General

How does one not feel so alone, so depressed and suicidal when you have no one in your life? When you feel like no one loves you? When you have no one who truly cares about you?

I mean REAL friendships, REAL connections.

Today was bearable. The cold after a few nice warm days kinda put a dent in my mood, but it’s fine I guess. I really need to shower while I’m like this, before it all goes to shit again and I go weeks without doing so. I’m still able to eat, I actually was able to get something I dont usually get for lunch, and I was able to eat everything for the first time in forever (I tend to get really sick after like 5 bites or something idk why) I ate a little dinner but I was still full from lunch.

Turns out I’m […]

I had to look it up, fan as I am of a good turn of phrase, “Hell is other people” is from the philosopher Sartre, an existentialist. Apparently there is some controversy about the phrase and what Sartre meant. I may be misinterpreting, or appropriating it for my own use. As a writer myself, I’d rather my words be used again than people be delicate about it out of fear of misquoting me.

Some things stick with me. I realized this morning that I had the immediate compulsion to hide away, from my pain, from the feelings too big to deal with. I’m making a conscious […]

English isnt my first language. I don’t claim to be any good at writing, i only like sharing whats on my mind in a special way.

I always liked looking at you

Every features on your face

All jigsaw pieces, all perfectly good together

I always liked looking at you

Until i started looking at you, asking myself

What the grief on your face would look like

And what your reaction would be to my death

But do not worry because

I will always enjoy looking out for you

I’m doing my best today… I guess today was fine, just very long. My partner is the best thing to ever happen to me, they’re just so perfect and sweet and idk why they care about me but they do… it helps me keep going at the very least. I’m doing my best, I don’t feel great at all, but I’m trying. I’m sure people I talk (used to talk to) to are sick of that phrase, but it’s true. I guess that’s all one can do other than die.

Can’t really be bothered to even type right now, I don’t want to live alone. I want my mum back. but she is in a nursing home because she needs constant care. she had a stroke which affected many aspects of her.
I’m living in a nightmare.
I hope her condition improves in the next few months. THIS really isn’t any kind of life otherwise in my opinion. she’s in a bed most of the time and the nurses do everything for her. no dignity or privacy at all. I don’t want my mum being in such misery. I am not suggesting anything here. But […]

I got an emulator controller for Nintendo Gamecube, the video game system I was playing as a teenager. So it’s like a little time machine, and out of the gate the first thing I’m realizing is that I was way more cheerful/willing to fail at that age. These games are punishing by modern standards.

I’ve always been pretty skeptical about nostalgia, partially because most of the good things in my past I try to keep around. Dealing with things from a new angle, I’m hoping to learn more about myself, maybe recapture that optimism, that hope.

currently playing Luigi’s Mansion and Pikmin, which are still an amazing […]

No go for a walk or go journal type of stuff. That’s for when one is sad.

Is there ANYTHING that can realistically pull us out of a DEEP DEEP DEEP Depression? I’m at a point where I’m in despair- I’ve lost hope that “things will be better.” When you’ve waited years and decades, and those words haven’t turned true, and things only have gotten worse, not better. And once you’re middle-aged or old, realistically, what “hope” is there left that “things will be better”? The older you are, the less likely it’s going to happen before you eventually kick the […]

Why am I still here.

Why did I bother waking up today.

I’m so tired.

I’m trying to better myself, and trying to stay on the upside. It’s not been working too well. I have so many thoughts in my head I cant get out. Theres no point in even trying. The world is going to hell, I’m going to lose everyone I love one way or another and we’re all going to go into the oblivion. I don’t think they love me as I love them. Especially the one. I want the thoughts to stop and the bad dreams to stop..

I’ve not been able to eat right […]

I feel so far from a meaningful life. And it’s so hard to take even a tiny step in the right direction. Because I know that once I’ve exerted the effort, and put myself through the ordeal, I will still be effectively in exactly the same place. I will still go to bed tonight tormented by all of the things I missed out on in life. And I will still wake up tomorrow exhausted, not wanting to face the world.

It would take so much consistent effort to get myself even close to something different. And I just can’t bring myself to do it. Every tiny […]

I am hopelessly depressed

I think a lot about purpose, trying to have one and how I fail at it. In a wider scope though, I don’t think anyone else is doing better at actually having a purpose, hence my thesis; anyone can either be replaced or rendered unnecessary.

It’s been bugging me more and more, what with some of the recent celebrity news, but also the way AI is literally taking what people are all about. I love AI art, but it’s a depressing thing to love. The celebrity news is Justin Roiland of Rick and Morty has been removed from all of his projects. I’m not defending him, […]

Walk the streets beneath the shadows
Searching for a cryptic bride
Eat alive the conscience I hate

Not suicide related, although the constant judgement when one is poor might be enough to feel that way.

Endless examples of what kind of judgments can occur:
Y: you, yourself
O: the other person

Y: sorry I can’t afford to go to a cafe for a coffee together with you
O thinks to themself ‘what a pathetic person, can’t even afford a coffee!’

Y does not look ‘rich’ enough, looks ‘poor’ =
Constant judgement from friends (if you have such) and family, and strangers who look down on you because of your appearance.

Y: sorry I can’t afford a day out with you
O thinks to themself ‘gosh, what […]

Distracting myself until I die is the only thing I can think of doing…

https://www.lhlic.com/consumer-resources/green-burial/

https://www.buzzfeed.com/sallytamarkin/things-you-can-do-with-your-body-after-you-die