miszion

I haven’t logged onto here in so long.

today my relationship ended after 2.5 years. I can’t stop crying and I feel so empty. He helped me start therapy and work on myself, but he wouldn’t work on himself at all. My heart is so broken right now and I don’t know where to turn. I have this thing nagging at me telling me that all of the effort I’ve put in was for nothing, and yet I feel so alone knowing I can’t call him up anymore. Some of the things said during the break up feel like they’re echoing in my head. I can’t […]

I login again to this website, after depression and suicidal thoughts begin to creep back into my head after almost a week of feeling fine. I haven’t been here in quite some time.

My drinking habit has not lessened, in fact I’ve drank more these last two weeks than I had all year yet. My behavior has gotten stranger and stranger once drunk. My boyfriend picked me up from the bar and my anxiety and insecurities clicked on so savagely once I realized what a fool I had made of myself, that I proceeded to jump out of a vehicle moving at least 20 mph. He […]

today I feel the lowest I have in a while. today self injury crossed my mind for the first time in over a year. I craved the feeling of the razor on my skin and the blood dripping down my legs. instead, I left work early and treated myself. now I’m sitting in my bed, half stoned, having buyers remorse and feeling incredibly apathetic. I don’t really care about anything, I don’t care if anyone cares about me, and I wouldn’t care if I just sat here staring at the wall all night. all I truly want to do is sleep, but I’ve barely been […]

wandering, she slowly becomes more numb
twenty five years eating away at her heels
she should go so much further,
but she lands herself stuck in the mud somewhere
time frozen all around her, it seems
the world is still turning
only
without her

things are calm here.

small, warm waves ebb their way onto shore. the sun isn’t quite all the way up yet, the shadows in the trees aren’t intimidating, and you’re next to me. a slight breeze slivers across the beach. you take me into your arms and kiss my neck and ear. I fall perfectly into your chest.

instead, I wake up alone. cold, unmotivated, and staring at my blank ceiling. it’s been three years since you fell into a sleep you would never fully awake from. I wish I hadn’t woken up today, either.

I applied for my firearms license today.

I’ve now cried three times over my own ugliness today.

It’s going on 4 PM and I haven’t eaten yet today.

I don’t plan on eating today.

I researched suicide methods for the first time in a long time today.

Today is a bad day.

I’m really not quite sure how much longer I can hold on. The angry and suicidal thoughts have completely taken over these last few months. This morning was the worst it’s been. I cried for thirty minutes about how ugly I am, trashing my room by throwing clothes everywhere because I feel disgusting in everything I own. I wanted to take my mirror and smash it until the entire thing was just sharp, shiny dust covering the floor, my bed, and myself. Even now, several hours later at work, I’m avoiding every mirror (which is hard to do, since I’m a tailor and there’s more […]

It’s been a while.

I typed out a long update, and deleted it. Then I did it a second time. And now I’m writing this, as my leg bounces up and down beneath my work station, still completely unsure of what I want to say.

I finally started dating again. I’ll be visiting Denver for the first time next week, a lengthy and much needed vacation with my closest friend. I’ve been reading an incredible amount. My new job and school has been going very well. I began exercising more and have stuck with it. Yet I still feel unfulfilled. Most nights I sit at work after having […]

I wonder what it would be like to have a normal, happy life. I wonder what it would’ve been like, as child and teenager, to wake up in a clean home with amenities and loving parents. I wonder what finishing high school would’ve been like, and starting college that same year like so many people normally do. I wonder what it would be like to see the word “Mom” on my phone screen, maybe with a heart emoji next to it, calling me just to ask how I’m doing.

I often think about what my life would be like if he never died. Just typing that […]

today I woke up on the last day of a very stressful week. I’ve been working 7 days a week for a month and yesterday was my last day at one of the two jobs. I’m also diving back into school head first after a much too long and lazy break from it. I got a call from my oldest brother who is visiting my estranged and abusive mother in another state who went missing for two days and came back drunk and was threatening to kill them and then proceeded to kick them out on the street. They were stranded with no car, not […]

I don’t remember the last time I posted, or left a comment, on here, but here I am. I hope to scroll through the recent posts after I submit this and see some familiar names and to hear you’re all doing well.

Nothing has really changed much for me. I started a new job, but am still doing part time at my “old” job for a couple more weeks. My new job makes me feel really good. I look forward to going into work, the customer base is really friendly, and one of my good friends that I worked with before is my direct superior. He […]

today, it’s officially been two years since you fell into that coma that would take your life five months later. my heart is no more less broken then it was the day I got the news that you weren’t waking up, I am no less shocked when I think of you laying in that hospital bed, and no less ravaged by this sadness then I ever have been since this day, two years ago. when does the pain begin to fade, and I begin to move on? it’s been two years, two fucking years, and I still expect to see your name pop up on […]

all of your posts are gone, I hope you’re okay….take your time but please comment when you’re ready to talk, I’m worried about you! sending you my love <3

without any warning, I just came across an archive of your old videos.

I sat here in shock for several minutes. I am afraid to click play. I am afraid to hear your voice again and watch you laugh again for the first time in almost two years. These are videos I have seen before but had since forgotten about them. I was having a relatively good day before the thumbnails of you babysitting your niece, you playing video games, and you with your friends at work appeared on my computer screen. I was doing a reading for school and you crossed my mind, as you […]

hey y’all. I haven’t been posting, but lurking nonetheless.

ive been trying really hard to focus on work, school, and my loved ones. As I write this I’m visiting my grandparents, who I love with my entire heart, and my bratty cousins, who I love just as much.

i fell asleep crying on their couch last night because I felt so guilty about my secret, the fact that I can barely handle getting up everyday anymore. they all know I have a past with self injury and my grandma is constantly thinking my really deep scars on my legs are new cuts almost every time she sees […]

TW TW TW:

it finally happened

i relapsed.

after almost a year of not laying a razor to my skin, like clockwork, tonight I did.

i knew i wanted to, so after work, I went to the bar instead of going home right away. I thought that maybe I would be deterred from these urges.

i was not.

instead I drank three whiskeys and then, instead of calling a cab or hopping on the subway, I started walking. mind you it’s a two hour walk home, with two inches of snow already on the ground, and more plummeting from the sky.

my phone died 10 minutes into my venture home. luckily i […]

my roommates are gone

Sam the cat is purring on the foot of my bed. purring so loud in his own cute, goofy way.

maybe I’m not completely alone, but I am….alone, nonetheless.

maybe somewhere in my room, he is there, watching over me. maybe when I get undressed he covers his eyes because we are still that naive, even when we are alone, I see us that way…

Young. Naive. Nervous.

we weren’t alone when we were together. I felt a world of courage just under our fingertips. just your name popping up on my phone screen, Little Reminders of You, were entire landscapes of love. I was never […]

is anyone online right now with the spare time to chat a little?

I’m at work with nothing but some inventory to do, and I’m feeling quite lonely and unmotivated. I downloaded KIK for easier messaging if anyone else has it? if not I have access to this site at work as well.

looking to chat about anything really.

I just want it to stop.

I don’t know what else to do or say. I just want this pain to stop so I can start living my life without feeling like, every day, that I should kill myself. I work so hard at my job and my mind still tells me I’m not good enough. I try my very best in school and my mind still tells me that I should just give up. I’m outgoing, I have friends, I know that my family loves me, but my mind still tells me that I’m completely alone and nobody cares.

I just want this to end, to […]