I was curious. Real curious. That extremely brief window when everyone was out of the house, I tried to open it. I tried the usual password, my birthday, and my brother’s birthday. He had foresight. My parents have known I was suicidal since Highschool. Of course he’s going to have a passcode I don’t know. I wasn’t going to do the deed. I was just curious. Wanted to feel the weight of it in my hand. I thought about trying some more, but I’m afraid it will permanently lock and alert him someone tried to […]
Worst Hell Week hands down. Absolute worst. One project went fine. The other was a disaster. Couldm’t get the code finished no matter how hard I tried. My CS minor is completely worthless. Can’t code for shit. Any half competent programmer could knock out what I was trying to do in an afternoon. My dumbasss pulled 2 allnighters trying to get it to work. So we submitted a half baked program, report, and presentation. I got a 75 on the midterm so it will be an absolute miracle if I get a C and […]
Drank a 6 pack in a matter of hours. 12 oz 9.5 ABV. I threw up. Didn’t know when to stop. Just kept going and going. God’s a cocksucker. He puts us on this earth to fuck with us. Only damn reason. Can’t take a shower. Too cold. Another reason why he’s a cocksucker. Sobbering up a bit. Just a bit. The acid in my nose hurts. Gargled mouth wash to soothe my throat. still hurts. Just want to take a damn shower. Can’t even allow me that. What a […]
Today was really the big day. Two presentations. Not a lot in the grand scheme of things. But still. First one went bad. Like pretty bad. We didn’t really have anything to show. Our code wouldn’t work. Of coarse it won’t if you just started programming last Wednesday. You could tell the prof wasn’t happy. He did cut us some slack,said that things like this can be hard, but there’s no way we are getting anything higher than a C. That’s for the presentation though. The paper is separate and due Thursday. […]
It is upon me. Like I’ve mentioned before, there’s alsways that one week of the semester that really screws me. Everything is due and I scramble. Now it’s here. TBH I felt worse about it this morning, but I think I might actually make it. Maybe. Hard to say.
I flipped a stupid coin to see whether or not I’d google her or not. Just to try and see her face. She doesn’t have any pics online from what I can tell. A facebook and linkedin that I can’t access due to now wanting to create/log in to […]
Next week everything is due. I’m beyond fucked. Both projects are absolutly no where near finished. For the first project I really screwed up. I basically sandbagged my partner several times that kept the project from going. He would probably have gotten more done if I didn’t insist that I could get it done. He also has two other projects to work on.
For the second project, I rolled the worst dice imaginable with my partners. One of them is an “influencer” getting paid to make “content” so he can’t do fuck all. The other just […]
It’s the first. I’ve said it before, but winter time has that odd feeling about it. The feeling that everything around you is dying and decaying. Just the air feels different. It get dark around 4:30 where I’m at. So everytime I walk home, it’s dark, cold, and decaying. If there was ever a time I would choose to end my life, it would be in the winter.
I’ve got 2 weeks left. Behind on damn near everything. Don’t know if I’ll make it. I got all As last semester, but failing one course is all it […]
It’s Thanksgiving today. My folks and brother came up to see me. Got here on Monday. I’m happy to see them, but I kind of forgot what it was like to be around people. Especially since I have a set routine and way of doing things here. It also doesn’t help that they are practically geriatric. Getting anywhere or telling them something requires a lot of patience which I’ve never really had. I know I should, but I don’t. It gets to a point where I get annoyed trying to get lunch. I don’t want to be […]
Drunk again. Kinda need to be in order to really have a stream of conscious post. There’s a lot on my mind. None of it I think I can or want to articulate. While drinking, I had the realiziation that I really need to kill myself. Like really need to. I’m not cut out for this. The whole living thing. Making relationships, having a career, being happy. It’s just not in the cards for me. A bullet to the brain whould fix all my problems. Emphasis on the my. I get that it […]
Just needed to empy my head a small bit. Been meaning to for a little while, but I kept putting it off.
Today was rough. Probably the main reason why I’m posting today. It was the weekly meeting for the team and I looked like a complete dumbass. The stuff I had been working on came off as irrelevent. I didn’t have any good justification for my designs or where I was taking them. I just made sad sheepish excuses that anyone with half a brain could see through. You could tell in my voice and in my manerisms […]
Finally. I did it. I finally did it. I finally ripped the band-aid off. I deleted her contact info and threw away that stupid stuffed bear. It took me being very drunk and a coin flip to do it, but I finally did it. I called her earlier. Straight to voice mail. She blocked me of course. But now I can finally move on. It hurt. It really did. Bitter sweet as hell, but I did it. When I sober up there’s nothing I can do about it. I memorized her […]
Lately I’ve been playing a dangerous game with my sleep. I pull late nighters to do stuff for the lab or cram for an exam. The thing is, I can’t do that anymore. Lack of sleep is one of the major triggers for a manic episode. Even on medication, I could still be susceptible to a hypomanic episode. So then I start checking certain things about myself whenver I do late nighters. Do I feel tired, how is my mood, are my thoughts skewing towards delusions. When I feel extremely tired and have the same low self-esteem and […]
Been putting off posting again. I do that a lot. I have a lot on my mind, but just never find the time to put write them down. Quit my deli job. Hated that fucking job. So god damn much. I was falling behind on school and so I put in my one week notice on Tuesday. My last day was slow. Practically dead. I think I used the slicer less than 5 times. The only thing was I had to train a new guy on how to close plus pick up the slack for […]
I’ve been putting this off. Like usual. I’ve been putting a lot off. School and lab assignments. Helping with that computer thing for my brother. I don’t know. I just don’t feel like doing anything. What to talk about. There really isn’t much. I’m just trying to take it day by day. Last Thursday I got absolutely shit faced. I avoided drinking for about three weeks. I had been drinking quite a bit and getting drunk was starting to get harder. I heard that if you take a break and come back, the […]
Well, the deed is done. My grandfather is “buried”. Not really buried actually. Apparently its a thing where a large marbel slab houses a bunch of caskets. Part of the slab is opened up and the coffin just slides right in. So theres this big strucutre that holds a bunch of dead bodies stacked on top of each other in like rows and columns. Very odd. He was put up on the highest row. They needed to have a little pneumatic lift raise the casket up and some dudes had to push him into the slot using […]
My Grandfather passed away yesterday. He was 87. That’s a pretty long life. I’m only 24. A little over a third of that. My dad told me yesterday. They were in the process of moving his body to the funeral home. Everyone was there for my Grandmother. I got a call from her. She didn’t seem too upset, but there was a little sadness in her voice. For some reason she was more concerned with how I was. Overall, I think I’m ok. Nobody was really suprised or overwealmingly distraught. His health […]
I am drunk. Again. I think from now on I will post while drunk. It’s the best way to empty out my head. I guess. What to talk about. I’m thinking what to write down now. Of course I’m thinking about her. I always think about her. I wish I didn’t. She’s gone. Why bother thinking about her. Yet I still do. Drunk or not. I’m tired thinking about her. When will I get over this? You know who I really want to think about? Mark. He deserves to […]
To preface, I am very drunk. Like really drunk. i wanted to be drunk when I posted again. I’ve been putting this off for more than a month. My head’s been leaking, but I kept putting it off. This summer has been ok. Nothing major happened. Just working at a grocery store. Nothing much else. But school is slowly coming. I don’t really think it has sunk in. Once it does, I’m pretty sure I’ll be a nervous wreck. But until then, I’ll keep on keeping on. My mother’s birthday was the 28th […]
The last couple of days have really not been the best. To start I haven’t been able to contribute properly to the lab project. Every single thing is screaming at me that I don’t belong there. That I don’t belong at that school. That I don’t belong at that lab. That I don’t belong at that team. I’m not an engineer. I have a degree for one, but I’m not an engineer. I don’t know what I’m doing, Every concept is so beyond me. I’ll never be smart enough or good enough to be a proper […]
So a couple of updates. My last couple of posts from about a month ago was me stressing over potentially failing out of grad school. So I finally get my grades and I was wrong. I passed. I have absolutely no idea why and it makes me a little scared to talk to the professor. I guess that will be a problem for another time. So now that I have decided to stay. I’m in Worcester for the summer now. I got a job at a grocery store for the deli section. I’m not very good […]