I have done it again. I couldn’t control it. I just wanted to hug him. My eyes were following everything he did. i wished everything was different. i want cut myself badly. and i am drowning in a really bad wine. I just wish i haven’t seen him coz i might drown. this is far from love, obsession maybe. i feel like i am losing it. he doesn’t care.
Breakdown. Well not yet. Nothing is well. I am really close to the edge. Certainly there is no one i can admit this to. I want to cry myself out at this very moment because so much has piled up and i put  everything in my little drawer and now everything has fallen out and what a mess. Look at me, i am just sitting in the middle of everything so mad and frustrated,embittered so that is probably why i can’ t cry.  I get up every morning and i am going to get up tomorrow too, well maybe around noon since it is  late […]
I am definitely in a bad place right now. I started cutting again and i am desperate for someone to talk to openly, admitting i have a problem.
There is one person who knows this and ignores it by saying i should know better, and it makes sense. But it is not easy to stop just like that, i have some good periods and than it gets worse. I cut so badly, i cut all the way through the flesh, and it disgusts me the other day. People are already noticing i have to many scars, i keep lying but i don’t know what to say […]
Here we go again. I am in a deep mess of emotions right now, it is hard to describe it but being mad is alright for today. Just for today. I have been happy for a couple of weeks, really happy. It was unbelievable.
We got drunk yesterday again, i feel lame because of it. I just remembered the scene of me crying in front of the screen watching sth on youtube, it was just a disguise for the reasons that really drove me to tears. Anyway this person i like, my best friend saw me and tapped me on my shoulder and left. I could […]
Bad things happen. I am aware of that, for some of them i was responsible,some had to happen sooner or later ( I guess because we had to learn a lesson), and some are just tragic consequences of reality which is a cover for “caused by other people”.
I don’t feel suicidal i am not even mad, the emotions are exchanging quickly one  replacing the other. These last few hours i am acting like i am already dead,not paying any attention to the world around me.
What happened was not my fault,it can’t be. But i can say one thing, this experience taught me a great […]
How to start,while my hands are shaking and i finally made myself cry after a long time of trying to be strong and keep it all inside me. It sounds like another lame and pathetic story about how misunderstood someone can be. Honestly i had my moments of searching for attention but this time i just want revenge. I promise this will be my last selfish act towards everyone i know. I really wanted to make everything right again but when my own mother says that i am naive and stupid how am i supposed to feel about myself, how i am i supposed to […]
I almost cracked in front of my entire family. Or i did crack, partially?! I don’t know.
i started rambling about not having a desire to live, honestly i just said that to shut them up because they were talking about responsibilities of today’s youth and how it was different and much harder when they were young. Fine it was, let them have their past but keep it for yourself because i am not feeble- minded.
I thought i won’t be coming here anymore, but i guess i still have the need. since i can’t talk to anyone, i mean i can’t talk how depressed i […]
I don t feel like talking with anybody but yet i came here. Nothing bad recently happened i just don t feel the same. Everything is just so ordinary and unimportant and i can t find anything that satisfies me. I clearly got off the tight track again. without no particular reason. I was out yesterday and i got drunk, pretty pathetic but i do it every now and then to feel better or to forget things but i guess it has the opposite effect now. Anyway i was annoyed with something small which i don t even remember now. i took my things and […]
I hate this. I am on the edge again and the pain is unbearable. I really need an effective method to end this. I am sure now and won’t give up of this decision. Maybe i was seeking for attention but now i when i am not receiving it i am sure i can go in peace. since no one will be hurt. and they say that people move on anyway and the world keeps turning around. Sure i am weak and yes i am giving up but at lest i finally know what i want.
if it mend to be different it could  be. […]
Have i reached the point when i stop caring, when the numbness finally wraps me coldly…or am i just crazy
I don t know but it feels great. I can’t eat which is awesome and i hope it will last because i wanted too lose weight anywayz. I can’t sleep either which concerned me since i could sleep like always at every time of  the day and sometimes i overslept the entire day. I am failing exams and not studying but i don t feel guilty. I am not happy nor sad or angry i am just here, existing and it s fine. i wanted this […]
I can’t stop thinking about him. I really can’t control it anymore. To be in love with a person who is partly responsible for the biggest and ugliest scar on my hand, the other part is me. I know the world is laughing at me along with him but i can’t stop.
I tried to hate him instead but after couple of days he would do something nice, just a small gesture and i would forgive him and pretend we are starting all over again as friends. I am aware of all the lies, his twisted personality, and self-destruction. I also know he doesn’t give a […]
I am fucked. It s not that I realized that just now but maybe at this moment i am completely aware of my state. i am partly proud because i am not trying to kill myself at least not today. it kind of hurts when you can’t change the fact that you don’t have anyone around you except your parents which are currently not here. i know this sounds pathetic but i really wish i have somebody who loves me for me, somebody who would hug me without me asking for it. i am at a really bad state now and i would like to […]
Here we are again back on the bad track of life. I keep telling myself i just a need a second chance, a new start but i don t think it would change anything. The only thing i need to change is me. I am going to stop feeling, stop caring. If you could see me now, whispering those uncertain words and smiling because i don t think i ‘ ll ever be able to shout down my emotions. one of my greatest weakness that is destroying me and watching my mind decaying part by part.
I tried to put myself to sleep again. Forever… I […]
I am a little bit ashamed i am here now. I am not thinking about suicide again, at least not so often. I just have this constant feeling of being down.
I am sometimes thinking i am not capable of feeling good or enjoying life. I have those episodes of euphoria when something incredible happens and when life surprises me spontaneously. But i feel they are terribly rare. I know i have no reason to be unhappy because i have so many things and new people around me and i even learned to be happy because of others. I also tried to talk about my problems […]
I keep dreaming about blood. It could have been a bigger cut, than i would have died much faster.
How ironical i am not even lucky enough to die.
Until today i thought  i finally met someone like me. Someone who drinks too much and falls back in the corners when he feels lost among all those people in the room.
I also thought i finally got used to be disappointed.
I can t believe i felt like the happiest person in the morning and now i am completely torn apart.
How easily people get fooled and i told myself a dozen times that i won t trust […]
Here we go again.
I was walking home with dark thoughts, thoughts of death. Which is nothing new after all. I wanted to talk to someone so i came here, because i need some support and advice. I had this small fight with two of my friends. And i was so cold and rude to them. I could see my selfish reflect in their disappointed eyes. On the way home i asked my self what kind of person I am. Recently i did some research about bipolar people and their symptoms. Tonight i felt this cold breeze, on half way to my home , Â and realized […]
My palms sweat while I stare at my wounds. I kind of hope that i won t be marked with a scar. But somehow I am marked inside, right?
It can t be changed. I guess this summer was full of regrets.
I cant stop thinking about those moments, those important moments when things could go on a different way. There isn t a night when i didn t think of them. Sometimes i just go through our old pictures, and I cant cry…I just feel a cold breeze somewhere inside me, a black hole that is spreading around. It chokes me day by day.
I use […]
It s a very beautiful day. It s neither too hot nor cold. The summer is ending.
It could have been a very sad day though. But i promised, actually i gave a lot of promises since Sunday. and I am very bad at keeping them. This time I am going to try really hard.
I was so close. Even though i don t remember most of the things that happened that night. I remember it should have been an incredible evening. Before i went out i saw a picture of my (now ex best friends) having fun on the seaside. They post it on the Internet. I […]
I am not really sure what to say, but I guess i am here to tell my story.
Obviously i was born in the wrong time and on the wrong place.
I wouldn t be here if i was happy.
Actually I had an amazing life, and i wasn t bothered so much with the fact that i live in a small town and in a small country.
It s so incredible how in one moment u can have everything and in the other u can have nothing. I lost a lot of things in these past months.
I would really like to put all […]