Death, my sweet melancholy friend,
Why have you hidden your face from me for so long?
I longed for you, but I could not find you.
As time went on, things only worsened in your absence.
Now, I can feel you are near.
Let me clear my schedule. Let me set the time aside for you.
You are the only one I can trust to hear my burdens as I lay in your cold embrace.
Reach out your hand, and invite me into your dark abode.
You and I both know life wasn’t meant for us.
I’m a final year student about to enter the job market, and my family’s well-being weighs heavily on me. While I appreciate everything my parents have done for me, their pressure to find a job immediately is causing a lot of stress.
Looking back, my academic performance wasn’t ideal due to personal struggles in high school. Now, many companies have strict eligibility criteria, making things even more challenging. Although I managed to do well in college and 12th grade, it feels like it’s not enough.
Hearing talks about being a burden to the family breaks my heart. I want to contribute and find a […]
I have a problem. A reocurring problem. I get depressed, and then I lead women on to me so that they give me attention, and then I become obsessed with them, and then I know that I have to detach myself from them, because I’m not looking for a relationship, I just want to ease the pain of my life somehow. And then I end up, not just causing more pain to myself, but hurting someone else too. This time it’s especially bad though. Because this girl is 14 years old. I thought she was older, maybe 17, and I should have stopped leading her […]
Sometimes I wish I could just die to see if anyone around me truly cared about my existence or travel to an alternate universe where I could see how those around me felt when I ended my life. To see if my life was even worth living, to see if anyone really did care about me in the end, or if I was just a burden as I have felt my entire life. Like, would my family care that was no longer living so they wouldn’t have to an extra body in the house, would my coworkers or my workplace care or would they just […]
Sometimes I wonder, what’s the point of going on. For a little background, I’m currently in a math class and not doing as well as I feel I should be and if I pass the 2 upcoming tests my grade will be pretty good, but I’m not confident at all and I while I had the first test postponed due to my poor mental health, I feel like a failure for having to do that. I’m not confident in myself at all, I feel like I should have been in grad school by now or that I should be doing better in this class. Sometimes […]
Why is it, that I get the urge to search up old friends and no one ever tried to find me? They know, where to find me but I’m not that special I guess..
I’m gonna give myself yet another gastric inflammation from all the mental effing stress. I have finally tried to do little attempts to talk to people besides my 2 friends again and yeah, surprise. For the millionth time, I am only an interesting person for a few days max. Most days, it didn’t even bother me but today hit really hard. It’s so bad I am feeling sick to my stomach.
I have […]
I cant take much more. I’ts like I’ve ruined all of my relationships and somehow my rock bottom became even deeper. I am constantly thinking about dying. But I know it would harm everyone in my family. But how much of a difference would it make because Im always selfish anyways. Ive tried to change and just when I thought I made some progress its like I go 10 steps backwards within a day. I don’t want to try anymore. I’m exhausted. I want and don’t want to die at the same time. I am constantly at war with myself and my emotions, all the […]
Today, I had to present on an article in class. In short, it was a disaster. The main problem was in that I did not explain the article from the perspective that the teacher expected it to be. It’s not the first time, I have focused on the wrong perspective. It could literally be a feature of my life. I just don’t understand why do I always see things so differently. Like how am I suppose to fit into society?
I think I have lot of complexities about my body and looks . I feel like I’m not the way I like to be . I really worry thinking of it everyday . I like a person …. but I feel like that person doesn’t deserve me …. I feel like I’m not a perfect match for that person …… I understand we must have self love for ourself and shit . But I feel I’m not beautiful in anyway ….. I don’t know what to do to overcome thissssss. I suffer a lot thinking about this ….. I don’t know what to do seriously […]
There is no meaning of life. We just exist, and die. And life goes on, and on, and on. For million, billion of years, etc etc etc.
We are just a speck of dust in the vast universe, in the grand scheme of things.
Of course, 90% (or 99%?) of people (human beings) will always try to find or give ‘meaning/purpose’ in their own insignificant lives, because the reason is simple: it’s survival instinct. Human beings (people) will (usually) try to keep living, keep surviving, no matter what. It’s evolutionary. It’s in human nature.
Even if it means people (humans) will create anything as their toxic positivity […]
I’ve had such bad experiences with therapists. This one was the only one in my city who would take my insurance and was accepting new patients now, not two or three years from now (that is literally the wait list for most of them). When we started early this year, I thought she was going to be good. I told her I’m autistic and sometimes I speak slowly, so I need you to be patient and give me time to process my words. She seemed to understand, and she did that at first.
But lately she’s been interrupting me, talking over me, talking past me… and […]
I have been alive for 9,230 consecutive days. At least what one can call the term, considering I’m breathing, having a heartbeat and I’m capable of forming my own thoughts. An inner life;an outer life;never felt alive-kind of deal. 5,215 days ago, I had made utter peace with mortality. In fact, I couldn’t wait to face it with all that I’ve had.
3,435 days ago, I had found understanding for that kind of thinking and I could move within a hidden space the way, I was supposed to for all my life. Unfortunately for me, everyone grew up. Except… Me. Things, a therapist can’t hear: “I […]
Some thoughts are causing me extreme pain, they won’t go away. I have gained weight, due to medication and I also eat like crazy. It’s gotten out of control, I used to do exercise at home and eat only particular things. I think my bad mentality got me addicted. I have given up a long time ago.
I do maybe know what I am going to study with my 25 years of meaningless existence oh so far. That’s a first for me. But I cannot imagine going out all the time. It’s so stressful for me, because I find myself revolting. I can’t handle any more […]
Y’know many people say that they wanna be popular and how they don’t wanna be alone? well let me tell you something that isn’t commonly said
being popular doesn’t help. having “friends” -real or fake doesn’t matter- doesn’t help. infact it just becomes more of a burden.
especially when you have social anxiety
Lately I have been thinking about “The Butterfly Effect”, If I made the slightest difference in choice a while back would I be somewhere completely different than I am now? If I chose not to do something as simple as pick up a penny one day would everything around me be different? If I didn’t make a tiny choice at some point in my younger years would I live in the same state? Would I be making straight A’s instead of failing? With a small choice I made, did that cause this sequence of events in my life. Because of a few minor things that may have […]
It’s just one of those days to research ways to kms. No one knows how exhausted I am. I’ve hit rock bottom today and it feels as though I’m not going to get up any time soon. The worst is, that my doctor won’t write me up to take time off anymore. Well, I guess that sucks to everybody else. I’m not getting out of the house unless absolutely necessary. I can’t care about anybody’s needs anymore. I’m in a constant goose chase and I have nothing to show for it.
When the pennies are so hard, that they’re crushing you…
I got a whiff of what owning some money feels like and it lessened my depression, because I went out more, to explore and buy a little something for myself. I still wear clothes from when I was 15 years old. (I just turned 25) Social contacts go up as well. A lady from eBay came by my home to drop off a Blu-Ray Player ’cause mine broke, she was nice.
Now my Mom’s going to be in a tough spot money wise and I’m afraid my money will go to the usual survival shit again. I’m […]
I’ve decided on an end date for myself. August 31st. This is the date of the next Blue Moon. Of course the stargazing conditions have to be perfect. Im not sure why I chose this. Maybe its because I want to go out on a beautiful night. I know this time I can’t back out. I won’t. I’m so tired. I love my mom and sister and the one friend I have but I can’t do this anymore. Perhaps I may find a reason to stay by the time the Blue Moon comes around but I highly doubt it. I am trying to keep my […]
If I were near an ocean I would let the tide take me.
Feeling the current pull me under.
The brief suffocating feeling .
The pressure of the water,
Filling my lungs.
No More fighting.
No more struggle.
No more air.
I could use a little weed or maybe some alcohol. its been a lot lately I been taking 2 Benadryl each day two sleep all day at school since im gonna fail anyways. I need a break. It would be nice if I could just pause time for a little while. I keep thinking I am going to try harder and I do for a little while but I just keep going back down. Can’t seem to ever catch up. All I ever do is sleep and work. Some times if I feel like it i’ll play my piano. I don’t play video games like […]
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