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I’m going to be 36 in a few days. Maybe I should jam a fucking knife in my chest for a fucking gift.
Useless useless useless I’ve got no job haven’t had one for a year and a half almost and the girl I loved SO MUCH the girl I thought loved ME OH you should hear how she speaks to me, like I’m a moron like cause I don’t have a job automatically I lost all the gifts I had that were a part of me and made me worthwhile I’m scared to work again but I’m scared of staying this way, what does […]
i like seeing the cuts on my body
im not gonna go indepth but i just dont see a reason
I think in a very short period of time I will be dead from abusing alcohol for the past 5 years. I’m scared to die.
I’m so sick of being me. But I don’t know how to stop.
It is very difficult to express the way I feel on a daily basis. Today, I was supposed to study for my finals but i didn’t. Thoughts kept running through my mind, and I imagined a whole conversation with a psychiatrist and kept talking to him for 3 hours. It felt like I was in a bubble, it felt so real. I’ve always been like this, since I do not have close friends, there’s no one to share my thoughts with, so I imagine people in my mind. Oh lord loneliness has become my home. I feel very awkward when engaging in a real conversation […]
Only not yet but sometime in the future, most probably after my parents have passed.
Silly pop culture reference to take inspiration from but my living condition now is a lot sillier, and not even in a dark humored way like in the movies. Anything’s an improvement really. More solemn inspiration, I read somewhere about early christian monastics from 2nd or 3rd century who went so crazy for Jesus as to wander off into the desert and remain there as way of taming the flesh before […]
if I hate myself before they do, then they won’t have to
I wont have to hear it from them, but I can read their mind, everyday, them talking through my head: “you’re such a piece of shit, hopefully I won’t ever have to deal with you again”
You can’t really have both at once. When you are depressed nothing matters to you and everything is pointless. When you are anxious everything matters and it’s all so big and important. Yesterday wasn’t so bad at work. In the morning I felt horrible anxious and I felt like talking to anyone was this big ordeal. Whenever the managers were talking and saying “Well he saw this” or “He said such and such” and pointed at me when talking about the results I found from the task they asked me to do, I felt awful. I thought “why is […]
I just told my girlfriend it feels like she wished I would just stop existing
She said “yeah I kinda do”
Doesn’t get much more clear than this. My dad has told me the same thing before. I’m sure most others feel this way, if the closest people in my life wish I wasn’t around. With billions of people on the planet, maybe some aren’t meant for connection. Just as there’s always an exception, maybe I’m just the perfect recipe for something that no one wants.
I don’t know. Can anyone help me make sense
Have you ever been in love?
I am almost 30 now and I have fallen in love with 3 women through my life, none of whom loved me back. Why would they? I am an empty shell of man with no real personality to speak of. I live my life in a sort of emotional stasis unable to truly connect with others in this world that feels more like a dream to me than an actual reality.
Soon I will leave a job I’ve worked at for years and no one there will miss me or care that I’ve gone at all for I was […]
(Song)
(other than death)
Absent minded
Today i actually had a pretty awesome day! Me and my best friend went to a local community center which caters to those who enjoy making music. We played guitar, piano, drums, and sang karaoke on stage. We even ate this delicious party rice they ordered in, and i must say that it was the most fun i’ve had in awhile
But in the midst of having all this fun i noticed myself becoming absent minded and i started feeling depressed. I suddenly had all these negative thoughts in my head such as: ”they probably don’t like me and think im weird” …”my singing on […]
I don’t want to die enough to do it impulsively. Maybe I never will. My inhibitions are simply too strong. I think the only way I’d get there is if I can convince myself fully that it’s the best choice, then slowly but consistently build up to the act itself.
But it’s hard to know how to find that kind of conviction. In terms of consequences, I believe it would devastate my family, especially my mother (she’s way too invested in my wellbeing.) It’s hard to see how they’d get over it. They definitely don’t deserve to go through that. And obviously the impact of death […]
‘do not drink with alcohol! ‘
Some times on the weekends, when I’m drinking, I’ll have an energy drink.
The way I’m doing it, the chances of anything happening is slim. But maybe one night, I’ll have one drink too many.
Drinking accident vs suicide *shurgs shoulders* I can’t see much of a difference. I probably wouldn’t even be drinking (or at least as much as I do) if I wasn’t suicidal.
I’ve read a lot. People just sharing their stories, stories I’ve gone searching for. Everything I’ve read has 1 thing in common. They’re barely, and in most cases not even aware that they’re dying. Unconsciousness is bliss.
This emptiness been weighing down lately… No feelings, nothingness filling through the mind body & soul. Contemplating has no effect. People you know wouldn’t try to understand.. but rather would be quick to judge. My intuition is quite sharp to notice. Even the slightest difference in people body language, looks or the way they talk.. I’ve always known but stupidly tried to do something different.. guess my demon’s are pulling me back. To that dark place.. went through every type of emotions you can speak of.. I’m quite paranoid anyways even when I know I’m right.. lol guess I took the listening to the heart. […]
Its been years since I’ve been on this site. I was too much of a coward to go through with actually killing my self back then. Over the past few years my life got better and the suicidal thoughts subsided for a while. Now My life is collapsing around me once again and once again it is all my fault. I have failed at everything meaningful in life but I’m still to afraid to do what should have been done years ago. It should be so easy to simply pick up that revolver and kill myself but I am so scared of the tiny chance […]
I’m in the middle of an anxiety attack. I have exactly 11 hours and 23 minutes until I need to be at my job. It shouldn’t be this hard for a regular person. It should be fine. But I am broken. I am not well. I’m thinking about trying therapy again. I’ve been in and out of therapy god knows how many times. It doesn’t work. Because I don’t put the work in. I think though if I offer to pay this time, maybe my parents will be more receptive. I don’t want to […]