Abandoned

all of my rules and shit just because i have anxieties. i know im just scared of losing him but this really isnt fair to him. i hate myself

maybe im scared to be with you because i dont want to ruin the last thing i have.
maybe i push you away because im scared of losing you.

im sorry im not good enough. you deserve so much better. someone that isnt me. someone that isnt drinking, smokin up and talking to other guys behind your back. you deserve someone that will make you happy. im sorry thats not me. all i do is disappoint you.

sometimes i wish disorders never existed and one could just live as themselves without thinking they are broken or different. i want to make new friends but because im different im scared to. what if i say the wrong thing?

“I can’t read this because it’s in french.”

“it says it’s for a small room” (we were looking at an AC unit) also I didn’t mention that it was in French and also one other language I didn’t look at close enough.

“no that’s not what it says”

That’s exactly what it says. And then you wonder why I want a divorce. Also all the experts said you’re wrong and I can use whatever the fuck I want. But nooooo I’m always fucking wrong even when I give you evidence. I shouldn’t have to prove I’m right like that over the stupidest of fucking things.

You’re just going to argue and make more empty promises as if having to find a new place with no money and a job with no high school diploma isn’t hard enough as it is.

Every time I look in one,
I see someone different.
Who am i?

is it really though?

My friend wants me to stop cutting and get rid of the scars. My friend wants me to stop drinking. My friend wants me to stop smokin up. My friend wants me to go back to therapy. My friend wants me to try medications again. My friend wants me to be ok.

But I just don’t want to. Typically there’s something inside me that says “I want to…” but I just have zero interest in getting better.

it would only be one message. whats the harm in a little conversation with an old “friend”. no one needs to know. besides i can always say bye whenever i want to…right?

my computer got a virus on it a while ago. i think it was him. i dont know who else it could have been. i know this because i got some weird messages and it caused a big to-do that i ended up straightening out. they were no reply. if it was him i often wish hed just message me so i could reply. that way i wouldnt have to. *scoff* after what this guy did i must be crazy…

my husband and i have problems. yeah its a normal relationship thing to have in a relationship but…..i always end up shrugging it off. but….i just dont know. this time its different. i want to give him another chance and i understand why it happened….but…i cant let it keep happening. at what point does it go from a reason to an excuse? i feel so sick and confused.

and he makes me externally happy. my dreams and my hobbies. just everything….but internally…..i just dont know anymore.

One of the things I hate the most is how hypocritical he can be. And one of those things that piss me off the most is how he always fucking says “everyone has mental problems” so I confronted him on it one day and he said “no I don’t have any problems” but it’s not just that he says it. It’s how he clearly shows signs that there is something wrong. Or how he says or does things without thinking ALL THE FUCKING TIME. like this one time he said that (in general) you’re weak if you can’t quit drinking and still have the occasional one. LIKE WTF DUDE!!!! I’M A DRINKER NICE TO KNOW YOU THINK I’M FUCKING WEAK. Or his negativity. I hate this and I’m gonna ***** about that. I swear that’s all he fucking knows how to do. Or the sexual jokes he makes to me. No. It’s not something small and funny like “lol that looks like a dick” it’s direct “jokes” about me. Like “my dIck would look nice shoved down your throat” AND HE FUCKING GOD DAMN WELL KNOWS I HAD PROBLEMS WITH GUYS AND THAT TYPE OF THING. I also hate how I’m always wrong even when theres clear proof. Like this one day we were up on this street and going into this subdivision and I said “there’s the house were going to” “no it’s not that’s another street” so I pull up Google maps on my phone YET STILL I’M FUCKING WRONG. Honestly I fucking hate talking to him. I feel like my opinions don’t matter. I feel like I have no freedom. I WANT OUT!!!! I hate how if there’s one small change he thinks it’s “weird”. Like holy fuck dude chill out people don’t order Amazon every day. The world isn’t out to fuck you over. Not only all of this but his dislike for therapists and shit FUCKING PUT ME HERE!!!! He didn’t want me going to see them. He didn’t want me “hopped up on drugs” well guess fucking what!!? Now I need them or else I’m probably going to kill someone or myself so thank you for not listening to me the multitude of fucking times I told you I was getting worse. Or like how he can’t pick up after himself. I made it very clear that I will be fine with the housework as long as you help me out a little. Like don’t walk around the floor with dirty shoes. Well instead of asking me or finding it himself he starts throwing garbage in a box in the fucking hall!!! And you know who’s gonna have to clean it? ME!!!!! Or like yesterday I handing him the toilet paper. You’d think he’d bring it down to the bathroom for me huh considering I was busy. NO!!! HE FUCKING LEAVES IT IN THE HALL WITH THE GARABAGE HE’S LEFT. I FUCKING HAD TO PUT IT AWAY.

I tried talking to him about it. I’ve tried talking to him about a lot of things and its always the same “I’ll change I’ll change. It takes time but I’ll change” WHEN!!!? WE’VE FUCKING BEEN TOGETHER FOR YEARS! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO CHANGE!!!?? He doesn’t talk to me. He isn’t honest with me. He doesn’t do the basic of things.

I keep telling myself. Just wait until you get him moved into the new place. Save up some money. Move out. Then get your own job. I’m sorry husband but no matter how much I love you I can’t be happy with you. You are the cause of my stress.

Which brings up another thing. When we first got together HE FUCKING PROMISED if he was a cause of my problems he’d leave me. Well I stated that he kept me from getting better and he causes me heaps of stress YET YOU’RE STILL FUCKING HERE. I should leave you just based on the fact that I clearly can’t trust you.

what does that mean? you have all these different personalities and……idk enough about the subject to even ask proper questions hang on lol.

yep still confused by it. im hoping someone can make it make sense. also apparently im INFJ-T according to https://www.16personalities.com/ which i find really cute because i have a personality disorder which makes me wonder how accurate it actual is. would that be like my prominent personality?

so theres 16 personalities and yet everyone is unique. no one is exactly the same. how can you clump billions of people into 16 groups when everyone is different. however i think im starting to understand how the letters work. but still really confused by the whole thing. i mean how would they handle someone that has a personality disorder like me?

thank you everyone for being supportive while my friend and i were going through this hard time the past few days. and thank you abnormal thoughts for being there to talk to me about it all.

i think the ones that were watching my posts the last few days might be interested to know that things are doing better. im still not happy about it but abnormal thoughts said “don’t hurt yourself more”. talking to him made me feel betrayed but not talking to him made my heart ache. and abnormal thoughts was right. it hurt a lot more. so i gave him another chance and we talked about it. i made it clear that i wasnt happy and my thoughts on the other person isnt changing but its nice inside talking to him again 🙂

What my husband doesn’t know…is that I did.

i use to trust him and before i would have told him….but not now. theres no one i can tell this too. i have to keep my dark side to myself. if people knew my thoughts at times….im sure they would see me in a different light, even though im not always that way. actually i rarely am and it only would effect those that hurt me. i have no quarrel with innocents.

even though it seems like a good idea if i could pull it off. then no one could steal my friend from me again. 🙁

i just want to trust you again. i want to go back to being able to pour my heart out and not worrying what youre going to think. but i just cant now….i tried to but i couldnt even start typing the words without everything hurting inside. why did you do this to me?

i spent my night at work thinking about it and…i dont feel any better. i cant believe he would do something like that to me. the worse part is he hates my other friends but at least they wouldnt pull a stunt like this and would stand behind me. i miss him and i want all of this to be ok but every time i go to his messages my chest hurts and i feel sick and betrayed.

i trusted him. he knew everything. i would spent nights crying and he would stay up and talk to me. this really fucking hurts and i want to cry until my heart melts and theres nothing left, leaving me numb.

im trying to talk to him but….idk i just cant.

update
and there comes the abandonment feeling. i talked to him. and just gave up. i didnt know what else to say and i just wasnt feeling better. fucking jackass. thats the second BFF he took. i guess there isnt a forever. beside this is probably better for him. maybe he can finally forget about me and stop worrying :'(

the last thing i said was “see ya” and he said “bye….” im sorry but it just hurts too much. please believe me when i say i miss you.

youre suppose to stand beside your friends. youre suppose to stick up for them when someone hurts them. i wouldnt befriend someone that hurt him. why did he do it to me? i feel like my heart has been ripped out.

you befriended my enemies! how could you do that to me. they helped everyone else with my downfall and you worked so hard to bring me back up just so you could fucking befriend them.

he broke my heart, shattered my trust and stabbed my back……im not sure i ever want to talk to him

I think I’m getting better. My dissociation isnt what it typically is today. Did I finally wake up… Better? As much as I hate to I’m going to have to keep this to myself for a bit. I don’t want to get everyone’s hopes up. But if I’m right and this only keeps improving I think I can finally heal. Not completely but enough to make life worth while. I’ll tell them when I’m sure it’s not just a fluke.

It’s so nice to be able to touch and interact with things again.

I can feel things and hear things and see. I don’t want to go to sleep tonight. I’m scared it’ll go back to the way it was. I don’t want that. It was scary and lonely.

Am I getting worse again? I thought it was finally over. I thought I hit a wall. Sleep was my escape. And even when I had a dream or nightmare it wasn’t the worse thing in the world. But last night…. It played on my worse fear.

A fear I have to keep to myself for the most part because I don’t want others to develop the same fear I have. It eats away at you all day. Making you feel sick and empty inside. Making everything pointless. I just want to wake up and be better 🙁