General

And discovery is the mouth of a cave, draped in vines, deep in the forest, untouched by anyone else.  I miss this feeling – roaming aimlessly with a nervousness – and the abyss of feeling lost – You always win something. You always find something gorgeous.  The evergreen moss, the massive jaws drooling in the pouring rain. A chamber that breathes and echoes – a sweet reverberation – a hive you want to fill with candlelight and a dark red wine.
Still, it would feel empty – this imaginary place. Wood rots, and enriches the soil, but cannot wholly thrive beyond that. But the sky […]

The voices. I listened to them for 3 years. Every day I listened to them tell me how worthless I was, how I didn’t deserve a loving family, that I was stupid and would be better off dead. Then one day, the voices stopped. I haven’t heard them in nearly a year, until last week.
In the past year of peace and quiet, my wife and I have redeveloped our relationship and we actually act like husband and wife instead of roommates or business partners. My daughter adores me again and my son actually acknowledges my existence. I’ve got a good job, comfortable home, good […]

Your eating disorder breaks my soul. < / 3
you deserve all the love for yourself in the universe. I like that someone complimented you. One of those sun peaks through the clouds moments that feels nice for a second.
Your sister was a little insensitive, and I’m sorry you cried like that. I’m sorry those negative thoughts possessed you enough to harm yourself in those ways, the corset and the rest… It’s okay to be imperfect, nobody’s perfect, I wish you could feel that, more than anything.

Also, you are very smart. Your witty intuition and beautiful words in your entries came […]

I don’t know why my brain suddenly cleared up today…I have to write this down.

I’ve always believed that mental illness can be cured by itself, and if it doesn’t, it’s because I deserve it as a punishment, but this time it’s really not going to work. If my speaking, writing, and thinking skills are two woodsheds, an episode is an earthquake plus tsunami. I’ve done…everything, to myself, for myself. I said that I deserved it, I’ll just die of illness, and many other things that I couldn’t understand now that my mind is clear… But the time for suicide has passed, and now […]

I feel sad because there’s a part of me that’s missing. I used to be a certain way and now I’m not due to how much I let the world shut me down. I’m definitely exaggerating when I say the world but I’m really talking about the people who were in my immediate family and inner circles. I mean I guess there’s times to be serious and so I suppose I was wrong to be such a clown at those times but throughout the years I let my father beat out my inner clown. I used to just wanna laugh all the time even if […]

I know I’m a bit fixated on death, probably always have been and always will. My first encounter with it was at age five, my great aunt who I loved more than my mother at the time passed away, ovarian cancer. I was devestated.

At age 12-14 I watched my grandma waste away from Lou Gehrig’s disease. In the words from one of my favorite films, Pet Sematary, “sometimes dead is better.” She was utterly miserable by the end. She was also a big enthusiast on the whole living thing; cooked healthy, gardened, worked out regularly, took care of others right up to the end. I’ve […]

sorry about all the shitposting lately. things have never been this bad.

ordered my “suicide kit” on ebay. By that I mean poison. Last night I stumbled on a news story about a suicide, and the dumbass newspaper reporter told exactly what the poison was. and the dose. It’s not a controlled substance because it has a common harmless use, but if you eat it… glory days. Sure enough I found the stuff on ebay for $4, and it’s 4x the amount the person took. So for $1 i may have bought my ticket out of here. We’ll see in about a week. I should’ve sprung […]

I’m so tired of how much agony goes into being yourself. I don’t know what to do anymore… my soul wants to be unapologetically myself, but my heart just wants to give up, drink alcohol and let myself decay…

see my last post, idk if its’t the fucking meds that scrambled my brains or if it’s the universe choking the air out of my lungs but i cant fucking breathe. all this motherfucking pain. squeezing the life out of me like a tube of fucking toothpaste and the cap is the top of my head. watch it spew.

my story is nothing new. in fact you dont need to read another word. just log it in your head as another fucked up wasted life. log it in your head as another worthless asshole who tried and tried. if youre the literary type, read The death […]

Been a long time since I posted here. I wish I could say it was because things were going okay, but that is not the case. One person can only handle so much. Thing don’t always get better, but they can always get worse. That’s where I have been and that’s where I am at… a continuous downward cycle of abuse, disrespect and bullying. That’s been my life. Too many bad choices and surrounded by cruel people. Living with my poor choices is not easy. There should be forgiveness for mistakes and there is none. Just the wicked never rest or walk away. I have […]

It makes truly a difference to know what is happening to you.

Lots of literature and videos about such a theme

This video is very helpful in understanding the process of going through emptiness:

If we could talk again…

I’d tell you how much I enjoyed your company on our daily rides. I’d make the robot noises you enjoyed so much…I’d revel in your laugh, bathe in the joy you radiated as you howled with laughter as I pretended to be a …. how did you say it – “wobot?” I’d bring you snacks, and watch as you scrambled to hide them, so your staff wouldn’t find them, planning to feast on them once you were alone. I’d take your frail hand and arm and guide you down out of the bus, and walk you to your front door, and […]

My soul is howling
My soul is crying in the night
Nobody can hear it
The pain is cosmological
Nobody can bear it
They don’t give a shit
My mind is tormented
I can’t understand this world
Matter is crazy, consciousness is fucked
How and why did they join together
If there’s no logic to be found in this act
It’s bad if people don’t get to understand this
Cause this ignorance makes them slaves contempt in their prisons
Never wanting to be free
Is it better to be dead
Then why live in misery

My therapist told me statistics show you can become way more happy if you do that every day.
My day today was pretty shitty but I will try.
(It is really a hard question today)
1.) Cup of coffee isn’t instant and tastes delicious
2.) my twin reconnected with me after a few months of nothing
3.) my socks are done in the dryer all FLUFF

my best friend is mad at me and i couldn’t defend myself. all my other friends told me she’s selfish and using me for school and stuff, i really know and noticed that , but i always look to the bright side, she brought me to life, i actually like her and probably im in love with her, im confused i thought that i lost those love feelings and we’re besties now, but as soon as this happen i knew more that i couldn’t, everything reminds me of her, i don’t know what to do , it is killing me, im stuck and can’t stop […]

I am in a very bad place mentally, so indescribable and confusing I don’t think I could ever explain it to anyone. It stripped me out of fluent sentences or logic, and my thoughts get cut off midway when I try to record them down. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg, the iceberg I can’t write out, I can’t remember clearly either.

yesterday I completely lost my mind and could not go about a second without being completely drowned by thoughts or triggering memories. So I set a rule to not write or draw or make a single noise, and not cry or breath […]

i don’t know , why im feeling low … i think i’m going to bit by bit to hell

When life is out of hand.
I don’t know what to do, so I cry.
My tears to sleep, my heart to beat.
My phone becomes a tool to alleviate my woes. It has all the answers, mostly. The only thing I can control. When I’m sick, I google, and keep it to myself. When I’m sad, I ask my phone “why am I sad?”, I get the answer. Is it depression or anxiety? Both. But I keep it to myself. Self diagnosing, but I know deep down it’s true. But when there are no answers. And I don’t know what to do. […]

I only have one dog left and he has cancer. After he’s gone I’m ready to set sail out of this world….finally.  Sadly he’s not enjoying his last days and neither am I.

All I know is it has never been this bad. I’ve had thoughts of suicide for years but not like this. Not groaning on the fucking floor in agony wondering how deep I can jab sharp objects into myself. Or how many times. And i try to remember what changed in the last year. Literally nothing except last year they put me on meds. The shit fucked me up almost immediately so I took myself off it after 2 weeks. But my fucking brain is porridge. What am I supposed to do, go back to the doc so they can experiment with something else? We’re […]