General

day 1057 of asking myself who’s sentient and who’s not. why are some driven more by their emotions and why are some of us only mildly inconvenienced by them? what’s that trait called, if it’s a trait at all. in other words, i’m asking for someone to tell me the answer.

is anyone doing their holy duty? all i see are vices. i see people everywhere who are trying, but where are the saints? i know they exist. they don’t live around me. i only hear about them. i’m borderline one but i guess that would mean i am one of the triers. a very good […]

The older I get, the more superstitious I realize I am. I buck it, destiny, fate, magical thinking and whatnot. But it’s still there, hiding in the shadows of my mind. I keep wondering if I have bad karma. What’s more superstitious than that?!

my therapist is moving on, in six weeks. This is…….. god do you know I’ve lost count of the amount of therapists I’ve been through? Dozens at least. Two to five a year since 2010, so that averages 3.5, so that’s 49. That’s a guess, or numerology take your pick. And I’ve been varying amounts of upset about each one. I’m kind […]

Things like THIS is why I no longer believe in humans or humanity. I mean, also based on my WHOLE life of being screwed. I used to be super sweet and nice, and genuinely would do anything to help ppl, and did, but no more. Not when you just get shit thrown in your face. Thank goodness I was never THIS nice. I would NEVER donate one of my kidneys. Oh hell no.

No good deed goes unpunished…
Woman fired after donating kidney to boss

Another one…
Woman Donated Kidney to Boyfriend — Then He […]

How do we get out of our shitty life when we no longer have any hope left? No longer have any fight left in us? No more “oompf” left?

To get out of our life, we must have hope. Without hope, without believing that rainbow exists and that there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, we cannot proceed. Sure, we can only force ourselves to do so much. But that’s like dragging our feet at every single step. This doesn’t work but get us a few feet. REAL change involves having ZEST for life, feeling […]

I really would like to know the source of my current apathy. Is it my pain at having my hopes dashed? Is it the new drug? Is it the lessening of the old drugs? Is it the lack of anything worth engaging with?

I went into this business thinking if I understood others I might understand myself, and I was wrong.

Anyway so I thought I’d try to finish my serial killer book. Got frustrated pretty quickly. The issue is unreliable narrator. Almost immediately after giving the reader a bit of “evidence” the book discounts it, makes it nonsense. The killer is manipulating the investigators, nothings is […]

I keep thinking about my dad killing my mom. I’m the only one he really talks to and every time I talk to him, he’s always going on about how I’m the only one that cares about him and how my mom only wants his money. Or some other grievance he has with her. He’s never been violent to me, but he’s also mentally unstable and refuses to take his medication. My parents live in two different states but I still worry because he has the means to get here if he wanted to. He’s also a retired veteran and has guns. I don’t think […]

Bye bye hope

bye bye satisfaction

hello inaction

I wish that I could cry

bye bye hope

bye bye upward climb

welcome back mediocre time

I wish that I could die

goodbye my hope goodbye

I was going to try and explain it, but damn it’s short enough I can just quote it here. It doesn’t include any personal details

”

Good morning,

We value your interest in the Victim Advocate position at [Redacted] with the Police Department. Following a thorough review of numerous qualified applicants, the panel has selected the top five candidates for further interviews. Unfortunately, we must inform you that you will not proceed to the final round […]

deadlines are coming and going and the help i’m set to get still feels so far away.

i can only feel negative thoughts recently, ive been numbing my brain with social media, games, alcohol, and such.

i feel incapable of literally anything productive. i havent left my room today, hardly even left the bed. not unordinary.

havent shaved, brushed teeth, showered, did laundry, or did any of the work ive needed to do for a while now.

disgusting. my soap is out, havent even bought more. isnt that fucking gross?
everything is slippping away i want to die so bad its what any train of thought leads to now.

i […]

Got through more than a 1/3 of Jameson but less than a half. Comfortably numb. Still haven’t talked to my friends. Don’t really plan to anytime soon. Just feel no reason to talk to them. Did 2 interviews for an internship for amazon. I think it went well. Got nothing to complain about. Except the sprain. Other than that, I’m all good. Still think about her. Wish I didn’t. Wonder when it will stop. Flipped to see if i should call her. Landed on heads of al things. Doesn’t mean […]

There’s a kind of mental suffering that’s hard to put your finger on or express, but I guess I’m trying to process that. I’d say one aspect comes from the awareness that you’re not a good person. Not just in terms of your actions, but also your emotions. Your desires. What you want from the world is not good. And you can’t just stop desiring something. That’s not how that works. So you continue to feel the desire, while simultaneously being aware that it’s wrong. And I think as a result you become alienated from yourself on a fundamental level, which is deeply painful. You […]

There’s always a very short window of opportunity in every facet of life which closes very rapidly, and once closed, is closed forever. When it comes to recovery, shall we say recovery from suicidal thoughts, that wndow of opportunity has closed permanently should you find yourself still suicidal after 21. I recall as younger man being able to feel the window of opportunity close in respect of trying to score weed with the lads. If you like weed you don’t just like it, you fucking love it passionately, like the passionate love between Heathcliff and Cathy in Emily Bronte’s celebrated novel.

I recall vividly standing under […]

seriously, out of nowhere, I get this invite to a webinar, and usually webinars are crap, I have an ongoing invite to one about grad school, ha ha.

but it’s from the state, for a job, and dang it, it’s a job I’d be good at. It’s tomorrow.

I don’t know how much to believe in it. Maybe they just sent it out to everyone who filled out an application in the last year. Not too special then, am I? The other end though, maybe I was picked. Either way, we’ll see how bad they want to fill the role.

Seriously tight turnaround though. I can’t imagine that […]

I swear, I was almost to the point that I could portray myself as emotionally well balanced. After all, I’m well liked, and I like myself. Really my one fault is my career, and I’m working on that.

This is going to be a story of effective therapy, because what therapy does better than anything else is hold up a mirror to parts of the self that are laying low from your own awareness.

What’s weird is that I don’t know how we got there. She was talking about how I’m a very emotionally reserved person, and I reflected that yes, I am. So she inquired as […]

And we’re supposed to be the superior apes? The highest level of beings? I swear humans are DE-volving, not evolving.

I know there’s tons of Karen videos, but these top the cake. Like what the actual fuck? How are there SO many fucking insane and entitled ppl out there?

The Karen of All Karens

Our society is done for. These Karens are not an anomaly- they are the norm, they are our neighbors and our drivers, they are all around us- they are the masses.

You had me give up on my own future because you “needed” me to not go have my own space and take care of myself and my own life.

You talked and acted like you’d kill yourself if I didn’t, like you talked about how you got drunk and smashed your car a little while before.

You didn’t care then that you were emotionally blackmailing me into turning myself into a wreck and throwing my future away.

You didn’t care then that I gave up on everything I wanted for you because of that stupid intense fear and anxiety you made me feel.

You didn’t care how disgusting I […]

I had a strange dream, and it got me thinking about something I observed about a different type of anti social behavior; when you’re the one experiencing the anti social tendency, you tend to sell it as a positive.

I don’t trust anyone at all, including myself. This is years of trauma and frustration manifest. So when I meet a true believer, someone who trust the world and themselves, I recoil. It’s probably why I like the mentally ill and developmentally disabled; the world has failed them, so I don’t have to work to explain how someone who appears trustworthy can rip your heart out. It’s […]

I’m falling so far down. It’s been a week today that I’ve cut every day. I’ve never done a full week straight before, I usually leave a few days because of the sting.

I can’t do anything my peers can do anymore. How can I write university essays when I hardly leave my bed? I can hardly eat. I can hardly be.

There will be consequences. I know there will be. I deserve them for not getting better soon enough. I’m so scared of them, though.

I’m losing the people I love. I don’t have the energy to contact them, and none […]

Went to the orthopedist today. Good news is whoever read my x-rays was wrong. I don’t have a fracture. Just a sprain. Pretty happy about that. Doesn’t change that my ankle hurts like hell, but I don’t need to be afraid of worsening a fracture in my foot. Things have been ok. Not horrible. Just ok. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. I was doing great with only thinking about her sometimes. But I’ve had her on my mind a lot lately. Been bummed about that. Drinking right now. […]

Patience is the hardest thing there is. It’s a commonality within a lot of us. Maybe depression is a rational response, to waiting too long, getting impatient.

but as dangerous, is acting thinking that the waiting is pointless. There’s some kind of counterforce, stealer of dreams, or maybe just a root of ruin in every mind. It says hurry up, hurry up, hurry up…. and it thinks, I could push through, I could make it faster.

The shame, when I was younger and more foolish I gave into it. Trying to be less foolish, less wasteful.

because there will be time enough, in the right time. I wanted […]

prioritizing our lives over others’ … what a concept.

i have some psychotic beliefs/magical thinking