General

There’s many reasons why “therapists” did not work for me, and one of those reasons is what this guy mentions.

People think that going to see a therapist automatically means they are all good, qualified people and help you get BETTER, but I’ve been to many therapists and they do such a shitty job that I felt WAY WORSE after sessions. People think “just see a therapist” as if it’s an end-all be-all. Like oh look, there’s a SOLUTION and you just won’t take it. Then blame you if you don’t go or if the shitty therapists don’t help.

Many of those people are […]

I was typing up a WHOLE LONG post and my finger slipped (as it often does) and accidentally closed the page (as it often happens). The WHOLE THING IS LOST. So fucking annoying.

And my finger slips and hits keys I don’t want to hit all the time, probably bc the keys on the keyboard are too close together (I’m on a small laptop) and whatever buttons required to close a tab is way too easy to accidentally press. -_-

Today’s not really been that great. I’m just really depressed, and lonely, and constantly fighting my head. I picked up a game I havent played in awhile and played that for quite a while. It was nice… I’ve not had much energy for any of that. I also picked up a pencil and drew something for the first time in a month. Wasted a few hours on youtube, wasting data… but I dont really want quiet today, my thoughts are too loud. Today’s been wasted, like I waste all my other days. I feel like my existence is just a waste. I need to get […]

I am FUCKING PISSED that the shitty PC place refused to let me take the PC Repair Class years ago. There was a program for unemployed people to take classes so they can learn skills and get employed, and they had one right near my old apt. But they wouldn’t take me bc I wasn’t the race they wanted (it was run/staffed by a certain group of ethnic people) and they wouldn’t let me take that class even though I qualified. It was a horribly racist place. I qualified and they refused to even put me on the list bc […]

1st- My laptop fell and either the charger or charging port got damaged. Spent time running around to a PC repair shop. Hopefully it’s just the charger but I’m scared it’s the charging port that got damaged bc it feels loose. Actually, it wasn’t charging properly the last 6mo+ or so. I really hope it’s just the charger bc if it’s the port then that’s going to cost money to have someone fix it. Plus the time that I can’t use the laptop and the energy involved going to several PC repair shops to find the lowest price, which is […]

Wondering if most suicidal people are into “dark” movies? Sure I’ll watch all types of genres but I’ve always gravitated to the more “dark” movies ever since I was a kid. Sci-fi, horror, murder, death, etc.

Hell, would be interesting to see a study as who who watches what kind of movies. Do happier people watch happy-go-lucky movies? Comedies? Do depressed ppl watch more morbid movies? Who watches true crime? Loads of middle aged women are glued to true crime shows. What does it say about middle age women lol

What dark movies/shows do you recommend?

Sigh, movies not really doing it […]

I feel like an alien. I don’t feel like I belong here or anywhere. I joined a website recently that has people that share similar interests as mine. I have 30 or so “friends” on there but I only actually talk to one. I read the blog posts my “friends” make and it’s making me aware of how wholly and utterly different I am from everyone. And I don’t mean that in a good way.

My “friends” talk of spending their summer going out with friends, riding their horses, flirting with their crushes, rekindling past relationships, whatever. Meanwhile, I’m spending my summer in my room alone, […]

I’m sorry to everyone (irl) who care(s)(d) about me in this life, despite being a worthless little nothing. For whining and being selfish. For being unreliable and bad with words for comfort. Even when trying to help, which is as much as possible, all I do is destroy and ruin. To my partner: you deserve better… I think you know that. I’m sorry I wrote the note that got me sent here. Everything after has been a domino effect of that. I’m sorry for being so disgusting and selfish. I still love you.

I havent eaten anything yet today and I dont think I will. For two […]

I can’t decide if dusk or dawn is when* Might be morning, because I’m always up at night. Those last moments are so important. I have coffee now, so maybe that. I don’t watch much TV. I haven’t decided honestly.

I’m into survival game movies, last man standing types. Movies like:

-Squid Game
-Battle Royale
-Escape Room
-Cube
-13 Sins
-The Circle
-The Platform

Any recommendations?

Humbling experience, this whole thing has been, but today was particularly sharp. Remember the metaphor I had going about rebuilding my office and my life? Well this morning was the equal of a heart attack…. the old computer which I was really struggling to let go of froze up. Worse, it happened after I had done a big chunk of cleaning and rearranging, and it causing a deficiency was exactly what I was afraid of… so I kind of lost it, for awhile

What saved me is even more stupid, I just couldn’t afford the meltdown, too much going on, and there’s no support there for […]

I type this while walking home after my mom decided to get into it with me in the car AGAIN except this time  it’s an hour away from home.  She has this thing of always saying something bad to me while we in the car cause then I can’t go no where or walk away which I normally do cause I know I will have a mental breakdown when I tell her to stop and she doesn’t, let’s talk about this recent incident. Yesterday before she left for work she randomly comes to my room and told me call me later I have to tell […]

What my kidneys will look like after drinking **

What my heart will look like after drinking **

Kind of scary. I probably should’ve asked for MB at the hospital my first time. I think I’m ok, like lefty there.

This is making me hungry. Gonna make some pizza.

Standing on the street smoking a cigarette, a young man tries to bum one off me, but I don’t have the pack on me so I share it with him. We chit chat, some things he says are confusing and I assume he’s not all with it. We commiserate about being unemployed, he asks me “What are your dreams?” Kind of a deep question for 5 mins of chitchat. The kind of question only ever asked by people who have dreams of their own. It’s also the kind of aspirational sentiment you get in North America which I will never get used to. In my […]

Sure I’ve had ups and downs, been various levels of depressed, very depressed and suicidal. But the last 9mo has been hell. Well the last few years has been hell too but it’s getting worse and worse. I can’t even distract myself with music and movies anymore. Going through lists of movies and it’s all “eh.”

I hate this. I hate my life. I hate that I hate everything and feel NO fucking joy in anything anymore. In the past, I’d at least enjoy SOME things like movies, music, food, a nice breeze, etc.

I’m so cursed. I can’t […]

You can’t even pull in to the drive-thru in Mc’Donalds without a junky panhandling. I was one car behind where you place the order and out of nowhere a junky appeared. “Any change for a hostel mate?”  Said the junky. ” I wouldn’t give you the steam off my piss” I said. ” No need to be like that mate” said the junky.  I decided to call his bluff. ” I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll get you a cheeseburger” I said. ” to tell you the truth mate, I could use a few quid instead” said the junky. I had to admire the […]

I wish I could go back to s*********.com. Felt nice having a chatroom. I noticed that more businesses were regulating what I need. Prices rising, too. The bastards.

So the other week I went to get food (unsuccessfully) and had to walk a bit. Saw a storefront called “The Cutting Room.” It was dark and closed (night time) so I didn’t know what is, but my immediate thought was cutting/SH or cutting/butchering place. Turns out “The Cutting Room” was just a haircut place. But funny how my first and second thoughts are so damn dark O_o

I mean it’s not funny but how are we supposed to be all sunshine and roses when we instinctively think certain thoughts? It’s not as if I haven’t TRIED to change my thoughts. […]