General

Im proud of myself because I hadnt rellapsed again. Today I was like “Oh my god, what reasons do I have for not doing it?” Its always in these days, when everything seems insufficient, nothing is satisfying and then the worst mistake I can make in my life seems terribly atractive. But im trying to make things decent now, I dont want to screw up everything.

I need solace

Some things are better left alone. Better left forgotten. But some times it hurts too much to forget.

my insta is fionasmithhh   DM me

I start a new job on Wednesday and if I get fired or forced to quit for whatever reason, I’m just going to kill myself without thinking twice.

I not going to sit and hope to wait for things to go my way and put in the energy to look for another job.  not doing it anymore.

It’s so over without a second thought 🙂

I find myself addicted to pornography and masturbation, and often times I actually enjoyed it. I’m a christian, and it really gives you low confidence in God when you can’t let go of sin. Here I am on relapse after trying to abstain for over 2 weeks. But in my relapse it is not the same as before, it is not despair and me feeling like I’ll never make it in life. I can stand and believe that “He who started a good work in me will see it unto completion.”. I decided to learn from my relapses rather than view them as mistakes. A […]

existing not living

So what can I say this time? Just came home from work – I screw up everything I do. I sit around work, unable to focus. I hate meetings. I am so anxious during work and get brain-fog so badly I cannot focus on the task at hand. Why does this happen? I do not understand how unfair the competitive advantage is we need to have to sustain ourselves in this sanctuary of a universe. I am here writing to you all on a Friday night of a long weekend ahead. Is it so relative that it feels as if I already lost my job? […]

i wanna smoke and get out of my mind, dont know anyone who smokes ): my mums bringing home homemade hard cider tomorrow night and im hyped, promised myself I wouldnt drink until tomorrow because i have to pace myself, you know? its a gallon jug.

oh and i had school, it was dope, made new friends, plan on making more. everyone in honors classes are super sweet and nice, but they dont take risks, or maybe they just have better coping mechanisms than me

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on and mine is my best friend. We all need that one person when the world is against us. You were that person who sent me encouraging texts,and talked to me on the phone for hours.you were the one that kept me going you were the one who was able to let me face each day. You know there were many days when I wanted to die and not get out of bed and I couldn’t find the strength to put my feet on the floor. I was praying for my life to end but it never came. But […]

Experiencing a life time of hell right now. Physically mentally and emotionally tired. Suffering from all 3. I think I’m extra weight to the surrounding crowd. I barely see any importance of me. The people who tries to make others laugh deserves to be alone at the end. Failed socially again in a different perspective than any other time frame of my life. Still hoping for the best though.

That’s like whenever I think I’m in a positive mood something comes and crashed me back again worse than the early disaster. “Don’t ruin other peoples happiness if you can’t find your own”. Just grabbed me […]

I’m 52 soon. I used to be very upset that I didn’t get the life that most people I grew up with got (partners, children, career, friends)

I have learned to accept this. Of course I’m too much of a human wreck to work which I suppose I should be grateful for. I spend most of my time with distractions like reading watching documentaries and sport and chatting on the net. Still I feel that my life is empty and because I don’t work I don’t feel part of society, which is a horrible feeling.

I see the awful jobs people have to do and wonder how […]

The fact that I just cant get over it is killing me. Its just I thought I finally would be happy… I thought someone would actually love me. Then it all crashed down in one night totally out of nowhere she just tells me that it never was serious for her… It has been over 2 months and Im still not over it… The fact that she couldnt care less and was over it in maybe couple of hours is the worst. I mean either I fked up by being insecure and she just stopped being attracted to me or she never wanted anything serious […]

he got in my face. literally. my nose was basically touching his chest. he was twice my height. and i didnt care about any of that. i was tired of the sexist comments. the threats. i was fucking done. so i got to watch his head spin. im not typically one for fighting. in fact i will find reasons to stop it. but if you are going to say youll “take care of me” that my husband should “control me” that i must be “on my period” i will put my foot down! every fucking time. i sat down for years but ever since that […]

I thought I made it out, but I keep coming back. I am at a different place in my life. It is getting better I think, but it’s also getting worse. Everytime I think I can move on, I come back here again. New problems keep coming and old problems come to haunt me. I think I won’t have to feel this way again, and then I still do. Nothing actually changed.

I guess I was always somewhat anxious – hesitant, cautious, prone to holding back. But I now find the awareness of all that could go wrong crippling. There are some fairly unique things that could happen to me that don’t threaten most people. But a lot of it is just the general hazard of being alive. What if I get hit by a car, and crippled? What if I’m violently assaulted? What if I get dementia and end up crazily confessing my worst deeds? What if there’s finally a nuclear war? What if at some point in the future an artificial intelligence determines that I’m […]

Do you like life, or poop?
I like poop.

I’m waiting for my “eureka” moment. I’m trying to find a moment where I’ll just stop and reflect; I reflect a lot, but I don’t change. I read about these moments where people just come to a conclusion about life and they’re satisfied, they’re happy, and they stop caring about what others think. I just want to find mine.