General

Well I can’t believe it has come to this again. I have told myself that wouldn’t ever kill myself because I have to live for my brothers. Even if that means I continue to suffer, I decided that i’d live for them. But lately the way shit has been my mindset is beginning to change. I broke down in tears on my way home today because I suddenly realized that “holy shit! My time might actually be coming. Sooner rather than later.” A bullet through the head sounds so fucking good right now and it seems all I need is one more fucked up thing […]

Trying to get my feet back under me. Really, trying. Met the new therapist earlier in the week… didn’t even think about that saying all that, telling my story would open all of those wounds. Didn’t worry about the damage, I was floating, and now I’m not.

Every time I try to express confidence, it feels like I’m lying. Like everyone can see me lying, and they just love to see me dig my own hole.

I’m working on this stupid project, trying to wrap my head around some complex math, and that feels like a lie too.

My new therapist said “it sounds like you’ve been kicked […]

laying here staring at the same ceiling for years now.
each time ending up in the same place emotionally.
lost and confused of where my life is going or where I want to go.
I can still feel it all of it. all the unwanted touches, traumatic experience, haunting words play in my head like a fever dream.
swiftly I start to forget the forgetfulness stemming from not having the courage of an appetite.
I would just like all of them people that hurt me in a room just to scream out and attack the anger I feel that I cannot express. The anger of […]

I’m tired.
I was always tired but he just shoved me at the end.
I’m drained, all the good I use to see is gone.
People are cruel I know, but really acknowledging it is different.
He roams around around with all my secrets & has no care to share. Even those that only I know
I should have known better, I know better.
And those who should be on my side are calling dramatic. I can be dramatic but this is outrage.
How can those close be friends with this person?
Knowing what they know of what he did to me?
And thinking it’s […]

It doesn’t matter how many times they say “you’re not bothering me” if they’re doing something else no matter how unimportant you know that task is, it’s more important then you. It doesn’t matter if you have a blade to your arm or a gun to your head, everything is more important then you. “ok then I won’t bother you” I’ll deal with it myself….. Somehow

I haven’t been on this site for a while. It’s always been a lot people younger than me. I’m 46 and I’ve stuck it out even though I’ve had suicidal ideation since I was 16. I’m 46 now and I’m pretty confident this is my end.

I have been being treated for bipolar disorder on and off for a decade. None of the meds ever worked. At all. Now I know it’s because I have borderline personality disorder and not bipolar. It’s a little too late. I have already lost everything. I used to practice medicine. Btw, I grew up dirt poor and had horrible abusive […]

you want to support them. you want to tell them “thats totally awesome” “i hope you have fun” “i know you can do it” but while you say it, you push away the tears. you push down the pain raising in your chest. you want to support them but all you see is them away from you. supporting, feels a lot like pushing away, and you dont want to push them away, but you dont want to not support them either. so you hide what youre feeling, knowing supporting them, even if it means pushing them away, is whats best. you love them […]

Its been a little over 2 years since i have been here, i met a amazing girl i made many steps forward. But here i am again after she broke up with me for liking another guy more, out of the blue didn’t see anything coming.
I guess im not good enough again…

Such a harsh world we live in. I’ve given myself a one-year ultimatum. If nothing changes for the better then I guess, it would be the end for me.  However I don’t think I can manage to make it by the end of 2022. It’s just the 2nd month & I feel like saying goodbye to this world. I want to go. I really want to. I want to go home. I’ve been here long enough.

i just want to sleep and never wake up. or just runaway from everyone i know and start fresh. there’s no in between.

I cant breathe. My lungs work just fine but there doesnt seem to be enough oxygen to fill them, my chest is not big enough to hold enough air to fill this black hole pulling me in.
I wonder why im back at this point. The last two weeks or so ive been doing great, havent cut in nearly a month now. Perhaps thatll change tonight. Perhaps i wont be strong this time. That thought crosses my mind every day, several times a day. Maybe its time to give in

I am very tired. I slept for a long time. But I’m still tired. Being asleep is nice, but now my anxieties are creeping in now too. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know anything. I’m so very alone. What am I even doing honestly? Where are we? Hate this so much. Hate everything.

“I feel hurt because….” but you know you’re the one with the problem so you brush it off. “it’s nothing important” You keep telling yourself it’s not important, allowing them to continue the behaviour that made you feel hurt. Causing you to feel more and more abandoned. But it’s your own fault. You fall farther and farther. Feeling more and more alone. Feeling less and less important. But what can you do, when you know you’re the problem.

I think that this year might be the end. If nothing changes this year or the next I’m pretty determined to die.

The pain is deep,

The pain is real,

Sometimes I wish you knew how I felt,

They give me medicine to make me change,

But anothor anti-depressant wont make me sane,

You say take your medicine,

Yet I still feel the same,

Great Ive given myself anothor black eye,

My only regret is youll suffer but why,

The punching myself eased the pain,

The chord around my neck makes it so real,

That a matter of life is just seconds away from finally ending and taking this pain.

Its Go away,

But baby I really want you to stay,

Its tell me you love me a thousand times,

But then I hate you so never mind ,

Its leave,

But come right back,

Its he can have you,

But your my girlfriend,

Its a twister of thoughts that make no sense,

But they seem so real,

‘Its a roller coaster of emotions that never ends,

Its one more suicide attempt to end this pain,

But all I really want is for you to stop me,

You think its a game,

But to me its my life.

Mm, gotta laugh at myself for this – I wanna go get my hemp rope, not to end it,although I do want to die. Just to cut off the blood flow for a bit.

Funny part is I just cleaned and I don’t want to get rope litterings in the house.

Seems I need another rope, nylon or cotton lol

7 years since I was last here.. I think. I’ve traveled. I’ve gotten married. I almost had a baby. Things kind of fell apart and now they’re on the upswing. Life is good.

So why am I home alone writing a note and trying to figure out how to avoid a mess? I’m not scared this time. I’ve just cracked again.  Avoidance doesn’t work when it comes to suicide. It just gives you more time to build new relationships and add to the guilt of hurting more people.

I’m procrastinating. I wonder if there’s anything after this?