General

Do I really want to die? Or do I just want a piece of Heaven on Earth? To be in comfort and stress free, to have enough money to take care of those I love and to contribute to others, that they also have peace and prosperity. I have nothing and yet Buddhism expounds nothingness, I don’t want nothingness I want something-ness. My ideals torture my reality.  My fate affected my fortune. What if I kill myself and have the unfortunate luck of having to relive this bane existence over until I accept and fully live out this cruel experience.

Every distressful thought have now given […]

I think this may be one of the most profound things I’ve ever read. It really is you or your memory. I think I’ll try to remember that. Especially since only you live with your memory. It isn’t really a choice at all. On one side you survive. On the other you lose both.

Honestly, is there a point to living. I feel like there is no overall goal and we are just living in hell and I just want to get out and stop at this point.

Are you living or are you only just surviving? What makes them different when both fucks you up?

My son committed suicide 18 years ago next month. The day i buried him is the day i became gone forever. I have been in and out of hospitals due to wanting to die. I feel like i did die as i watched my son get lowered into the ground the day of his funeral. I am just a shell with nothing left on the inside. I have finally began counseling after all these years. As a mother of losing a child to suicide i now suffer from ptsd severe depression and severe anxiety. The dreams i have wake me at night as i see […]

You know how, when you’ve walked beyond your physical endurance and yet somehow you’re managing to put one foot in front of the other, somehow staggering on, unable to focus on more than the next step, certain it’ll be your last. Like a permanent falling forward that never ends?

Is there a word for that but with mental endurance instead of physical?

Because that’s how I’ve been feeling for months. I genuinely don’t know how I’m still here. It feels like I’m constantly falling just never hit the ground

Am I getting worse again? I thought it was finally over. I thought I hit a wall. Sleep was my escape. And even when I had a dream or nightmare it wasn’t the worse thing in the world. But last night…. It played on my worse fear.

A fear I have to keep to myself for the most part because I don’t want others to develop the same fear I have. It eats away at you all day. Making you feel sick and empty inside. Making everything pointless. I just want to wake up and be better 🙁

Someone made the observation that this place is less of a place to get help and more like a journal for their fucked up thoughts, or a repository if you will, for their suicidal thoughts and the accompanying bullshit.

In the spirit of what they said, I’m just going to give short versions of all the thoughts I wanted to post here over the past couple weeks and ask questions to accompany them instead of taking up space with a bunch of separate posts.

So:

It occurs to me that suicide is the result of a complete lack of inspiration. Incidentally the few people I’ve known who actually […]

Lyrics:
I think back to when
Life was good, I was content
But it’s been so many years
I can’t remember how it feels
I reach for me, but I’m not there
It’s so lonely, but who cares
It’s fine, it’s okay
I’ll die anyway
I reach for me, but I’m not there
I always wonder why I’m here
It’s fine, it’s okay
I’ll die anyway
I guess I could say
I’ve learned to live this way
But it’s still hard to find
Reasons to stay alive
Accepting I’m pointless
Isn’t the hardest
When it’s so
Completely obvious
My questions are countless
Looking for answers
So far I’m clueless

I’ve been told that I should meet new people. A lot of people have said that. I don’t really know how to do that though. This is in regards to her not answering again. She never answers. At least it feels that way. I’ve made way too many posts about it. I’m tired of making them. So I’ll focus on the fact that I have no idea how to make new friends. You feel like that’s something a person should have mastered at when they were just a kid. Or at least learned some skills […]

I don’t like coming to this site. I’m ashamed of coming here. If things had gone any different, I’d leave this dilapidated corner of the internet be. I’d like to view this site as part of my past. Ideally, I’d like to view it as an indiscretion. But it’s not. I keep coming back here.

And the reason for that is, simply, I seek an escape. I cannot simply blame my failure, my inability to commit suicide on science… genetics… cowardice… or circumstance.

The truth is the human body is resilient far past the point of logical survival. We’re pushed to the point of illogical survival. And as […]

Abnormal thoughts told me to put a timer on and wait for a while until you self harm. I know that the urge will go away but at the moment it’s still here!

I just hate this!

Im going to see some friends soon and hopefully this will be a good distraction. I also hope that I’m not going to be the downer of the night.

today has been awful
everything that I’ve tried to forget has come back and I can’t turn it off
I’ve haven’t felt like this since the last time
I can’t stand this I just want to be normal
I don’t want to feel like this anymore
I feel so fucking scared
I just want the thoughts to go away
I’m struggling so bad

Lately I’ve taken to drawing a % on my wrist. Just a little reminder that I’m just another statistic.

Im 34 at the time, when I was 15 I experienced my first gastritis episode, fucking makes you misserable, pain is so strong and no mater what you do doesnt go away. Beginning of my misery over the next 19 years been dealing with daily pain, cannot eat or drink most of anything, no faty food, no spicy food, no soft drinks no beer no bread shits just sucks so much eat like a fucking rabbit and still experience always present abdominal and gut pain. Have visited 5 gastroenterologists dont know how many regular doctors, naturists remedies you name it I have tried it. Most […]

Paper skin

The ink is

Sinking in

Paper skin

The void is

Slowly reaching in.

My current reason for wanting death is the only thing keeping me alive. i guess thats its purpose anyway.

All I wanted was a message so I could forget reality again and pretend everything was fine till it really becomes fine.

What a surprise! I’m back.

In fact there’s no surprise at all. I know very well it’s a cycle: life improves I go away from here, life gets worse I get back here. What a shit! Always the same thing!

I’ve seen the protests on TV and it’s beautiful but at the same time I know nothing will change then I see all those people walking up and down the streets for hours searching something they wont have and that makes me sad. The System doesnt change, its you who are changed by it.

I’m tired and I need a break. Holidays far from here! This coronavirus is […]