General

I really think I wanted to be a human. I wanted to feel like I was treated like another human being. Like I wasn’t so special, different, strange, weird or out of the ordinary. Not exactly to fit in, but be in the middle if that makes any sense. But, I’m honestly too tired at this point to try and get better. I have been trying. I was trying just last night. But really, I think this will just do me good. This loop has been going on forever and never seems to even want to end. So much hope is promised to me by […]

I have all the things I’m going to use. I know when I’m going to use it and how.
I really don’t want a funeral or a cremation. I don’t really even understand the concept of them. But, I think that’s really my personal perspective. I’m never really sad at a funeral. I’m never sure if the people around me are actually crying because they are really grieving the person who died’s death or if they are just crying so everyone around them doesn’t think they are an insensitive asshole. I think I just envy them. I also think that death is a part of […]

Hello again. This isnt really a vent post or anything sad, I just wanted to clear my head a little bit. For the past few days, maybe even the past week. I’ve been reading the Bible quite a lot. And yesterday I went through every single one of my posts on this website lol, reading all of them took more than 2 hours.

I guess I should say thank you to everyone that has helped me here, especially System (I dont know what happened to them but I hope theyre doing well), and HeartlessViking. I want to say that my life is getting better, and I […]

I was making myself some PB&J and suddenly a sob escaped my throat, and it was then I realized that I was not nearly as okay as I am trying to appear with the situation vis a vis job loss. I feel betrayed, and the part of me that doesn’t want to trust anyone feels vindicated.

See, I don’t fit, or more accurately I rarely somewhat fit. I did it working for the gas company, and I did it working for the hospital, neither of those jobs exist anymore. I came as close to fitting as I ever will in undergrad, and that was just a […]

Just tired. It feels good to be back. To baseline. To be sad and miserable. It feels good. My parents are giving me a hard time again. It feels natural. Calling me ungrateful and spoiled. It feels right. To be back here. To be low again. It’s my baseline. I’m going to be miserable and that’s just that. I’m crying again. Silently. I feel like I learned to do that when I was a kid and knowing that crying would piss my mom off. I think. Maybe that’s […]

Life is quite hard and annoying. I wish it was easier and more fun. I wish things were like in a movie/ dream where everything flows and it’s amazing and exciting all the time. What a ride would that be

It sounds strange I guess, but I want to cry. But I can’t. Don’t know why. I feel like sh¡t and I feel like its eating me alive inside. I cant take this. I don’t even think I can eat, which should be fine. I wish I could’ve stayed home today. I don’t ever want to get out of bed again.

I can’t find anything to live for. Or anyone. I’m so lonely. I can’t talk to anyone. I don’t want to bother anyone, but I don’t like this either.

I know I’m being stupid. There’s nowhere for me to go right now. So I’m just rambling […]

Right, so backstory; I’ve been working as an electrical apprentice for about three and a half months. I’m on my second project, which involves working overnight in a Walmart, a sort of super department store we’ve got around here. Everyone who works there hates it, it is a massive pit of misery. I had been told I wouldn’t be required to work overtime or weekends, and here I am doing both….  so going in I probably wasn’t in the best mindset.

Third day on the project, third night up straight. I got decent sleep, was able to focus enough to play my favorite game Satisfactory, and […]

I was diagnosed about last Wednesday. I don’t even really know what to say to be honest. Except that I missed just being depressed. I got a scholarship to my first choice graduate school. Full ride. I was cautious about it. I was sure I would mess it up and end up having to pay the tuition. Then I went to Boston. It was great. Getting to see all the robotics company and a new city. Getting to meet people that had my same interest and that I could find that I could talk to. […]

So my **** mother wants to spread everyone’s fucking business around, read through everyone’s personal shit, stick her fucking nose up everyone’s ass so she feels like her life is so fucking interesting. Lord knows she always fucking told me how much she treats others the way she wants to be treated, I’m more than happy to oblige and do the same for her.

The woman who gave birth to me molested me for years under the guise of “checking me for ringworm”. I don’t know everything, but I’m pretty fucking sure, you can’t feel ringworm inside the v*g. I’m pretty sure the ***** didn’t need […]

Behind those beautiful eyes

lies secrets

more deeper and darker

than the mysterious sea.

Behind that alluring smile

lies pain that you cant see.

But sometimes honesty is out of control

And so in the midst of dark,

there illuminates a magnificent soul .

All life exists for a period of time. So all life will die after who knows how much time. Will all life result in death with no exception? What if with the help of technology in the future we will live much longer. What if we could/will live in virtual worlds for very long amounts of time? Or maybe cyborgs will also be an option.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a guilty conscience – guilt is focused on the impact your actions have on others, and I can never know that. It’s probably more like shame. Although shame is usually centred around what others think of you, and apart from a couple of ex-therapists, no one knows.

The reality of it is, I have to look myself in the mirror every day, and know the things I’ve done (and the things a large part of me still wants to do.) And somehow live with myself. And I don’t know how to do that. Because my self-image feels unbearable to face up […]

today was really hard.

im on the midnight train to georgia