General

I’ve tried writing here for a really long while. Probably made like 10 accounts with passwords I forgot. Have like 12 posts in drafts, always uncertain of what to post. But there is one thing. Recently I’ve daydreamed about what it would be like to get head-pats from someone, telling me I’m doing good and trying my best. That they’re proud of me. A dream that always brings me to tears. Kinda can’t help myself from crying. I just do. The tears trickle down cuz there’s too much. Pretty stupid how much just a single dream makes me cry and lose my shit now. Panic […]

Immediately as I title this, it comes to me that I belong here more than anywhere else. that is to say, I feel better loved and understood here than anywhere else. It may be just my desire, but that feeling is real.

I don’t belong, in general. I didn’t belong in high school, and over many jobs in my adult life, belonging is something rare. The places I belonged are gone, possibly forever. Those jobs, those communities are dead. Some of the people are dead too.

Anyway, one of my mentors posted a thing about my generation, and why we don’t click with church. I wrote a […]

10 days before I have to decide. 10 days. I’m scared. So god damn scared. Don’t know what’s up or what’s down. Just don’t know hot to cope. I’m just no good. Plain and simple. Tomorrow I’m going to ask the prof what she thinks. To ask her if I’m good enough. I think right now she’s upset with the progress of the project. I don’t think she is happy. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I want someone to tell me I’m no good. Straight up. When I ask my […]

and this second one reminds me of my mother. I know that even if I’m only in my twenties, she’s elderly. She’s struggling to make it. We had a sit down talk a few months back about how one day she’ll pass away, what her arrangements were etc… I think she wants me to feel ready. When my dad died, I wasn’t. At all. But I listen to this second song to accept that day in a sense. I struggle so badly with mourning and loss. This one is a calm prayer for all of it….

My friend is right but the worst part is I thought it before she said it. I get you probably aren’t doing it on purpose but that doesn’t change the fact you are. It doesn’t matter what I do, the only way “we” are going to work is clearly if I follow every little fucking thing that you want. I’m done.

I’m going to go back to smoking up

I’m going to go back to drinking

I’m going to go back to cutting

Whether or not I take my meds is up to me

I’m going to talk to any guy I want

I better be dying if they’re taking me […]

i want someone to at least care for me, i just want a new big brother that doesn’t abuse me. i just want to be loved not romantically and i just want to be hugged.

i suppose thats too much to ask for..

i hope once i die, i can retrieve all i wanted in this life.

I haven’t had bad tendencies or attempted suicide since i was 18 in high school. Now I am 23 and each month the thoughts and urges todo so have steadily grown. Really when my womanly time hits is when it hits an all time high. I have goals in my life and some day i want children. If these feelings keep growing, theres no telling if ill make it to those happy times. I don’t want to go back on medication but that seems like my only option. Nobody understands me and when they say to express myself (tell all my feelings) they look as […]

The toll booth, the hometown that has never been masked, the person who refuses to save my life. Illusion, huge, bulging self-esteem, submerged inferiority complex. I thought I could finally draw all the hearts, but my fingers led me nowhere. You’re lying on a knitted car seat cover at the end of June, beige thread rubbing against your tender thighs, isolated from sex since childhood, and raped you all over again. How clean is the hymen? The hazy eyes of a nineteenth-century girl when she was about to marry, just want to tear the paper, drown, drown you, burn you, why did you only want […]

Success isn’t everything, you can’t be happy if you don’t have your freedom.
I could have done so much more to be successful but the cage I would have put myself in to get there would only make me miserable. I did what I had to, because if I didn’t, I can’t imagine I would have made it this far.

For me worse, way worse.

It makes you wonder, if you could go back in time to when you first became suicidal, what could you honestly say to your younger self?

The truth?

“Hey kid, it gets worse. A lot worse. So if you kill yourself now, you’ll be saving us both a lot of pain.”