Got a couple more interviews this week and next. I feel like nothing comes from them though. I bumble my way through questions I don’t understand, they say I did good and end the meeting, then they either ghost me or tell me no (which ghosting does too, but less direct.). I needed to email a follow up to two interviews from two weeks ago. One just finished doing all their interviews and needs to make a decision and the other said they weren’t interested. Would they have told me if I didn’t follow up with them? Probably not. […]
Still living with my parents. Still don’t have a job yet. Had 5 interviews in the past two weeks. I already told the technician job no. Just got a bad vibe from it. Seemed like a dead end job I’d be stuck at for years. Didn’t go to my interview for McDonald’s. Parents told me not too. Apparently I’m too good for McDonald’s? But not for Costco. I have no idea what they want and honestly I don’t care. I just really didn’t want to be a cashier again. Right now best […]
So yesterday I was complaining about how I just wanted something to happen already. Well something did. They’re offering me that crappy technician job in Austin that I didn’t want to interview for. The one with stripping cars all day long. The finger on the monkey paw curled. I’m trying to figure out which is worse. McDonald’s or technician job. I know I don’t want to do either. Technician job pays more (by like a handful of dollars an hour) and gets me away from my family. I don’t want to do either. But technician […]
I have an interview for McDonalds tomorrow. If they don’t take me that’d be pretty hilarious and sad. I really don’t want to work at fucking McDonald’s, but I need money and more importantly something to fucking do. It’s not like I spend all day looking for engineering jobs. I maybe spend like an hour a day on indeed and linkedin. The rest of the day I don’t do shit. Just rot in my room. I sure as shit don’t work on my fellowship applications. Man I really don’t fucking want to be a cashier again. […]
So I read the feedback. Or at least the big summary that one of them gave me. Made me realize I have to rewrite most of it. But I’ve been stuck on it. The main criticism was that I was basically proposing to small a thing. Something not worth considering PhD research. Which was true. All I really proposed were minor changes that could maybe fix the thing. Because that’s all I could think of. It needs to be this big novel change I’m proposing. But I can’t figure out anything. Best I could […]
I finally got feedback from my old labmates. After two weeks. They are busy people. Haven’t read it though. 26 and I still can’t take criticism. That’s pretty sad. I guess it also has to do with the fact that I’m just not feeling it. I don’t belong back there. I shouldn’t have made it as far as I did in the first place. I’ve repeated this so many times. There’s no point in me trying for fellowships when I think about it. But then I give my friend such a hard time about how […]
I haven’t been leaving my room these past few days. I still go out to eat and bath and stuff, but mostly I’ve just holded myself up in this room. Feels like the world outside it is dead. And that the only thing there is is in this room. Barely done anything this week. Maybe turned in a handful of applications. Started applying for part time jobs locally cause that’s what my mom wants. For some reason I find this insulting. I’d like to tell myself that I’m not above doing a job at Walmart, but maybe […]
I’m at that point where I can’t stand to be around my family. I knew I had a time limit before both my family and I would get like this. I was hoping to be out of here by now. I need solitude. I don’t function with other people. I never have. When I’m depressed alone, I can be alone. When I’m angry alone, I can crash out however I like. When I’m happy alone, I can do whatever I want. If for whatever reason I need people (unlikely), I’ll go look for them. I […]
Losing out on that job did more to me than I’d like to admit. I think I was genuinely excited to be going back and living in Boston. Coupled with more disappointment on the PhD front, this week has felt like a thousand years. At least I’ve been getting good sleep. But that’s only because my body really doesn’t want to get up. 8+ hours to feel dead. I think that’s why us depressed people love sleeping. We don’t have to be ourselves for that time. I always say this, but you never remember the exact feeling […]
Things keep looking bleaker and bleaker. I didn’t get this job I was real excited for. Lab technician up in Boston. Wanted to work in a lab again. Apparently I was in the top 3. I was also overqualified. Probably what did me in. Might be arrogant to say that. Was pretty bummed. Now I have to dive back into the hellscape of looking for a job. Got like 3 calls today at least for an interview for technician roles and automation engineer. Overqualified again for that technician job. Failed the automation engineer […]
All these plans and I probably don’t have what it takes to see even half of them come true. Had a job interview today. Was about an hour and half. Went ok until it didn’t. Pretty bad at answering engineering questions. The stuff I would be doing. You could tell they weren’t exactly impressed. No big deal. Not really that interested in the job anyways. I was a lot less interested before the interview because I didn’t understand somethings, but still not something I’m super excited to be working on. Doubt I’ll get a call […]
Well I finally got my answer. I got accepted. Without funding. Meaning no go. I’m just happy to have an answer after all this time. Not the answer I wanted, but an answer. Now I got to find a job. For the next year anyway. I plan to apply to more PhD programs. I know I’m not qualified. For work or academics. I’m completely out of my depth. But I got to make it work. Because it’s what I want. Even though I know for a fact I’m not good enough. […]
Everyday feels so long. Never feel like getting up in the morning. Bored but don’t have any motivation. I don’t know. My head isn’t good when I’m stressed out and working and it isn’t good when I’m stagnate and numb. Can’t seem to win either way. I came into this summer worried that it’d be my last relaxing one. Now I don’t think I ever want a summer like this.
So I still haven’t gotten an answer on my application. But I finally got in contact with people. Waiting on a reply. Don’t feel that bad, but still not doing amazing. I was just happy to finally get in contact with someone. I think I need to get an answer by at least next week. I doubt I’ll be able to attend otherwise.
People are problems for me. I don’t understand. It feels like all my issues stem from them and being self aware. Being perceived. I told myself where ever I end […]
There are things I like to refer to as car engine light problems. If you ignore it and keep driving, more than likely you’ll be OK. It’s when you try to find what the problem is is when things get bad.
Lately my dumbass has been messing around on those websites where you pay girls to give you attention. Use your imagination for what type of websites those are. Made me realize how lonely I was for a relationship like that. Talking to a person about your problems. Feeling close to them in that way. Having someone […]
I think I’m sensitive to time. It bothers me when I’m told something will happen within a set time and it doesn’t. It annoys me when people are late to things. Especially when something this important is hanging over my head. Another autistic trait? Or maybe just plain neurosis. I don’t know. Every single day feels like a thousand years. Nights are probably the worst. Nothing on Youtube. No tv shows I want to watch. Games are boring me. Started sending out applications. Can’t find the motivation to fill out simple forms. […]
It’s starting to get to me. I’ve emailed 3 times and nobody is willing to do anything or answer. I fucked myself by submitting at the beginning of summer. I’ve been forgotten. Plain and simple.
Apparently a characteristic of Autism is that a person has trouble regulating their emotions and can feel them intensely. I still have doubts about of psychiatrist’s diagnosis, but it makes me think of those high stress moments I’ve had in my life. I am honestly ashamed of how I reacted to a lot of them. Those moments of frustration I had in the lab. I think I’d die if anyone caught me acting the way I did. Like a child’s tantrum. That time I got rejected in high school after confessing to a girl. I had to go […]
Sent an email today since it was the 10 week mark. They passed it over to the assistant head (?) of the department. Hopefully he checks his emails regularly. A part of me is hoping I get rejected. The thought of having to be around those people again. It’s unpleasant to think about. Getting a job means a new slate. But it’s not what I want to do. I think. Being this stagnant for this long has started to weigh on me. I could’ve been productive, but I haven’t. July has only begun, but […]
Next Tuesday is the tenth and final week. I should’ve gotten an answer by now. It’s not coming tomorrow. 4th of July. Everyone is off. Doubt it’s going to show up Monday or Tuesday. If it’s a no, I wish they would’ve just given it to me already. Want to move on with my life. Probably should’ve been looking for either a job or an apartment this whole time. Instead I’ve been sitting on my ass waiting for a response from people who probably don’t even want me in the first place.
Every time I […]