and eachway I head to, I know I’ll meet new things…..including feelings experience and challenges.
What differs me, as 21 y. o man from the baby I was when I were 3y.o, is mostly experience.
Tonight I’m inviting you guys to share with me your burden. I will read your comments and stories, and let us, for few minutes, walk together.
Some people here helped me a lot to gain the power I needed to pass the hardest times in my life. I want to regive. Perhaps I know things that will easily help you, and perhaps you have the knowledge I crave for.
I used to be depress, suicidal, insane, maniac, offensive . My life hasn’t changed drastically, but my knowledge did.
perhaps some of you would agree, that finding a solution, doesn’t make the solution easy to accomplish.
I still have a long way to go. Wounds to heal.
Let’s lessen the damage and have a moment together, walking down our life passage, sharing ideas how to cope with your struggles.
Stay strong, be brave, Yours Jac
Maybe I’m a psychopath. Maybe I truly am mentally disconnected from reality. Lacking empathy. But I want attention. After I tried to kill myself I just wanted to shout it to the world. Why did I want to do that? Why do I want to do anything? I’m useless. Oof, this is a hard one to swallow.
With days going on, I learn more and more about myself.
I had it hard in my life. I still am alone. I hid anything I can from people who know me in person.
But sometimes, I feel like I had enough.
I decided, hope for long, to stop crying and ranting about my life. I want to move on, and IF my focus will stay on – “what is bad in my life”, or what bothers me, or all those horrible things that are living in my past and present – then I would never overcome those demons.
If I would stop thinking about them, and giving them a place in my life, then they would loss strength. It is different than hiding them, because they will be under my control. I would decide that monetary problems aren’t that a big deal. I would decide that coping with dyslexia is okay. Will give a place for me to relax while suffering from abdominal pain until the pain killers start working.
I will give my mom the place in my heart to be appreciated and I will give her a shoulder she could rest on.
I will cope with my lack of time for friends and will deal my time better.
I will find motivation for studying and living where ever I can find.
Thinking about and feeling my demons has become my reality. Now it is time for me to stop bothering myself on those thoughts. It is time for me to move on and let those feelings die.
I accomplished enough in my life to cut off all those insecure parts of me.
I learned and got burnt enough times, to know I can cope with anything.
Right, I don’t say it is easy, actually – for me at least – it is really hard.
But I say I should over come my fears, pain , and demons [ including problems that are occurring in the present like monetary problems, suicidal mom and etc].
So today, I’m picking myself up.
I hope you do well on your own journey guys.
I hope you will have the strength to overcome your problems, and understand they are temporary. I wish for you to find your characteristics that will lead you through your own hell. I hope you will develop a man of honor when in few weeks, months, or years, you will pass this phase.
My life didn’t change that much, but my mind has.
I do my best to get my life on the tracks. You are welcome to read my other posts to understand what I’m talking about.
This site has saved me from suicide. I hope I won’t need it anytime soon.
Please, take some of the words I said, into your life guide.
I don’t undermine any of your problems. Just please, make sure you are focusing on coping with them, more than, focusing on them.
Stay strong, Be brave, Your friend, – Jac.
ps: temporary is a catch; You don’t know how long it will take, you don’t know if you will ever over live your problems, but things are gone after an amount of time.
I’ve been reading many posts made by teenagers and, I won’t lie to you, I feel so sad. They’re young and they still have a lot of time ahead of them.Being young is tough,parents can be a pain in the ass a lot of times and being a student can be sometimes unbearable.But still,they can pursuit their dreams,they can try for what they want and certainly they can achieve many things.
In 2016 I read about a 16 year old girl in my country who committed suicide.Her classmates have been bullying her,because she was overweight.Three months ago I read about a young boy in my hometown who loved a girl and couldn’t tell her how he felt.He went to a bridge and he fell off.He was 16 years old.I’ve seen Katelyn Davis’ suicide video.I cry a lot when I see these things or when I read about them.
Yes,life isn’t easy and you have to face many difficulties.But when you’re young,you can still hope and you can still try,you can still overcome your problems,you can still live.People can be bad,really bad,but you can search and find people that you like and they like you.You can change yourself,you can find a hobby,you can find a good work,you can find a girlfriend or a boyfriend,you can do many many things.Even if you have mental problems,you can still overcome them or learn how to live with them.Many teens are battling with mental illnesses and continue to live.
Believe me,I know how it is to be hopeless.I myself tried twice to commit suicide and I believe that I don’t have a future.But I would give anything to go back in time and grasp the opportunities I’ve wasted.I would give anything to be a teenager again and relive not only the good moments,but also the bad ones.
I want to live.
The reason for it is simple – I think I can make it.
I know many who look for logical explanation and balance of good and bad. I know people who put their faith in religion only to move on and wake up each day.
I cope with my burden by writing to you guys every evening and night. Sometimes I even stay awake until every one is asleep so I could write to you.
I don’t talk to my friends, or college friends, or roommates, about how and what I feel.
I don’t think they need to know. My life experience is fucked up. I saw my uncle doing heroin, my mother trying to tie a knot on her neck. My father being an ass. I saw many things I would love to delete. Most of them are so repressed that they only haunt me at my dreams.
Eventually I barely share my situation with anyone.
And this brings trust issues for some.
I’m very intelligent when it comes to socializing, so most of people feel trust to share with me anything, but when I’m shutting up about myself, problems are starting to raise above ground.
My name is Jac, 21 y.o [almost], I’m coming from a single parent family, with lack of money, and a lot of financial problems through the way.
My mother is responsible for the whole situation, but I can’t blame her. She would’ve never could think that her own family, or my father, would turn their backs and act so insane.
Anyway, my mother chose to “invest” in my studies. She believes in me, she wants me to even do a Master engineering and PHD. She is the only provider of our family of 3 (mom, me and big bro). So investing in my education sounds like a good plan, because right now, our financial situation is lining with a crysis.
I do my best to focus on studying and working. I also do my best to focus on my mental health. Even further, I cope with a sickness that causes severe abdominal pains.
I won’t even bring up my past, and/or talk about its complexity.
I don’t have any spare time to go out with friends
Most of my friends started hating me for working a lot or studying. They couldn’t understand why would I need to work. As if why would I have a money problem. I just hid it from them.
They didn’t find any apathy toward, they instantly got mad at me for being so “selfish” (wtf).
I don’t even start a relationship with girls that I like [and some likes me back, yeah, it happens]. Due to my lack of time, and the understandably priority scale, I don’t develop relationships [both romantic, or friendship].
Therefor, in few years, when my financial problems, will be gone, and my family will be much more calm and mentally sane/healthy, I will still lack the ability to hold relationships/friendships.
I foresee the damage done. I already had absorbed bad influence from my psychopathic family [grand parents, aunts, unlce addicted to drugs and etc]. I already was raised with out a dad, and poor, and had to deal with my own fucking bullies like a man [taught those fuckers a good lesson]. And this is just breaking me. To know that even after dealing with such an insane situations, I would still have to deal with the after affects.
And even then what? Would I be able to cope with the depression that hunts me?
Would I over come those demons in my mind ?
Would I will learn to be less violent ?
I got tired mid through that long ass post, pardon me for spelling/weird grammar and etcerta or just fuck off.
Anyway stay fucking strong, be for ever brave. Yours – Jac.
PS: I read your comments each day.
I’m doing a wonderful job of getting progressively worse
My mother is considering quitting her job because
I’m kinda shutting down.
She told me her day has been okay
but I’m told she nearly crashed this morning
because my bullshit made her break down mentally.
I saw this kid walking to school near me yesterday.
I don’t see that too often because most people around here seem to get rides.
I believe he’s a junior.
He seemed mature
in that traditional sense
like adults could take him seriously
but I noticed the entire walk
that his actions
seemed to be completely independent of his surroundings.
It reminded me of low budget graphics
and how, in truly terrible films, the characters have this horrible way of gliding along the ground inconsistently with their steps
as if their movement is completely independent of when or how they step.
It’s unnatural and alien looking
but you may even notice it in early higher budget animation if you pay close attention.
He’d step on things or would walk past objects with no
I notice that a lot about people.
People who do good jobs of taking care of themselves.
I think they’ve mastered this
not as a response to things, as I have,
but as a state of being that I can’t achieve.
I come off as dramatic but I think I’ve just a bad habit of reacting
and it’s absolutely exhausting me.
I’ve literally had everything taken away from me. I’ve had my dignity taken, my job, my life and my friends. I’ve been the target of the most vicious slanders and attacks and I can’t fight back through all this. What’s worse is that my parents don’t give a damn and even give out excuses that it’s my fault when they’ve also contributed to my present state with their lifelong years of abuse and psychological torment living among them.
I was called names, nothing I did was good, I was never good enough, turned things around to protect their ego and pride, twist things around when I got beaten that it was due to my “rebellious” nature and I’ve been labeled a black sheep even though I’ve never drank (unless on social occasions), never did drugs, never went to prison and never got charged. My brother however who has been through these things get a free pass and even became a “jewel” in their eye because he’s now a lawyer or some shit. What’s ironic here is that I was converted into some protestant religion (we come from a predominant catholic country) and they literally piled up on me and told me my religion was useless and I will never amount to anything despite it while my brother who suddenly converted got off and they were even proud because he is now finally a “changed” man. Now they just excuse this off as “jealousy” on my part. WTF!
I’m literally filled with nothing but rage and contempt for my family. Hell, they even tried to make it a point that I’m nothing to them and I’ve been unwanted for these past years when they sided with other people than with me and wanted me out of the house. They don’t give a damn but want to even just make me more angry by pushing my buttons and telling me I only have one person left to love me in my life, my lifelong sweetheart which has been there for me through all this time. I really have nothing left but rage and anger at this point. I want to kill them, kill the people around me with my bare hands. I’ve reached rock bottom for the past year. All the years of abuse and traumas in my life has taken its toll on me. I feel anxiety, anger, stress and rage all the time. It’s not even healthy but I console myself that I’m still human for feeling these things.
I’ve heard that suicidal and depressed people feel nothing but numbness but I feel rage and anger to the point that I want to kill all those that wronged me. If I could just “accident” people, I would do it without a second thought. Fuck them. If I knew life turned out like this, I wish I was never born if I would be under their household. I know I’m not the only one experiencing this and it’s truly not unique but I wonder how all those guys who have overcome their struggles such as mine go on through their lives without dealing with all their pent-up anger inside. It’s eating me inside and I know it’s destroying me and my relationships with other people. I want to change all that but don’t even know where to start. Some people tell me to move on but I know that the best way on my part is to deal with all those that wronged me.
Tomorrow is the beginning of February, which holds with in it 4 major finals.
To start with I want to say sorry for the last disturbing posts.
I use uppers [- Ritalin- ] to treat my ADHD, and it definitely causes heavy downs and other irrelevant side effects.
I’ve promised to update: I decided to let go of this site for a while, let go off whatsapp, facebook, 9gag and etc.
I know myself, and I know what I need for my own good.
Plans motivates me best, and I will from now on, focus on the studying and on the craving of achieving 100.
—- For who ever has hard times doing so, my advice is to ask your self each day, in random times: “What am I doing for it?” “Am I studying?” “What were my last questions about each subject?” “Am I able to answer those questions right now?” ” Did I read enough?”.
I know how different is studying from doing something physical as sports or so. You challenge your mind more than your muscles and don’t have any good scale to know your exact level at the moment. I advice for who ever that struggles with studying is to remind himself what is the main object, and how would he FEEL like if he would succeed. The imagination [of succeeding, and the feeling of it] can help get your focus back at hard times.
Education is one of the basics tools for life getaway.
Some monopolies sources of depression can be caused of monetary problems and/or lack of “potential fulfilled in the eyes of the self”. Those mono’ can be treated the outcomes of fine education.
Wish you all well, stay strong, be brave. Yours for ever – Jac.
Few years ago, I was a dead boy walking down the school’s corridors. Walking back, forth, between rooms for each class, and from there back to the empty house.
I always had knew what was expecting me at that house.
I always feared from those ‘good’ days. I was so.. under pressure, I could have felt that life is a – if you enjoy today, tomorrow you will be in sorrow, and if you are really lucky, your suffering will start from the same day you dared to fucking smile.
I kept my mouth shut for so long, didn’t feel anyone around me. They were merely humans to my own eyes. I perceived them as distortions in my own world.
I always had the dream of going somewhere really far away, from all of those who aren’t in control of their anger and needs, and there for are toxic [example: most of my family which now I have no connection to].
I felt that if a human being is manipulating his own kids for his needs, then something must be pretty fucked up and un-human in their mind.
Even further, I became so scared of being hurt, being blamed, being yelled at, being unable to have normal friendships that I practiced my “emotional intelligent” to the max.
As I grew old, I became a psychopath [ how surprising, lol ?]. I remember being 11, going and kicking around cats, I loved the feeling of abusing them, I still don’t know how I got over that to be honest, or if I even did.
Also when fishing, I tested my ability to go beyond abusive, but caught fishes and used their eyes as my new bait [took them straight out with the hook when they were alive] to catch others.
I remember feeling the need to murder my own brother at age 9 [If I remember right]. I hated him for being so rude to me. I had pleasure of the feeling that I would be sent away somewhere, and would [probably] won’t need to talk to my parents anymore.
I hated my dad too, such an asshole. I still have dreams of beating the shit out of him.
– I never FEEL alive, but when I had sex, skydiving, or any other extreme sport. Each other day is senseless to me –
I remember having nightmares of people dying, later on, each night I had the same dream. It was me running away from zombies, or mutants, or… what ever it were. There was no other human in my dreams. I was the sole person in this world, unable to communicate with other face-like-human creatures, or people I saw in my dreams.
– those dreams first showed when I was 5 or 6.. but they became daily after few years.
Few years later, eight or nine grade, I become aware of other’s people complicity.
It took me time, I never thought about it. It becomes harder to over see the outcomes of social meetings and tougher to manipulate people to what I want.
I started to analyze my friends, and when there was a girl I liked, I would’ve done things to get close to her. I would never manipulate her as much as I could’ve, but would definitely say things I didn’t even felt or meant, but knew they would pool the right strings. I did it so expertly that they had never noticed.
I became so good at it, that I already know how to friend 99% of who I meet with and earn their trust at merely days or hours.
Reading this, would probably make many of you sick, or perhaps un-amused. I never hurt some one, and keep my knowledge and abilities to myself. I understand today what is to hurt someone, and therefor I don’t use people or manipulate them no more. I just live my life aside. All I wish is to be out from here. I don’t want to be around people, I don’t like them. Even about girl friend is something I merely can maintain [and by that I mean to relationship]. It feels like something gets to close to me. And I’m afraid there is someone who would see my real self as much as I can see of others. I wanna stay low profile. I’m better at this, than unleashing the kraken.
- As a kid I was always left out and lonely. It made me create a lot of imaginary friends and a strong creative but antisocial mind. However, it also made me want attention and when I didn’t get that, it made me cry. I had so many bad things happen to me I closed myself off from the world and now I don’t know who I am. All I knew was that I was an attention seeker, money waster (I caused the family to pay a lot of stuff) and horrible person because I did bad things just for attention. I hate myself so much but I can’t figure myself out because I don’t know who I am. I desperately want to go back to that innocent little girl and start over but I know I can’t and it kills me. I am giving up on this world and all the bad things I’ve done and received. The world is slowly dimming for me in my eyes and probably everyone else’s .
…where to start
. . .
I just found this site while looking up “how to slowly die”, “how long can an overdose take affect”, and “how to make suicide look like an accident”…
That’s a great way to start off a story.
If I seem sarcastic, joking, or offensive in any way, sorry. I’m not trying to be. I’m just not sure how to act like myself anymore. Not in this state I’m in… Then again, there might be some or most people like that on here. I’m not sure… I don’t really make jokes about these thing but I just now do them because I suddenly don’t care any more.
Why don’t I care?
Why am I here?
Why do I think these things?
Since for what I know, I can express my emotions better on paper than verbally doing it. I do like writing. Even made a buch of fictional stories in the past. But now… not so much… So I guess this can help me vent out my feelings without someone confronting me and let them worry about “my well-being”. It’s ironic since I’d rather worry about others than let them worry about me. Now that this is my little introduction to this (hopefully not regretting) website…
I wanted to be open with you – I see you guys as friends – and tell you that I’m fucking scared.
I’m a student, 20 y.o, young, unsure of myself, and dealing with etc…….[doesn’t really matter].
As most of you know, February is Final Exams month.
I’m facing one of my biggest challenges I’ve ever had so far.
Even more than facing my father’s abusive behavior, or dealing with my mom’s suicide attempt .
I don’t know what this month will bring, I can either fail hard and go down as a man, or succeed.
Either way, I’m choosing to study the best I can. Short stops, smart choices, and knowing my weaknesses.
The uni shrink told me to use my ability to manage things. He said I should use this way of thinking more often. I have to admit it really brought my self-esteem to a new summit.
Therefor, now I can tell you that I managed my studying plan, and hoping I would succeed.
I would love to hear you guys, of how to manage this, and how to perfect my studying. I really appreciate your comments, and care. It means a lot !!!.
PS: I have this minor problem – I feel emotionally lonely, anyone has advice of how to co-op with this feeling when it comes up ?
—- I used to have a female friend that I talked to a lot, but her bf got —– jealous and told her to stop messaging me 🙁 .
Really looking toward your comments,
Anyhow, stay strong, be brave, Yours – Jac
Years ago, I woke up one day without a fear of my own choices or actions. I didn’t feel time. I didn’t know what age was. Age was just a number that silently reminded everyone of another year that gets us closer to our death.
Hearing the number “24” is nothing to an even older person. It’s as if the youth evaporates into the sky when our age consumes our identity. So, if “24” is nothing then when will we become something? At what age will we start to exist in this world? When will the youth be able to stretch their legs out without the dysfunctional manipulation of society constantly destroying our minds with overwhelming trash that should be the ultimate less of a worry in our everyday lives?
When someone says, “time flies” it is no joke, it literally flies right on by. Facing life a day at a time and building experiences every moment you open your eyes. Building up loads and loads of stories that involve yourself and your actual life. I have experienced many struggles but I strongly believe that pain cannot be compared whatsoever. Everyone deals with hard situations in a different way.
In other words, if I breathe in and out to pace my stressed out heart during a difficult life situation, others can suppress what is going on with their strung-out heart and build up tension and trauma. The pain builds up and tears apart those who do not understand how to control or cope with their struggles. But that is okay! Not all of us are fortunate to just get up and learn to meditate our thoughts and practice understanding our own minds and triggers. I wasn’t able to do what I do now until like a few months ago. I am still learning til this day.
I am not trying to say that I have always been great at understanding my own thoughts and triggers, but I wanted to make it clear that it isn’t impossible to get to that point.
Bit of background: I have PTSD, Anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder and eating disorders. I still struggle every day but learn something new about myself every day as well. I have had suicidal tendencies and still struggle against my own demons, I even remember when I strongly believed I would never make it out of the darkest hole I was buried in. Nothing beats all the terrible, endless, empty thoughts like tearing them apart with standing up and saying, “ENOUGH!” because it is time.
It isn’t supposed to be easy, but no one can stop you from turning your life around. Silencing those who have talked down to you is the first step. Next step, is silencing your own burdening demons. Courage becomes your middle name and faith becomes your last. Your first name stands as your own because YOU have COURAGE and the ability to sustain and water your FAITH.
You are a beautiful flower in this ridiculously large world. You color the world’s emptiness and white and black. You have a purpose and that is to sprout that beauty along every terrace that traces the edges of the world. Travel, breathe fresh air and find yourself. That is truly what is going to help you spread your wings and fulfill your dreams. Because you can!
Remember, silence your demons and fight against them. Walk along the dark forest with a smile and watch the sun pull you out of the crowd of demons trying to divide you from the beautiful nature, living.
Because YOU MATTER!
Remember I may be turning 24 soon and have fought
many fights with my own demons, but age doesn’t make you stronger and more experienced. Your own words and courage to fight do! Fight on my friends. I support you greatly!
Your friend always,
i’m sort of bored and out of touch with reality as per usual at this point but i just thought it would be sort of nice to post some past kinda sad things i’ve written, i guess they’re like poetry but it’s mostly random thoughts. I think the last one resonates the most.
i’m scared i can’t meet anyones expectations, including my own maybe.
but that doesn’t matter as much
if that’s correct i’m truly sorry and i’d do so much for anything to stay the same.
i’m just worried overly most likely but i can’t just ignore my anxieties
spontaneously wanting to die and feeling even a little disconnected from reality itself and not really being able to comprehend it.
or thinking about it too much that it’s strange and foreign.
none of this really happening for a particular reason, other than quite possibly having some sort of mental illness relating to depression and its symptoms.
i don’t even know how to describe what i’m feeling in clear words, all of it seems fake, especially now.
wording it in different ways makes it feel more understandable…. but in the end, it’s not.
not even to myself, outside of my thoughts.
it is really as if i don’t matter to anyone, being only a convenience or someone that i am not.
there is no realization that i need help, assistance, or comfort.
i don’t, but i do.
never reaching out, it seems to be my own problem.
still undoubtedly worried about such a topic, i convince myself of terrible things.
i solely exist
so that i may simply coexist
it wouldn’t matter if i wasn’t here.
but here i am anyways.
taking up space,
acting as some special being that i am truly not.
So it’s been a long time since I’ve been on this site. Last month, was the worst month I’ve ever been through. No, I didn’t self harm, because, i was way past that point. I was at the point where i felt certain pain and had emotional breakdowns often, but i felt genuinely empty now. Before, I often had reasons as to why I would feel particularly horrible one day, more so than before. But last month, I just was horribly in emotional pain for all 31 days. My grades dropped so much and the drive I had to succeed in school and life was taken away like it never existed. This month, I felt somewhat less depressed and more motivated to work… but that “new year” energy was quickly drained away. Now, I just feel empty. I don’t even know what emotions I feel, maybe none at all. The only thing on my mind is the sweet abyss of death. I’ve had no motivation for the future I’m convinced doesn’t even exist for me for the past month, these few weeks have been no difference. I just feel so cold, so empty, with no one to turn to. Stress and pain has piled on,, with my responsibilities and tasks growing by the minute, but I still refuse them. For a hot second, I thought of how unrealistic it was for me to kill myself, and that deep down I really couldn’t do it. Not because I was scared or thought I’d regret it, but just because maybe I’d have some hope that maybe I’d actually turn out to have the future I wanted. But who am I kidding. I’m just gonna waste more time thinking and dreaming of things I can never have and never experience. The life I want and the people I want in it will never exist. I sit in a small abyss of emptiness, with a life 1/7 billion, worth close to nothing. As I’m typing this, I feel no sadness, no happiness, no hope, no joy… Honest, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. There really is no purpose for this existence, hopefully there’s no afterlife or rebirth either. These years I’ve been alive, doing nothing meaningful at all, really are more than enough for me- I would NOT want to go through this again. My dreams of being somebody and loving somebody are simply ridiculous and unattainable, my hopes are so pathetic and my efforts are useless. Well, then again what effort have I been putting in when all I do is sit around waiting for things to be done themselves. It’s pathetic and I want to change but I somehow simply cannot. Maybe it’s a beacon that time’s up and my pitiful existence here is over and I can FINALLY be done. YOLO- thank god.
Hey, I have a serious month to go through. it will determines my hopes and dreams for the long run. It is also a “one chance” opportunity.
You can help me by giving my advices – please – if you have an idea, I would love to hear it, I need your help!!!
I have a month of finals – I want to know how can I be the most efficient ?
How can I be awaken. How can I be full of motivation? What do I need to tell my self?
Should I use alot of coffee and set sleep hours?
I thought about abusing Ritalin, and I will do it.
I thought about going to sleep at 22:00 and waking up at 5:00 straight.
PLEASE PM ME and teach me your way. [insert teach me de whey meme].
Anyway, yours Jac, with peace and love and caring, and big worm muscly hug.
ps – Stay strong, BE BRAVE.
I lost so much at the last years.
I know I would never be the same person, I already saw myself changing with the years.
I became a mad-man ;
Lacking sympathy, don’t feel love or any kind of true social bond.
I became more and more sociopath, but with the understanding of human beings. I can identify most of the people’s weaknesses and I usually take advantages of it for my own good, only to survive.
Look… It is just that I’m pissed of on my reality.
But I guess it doesn’t matter. AS LONG AS I KEEP PUSHING THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
anyway good day you all, with love and care – stay strong, be brave, yours Jac.
I lied to you guys about quitting this site…
I just can’t, you strangers are the only one to talk to.
I’m getting really lonely, and afraid of losing control.
I’m at my second semester, February is going to be the finals (University tests). Last semester I scored 88.5 average which is pretty high. But I promised my mom to score around 95 this semester.
I’m focused on the target…..but at the end of the day, when it gets silent, and I feel like talking, I’ve none to talk to.
I’m a friendly fine looking man, it is not that I don’t have friends out here or there.. But it is just that I’m holding back so many secrets and bad memories/ current events which I tell none about.
I used to have a friend from work, I texted at late hours. but her bf got so insecure and jealous that now she doesn’t text me.
I’m really lonely.
I hate this years the most. I hate college. I wish to finish it already.
everyone speaks about prosperity and development through the studies. everyone is focused on meeting others and studying.
I’m just focused on the fucking simple target.
I want to finish this so I’ll have the power to make my mom normal and sane (she is unmentaly stable and really short on money) and help my brother (he doesn’t have money, and few years older than me, currently doing nothing).
I wanted to say this: my grandmother is dying of cancer and I don’t speak to her for already four years.
my other grandmother died an year ago without me knowing, because I don’t have connection with my insane dad for about three years.
I’m just a fucking kid taking control at crazy ass situation.
My whole childhood is a one big miss of opportunities.
And same goes for my university experience.
I have gotten so lonely that I’m just crying infront of my smartphone in my 1 meter square room, to random strangers.
I don’t know how I’ll make it through
I really hope to find a girl to be with soon, because I really felt like I had reason to live with my last ex.
anyway, with or without, and even if current life gets worse, I would not kill myself because I’m a few steps from winning my life back.
Your comment matters,
stay strong be brace, do what you gotta do.
Your friend, Jac.