General

Today is going to be the last day of my life. I’m tired of this place and all the stress im given each day. I just wanna say thank you to my friends who have been there for me. Don’t be mad at yourself. You couldn’t see through my fake smiles, my masks. I doubt any of them will read this. I just can’t take this any longer. The stress of all the shit i have to go through. I don’t want to go through a living hell just to die one day. It doesn’t make sense so. I can’t take it!!

How can I be ok and not all at the same time.

Alright, so i guess this is my story…

I dont really know, where, when or why this started to happen.

Normally, some kind of trauma, disease, or other form of bad thing happened to the people, that i knew were suicidal.

For myself, i can’t really find that really bad thing, that caused everything to go down. I grew up in a house together with my family (father, mother and sister), who made a loving and caring environment. Everything seemed fine, I can still remember single moments of me being in Kindergarten, happy.

Somehow, there were things that, while looking back, were signs of unhappiness, starting with my weight. […]

recovery is making me realize how alone i am

So hello long time no see.

It’s been 1 year and 6 months.

I had been doing fine, actually, I think I almost, just like almost felt happy. Can you believe it? Me neither.

But since I am a complete failure, obviously I would relapse again. I am feeling so much anxiety, the thoughts of suicide are back again, today I hit myself in the face so many times and I just couldn’t believe that I am returning to my old habits, I am losing control of my anger all over again.

I really thought I could win this battle against my mental health, but oh boy was I wrong.

I […]

Misery, I hear you call me
Misery, I am enslaved to you
Misery, can you hear me?
Misery, I’ll be with you for a long while
Misery, it doesn’t matter how, when, where or why.
Misery, give me sweet comfort
Mi
Se
Ry,
I
just
want
to
SLEEP, in your arms.

It has been five long years since I last posted here. Weird to think that I was only 15 back then. Not sure if I should cringe or laugh at my old posts. Even so, I still carry the same fears I had back then. Through the years I’ve experienced a lot. Churned the butter. I might aswell make a quick summary, for those who’s interested.

It didn’t go well after 2015. I developed social anxiety. Like all teenagers at 15, confidence was non-existing. I already knew I wasn’t like everybody else. My personality never seemed to shine through. Middle-school was indeed bad.

High school was […]

…Deep down, beyond all the bullshit?

I’m actually a very warm, soft, intimate person, but the world won’t let me be that person. I forget it sometimes. I could go on but it seems weird self referencing.

So, no one sees who I truly am. No one has ever known who I truly am. No one appreciates me for who I truly am. Maybe it’s because of how the cards were lain. When I was 7 I was taken into a foster home. By the time I got back I had to go to a new school. It’s just there wasn’t enough time for people to grow […]

I was wondering what everyone thinks about assisted suicide, is it possible if you look hard enough that you can find someone who will willingly take your life for you, even for a price? or how about suicide by cops, I have heard of people doing this however I do not and will not hurt anyone to accomplish this, I just can’t do it on my own and can’t muster up enough courage to do it but I do want to leave this place, what are some ways you have heard of people doing this or any ideas you may have that could work.

I have Schizoid PD, Depressive Subtype

Multiple-Complex Developmental Disorder (Autism Spectrum Disorder)

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

possible Korsakoff’s Syndrome, or prefrontal lobe damage/unidentified condition

I think I want to be single….

Ready to kill myself, I have so much pain physical and mental, I am at a point where I have no money and I hate my living situation, however here is what’s holding me back.. I have a little brother who I live with and he is 6, he idolizes me, I am the world to him and as much as I want to end my life I can’t stop thinking about him and how it would destroy his world, I guess what I’m asking is this worth living for or should I just think about myself and hope he understands later in life?

…………..

“Life is not always easy to live but the opportunity to do so is a blessing beyond comprehension.” -Lionel Kendrick

It appears my continued existence basically comes down to fear and attachment. I am more afraid of death than I am of the pain of life, intolerable though that often seems. Or possibly more afraid of what might wait beyond death (comeuppance/karma.) And I am attached to the positive possibilities of this world. To fantasies of being a different person, or memories of who I used to be. To beauty in all it’s forms.

So it would seem to follow that until my fear of this life overwhelms my fear of death, or my attachments sufficiently diminish, I am stuck here.

The sensible response would be to […]

Hi..

So, it’s been a little over 10 years since I was last here. The last thing I would’ve posted would’ve been goodbye on June 30, 2010. That was the day before a failed attempt which put me in a psychiatric hospital for 19 days and a 4 year long recovery until I was able to mentally and emotionally get on my feet and be stable, be able to support myself independently and not be a burden on anyone else. I found a job, later had my own apartment (two actually), left my job, returned to studies and then dropped out just before corona first caused […]

My cousin aka my rapist just got engaged. There are posts all over fb from him and my relatives. I texted him. I congratulated him on the first sentence. Then I told him I still remember everything. He said he was young and stupid. He’s regretting it and everyday he prays to God to forgive him and give the strength to apologize to me. How can I forgive him when he raped me so violently?

I begged and begged but he didn’t listen, he still raped me. I have DID and because of that I got three more alters. How can I just forgive him […]

It rings in my mind over and over again. You’ll never be anything. When I wake up, when I go to bed, every moment of every day. I think I’m starting to think about it more than I think about her. Like the situation with her, for whatever reason, no matter how much I repeat it, saying it still constricts my heart. I feel like I should be numb to it already. That I should be able to tune it out and hear only white noise. That I should accept my own pointlessness. My nothingness. Yet, […]