Be it naturally or not, I’d like to be listening to this song when I go. To go in peace sounds so much better than vain. Like that one last minute where I can finally be at peace.
Processing your request, Please wait....*ding dong*
I wonder who that could be. The thought wandering through my mind as I was not expecting guests. I left the kitchen where I was preparing my sandwich and answered the door. “Hello?” I say as the door swings open. My heart stops. The long black cloak and scythe unmistaken by anyone. Death was at my house. My hand goes to my chest as I fall to the floor. My breathing grows heavy as I back away. ” Why… Why are you here?” I barely manage to say as my heart tries to escape my chest. He says not a word as he makes his way to my kitchen. I scramble to get up off the floor and follow him. “Why are you in my house?” He looks at me with a look in his eye that says it’s not my turn to speak. He gestures for me to take a seat. Sitting down I watch as he sits across from me. Looking down at my sandwich he then pushes it towards me. I look at it questionable, refusing to take a bite. Unsure of what might have been done to it. “Why, my dear, do you refuse to eat? You did make this sandwich with that as the intent, did you not?” I look at the sandwich then back to him “excuse me when I say, but I do mean no offense, how do I know I won’t die if I eat It? You are death aren’t You? Or am I mistaken?” He scoffs as he answers my question with a question “Why would it matter? Do you not wish to die?” Everything inside me sinks. He’s right. I do wish to die. Why does it matter than? “While you ponder over the answer allow me to tell you. You do not wish to die. You just feel you ran out of options. Although you are still hopeful a new option will show itself between now and then. You would rather live happy than this pain you face daily however, you never see that as a possibility. But for as long you have that small spark of hope, I promise you won’t touch your lunch no matter how hungry you get.” Silently he gets up from his seat and walks back out the door closing it behind him. My eyes following him until I hear the click of the door and then they go back to looking at the sandwich. My stomach growls. Picking up the sandwich I throw it out, with the smallest spark of hope left. Smiling i think to myself, one day the spark will blaze again.
Processing your request, Please wait....i cant breath. im lost for words. i want to talk to my husband but i have nothing to say. i just want to cry. why cant i just go to sleep and not wake up.
Processing your request, Please wait....I want a smoke. I havent had one in years and ever since my husband quit the smell has revolted me. But every now and again……
Processing your request, Please wait....ok id like everyone to read this because you may not and you may be the only person that can relate. so ill cut straight to the point in case you dont want to read it. food. it all tastes bland too me. no amount of spices, flavouring, nothing can change it. it started 3-4 years ago. i had no interest in food. especially food i cooked. i just didnt want it. id make my husband a big plate of what could be summed up to an amateur gourmet meal then id make myself mr noodles. like wtf. who gives up a gourmet meal. the answer me. so we summed it up to after working so hard to cook it i just didnt want it. i mean makes sense. but now….right now im chewing on sour skittles. i taste that they are sour but thats it. i had mint ice cream the other day and i tasted the mint but meh. and to test it i had a hot dog and a burger….meh. now typically its a “ask the doctor” thing but i figured…maybe its my depression causing the problem. and if it is what better place to get the answer (not including the doctor he knows nothing about my depression or eating problems). a little insight/back story.
im not sure youd call it anorexic because im not….”skinny” back then (i was 14-15) if i sucked in my gut you could see my ribs. so skinny but not anorexic skinny. so that out of the way on to the story.
i use to refuse to eat. my depression would act up or id be pissed off and id have no interest in eating supper. i never ate lunch. not since i was 10. and it was nothing for me to skip breakfast before school. so the lunch thing went on for 10 years (i still dont eat lunch and im 20 now) and its still nothing for me to not eat breakfast. although sometimes i do pick up a small bag of chips. and now ill come home and eat a small supper. 1 hotdog (its summer so we bbq). a year ago id completely refuse meals. “im fat” “im ugly” “i dont deserve to eat” im sure you know it. to put it all basically its never been nothing for me to not eat. now food just dosent have much of a taste to me and i dont know why. im just completely uninterested in food. like if i never ate again i wouldnt care. oh and i forgot i attempted starvation too….but i kept getting hungry.
so if you know or relate or a doctor told you it would be cool if you could tell me why my food tastes bland.
Processing your request, Please wait....im better off alone. im better off dropping my friend and leaving my husband.
no. im not better off. they are. they just cant see it for some reason. if i cant make them leave i guess its up to me to walk away.
after we move. i cant leave him alone in the middle of this. i will wait until he gets settled first.
i hope you two understand that its for your own good. if/when i do leave…..
please dont come find me.
Processing your request, Please wait....They are getting worse. Before they were just little black dots running by. Easily passed off as nothing but now…i can’t do it anymore. They look like they are going to kill me. Slowly. Bloody. No mercy. They run after me. They get in my face. No matter how many times I say it’s not real they won’t go away. I refuse to be alone at night now. That’s when they bother me the most. I hate my job. Why do I have to work nights. They stare at me with this grin. This toothy “supper” looking grin. I hate them.
Processing your request, Please wait....I seem to always say the wrong thing. I never mean to. People must think im a horrible friend 🙁
Processing your request, Please wait....i think i dont want to live another year
Processing your request, Please wait....It seems like every move forward in life i make the farther down i fall. The more detached i become from reality. From myself. He might see hope. A place to actually start life. But i see a black void. I see things getting darker and worse. I dont see happiness. I wish i could. But instead i just see more stress. And the weed. The less said about it the better. It doesnt help at all. It just makes things worse. The thoughts dont stop. They just become easier to hide. People just THINK im ok. They just THINK its helping. With each passing second, that bridge down the road from me is looking more and more inviting.
Processing your request, Please wait....would people notice? would people care? if i had the option of closing my eyes and not waking up…..id lay down and close my eyes………..right now
Processing your request, Please wait....my brothers birthdays have past and tomorrow it is my turn. but…..i dont want it. its nothing but i reminder that i fucked up. i fucked up big time. most people would shrug their shoulders and say so but i have morals. and……but i thought…..thoughts are lies, wtf was i thinking. he treated me like shit. i dont know who i hate more. him or myself. i knew better. im so fucking stupid. i want to stand on the edge of a bridge and look down. i shouldnt have ever….. and now i get to celebrate one of the worse mistakes in my life, just fucking awesome.
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I hear them call my name. “Rose.” “Rose.” “Rose.” It doesn’t stop. They just keep calling and calling. I cover my ears but they just get louder and louder. The more I try to block them out the louder they get. They whisper little things in my ear. “They don’t love you.” “It’s all an act.” “They just feel sorry for you.” “AHHHHHHHH! NOOO! THATS NOT TRUE!” I try again to block them out again. “You know it’s true.” “You see the way they treat you,” and then the lights go out. Images start to fly by of my friends and family. All different moments I’ve spent with them. Heather cheering me up after I lost that soccer game. She looks so fake, I think to myself. My mom telling me the cake can be saved even though I knew it wasn’t possible. She lied to me? They all lied to me. No one really cares. No one. My eyes start to water, and my cheeks become damp. Covering my face, leaning against the wall, I let the gravity pull me down. I just sit there, crying. Thinking of all the moments I’ve been lied to by people I use to trust. “Shhh.” “It’s ok” “We’re here for you.” “We are true friends.” “That wont lie” I curl up tighter. Pulling my legs to my chest, and let the voices engulf me like a warm blanket. Keeping me safe from all the horrible people in the world. All the people out to hurt me. They are all I have now.
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(Photo taken by visual eyes. Story written by Hope Dream Love)
The green, luscious yard. The vibrant trees filled with yellows and oranges. Reds and browns. The concrete walkway with the occasional blade of grass in between the cracks. All topped off with the Mansion on Eerie Street. It’s attic window cracked. The masonite siding slowly stripping away from the house. Front door hanging off its hinges, just enough for you to see beyond the door to the stairs leading to the second floor where, it happened.
It was a stormy night in the midst of hurricane season. The worst storm in centuries. The wind and the hail beating and battering off houses and cars. Breaking windows and denting metal. Trees being ripped out of the ground by 100mph wind. The power didn’t stay on for very long. I assume a tree hit a power line. With the power off I didn’t have anything better to do so I lit a candle and relaxed on the couch, reading my favorite book.
I’m not to sure how long I was laying there but I must have fallen asleep at some point. I had awoken to my book on the floor and the candle out. Shaking the cobwebs from my head I looked around the house. Oh right. The powers out. I stumble out to the kitchen to get a drink. It was in this moment I heard it. The loudest wail imaginable.
I dropped everything and covered my ears as wail turned to a earsplitting screech. Within seconds there was a scream. I looked out the kitchen window, or what was left of it, to see my neighbors home destroyed. The wind had pushed a tree into her house, completely collapsing the roof in. I rushed over to see if she was ok.
“Mrs Harris?” I called. “Mrs Harris!” The screams i heard following my call were bloodcurdling. You could feel you’re veins run cold. I ran upstairs dodging tree branches and broken boards. Threw the master bedroom door open. Looking across the floor onto the bed I see her. Mrs Harris laying on the bed. Mangled by the tree that now impales her in multiple spots.
To see this poor elderly lady laying there. Drenched in her own blood. I knew I couldn’t leave her there. But there was nothing I could do. She was so entangled there was no use, and even if I could she would bleed to death faster. I ran down to the kitchen and started tearing drawers off their rollers. Finally I found what I needed.
Heading back upstairs I stopped just outside the door. Not quite ready. “Deep breaths. Deep breaths.” I repeat, trying to calm my nerves. I know this must be done. Taking one last breath I step into the room. This must be done.
I kneel down beside her. Gently caress my hand along her jawline. “shh shh shh. It will be ok. I promise. I will make the pain stop.” Standing up I take another breath. This must be done. Gripping the knife in both hands I raise it above my head. “This must be done.” I close my eyes and bring my hands down.
I remember that night crystal clear, like it was just last night, even though its been 29 years. I remember my ice cold skin burn under the heat of the fresh blood. The tears streaming down my face. I have a board over that window now. I refuse to look at it. Every time I do the face of Mrs Harris flashes before my eyes. The fear. But, it had to be done. And no one but me knows.
Processing your request, Please wait....im going to start with yes anyone can have depression but im going to be talking about the way people use the word “depression” and the things they complain about.
first the way they use it: “omg im sooooo depressed today” wrong. you are SAD. even better in most cases i find its not even sad its a tantrum because your mommy didnt get you that $2000 phone. if that is your biggest problem in life i dont want to hear it. im happy with a $20 phone that has so many cracks the screen is cutting your fingers (ok i broke the screen myself but i was happy with it. the phone itself still worked. thats good enough right?) By using the word in this sense it is taking away the meaning away from those who are actually depressed. (i guess that basically is both of the problems lol)
i know this person that is in college. and b****ing about it. i would love to go to college. i would love to learn more. it must be awesome to be able to afford that. so shut up and be grateful for once. or this other person that came to me saying she had to throw out a shirt because there was a small hole in it along the seam. instead of throwing out a perfectly good shirt take 2 seconds and fix it. there are people out there that cant go to college. that cant afford clothes let alone new ones. people this day in age only think about themselves. (no definitely not everyone) i find the more money you have the more you b****. what is with that? or am i alone? i know that if i had more money, enough that i could take care of myself with a bit left over, id help others out. it wouldnt be much but itd be something. id give someone without a home a sandwich. or maybe i have clothes that i dont want but are still good. why throw them out when someone else can use them? why are people wasting so much money on things they dont need or throwing stuff out thats still good?
i think i might have digressed lol. im really good at that some times. oops 😛 so where was i? right “fake depression”
i cant be the only depressed person out there that finds that annoying. and (ok a bit more touchy but ill try to explain it the best i can however if someone is offened id like to say ahead of time im sorry but i dont mean the way this is probably going to sound) this doesnt go under fake depression. it is stress. which i get and if someone is currently in this state and would like to explain it to me instead of just saying “thats mean” or im wrong” we can talk. but stress not depression. if you previously have depression then the stress starts to add up that makes sense. but im talking like everything is perfectly fine at first. and then you get laid off. fall behind on a bill. so on and so forth. why not make a list of priorities and start to fill in that hole instead of letting it just get bigger? the main reason im failing to understand it is…..lets start from the beginning. i got kicked out of my house. i got kicked out of school. my husband (friend at the time) almost went to jail. major debt. like he refused for years to even tell me the amount. my landlord picked the worse roofing company in town so you can guess how thats working out. the cats and dog going behind me and destroying everything after i work my ass off to clean it, EVERY TIME. maybe i just sometimes have a functioning depression or i just refuse to lose hope. i have no idea. but i have one problem after another andi just keep saying “its ok we’ll figure it out” and ive previously had depression before i even got kicked out of the house (btw i got kicked out for being an adult which im finding confusing). am i missing something? if i am please tell me. basically my point is yes things happen but instead of looking at it like “oh fuck i lost my job” why not find another job? literally every place in town here is looking to hire ANYONE but everyones complaining there is no work. thats awful you have to be a cashier instead of having your dream job. but when your down on money and falling behind on bills should that really matter.
again if that sounded b****y im sorry im just trying to understand things and im hopeful someone can explain. btw if you try to explain it will probably be met with a bunch of “but why” questions because when i want to know something i like to completely understand it instead of just agreeing and saying ok to something i still dont understand.
i think i digressed again but that first part explained it enough i feel.
Processing your request, Please wait....if you find something from your past avoid it like the plague. i didnt and now i feel like shit.
Processing your request, Please wait....if youre unsure of something should you do it? i know the typical answer is no but in a case like this im unsure. let me explain a bit. im thinking about getting a tattoo. now in a case like this if one is unsure the answer is again no. this is a permanent life choice dont do it if you arent sure duh. but again this isnt your typical case. i want a tattoo for my depression. its going to go on my left wrist just above my cuts and its going to read “remember that i love you” as a reminder to those i love and those that care about me. and its not that i dont want it i do. id love to have it and id think it would do me wonders to have that reminder there. but it is permanent. although i believe it will always have meaning i still fear that maybe one day ill regret it. any thoughts?
Processing your request, Please wait....(Just venting this is really pissing me off)
At this fucking rate the only place ill be moving is into my own place. Or back to my home province. Im getting fucking sick and tired of his “friends” deciding things for us. Where we are going to things and what not. You havent even seen the fucking place and ITS NOT YOURS. You say congrats and go about your day but oh no not these people. Put the freezer in the laundry room. THATS MY ROOM! THATS WHERE MY ART CENTER IS GOING TO BE! and he just agrees with them. Its pissing me off and they are so fucking clingy. Oh were gonna move in beside you. And i dont even want to. My stepfathers mother lives there. Another clingy person we use to work with is across the street. And he just hands over the money. Thanks for thinking of me. He left the painting up to me but i dont even want to be a part of it anymore. Not until people stop giving their 2sense at least.
Processing your request, Please wait....Maybe life would be better if i just gave in. if i stopped fighting my depression maybe i can be at peace. its like when you get stranded at sea. you dont swim against the waves. you wont get anywhere and eventually drown. maybe if i swim with the waves of depression i can keep my head above water.
Processing your request, Please wait....its all moving to fast. i feel at a loss. my life seems years ahead while im a few back. basically raised a kid that wasnt mine at 13. moved out at 16. married at 19. now basically 20 and we just bought a home. hes talking about land and all this other stuff and im still back at the wedding 6 months ago. where did my life go? i feel like i missed out on everything. i got kicked out of school at 16 because of my depression. i missed out on graduation and prom. i was looking forward to those. especially graduation. walking across the stage. receiving my certificate. hanging it on the wall and feeling accomplished. its all gone. never coming back. its like my whole life was taken from me. now what? i know this move is for the best but….if i could just go back a few years.
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