General

Hello again. To whomever is reading this, I geniunely hope things are at the very least, stable for you. Unsure as to why I’m unable to sleep but here I am. It’s been a while again. Things once again feel different here.

I’m not too sure why I feel as detached as I do currently. I feel so far away from all the goings on in general, it’s a bit unsettling. All the changes and updates and everything, I feel so old compared to the young teen fresh out of school headed to college. It’s odd that I manage to keep finding my way back here. […]

1 Corinthians 13:1-10,13 NKJV
“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am become as a sounding brass or a tingling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge; and though I have all faith that I can remove mountains but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestowed all my goods to feed the poor and give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
Love suffers long and is kind,
Love does not envy,
Love does not boast of itself; […]

Yesterday i tried kill myself. i took a bunch of sleeping pills and went to sleep. the only hope i had was never wake up again.

Unfortunately, this morning i woke up with my dad bashing the door saying as late for work. when i up the door, even if i was a little groggy i saw that my daddy was really desperated and had started to cry.

I feel sad about him, he is a really good father and tries his best, but i wont wont be able to continue.

next time i try i know that the pills aren’t enough, ill ill  to cut my wrists […]

strangled myself w cable uwu, felt like my head was going to burst but after a good 30 seconds or so i’m fully calm and ready to go kick ass

I remember at 6 sitting on the cold marble stairs of our house in Rio praying and that prayer was to die. Until then my life was one of violence against me. My father did what his father did.

My mother who also beat me also badgered my father to do things with me. So he would take me for walks to cut the bamboo he would beat me with that week. My mother got me a dog, knowing how messed up I was becoming, and he kicked it to death for not walking properly. By six I prayed to die to the COAT (Creator Of […]

I hate waking up. I just feel like slitting my throat when I wake up. I hate waking up alone. I hate being alone. Unfortunately hating being alone is the most unatractive trait that a guy  could have. That sucks. I suck. I should get my shit together and learn to be comfortable with being alone but all I can do is rant like a crybaby. If only I could get hit by a lightning today.

A common fear is that they will die alone. I wish I could die alone.

I’m working on it. Just family left.

I hope this happens soon.

…. they do.

I left college today a bit late. We have some upcoming projects to cram for so we (actually, just one of the members and I) took an appointment to meet the HOD.  He didn’t appear on time in the college campus and so we had to wait, only to leave college at 6:30pm. The streets got busier once we were out in the main road waiting for the signal to turn green. My head was blank, I promise. Besides, with hell lot of medication, I hardly had felt anything strange. We were waiting for too long. The signal didn’t turn green yet but I saw […]

Too much free time, too little sleep every night, nothing to do.. feels like I have lots of things to do, but I can’t identify what those things are. Maybe I should cut back on the coffee.

anyone else got a hyphenated surname? 😛