General

Today., for the first time in about 4 months, i stopped taking my meds. Only a couple hours off of them and i feel like im gonna go crazy.  Im 13. Ive been taking these meds since i was 7. I started cutting when i was 9. My parents had divorced recently and i decided that it was all my fault and that i should just die. take a great burden off my parents shoulders. but i wasnt ready yet. i wanted to wait until i was older. so i stayed with cutting, burning, and the occasional breaking my bone on purpose. I think it […]

im already done with my life. im always the one here for the world.. always smiling. my older sister died of suicide last year. my mother is into heavy drugs. many say im beautiful.. but because of constant teasing i feel ugly. watch for me on the utah news.

I have the oxycodone sitting in a drawer in my room and almost everyday i think about taking those pills. I fell so hollow inside. My chest cavity holds only my unhappiness. I know i cant do this to my mother though. My brothers wouldnt care. My older brother told me he hated me today and called me a piece of shit. The look in his face looked like he wanted to kill me. I dont feel like doing anything. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I think i might do this. I cant take this anymore. Ever since my parents got divorced and I switched […]

I don’t think I am worth keeping around. I only bring pain to everybody around me. I am a terrible man. I feel like I don’t have any control over my life. I am scared of the person I am. I am afraid of facing each new day, and I hope that somehow, someway I will die by the next morning. I don’t have any hope left. I have been through so much suffering and I don’t think my heart can take it anymore. I have tried so hard to fight these feelings inside of me, but I cannot live with myself or what I […]

The time we’re born, the instant without the security and warmth inside mommy’s womb, we cried.

At first day of school, we didn’t want to leave grabbing our mother’s hand, feeling so deserted to the world we might even cry.

From then on, we’re moved from class to different classes, through favorite teacher and unfavorable teachers, and school to different schools, even home to different home, we just flowed through with the environmental changes.
Along with those, our body transform too, and encountered various challenges through varied interactions.
Of those love and hate mixing the most with our heart throbbings and breakings of so-called found and lost […]

Everyone has a dark side.

It’s there, even if we don’t want to admit it. Way deep down inside of us, hiding in the very darkest corners of our subconscious, but when it comes out and reveals itself to us, it’s frightening.

Isn’t it?

NO. Not for me at least. It’s not easy knowing there’s a side of you that could be dangerous, that could even hurt yourself or others, but it’s not there all the time. I mean, I don’t always feel it. Then again, I have a hard time feeling anything at all, at least not any of the emotions normal people feel. Still, it’s not […]

My life was once full of joy and laughter. i would smile every day. but one day, my parents began fighting. And to a 14 year old girl it seemed really bad. My mother would cry everyday. My father would continue to drink and smoke as much as he could. I would begg him to stop.. he wouldnt listen to me.. no matter how much i begged and cried. At the age of 15 my mother and i left home for a week just to get into a pecefull inviernment, and then we went home.. 2 days after we got home.. the fighting began. It was 3 days before Christmas.. my mother told […]

I am 18 years old and realized along time ago that I hate my life, nothing to me is beautiful anymore, I only see the ugly things that life has proudly offered me, We have destroyed this world, so why not I do the world a favor and leave, then at least thats one person that everyone has to worry about, I know I’m just in the way anyways. I simply just don’t belong here, I hear everyone talk about how things will get better, why don’t they tell that to that man that lives on the street that they all ignore. why […]

Ive been struggling with loneliness my whole life, Its something i understand well, and some days are much harder then others, but never give up, Keep talking even if no one is listening……its one of the few things that helps

its not like they’ll search for this. i feel safe here, my dark blue page. i sometimes wish that someone WOULD find this page, so i can have more reason to be motivated to end my life, but alas, wishing is for birthday candles and little kids. i feel like those who need this will read it and take it in, and no one i know will ever gain enough interest to uncover it, even if i scripted it out for them, because on a mature level, i have come to understand that even i myself can not evade the selfishness of being human. – […]

Tonight. December 20th, 2010. The end. The end of my life. Forever.

Say what you want. Think what you want. But after tonight it won’t matter. The knife to my wrist isn’t painful enough. I want to feel the pain. I want to suffer, knowing my family won’t even care. After all, all my mom does is yell, and scream at me for reason, and call me a snotty *****. Yes, it may seem over-dramatic that a 12 year old girl is ending her life. But i can’t take this shit anymore. Life sucks. I don’t care what people say, or do, it always comes back […]

Every day that goes by is consumed with fantasies of ending all the pain I feel..desperate to be free of these hopeless thoughts, painful memories and broken dreams.
Even in sleep I cannot shake the desire to end my so called life. I enjoy those dreams..i feel so close to peace within those dreams..but then I wake up.. despite the constant wishing the nights before, that I will not open my eyes ever again.
Each day these fantasies seem to get more graphic and more tempting..

but i’m going to have to give this up. i know i have been saying that a lot. but i’m going to see you in a couple of days. so really. really.. my heart is heavy saying this to you and i’m so so feeling so so heavy at the moment. i’ve been too empty for too long that eventually. eventually. it hurts. again.

love. i love you so please, don’t do anything silly if i’m suddenly not there. you know how incredibly unstable i am and have been. you know right ?

one way at a time, i’ll try to lend these broken hands of mine..

I am 19 years old.

I have lived through domestic violence for most of my childhood until we came to a different country and my mother had the courage to leave my father. I’ve watched her get beaten almost everyday infront of my eyes while she was trying to protect me and my sister. I had been pretty clueless the whole time, being young and having to grow up with it. However, when they divorced I supported my mother all the way.

I thought everything would be great afterwards but I was mistaken. We had to move to a low-income family housing since we did not have […]

I am sure others have said it, or have asked or posted or what have you, but i am new and thinking. If life inst going to get better, not because you haven’t tried, but because it just isn’t. Is that enough of a reason? I try and find those moments of happiness but they all tend to be hollow in the end.

I guess things could get better, there is a small chance of it, but an even bigger chance they will either stay the same or get worse. I don’t understand why i, or any one should hold out for that one small chance […]

I woke up this morning with a depressive feeling all too familiar to me. Thoughts that accompany this feeling are something along the lines of ‘I’m not good enough…I don’t fit in…life is finite and death can’t be avoided’. These thoughts and feelings have been with me since I was a teenager and years of therapy haven’t made them go away, although it has helped talking about them to someone. I have now trained myself as a psychotherapist and have come into contact with many people who speak of suicidal thoughts (it really is far more common than I could have imagined).  Often it is linked to wanting […]