General

I hate myself. I hate every little aspect of me. I’m tired of pretending everything is okay. I’m tired of putting on that fake smile. What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t even know who I am. I look in the mirror and see a stranger.

I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to try and get good grades. I don’t want to try to loose weight. I don’t want to try to make myself not so hideous. I just want to lay in my bed and never leave.

What do I do? Do I keep on living this life I hate? Do […]

anyone heard of success with Dr. Nitsche’s euthanasia device? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euthanasia_device / helium or ********?

I’m so disappointed in myself for ignoring all of my responsibilities. I’m putting such a large burden on everyone I know, and that should be the reason that I want to kill myself, not my own feelings.

I stay on the computer too much, as if something magical is going to jump out of it and make life better.

I’ve been telling myself that I’m going to change, but I feel paralyzed.

This has gone on for so long that I’ve ruined my life. There I am worrying about myself again.

It has been a while since I’ve posted on here. But I will make it quick because Skins comes on at 10… so in the last months my moods have been up and down but i also feel my depression setting in for a couple of weeks now but it just wont come like it usually does. apparently i feel lonely and i do… but i dont know why i feel this way and definately why my depression wont just sent in and then go away like it usually does.

I just joined this and I dont care really about writing about my life in books. I like buttons. And I like things that talk back, it makes me feel sort of welcome in some ways. Ive been sucidal but its very easy for me to feel guilty, so I backed out of it at the last second. I have cut myself before. It hurt my loved ones too much when they saw it, so I did it in hidden places. Like the top of my legs and else where. My wrist scars have faded but not my leg scars. It hurts when I see […]

My job…is to help and savd the people I love.
but I fail at it.
I cant save girl.I can’t save angel ash.I can’t save biscuit of death.
why can’t I do ny job?
what am I doing wrong?
I don’t understand.

Second day writing my diary here.
I’m pretending no one can read it, but comments are nice. Good to have a diary I can really talk to, lol.

Today was bad. My boyfriend completely ignored me all day, even though I texted him last night and told him I couldn’t sleep because I was having a bad day. No response then, he was probably asleep. But I didn’t get any response the day after (today). He lives btw with some friends of mine, and we all gathered there today to watch a show that started airing tonight. When he came home from school he sat down […]

Today was going good till I thought about angel ash.
I was with my girl(I wish she was mine) after school.her bf stayed of corce.
He’s going to see his ex this weekend.like wtf!he’s hurting christal and he doesnt care!
Best part is..they kissed in front of me.
Good thing yhat happened…is she came to my house.we each had a sip of this kick ass vodka!
It was some awesome shit.
But down side….my friend alyssa is. Madcuz she thinks I like christal more(friend wise)
That’s not true.I love them the same.I just like christal…more then a friend.

Today gad its ups and downs.
I told […]

Last night well yea the title says it all and now im seriously depressed.I feel dirty.It started out as a normal day watched a couple of movies and stuff.My younger sisters went to bed so it was me,him and the second oldest cuz it wasn’t her bed time yet (my mom was in manhatten for wedding stuff my uncles getting married)So my sister puts on a zombie movie and i really didn’t want to watch that so my “step”dad was all like he was going to the room and whoever wanted to join him can go so im like ok cuz i wanna play my D.S and […]

remember when we used to argue
and fight all the time
remember when I would say you don’t love me
the same way that you love them
remember when I complained
about all the burdens place on my shoulders

remember when all of that changed
and I became what you wanted me to be
we stopped all the fighting and arguing
and lived together so peacefully

I used to think it was you that had changed
I just assumed you became more accepting
but I realized that I had just given up
i just gave in and did what pleased you

so now I am living this life

i really dont believe i belong to this earth- i really dont undertand human emotion, really have no empathy for anyone, cannot for the life of me figure out how anything works- mortgages/ insurance/ relationships/ road rules…so honeslty honestly the only hope that i have is death. i dont want the normal things people want- like marriage, relationships, a career coz i know ive proven that i just simply unable to do it. i honestly live outside this world- dont do anthing all day but watch tv coz i cant handle simple responsibilities. SO…the topic of death..i want to commit suicide but..im afraid of […]

anyone here who is on windows live messenger and enjoys cutting, add me rocky1990b@yahoo.de  =)

I just want to start with saying, English is not my native language but i’ll try my best

Well where to start I’m 24 years old I got 2 kids I got a decent job or well I had a decent job

it all started in november 2010 with me getting these wierd spontaneous toughts such as

” will people remember me ” , ” Do anyone even care if i leave this earth?” etc etc.

and pretty soon it evolved into these very fucked up patherns of thinking

like when anything went against me I just tought ” gosh it would be nice to just off my self ”

and […]

So here I am
on the brink of insanity
in this hole that I dug for myself

And everyone on the outside
they see me in here
maybe they want to help me out
but they don’t even know what they’re looking at

And as they mutter
the obligatory words of encouragement
I just dig deeper into my hole

So much deeper
that I cannot see where it began
and hopefully one day I’ll just disappear

Why does it always has to come back. For a while I was so called happy. I didn´t want to hurt myself, but now the feelings and desires are back. And I hate it. I don´t want to be like this. I even got a boyfriend, and he loves me I think. In the beggining I thought the same, I felt like i had finally found somebody I was ment to be with, But now I don´t know. Maybe I am just ment to be loved and love in return. Maybe I life is not for me. Why do I have to taint everything and […]

-There is nothing i wouldn’t do for my sisters.
-i never say no to my dad when he asks me to do something…
-i know he’ll make me do it anyway.
-Yesterday i packed all my stuff to leave with no idea where i was going.
-I tell my boyfriend im going crazy and he acts like he doesn’t care.
-I told him he’s supposed to comfort me and tell me it’s going to be ok.
-he doesn’t.
-I walk a fucking straight line for these people!
-i don’t have to.
-i don’t do drugs anmd im not an alcoholic.
-i don’t plan on getting […]

Im done. I cant take this shit anymore.. I fucking hate it…

Hi. I’m going to school right now and… I honestly don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel so emotionless, so stoic. I can’t even crack a smile at my cousin’s antics. I have a lot on my mind and I would like to talk about it. My number is 16363882782 if anyone is willing to talk to me before class.