General

At around 3am this morning I started having a panic attack. Whenever this happens, my boyfriend says I can call him so he can help  me however he can even though he’s 1,000 miles away. This one was going to be bad, I knew it. When he asked me what was wrong, I replied, “Maybe it would be better if I were to kill myself.”
“Why would you do that?” was his reply.
There are times when I really wish I could make him see the world as I see it. Not just to describe my problems the way you would describe the world around […]

The headaches are killing me. The beep in my ears are extremely loud now. I’ve been dizzy all day and they disappear and then reappear all of a sudden in less than a minute. Where is it coming from. Anyone know, is it paranoia. It may be the illuminati because every time I think or write about them. The beeps, the horrible, continuous beep is horrible. Ow, anyone understand, it’s like shellshock except happens all the time. It comes and goes and today, it’s worse. Rogue Shadow, is it you doing this. Or is it a consequence or withdrawal from choking out? Ow, I don’t […]

Sometimes I just stare at the comments you all post on my entries.. Sometimes  I never reply you… Sometimes I feel like I can’t

Hi ye all, my 2 1/2 month planning is finally coming to conclusion just under 48 hours. I just completed constructing my dual helium tank system to be used with my exit bag so I may finally rest from this tortured living.

I just have a few letters to write & email & drop in the box down the street just before I go.

i pretend to have it together…
i dont.
the pain..is tearing me end to end.
but i have to stay alive…for him.

Today my parents told me they where separating, I have never felt worse in my life than what I feel right now :'(

Maybe all the people that I tell myself I need to stay for is just an illusion. Maybe they don’t care nearly as much as I thought they did…

So then…that means…I’m free to go. Right? Yes. I’m free to go.

I’m such a wimp. I’m not gonna do it. All these excuses I make…no matter how many I disprove, I always make more.

I feel like guys aren’t asking me out because they all think I’m a lesbian.
Every secret I write, I can picture on a postcard that I could send into Post Secret.
I lie about almost everything, it’s always details.
You’ve yelled at me so much that I can hear you yelling my name in my head.
When I was little, I always used to take great care of my toys because of toy story, I still do.
My dad is my friend more than he is my dad.
My mom is still trying to make up for the fact that she neglected me when […]

I hurt myself today, to see if I’d still feel.
I focus on the pain, the only things that real.
The needle tears a hole. The old familiar string.
Try to kill it all, but I remember everything.

What have I become, my sweetest friend.
Everyone I know goes away in the end.
And you could have it all, my empire of dirt.
I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liars chair.
Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear.
You are someone else.
I am still right here.

What […]

I hate myself, everything about myself. I can’t even find a gd thing about myself. Perhaps only my death is that tiny one good thing in life I will ever do.

Even that, I can’t do. So what do I do, hmm. Just burn my spirits slowly away in living hell. When is the end?

Ppl don’t understand my problems. They think I’m being bad. They think I’m crazy. Why can’t they fucking open their eyes and look at me? Me? Your daughter, your family, your friend. Look at me and accept me. I’m scared, can’t they see? I’m scared of what I will do. I have thoughts of […]

My mum just scolded me yesterday for being so depressed over my skin conditions, she said I was hurting her, she wished that I can be happy like before, I was about to tell her, I wasn’t happy in the past but was acting “happy” but I ended up saying nothing. Because I knew no matter what, she won’t understand how I feels, how I feels to be inferior for years, how I yearn to be pretty for at least 1 day, how I am lost in my life’s direction. I have no self esteem, I have nightmares, I cried, I am fully depressed, I […]

I had fun yesterday.  I wanted to cry when I got home and went to bed as soon as I laid down.  I feel fat.  I ate two brownies and I feel like I’m overweight.  I weigh about 135lbs.  I have dealt with weight problems but my excuse was always loss of appetite because of depression.  Now I just don’t want to eat.  I don’t want to gain weight.  I want to be thin and I want my bones to show.  I want to feel pretty.  To feel like people are looking at me thinking “Wow she looks good”.  I want to wear a skirt […]

I’ve been gone for a while. I tried to kill myself the other night. And it was working. I was actually gonna die…until mom decided to come home early. Puzzled she just looked at me. The blood everywhere. Straight to the hospital. That had shitty fucking food. I was evaluated time and time again. Spent a couple lonely nights in the psych ward. Awesome. Now I more fucked up than I was before. Met some nice people. I love being surrounded by insanity. It fuels my flame. I’m so attracted to it. I crave it. Cause it’s the only thing I know.

C’mon. Let’s fall in love.

My eyes are swollen.

My breath has been taken.

My body is stunned, and I am forsaken.

All my joy and sweet moments are gone.

My soul is down, and I am dead.

I’ve been torn, throughout my life, in shreds.

This affliction of mine is too much to bare.

But I manage to live, in my heart of despair.

Alas, this feeling has been crushing my mind.

But there on the shelf, I see the bottles.

Hundreds of pills I can down and swallow.

Tonight I could do it, tonight I will.

And see what happens if I won’t be ill.

If I’m not ill, you know where I am.

Gone like the wind, stiff as a brick.

No […]

“you rise and fall your back up against the wall what goes around is coming back and haunting you its time to quit cuz you aint worth the shit under my shoes or the piss on the ground and no one loves you and you know it dont pretend that you enjoy it or you dont care cause now i wouldnt lie or tell you all the things you want to hear cause i hate you cause i hate you cause i hate you cause i hate you i heard your sick sucked on that cancer stick a throbbing tumor and a radiation high […]