General

I’m not ever sorry if you found me out here. If anything, it’s proof you didn’t keep to your words. You lied about finding out too then. I don’t like you checking in on me. I don’t like being confronted for my venting. And social media was very terrible for us that I would still refuse to understand why it matters to you. Being blocked is like us having broken up? Almost as if you were not searching for me the first place.

All these while did not exist I guess. I had never done anything for you. I had never compromised, I had never been […]

I’m recovering emotionally, but never have I felt more psychotic. Things I say and think don’t make sense and don’t line up, there’s a white blur constantly occupying my skull, my vision is decreasing quickly, the sudden sensations i get while thinking about certain topics…they’re not headaches, I can’t even feel them that surely, but they hurt and my reaction to them are that of a crazy person. I can’t see a single future out there where I can go back to normality, I’m destroying everyone’s lives, I’m a walking plague. How do you deal with the fact that everything you do is wrong? Wrong? […]

It’s ya boy, Thanatos. I thought I’d give an update for anyone interested. I’ve also posted before as Ignorance Will Prevail.

I’m currently in the process of finding a new place to live and I’m considering moving west to Madison where I can participate at the homeless veteran’s center and I where I have a job lined up.

I’ve gained an interest in an academic field, Systems Engineering.  I don’t really think I’m smart enough to complete a degree in the field, but it is interesting. I was considering the concept of AI and the Greek Logos, which stands for reason and is often represented by water. […]

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I’ve mostly been in my childhood home, stuck. Stuck in the place where a million bad things happened.  Where I learned not to trust the people I still live with.  That I am nothing.  Assaulted and beaten, I’m unworthy of love and will never find safety.  I can feel how much being here makes me emotionally repressed.  I cannot leave because earn money.  I am disabled and can’t take care of myself.  I can’t go anywhere else, stay with others because I’m a shit person others eventually hate.  I don’t want to die, I just don’t want […]

Can it be enough to live for others?

I do not even want to write about everything that went wrong with my life or how I feel about it. I have been suicidal since 2017. March 2017 was my first failed attempt, followed by denial, self harm and awful depression episodes. I never stopped thinking about since then. Therapy did not help, medication either. My life changed since then, good and bad stuff happened but nothing really made me think oh well this is worth it maybe. I feel like I’m going to pass out from the anger and frustration when people tell me the usual stuff like “it gets better”, “it’ll pass”. […]

I don’t even have the motivation to write anymore. It used to be that I love writing, and I am always depressed in my fucking head, so why not put those feelings into words. But everyday that I come home and think I should write something I just don’t feel like it. I’m so fucking unproductive and I waste my days. It’s a shame I no longer feel like killing myself because these days I absolutely have that option. Some days when i’m bored i’ll point my gun at my head, look myself in the mirror and just think “imagine.”

I want to get […]

This is it. This is the hardest one yet. Last semester. Senior Project. Project Manager. New Job as a TA. It’s barely the second week and I feel like I’m limping already. I can feel the pressure in my head build up. Can’t find the right valve to turn to release it. Bit by bit by bit by bit I can feel it welling up. Right half of the brain. Don’t know how I’m going to make it. I knew it would come. I knew it would be painful and hard. […]

a disease is “a deviation from the normal functional state”

We just accept that being alive is the normal functional state. But if you look at the universe beyond our myopic little selfish bubble, the normal functional state of the universe is a limitless expanse of nothing but rocks and lifeless particles. So the eruption of life, organic chaos, on the surface of one of these rocks is like an infection in the universe. Life is the fucking disease. Suicide is the cure. Maybe then the universe can finally brush us off like the pests we are.

I want to put a bullet through my head. I fucking hate living. There’s no point in trying to better my life. I don’t give a fuck how much I drown myself in it as long as I’m drowning.

Where is your heart,

 When it is not with me.

my brain is falling apart

i’m very nervous to meet my new roommate

my problems are burying me so i drown them

even though my mental illnesses are in my face like a clown (kinda hard to miss), im in denial about it. i cant deal with my emotions. if i try they attack me. it feels like theres way too much. my friend’s right….im drowning myself in it.
its Saturday and guess what i am? yep drunk and high. the stupid funny thing is…… we talked about that while i was still sober. i even thought about it then. im going to drink later, maybe i should try and not drink tonight. but nope, i didnt even try. hell […]

Winning streak

I’ve not been like super depressed for almost 2 months now and it’s honestly great! Ever since December 1st of 2021 i’ve been on a winning streak when it comes to my mental health. It all started with a crush i developed and ever since then it’s like it jump started something in my brain that made me feel more happy than i’ve been in a long time!

I started picking up the pace on things i’ve been apathetic towards because of my heavy depression. I started song writing again, signed up for a new college course and i’m hunting for a new job aswell!

It […]