I’ve been drinking, i’ve been getting high. and all this time i wonder if i did the right thing. sure shes happier and has moved on but i havent. but it doesnt really matter what i want because she is more important even though i hate myself for loving her. who cares anyway ill just tie my noose and jump off my roof. life is messed up and it isnt worth it. im so done with all this shit.
Category:
My Suicide Note
I miss the words that I deleted. They felt more real.
There is this really heavy hole somewhere in my body and it’s growing. I remember when it first came. I was 12. I thought it was just a wound, you know? I thought it would heal and it would go away like any other time I’ve been hurt.
I thought that if I stopped paying attention to it, it would go away. That’s what I was always taught, I mean.
But it didn’t. The hole just kept getting bigger and heavier and darker and it’s lost. No, I’m lost. I’m lost in this hole […]
When death is so near, sometimes it walks on padded feet, strumming the ground like a guitarist, rhythmically – louder – softer, then with fingers on the wood, tap, tap… tap, tap. The sound is everywhere, no one can hear it but the poor fuck. It builds and then suddenly subsides, then as each pebble of doubt and every dark word is cast into the waters of his mind, the song builds again on each ripple. Inside his head each wave combines with the last, getting larger and larger. With the sound of the pebbles dropping into the water, cast by each tap, tap… tap, […]
I’m going to do it I just need to know how to let people down easy. I really can’t stay here. Any ideas on what to write for my mom would be amazing. Thank you!
I have no idea how to start or where to start. This letter suppose to give you answer/s why I did that. I hope it would. As you are reading this, I hope you can feel my presence by your side. And as you proceed, I can tell that you’re already holding my hand, I hope you won’t let go because I will lead you to this journey of mine. From how it all started and how it ended. It is not easy, it is not easy to end it. While writing this, I am stuck between wanting to live and wanting to die. How […]
Tuesday May 1st 2018
Koralie. Or Koraly. Or Korallie. That’s your sister’s name, Maggy.
I like Koralie better.
I want to see you both.
A lot.
I’m not doing well now.
I took how many pills?
I feel pathetic.
Manilla asked me how I do it.
She’d kill herself if she were me.
If only she knew.
I love you two so much.
SO much.
I want to meet you both.
And your brother without a name.
I love you three so much.
Because you’re me.
And you’re mine.
And I’ll take care of you.
I want to walk to you.
Talk to you.
Feel your nappy hair rub against my chest as you sleep.
I have to stay alive.
Write my will.
To live.
I want to […]
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
by niki
written by niki
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in […]
You know what’s attractive about a self-sabotaging, incessantly angry, overly-formal asshole? Yeah, me neither. Looking back on my day, all I can see is me screwing up every single piece and part of my day. Not little fuck ups either. No, of course not. That would be forgivable and we all know I’m far beyond any kind of forgiveness. Instead, I not only ruined my day, but fucked up the lives of those around me. That’s right, folks! I’m a goddamn irredeemable piece of shit!
You know what’s funny? I can’t stand the thought of anyone loving or even liking me. It’s an absolutely abhorrent thought […]
i really hate calling you that. dad. you don’t act like one. i swore to myself five years ago that i would never call you dad or tell you that i love you ever again, yet i did, because you scared me. but i never meant it. what you did, i can never fucking forgive you. she was my best friend. we were only eleven years old. she saw you as a father, she trusted you, she trusted me and you took that away from me. i remember coming to school the next morning. it was a monday morning, and she pulled me aside before class started […]
I don’t know why, but you never seemed to give two sh*ts about me. You always cared about yourself and always expected everyone else to be perfect. No one ever measured up to your high standards. You always thought you were right about everything and that your way of doing things was the only way. You were a coward and a bully, my personal tormentor all these years. My very first memory of you was not one of a loving father, it was of you taking personal enjoyment for beating me over something that wasn’t even my fault. I tried so hard over the years […]
This is my first time writing here and also writing about this so openly. I don’t know where do I start, but I do know when will all of this ends, very soon actually. I’m on the edge now which isn’t so very surprising considering there are about millions who are like me too, some, worse than me. It saddens me that I’m just one of those millions who suffer like this, that I’m only a part of some statistics scientists conduct every year. That I’ll never be someone, I’ll just be a part of something bigger. And soon, no one will remember that I […]
Most people looking into my life would think I have everything, A happy marriage, 4 beautiful children, a good education and a decent job but….. My happy marriage is anything but happy. We’ve been together 15 years, literally half my life. He says he loves me but his actions prove otherwise. He recently reported me to police saying I was selling the pain meds I got from a doctor. Not true. Well, now police are saying I could go to prison for 20 years. I can’t prove I didn’t do this but Florida law says just having a script filled is trafficking. For the past month, I […]
I’m only 16
I should be writing
Love Letters
Not suicide notes
I’m only 16
I should be drawing
With pencils
Not with razors
I’m only 16
I should be wanting
To go out with friends
Not wanting to be dead.
if i killed myself tonight who would really care?
I have no friends. Nobody cares, if I was starving or if I was in mourning
Blood dries up. Tears do too. I have nothing, & no one cares, or is even wondering.
I hate myself enuff to cry about it daily.
I love them all so much, they’re the only pains that faze me.
I want it to be over soon. So there will be less pain.
But, my pain grows, & what was strong weakens with each day.
I’m a failure for my past, & yet each day I really try.
By the day’s end, to the distant moon I cry.
Filling the holes of my heart as I sleep;
My dreams […]
Death comes in many forms. I see it all around me. It’s lying in each others arms, and you haven’t even found me. It’s taking on my soul and left my poor heart pounding. I am losing all control. Have you come to find me drowning?
Because I smile when I can see your smile
Because Im breathing when I can see you live
Without you Im dead inside
The death is no different with what I feel without you
If I can switch my life with you
I would love too
Ill be happy to die first
Than seeing you off first
Or should I just go with you
The pain I hold
The scar I have
I cant stand with my own feet
Should I just go with you..?
My story has gotten quite a bit worse since last May and my last post. Still on felony probation. I managed to fail upward and drop dirty for weed on another like 5 tests in the last year. Got a PTR for it. Been fighting that since December. The judge was actually a sorta decent human being and told me to stop getting high and he would let me complete my probation. Asking me to stop getting high is like asking me to stop breathing. So I quit weed and started snorting dope. Heroin… I got in a car accident a while back so […]
FIrst thing first please DO NOT leave a comment saying “It’s just a boy get over it.” or anything in that category because I wouldn’t make tell you something to make you feel like your problem(s) you may be having less daunting all of our problem(s) are a big deal to us…and I would like it if you would make mine seem smaller than it is..cause it may not be big to you but it’s huge to me.
Okay…My name is Gracie,i’m 14 years old about to turn 15 in 5 months.My life has had it’s up and downs,just like the rest of you.I just can’t […]
Ever since I was 14, i’ve been depressed and wanted to kill my self. In year 12, I started getting better, I got closer to my friends and I was happier. When I started uni, I got worse, I was anxious, my family were cold, distance, and always had something to complain about. That’s when i started cutting myself. Then, for the last few months it’s been up and down. I was getting better, happier, closer to my friends, spending more time with them and talking to them when ever i felt down.
But now, I…I just don’t want to. I just don’t want to […]