General

Alone

Ever since i was a child i’ve always felt alone in this world. As a child my home/family situation has set the tone for my neural development. Out of all the typical domestic troubles such as physical and emotion abuse, to an overall unstable living environment filled with family drama…my depression started to manifest.

Ever since i was 6 i could remember feeling alone, sad and not having anyone to talk about how i’m feeling. Often i had to entertain myself. Whenever i watched other kids interacting with their father and mother (or other family members) having fun and i often wondered why it made me […]

It feels strange. Being ready. Ready to do it. It’s strange because I feel calmer. Because I know that whatever is going to happen in the future won’t matter…because I won’t be here, I won’t be there to see it, to feel it, to experience it. I won’t be there. So it’s nice. It’s calm. Because the time I’m dreading won’t come, I choose for it not to come.

I feel bad though. I do. For my grandma. She always talks about how she wants to die because it’s so hard for her, and I know that out of anyone she is the one that really […]

Ive been on this medication for a little bit now. (I should see if i can find out how long and update this). I think somewheres between half a year and a year? Or maybe im just coming up on half a year? Has it really been that long?

Well to start with i should probably tell you how living without my medication is. Its torturous, plain and simple. Absolute fucking hell.

On my medication? I love it! Its so much easier to handle things and i have episodes a lot less.

But like all good things theres a catch…

I dont feel any better. I just feel like […]

things are finally getting a little better, I’m still struggling and a lot of things still suck but i think I’m making an improvement.
i started cutting again but im trying to stop. I’ve started meds and I’m starting therapy soon. I’m really scared for it but it’ll help.

I’ve posted about this guy a few times before. i have been crushing on him for so long and we are finally a thing. i have wanted him to like me back for so long and now he does. its going so amazing so far, i really hope i don’t screw up

I have a general hatred and disdain for the human species. First, we ruin the planet. And second, most people are evil, shitty, selfish, manipulative, opportunistic, liars, users, etc. Sure, there are a small number of good people, but overall, most humans are shitty. And somehow during my whole life I seem to encounter the bad ones and very few good ones. Of course my viewpoint is biased toward my own life experiences (but isn’t that the case for all of our viewpoints/thoughts/beliefs)?

The ones who’ve had nice childhoods, good family, little to no adversity, pain, or poverty and […]

Since I was a kid, I’ve had SO much fucking suffering, pain and hardship. Now that I’m an adult and middle age, life has only gotten WORSE over time, not better. How I wish I was never born. All this f*ing suffering, for what?

I’m sorry, but “extremely serious” “looking for someone to marry” and “let’s take a walk in the woods”

NOT a good combination.

He’s so dumb sometimes!

extreme cravings day 3

It isn’t a secret; I seem to take myself too seriously. On the other hand that makes much more sense when it is understood that my social ready personality was intended to be biting satire of the culture around me. I got so sarcastic that I started living in the world I had created. Another thing; our species is on average bad at understanding sarcasm, but perhaps more on that later.

20 years ago, if you can believe it, I was a lost and angry 13 year old. I was trying to find a place, and increasingly finding that the spaces for people like me are […]

I’m not sure I really want to be in contact with them, the police asked me for their details (names) so I gave them the names. That was in relation to my dad’s death.

But I’m tired of people, and I just got off the phone with a relative. I’m sure she’s laughing at how much of a failure I am to herself.

I have no reason to contact my family, really. For what? To talk about dad’s death? Well I don’t need to tell them that. It seemed they knew that he had a drinking problem though.

I just want to be left alone 🙁

But I don’t […]

most of the time, i just feel like i’m trapped in some sort of abyss, a limbo, where nothing seems to happen and the emptiness is oppressive. but then, when things happen, they happen all at once and it’s just so much it’s overwhelming.

i need more balance. this is one of those much harder problems it seems. my brain does just one weird insignificant thing and then it confuses me so much that once i actually figure out how to deconstruct it, everything makes sense all over again and i have too much motivation and too many ideas for how to move forward.

stupid brain.

https://youtu.be/koBi1GB0Txc

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do […]

I need relationship advice or I will lose her. It is that simple and complicated at the same time. A lot of my faults have to do with my previous experiences. Experiences that have to do with suicide by others and my own desires in the past as well. I have never made it 100% past those wants or desires………but I can manage those and would not consider myself suicidal at this point nor have I been for a while now.

I lost the summer to ruminations. Why did I stick around for bad people? It was so hard pushing myself forward, but I finally took a step. It feels so much better having that control back.

i feel like a liar. im pretending to be ok but im not. nothing is ok. i moved out and live with my significant other. things have only gotten worse. i feel so alone. i still want to kill myself and i feel trapped in my relationship, my home, my job, everything. i just want to die. i am tired of trying. i dont give a fuck about the world and do not care about seeing it or meeting new people. i want to cut myself so badly until i bleed to death. im such a piece of shit. i dont even make sense. and […]

https://www.forbes.com/sites/alisonescalante/2020/08/11/researchers-doubt-that-certain-mental-disorders-are-disorders-at-all/?sh=1f2e987015a6

Through a rather complicated event, I realized I’ve lost all empathy and feelings of guilt, i don’t know, for the recent few days at least. I don’t know if I’ve been saying sorry for show or not. I’ll go back to normal, probably. I’m okay, I’m not sure about the rest of the family, but, I know I don’t care. How disgusting of a thought. No one should stay happy and normal for such a long time, it’s just not possible, neither do they deserve it. Three days before I turned __, I remember trying to get supplies to kill myself, then 15, tried to […]

I chose this. Mostly unconsciously; I never imagined I’d end up here. But if I’d made different decisions, it seems plausible I could’ve lived a decent life. Not spectacular, but good; meaningful. And instead I chose the myriad of errors that led me here; utterly alone, pathetically desperate, gazing on as others live out what I robbed myself of.

I might question how a younger me came to be so morally bankrupt; to make such terrible choices. Clearly circumstance and innate vulnerabilities played a role. But I don’t think I was destined to be this; I wasn’t born a monster. I made myself into one, choice […]