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Its like youre zoned out but you cant snap out of it. Its like youre watching a movie even though you know its actually happening. I assume this….out of body feeling i guess one might call it, is what disassociation is. Idk. I might be wrong. Any ideas?
Please make everything go away. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. […]
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Please do not talk about specific methods here. Your posts or comments will be removed without notice if you do.
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I know some of you don’t care, and that’s why some of you don’t follow the rules. I get it. But for this community to work, we need everyone on board. If you can’t get on board with these […]
I am sitting here wondering why I am so desperately unhappy around the holidays. Is it because both of my parents are gone? Is it because my one sibling is just a total *****? Maybe it is because my husband is in some stupid cult religion that believes that Christmas, as well as every other “personal” holiday, is wrong or some sort of pagan BS? Is it because I have no children so my work always manages to think that I can work extra over the holidays? Maybe all of the above. Or, maybe I am just a miserable person.
So here I sit without any […]
i thought today was going to be a happy day… but i dont feel happy. why would today be any different. disorders dont care what day it is.
its my anniversary and im sitting here thinking about everything wrong i can do. i wanna cut. i wanna cry. i wanna drink. i wanna smoke up. but the worse one of all……i want to flick a switch and have it be like i was never here…
im sorry for everything ive put you through…
i couldnt ask for a better husband, i just wish i could be a better wife.
i think im starting to understand it…..get a grasp. well at least this is how its working for me. i hated myself. i was going to cut. i was going to cry. but instead i had a drink. nothing much. just a bit of crown royal i snuck into a bottle of pop behind peoples backs. the point is though… it made me feel good. i forgot about cutting. i had no intentions of sitting there crying. i actually started laughing and smiling. so far so good. but its at this point i know i start chasing that. i start drinking more and more to […]
dysfunctional family, mental illness, memories and memories and memories and memories i can’t escape from, i’ve died a long time ago.
words that don’t define who i am, i hear it from them every single day, i never expected understanding from anyone. the only thing worse is that they are occasionally, decent people, and they see it as if they’re granting me something i don’t deserve. i’m scared to tell them, they ask but they don’t listen and from experiences, countless times i tried, it’s never going to go through.
i’m not falling apart. i’m a plastic shell with shattered pieces, i never thought any of this […]
when am i gonna wake up from this bad dream.
I think a lot of people don’t know how much I want to die. But I do. A lot. I try to act like a happy person, because I love being happy. I love Christmas and happy music and dancing and smiling and laughing at everything. I especially love making other people happy. I feel good when I make other people smile. It makes me feel a little better about myself because even though I’m not good at anything and I don’t have a purpose at least I can bring joy to people who do. But sometimes, a lot of times actually, I’m actually very […]
I’m not sure what I want to get out of posting here. Someone to talk me out of it, someone to talk me into it. Anything but the middle ground, which I have endured for so long.
I am pushing 30, alone, on disability for bipolar disorder and a host of other useless diagnoses, and I have tried grad school 5 times. I dropped out every time due to nervous breakdowns. I feel nothing but guilt, shame, and self-hatred.
I have had extraordinarily strong suicidal thoughts nearly constantly from the age of 8. I tried to end it 5 years ago as I had command […]
I stood up for myself a couple weeks ago with a passive aggressive coworker of mine and it felt pretty good. At my job there’s a lot of physical work to be done and it often requires more than 1 person to get it done as it’s sometimes impossible to do it on your own and it’s more time consuming even if you can do it on your own. But anyways me and this coworker of mine were loading huge storage unit doors onto a pallet. This particular coworker always seems to be in a bad mood or always trying to prove how tough he […]
The only thing keeping me alive: waiting for the next book release of my favv series
I don’t know how to live. With myself. With this experience. I’m so tired. And afraid. I’m not even sure of what. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop I suppose. For all my wretchedness to finally be revealed to the world, and my just deserts to catch up with me. Then there’s this constant nagging craving for any kind of intimacy, which I don’t think I’m capable of finding.
There’s no guide book on how to be this much of a fuckup (at least if you’re not religious). We’re in uncharted waters here.
I want these experiences to end. But I’m too much of a coward. […]
So, I (~) have D.I.D. One of my alters name is ×(. He is a very skinny guy, anorexic. He has a buzzed head, sometimes bald. He wears baggy clothes. His mood is always negative, all of the time. You can usually find him crying up in a ball in his bed.
This is X. I am one of the alters in this system, I am cis male, ginger, and I am the creative/thinker here. I write most of these posts and I keep ~ accounts running. Here to update ×( is not always negative he is our trauma holder, but also holds good memories. […]
I started off young, i met her when i was just 14 and naive, she gave me her laced up weed and at the time a stoner is all i wanted to be. I wanted to be her, i looked into her baby blu eyes and saw the sky. I hated the atlantic, but her crystals where a different shade, they didnt haunt me, i didnt see the megalodon lerking under the surface. She told me pretty lies, pretty little secrets. “Im your only friend” she would say, “smoke your blunts, it will all be over soon.” I was rotting, picking at my arms, why […]
Guys everything is just awful. Not even my life but life in general. Everything feels fucked up and the more time goes on the more fucked up it feels.
It feels like everyone around me is depressed and wants to die… my sister and her bf just broke up. He was depressed and said he wanted to die. Then my sister made vague suicidal threats. My own boyfriend does it while drunk too, but pretends to be ok when he is sober and says stuff like “you distract me from the bad thoughts”. My auntie is depressed. She lost her son this year and has made […]
Long Post Warning: This is just something I need to get off my heart and mind. No reply necessary.
I never thought of myself as someone who sets fires, but maybe I am. Maybe even just entertaining the thought of another woman is playing with fire. I’ve always been the overly cautious type that doesn’t want to get burnt or see others hurt and warns of the dangers. And yet here I am with match in one hand and the matchbox in the other.
So about a year ago I moved to a new position in my organization. And 2-3 months in a woman I’ll call ‘Katie” […]
I’ve pushed many people away. Maybe I can end it and no one would care. Maybe this is a cry for help, or me ranting. Either way, I hope this pain will stop.
It’s the season not to be without marijuana if that be your thing. Christmas brings despair down hard on the suicidal and with the long dark days of the holidays ahead marijuana is of paramount importance to me. This time last year I found myself without and it was hell. I had recourse to alcohol and that only exacerbated the unhappiness. I don’t get how anyone can equate alcohol with pleasure. For me the sensation of drunkenness is quite dreary and depressing. Then there’s the labour required to get drunk, ingesting all that liquid, passing water like a racehorse, and a hangover the next day. […]
So many levels to my pain, so many demons that still remain at the end of every day. Some days I wake up and want just run away from everyone and everything. Other days I want to stay and fight and maybe have a chance to finally play this hand of life that was dealt to me, with confidence once more in life. I need a win in life more now than I need forgiveness for my sins in life. I draw the line in the sands of time only to find im already on the other side. Already outta time to change the […]
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