Author

system

a public journal, of sorts. day by day, maybe i'll feel a little less alone. | they/them

“I will xoxo. I hope someday you’ll truly realize how much I love you, how much I care for you & how I’ll never do anything to bring you harm ever again. your body is just so perfect to me, I adore your personality & the way you feel for me & love me makes me wanna break down. please don’t confuse me wanting your body, as the only reason I talk to you.”

oh, trust me, I fucking know that’s not the only reason you talked to me. you spoke to me because you wanted to keep me wrapped around your finger. you spoke to […]

3/3/2021 2 comments

why do i miss you

by system 3/2/2021

written by system

“the thought of what I did to you, it tore me up inside. you didn’t deserve that, no one does. thinking of how happy you made me, how miserable I made you feel at times. how could you forgive me? please don’t confuse me as ungrateful, I love you. how could I not? I hate to be an echo chamber of words whispered into your ear a million times over, but you’re worth it. your smile that could melt away the stars, so bright, filling others with pure bliss. your soft spoken words, it’s as if the wind carries your words & dance to the […]

3/2/2021 5 comments

liar [internal dialogue]

by system 3/1/2021

written by system

you lied.

you lied you lied you lied you lied you LIED.

liar liar liar liar liar LIAR

YOU WERE AND CONTINUE TO BE THE SOURCE OF MY PAIN, I FEEL SO ALONE WITHOUT YOU AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME.

FUCK YOU

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I WISH I NEVER […]

3/1/2021 9 comments

remember

by system 2/28/2021

written by system

i don’t want to remember i don’t want to remember i don’t want to remember i don’t want to remember i don’t wan

make it stop make it stop make it stop please i can’t fucking take this anymore

i’m suffocating

“All things human hang by a slender thread; and that which seemed to stand strong suddenly falls and sinks in ruins”

2/28/2021 0 comment

temptation

by system 2/27/2021

written by system

i’m tempted to do it; to take a butcher’s knife and just cut off the flesh in which his name is engraved. i would take back my power and erase him from me. this vessel is no longer mine. i want to tear off my skin. i feel ashamed and disgusting to have ever been in his control. i have not yet figured out how to un-train myself to sit, stay, and lay down. the fear is embedded in my soul and my entire being.

i’m tempted to do it, if i’m lucky i might just bleed out

2/27/2021 14 comments

internal dialogue

by system 2/26/2021

written by system

I can’t take it
i can’t I can’t i can’t
get out of my head
get out of my head
get OUT OF MY HEAD

I hate him
why did he do this to me?? why did he make me do all those things?? i want to tear my flesh open my skin is fucikgin crawling
I HATE YOU ****** you took EVERYTHING FROM ME

YOU TURNED MY 8 YEARS OF ABUSE INTO 9. THIS BODY IS NO LONGER MINE, YOUR NAME IS ENGRAVED IN IT.

im at my fucking breaking point. i’m VERY close to making an extremely irreversible impulsive decision. would that make you happy, ******???? […]

2/26/2021 4 comments

everything and nothing

by system 2/25/2021

written by system

he gave me everything and nothing all at the same time. i was absolutely convinced that i was in love with him, that he was the only one who could ever truly be with me. because he told me so. he told me that he was the only person who could ever possibly understand someone like me, the only person who could truly make me happy. it was a falsity, to say the least. a sham. i bled for him. i destroyed myself for him. i gave him every ounce of life that i had left in me until i was running on empty. […]

2/25/2021 3 comments

dysfunction

by system 2/24/2021

written by system

it shouldn’t be this difficult. to get up, to function, to eat, to shower, to wash my face, to clean, to work. it shouldn’t be this difficult. I feel like I continue to hit a wall, attempt to stand back up, and immediately run back into it at full speed. withdrawal isn’t helping. the memory gaps continue to worsen. i barely remember what i did this week. the nightmares have been getting worse. you know what’s my fucking favorite? having a nightmare about abuse, waking up in the morning and thinking it’s over, go to bed that night only for the fucking nightmare to CONTINUE […]

2/24/2021 1 comment

nameless, faceless

by system 2/23/2021

written by system

they seldom had a name or a face. they knew everything about me but i knew nothing about them. their anonymity versus my specificity. no name, no face. just words, just abuse. they offered me nothing but threats and love that was a falsity. once caught in the first one’s trap, i was left wounded like a fox in the jaws of a bear trap. with bone showing and flesh cut away, it made me easier to catch. it weakened me. then came the next hunter, the next predator. and the next. and the next. unachievable is my justice as they remain nameless, faceless.

2/23/2021 2 comments

grieving for things i hardly remember

by system 2/22/2021

written by system

my early childhood. back then, when my sadness was not my default emotion. back then, when i had everything. when the world was beautiful. when i wasn’t running on empty. when things were ok. when i was ok. when my household was happy and perfect. everything was perfect. before my disorders started to show up.

yet, that feeling of happiness has become so fleeting, so foreign. i have yet to re-experience the bliss and carelessness i had as a young child. so many things that i cannot remember. but i think back, and i remember how i used to smile. i had a best friend. i […]

2/22/2021 1 comment

a walk and a breakdown

by system 2/21/2021

written by system

i took another walk with my ex tonight. i struggled to maintain a conversation because my mind was so empty. we continued to walk for 30 minutes and when we returned to my house, i sat on the pavement and started crying. i don’t know why i was crying. i don’t know why i feel like this. i feel numb to the point where i cry in pain when i am unable to understand the pain. everything feels wrong. for some reason i have a gut feeling that my ex is struggling or suffering and not telling me about it, but i think that i […]

2/21/2021 0 comment

withdrawal

by system 2/20/2021

written by system

and yet again, it begins. the trial. the trial of me having to suffer withdrawal so that they can give me yet another round of a new medication. i’m so tired. i can taste the release of death. it would be so easy. so, so easy. i can taste it. yes, load me up with another drug. because it will be different this time, right? it will last longer this time, right? right?

2/20/2021 0 comment

paper cut outs

by system 2/19/2021

written by system

i made paper cut outs today. i laminated them afterwards, and went to cut off the excess plastic. i was in the middle of carefully cutting around the paper, when the overwhelming urge to cut up all of my hair, my skin, and my clothes came over me. nothing triggered it. just an intrusive thought. why do they have to happen, though? my mind is already so cluttered, why does my brain create more mess for me to wade through? i’ve avoided cooking for a very long time because of it.. i can’t even dice vegetables without an intrusive thought telling me to stab myself […]

2/19/2021 7 comments

nothing much to say

by system 2/18/2021

written by system

today I was sad. I have had no motivation to do anything, and that also applies to journalling. I made a promise to myself to do it every day… so, here it is I guess.

2/18/2021 0 comment

who am i really living for?

by system 2/17/2021

written by system

the only reason i haven’t offed myself is because the people around me keep pleading me not to. why? why do they care? my ex came to my house last night around 1 am because he was worried about me. He rang the doorbell and woke my parents, but luckily they went back to sleep. He walked to my house. At midnight. In the cold. why do they care? I was on the phone with him for 2 hours telling him to go home but he was refusing to do so until he was convinced that I was safe. I just want to be gone. let […]

2/17/2021 10 comments

step into my shoes

by system 2/16/2021

written by system

You can feel it. The overwhelming dread of it all, the persistent paranoia; draped upon your shoulders like a cloak. It seems to swallow you whole. It’s what makes you sit down in the shower, wailing into your folded arms as the painfully hot water falls onto your back. It’s the tactile hallucinations of someone standing right behind you, watching you. It makes you feel like you’re delusional, like you can’t tell anybody or even begin to explain any of it. They wouldn’t understand. It’s the same thing that forces you to battle yourself into staying awake as long as possible so that you […]

2/16/2021 0 comment

coping mechanism

by system 2/15/2021

written by system

one of my biggest coping mechanisms is songwriting, so I thought I might share something I’m working on. it can be read like poetry I guess, it communicates a lot of the feelings I have about my recent abuser. even though its in present tense, the song is referring to past events. im no longer in contact with my abuser and am on complete social lockdown.

verse a
euphoria
it’s so possesing
can’t stop myself
from obsessing
you hold me close
just to bruise me
why is your love
so confusing

pre-chorus
i’m supposed to feel safe here
but everything’s so cold
you get me so high […]

2/15/2021 4 comments

repulsion

by system 2/14/2021

written by system

the disgust. the self shaming and hatred. it kills me. because of the nature of the abuse i’ve endured, i’m left with a body devoid of purity, a husk adorned with scars and tainted with contempt. i am repulsed. i am repulsed with myself, i am repulsed by sexuality because it has not been presented to me as a loving gift, but a weapon. a weapon to degrade me and disintegrate any sense of dignity i had left. a weapon to steal away the power from me, to leave me as nothing but a puppet. a slave. reduced to an object. discarded once they’ve tortured […]

2/14/2021 3 comments

supplements and eternal sleep

by system 2/13/2021

written by system

i want to lay down, wrap myself in my blankets and sleep forever… but i fear what waits for me on the other side of my slumber. the things i experience when i dream. they continue to plague me, night after night. my mother is making me take a magnesium supplement to help with my sleep (note: I am a VERY small person, this will be important in a second). all it’s done so far has been give me a stomach upset. i highly doubt a sour magnesium drink that Maya Rudolph does commercials for is going to cure my c-ptsd induced parasomnia. i’m at […]

2/13/2021 1 comment

stacking assignments and nighttime walks

by system 2/12/2021

written by system

today was strange. i don’t have much to write other than these few things.

the assignments keep stacking. i feel like i can barely keep my head above the surface, i’m treading water. i’m hanging by a thread.

i took a walk with my ex today (we’re still very close friends because of the nature of our breakup, neither of us wanted to, but he needed to work on himself and he was ignoring his problems). it was nice, but it felt wrong. it feels wrong not to hold his hand, lean against him, rest my head on his shoulder. i really hope we can get back […]

2/12/2021 0 comment

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