General

I woke up briefly to BF on his way out to turn in some paperwork. Hopped on his comp he offered for a bit to play a small amount of Farm Country, I logged off earlier than expected due to boredom yet again, but prior to doing so, I’ve told him I would scan his computer one of these days so I set the scanners in motion.

I went back to sleep for a small nap. BF then later came back around 11ish with some bad news, but that’s their news. Both BF and I took another nap because of how early we’ve woken up. […]

One of my best friends was talking to me and she started to ask some stuff that would have required me to tell her that I’m suicidal, depressed, and masochistic and I was kind of a jerk because I didn’t want her to find out. I’m not sure what exactly I’m supposed to say without telling her about those things.

I am abit tearful tonight for when my best friend stoped over to pick up my fried pc power supply to replace it for me from his home stash. I finally could not hold back any longer of my final exit plans,

He’s the only person who has really stuck in with me the past 19 years of my torments even beyond my own family. Now I realize it is him I am crying for. Because I am also his best friend & he comphends the depth of the misery I live in. He held back from talking and didn’t want to say anything stupid of […]

It was not a very long time ago when I had the lust of a hungry lover. The anger of a raging Tasmanian Devil. The sadness of a quiet, vast beach. The love of a vulnerable, infatuated 10 year old. I never fully realized that I would take my extreme feelings for granted…These extreme feelings were the epitome of every piece that I furiously typed and written onto a blank, emotionless slate.

Whenever I stare at a blank page, I use to be able to have the words flow out of me so as to purge out all of the hidden emotions that have been kept […]

I just finished reviewing Final Exit site and contemplating on contacting them for my right to die.

Hmmm wonders if they just might think I am crazy.

I live in a constant state of exhaustion from a completely disabling form of sleep deprivation, which I was born with and was diagnosed at the age of 35 in 1994. The medical staff who were involved in the testing and diagnoses were surprised to how severe the sleep deprivation was and was informed by doctor that they really couldn’t comprehend how I was still alive and made it as long as I had at that time and ranked me in […]

When you have so high, vivid imaginations that your Dream-world is always 1,000x much more interesting & lively than this so called Real-world,
then you know how ‘torturing‘ and like a ‘curse‘ for you to live in this boring, dull, drag, and often full of BS Real-world…!

Mum said she wished I was dead and not my sister… Lovely.

today is another day, and I’m still here.

This is the free me who just had fun and got out and partied, now im just boring all the time my friends want to hang out i just want to sleep i cant get out of this funk. im trying to be more positive and be strong and tell myself things will get better but they just suck right now and i feel selfish in a way because i want to put my grandma in a home because im not fit to be taking care of her all the time when i can […]

My problem is so unique and I wish I could say that is a good thing. It’s not my biggest problem but it occupies so much of my daily thinking that it is strong enough (when added to my other problems)  to push me to kill myself. I am only 29 but if not for the ONE girl I found in  high school……I would still be a virgin. Not a big deal one may say…..BUT…..I was born socially retarded…..I just can’t seem to get my shit together enough to have normal relations with the opposite sex. Oh I can carry on a conversation with girls […]

I didn’t know where else to turn.  I tried to call the prevention hotline but the waiting on hold part made me feel ridiculous.  I want to tweet and ask for help but my inlaws subscribe to me and probably think I’m nuts as it is from the tweets I’ve posted all day.  I don’t even need comments, I don’t even know if I will be able to figure out how to check them.  I just needed to talk, to say it out loud, to feel like someone actually cares.  Not like I’m a nuisance, that I am taking up time and space.  I don’t […]

ok so i had this rly great boyfriend we dated 4 almost 7 mths n he always said hed never hurt me but last nite he texted me and told me that we were over and didnt give a explanition 4 it at all he said he never wanted to tlk 2 me agin n tht he didnt care what i did becuz i hurt him. how? i have no idea should i try to tlk 2 him and see if we can work on our relationship or should i just move on?

I’ve been waiting two years for things to just ‘get better’, as everyone else seems to think and say it will, But I’m tired of waiting. I’m going to make this happen for myself.

These little delusions and little voices will die with my depression, I’m not letting this become schitziophenia. I’m not.

I’m going to get over my fears, everytime I flinch, I’m going to fucking hit myself. Associate being afraid with physical pain, and also, maybe if I hit myself hard enough, it’ll take my mind away from the thoughts and memories. If the self beatings won’t work, I’ll resite the two times table in […]

It’s my last day online, for tomorrow me and my partner are heading out to that beautiful location that points 350 feet down to freedom. Initially I didn’t want to say goodbye but I’m bored and so I guess I’ll write until time runs out. I’m not exactly sure what to tell the world, like fuck you all or be blessed. Tomorrow, I’ll celebrate like there’s no tomorrow… (haha! ironic, isn’t it) and I know i will for It’ll be the best day of my life. I have no guilt or regrets and I will not miss anything here although some of you have truely […]

id rather do nothing and be happy, than do something i know i don’t love.

but doing nothing never achieves something…

this evening was fun… almost forgot how much i hated this place… for a breif moment i even forgot how much i miss that place called home…

I like rabbit’s maybe i get one for like a pet I hope hammy made it to the forest anyway soon be easter I don’t under stand what’s it got to do with rabbit’s I don’t under stand the hole egg thing to o well.

Can’t sleep. Watching the same shit on tv that I always do… I’m just a waste of space. A waste of a person. I would trade my life for someone who greatly wants one like those poor kids who have cancer or leukemia. I would spare mine in a heartbeat. When I believed in GOD, I prayed to him asking him to take my life away and to give it to one of those kids….

Again, counting down the days that I actually kill myself. Feelings are stronger than I ever felt. I know I won’t live to see my 23rd bday. My gift to […]

Only come across the site yesterday, so thought what the hell I will join.  I’m not sure I have story’s to compare to some of what I have read, or that I am at the depths of despair – yet.  Following a series of events over many years a about a month ago I “snapped” went on a drink and drug induced rampage of smashing things up not eating or sleeping for almost a week, my friend took me to the doctors now on anti depressants, the feeling to end my life is still there however I no longer feel consumed by it 24/7, however some nights it still seems the […]