General

But I probably never will :'(

Ammonia and bleach in an enclosed space, no ventilation. High concentrations of both. Goodbye world.

I’ve had this dog for a year now, and I think he has helped a lot by decreasing how often I am suicidal.

My Dad was very critical when I said I was going to get a dog. He would say things like “Are you sure?” as if I am incapable of caring for another living creature. It was our gotcha day yesterday. Here’s to many more years with him by my side!

I’ve written a few posts about how long I have had my depression.   In my case I define my depression as a  strong feeling that things would be better off without me messing them up and it is best that I just disappear.    The act of disappearing obviously would be my life ending by my own hand either directly or indirectly.

As I have noted,  I was 11 or 12 when I started to consider that as an option.  Well since then it has been a daily thought in one form or another.  A lot of times it is easy for me to dismiss it and […]

Anyone else ever just feel like going full send, write out a long and personal post having the intent to convey something thorough and deep, and then have it veer so completely far off from what you had originally intended that you just scrap it and say fuck it? And in the end it comes down to: Who would relate? Probably no one anyway.

I really wish I could express myself better. Anyone wanna talk?

That’s the second time I’ve asked that in a row. It’s a sign that I’m becoming more suicidal. But no one will notice anyway.

And even if you do respond, I won’t have […]

I’m so disappointed by humanity, death is inevitable, all I’m doing is running away

i want to recover from my disorders. i want to be of completely sound mind when i pull the trigger. satisfied with life.

Maybe you all can help me? I’m looking for ASMR that is a female being disappointed with her significant other. Please tell me where I could even start looking. I think listening to something like that might be better than self harming… I can’t keep getting caught so I need a new release of some sort. I would appreciate any help, thank you.

But is usually the tragic result of untreated psychiatric disorders” so says an independent government report by top experts. I couldn’t agree more, I’ve always had a nervous sensation in my gut telling me my suicide was not in my control, that I would do it someday. The only part of the statement I take exception to is the ” untreated” part concerning psychiatric disorders. These disorders are NOT treatable. Antidepressants, antipsychotic etc turn you into a vegetable, therapy doesn’t work, so suicide is inevitable.

Four years ago, I was depressed to the point I had almost committed suicide twice. Luckily, I was able to pick myself back up once me and my family moved to another country. When we moved, I had decided to push all my feeling away to the back of my mind and to try to forget about my depression. It had worked for a while and was okay for a year. After that, I started to develop anxiety and luckily it was relatively minor compared to how bad my depression was. I lived with my minor anxiety for the last two years and had small […]

I really hate trying to get help from people IRL. There are many reasons, but one of them is when someone tells you they know what you’re feeling, that they too have been suicidal. Okay, I sympathize and now I worry about them, but do they really know? When they say they’ve been suicidal do they mean they have wanted/wished things just to end or have they actually found a means and said their goodbyes? I never feel like they truly understand the magnitude of what I’ve said by telling them I’m suicidal, because even when I’m not suicidal I still wish it to end, […]

I am sad again

Its been a little while since I have been on here. I’ve been having the same struggles. I’m tired of talking about it. Doesn’t matter who I talk to about it, doesn’t matter what they say to me or what I say to them.

This has to end. Enough talk, enough thoughts, enough research. I have highly effective methods. Enough dicking around. I’m either serious or I’m not. I am dead serious. It will be over soon.

These weird habits I have. I can trace them back to where they come from, and where they come from is not the topic of the post.

The topic is “Escape Route”. I’m in the office, bathroom, kitchen…anywhere I can be cornered and I’m always looking for an escape route. Especially if someone is anywhere near me. How fast can I get out of here, where is the exit…is that window unlocked…does that window open?

The things our minds do to protect us. What a remarkable organ. Escape routes. It isn’t just physical, I look for emotional escape routes too. […]

I realize that I constantly keep putting myself in situations where I end up hurt, confused and broken. After weeks of trying to find clarity as to why things ended the way they did.. It hits me. I’m in the same place I promised myself I would never end up again when someone hurts me. Like wtf happened? How did I get here again?

I allowed it. That’s how.

And it infuriates me.

I’ve survived so many traumas in my life. Rape. Abuse. Multiple attempts. You name it, I’ve probably been through it. But the one thing that takes all my will to keep going is […]

I am sorry that you feel so much pain and that I can’t seem to take it away. I am sorry that you tried to be a good person and it never felt like it was enough. I am sorry for not loving you enough or protect you from all the bad things. I am sorry for every cut I made into your beautiful skin, I thought it would help with the pain but I see now that it made no difference. I am sorry that you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and that I am too weak to help carry […]