I need to know how crazy I am. I cut, burn, choke myself, abuse prescription and over the counter pills, and sometimes drive with my eyes closed to see if anything will happen. Sometimes I don’t think any of this is a big deal. I’ve grown to live like this almost constantly for the past year. Other times, I find myself sobbing, wondering what I’ve become. Is this a lot of self harm compared with others? I don’t know where I stand compared with other self harmers/suicide contemplators. I don’t know if I’m alone in this level of self hatred, or if there are others […]
Category:
My Suicide Note
I’m lost. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know if this is me. I don’t even remember who I was back then when I still don’t have this fucking depression. I’m lost. I’m like a soul looking for a body. I’m frustrated. I cried. And I made another self harm scars. I was so frustrated. I always ask myself if this is me. Is this my personality? Is this how I really am? Or I’m just showing this kind of me because of other people? Who am I? What am I? I feel so lifeless. So empty. So hopeless and….lost.
“Hang in there” they say. “It will be alright” they say. “be positive” they say. “Talk to god” they say. “Don’t be so over dramatic” they say. “You’ll get through this” they say.
“I’m through” I say. “Enough” I say. “I don’t want it anymore” I say. “I can’t take it anymore” I say. “I’m done” I say….
You people ruined me… and I let myself be ruined….
At school, my friends was assigned to make a thesis about depression and they made me their subject. They asked me to be their subject and I said yes. I was nervous. I was afraid. I was afraid that some memories, those fucking hurtful devastating memories will come back. But they were my friends so I guess I’m a bit okay with it. After all those question and answer, I thought to myself, What is this? Why am I like this? How did it turn out to be like this? I didn’t choose this fucking depression. They chose me. And why me?! Why the hell […]
problems with parents. depressed. suicidal.
my mother finds every excuse to beat me, yell at me and ruin me. ive been told many times to kill myself by her, to leave, to go to an orphanage, but to mostly just die. it was terrible before but it’s only getting worse. recently she locked me outside of the house at night in below freezing weather, while it was raining and left me there for a near hour, locking the doors of the house. then, on the same day, she said to me “either i die or you die” and kicked me out of the house again for […]
I was just delt a bad hand where everything is a struggle for me. I just don’t see the good in life. I trained myself cognitive behaviors and programmed myself to continue to thrive to be productive against my own negative thinking. I have excelled in going outside my box but It’s so exhausting and Im still not happy. Still not any further than I was. There’s nothing wrong with me hating life as long as I’m productive in society. That’s what all the doctors preach right? I’m done pretending, I’m done putting up a fake face. I just want to be in a room […]
I am 26 years old. I’m married… But I’m always alone and lonely.
Because I don’t have friends. I don’t have friends since when I was 18. I want to go shopping with friends and hang out with friends…Watching a movie with friends. Talking to friends on phone.
I can’t do that.
When I feel depressed, I can’t share this feeling with anyone. So I always stay at home, laying in bed, crying and waiting for coming the morning. Please be my friend… I’m so depressed I want to talk to someone. [ my kik : YYUKGRA]
January 6th, i attemped suicide.
i took lots of medicines and drunk alcohole.
but i couldnt die… my head was just dizzy and i couldnt eat anything for few days. i did not tell anyone about this. and i wont tell anyone. but now i think i still want to die. i want to end my life.
this world sucks…
i really hate myself and no one cares about me . my family my husband they dont care about me … all they care and want is money ..
i have been trusting that one day i can have someone who loves and cares .
I tried to love myself. I tried to have confidence myself. But I couldn’t. And I can’t. I decided to kill myself as soon as possible. This is not temporary feeling. I been thinking about suicide since when I was 11. I couldn’t commit suicide because I lived with my family. Now I live by myself. So I can decide anything by myself. I’m scared of suicide. But I’m tied of pretending that everything is fine. And no one cares about me even if I cry. They don’t want to get in trouble. So they ignore. I’ve cared about friends, family … When they had […]
You Wont Break Me ..
Cuz You Just Made Me …
Stronger Than I Was ..
A year ago, when I bought my burial plot and put a deposit on my tombstone, I was certain that I was doing the right thing. I only asked God to grant me one thing, and vowed that afterwards I would be willing to carry out my end of the bargain. I was granted the time I wished. Now, that time is over and I realize I no longer have that excuse. But although I already feel lifeless, I’ve discovered that I am too much of a coward to follow through. And, I also realize that God knew all along that I wouldn’t have the […]
so my ex and I were together for a year, we did drugs all the time and I ended up in a psychosis with so many delusions that I broke up with her thinking I was being followed among many other things. I’ve wasted a lto of money, I have a shitty atar and I constantly feel like I’m fighting my own mind, each day is a tremendous struggle. it’s my brithday in 3 days and I’ll be turning 19. my ex has cut me out of her life completely, calls me a stalker and talks bad about me. My current girlfriend does not make […]
“IT”, is something that I think about all the time. Every day and every night IT is on my mind. I’m not sure if IT is something that I want to do, or something that would help relieve that darkness that I feel. IT, is a word that I can’t say without feeling sick to my stomach. I want to cry whenever I think of IT. But just for your information, “IT” = Suicide.
I’m not too sure that IT is something that I want to do. All I know is that I want to disappear. I want to disappear from my family, my friends, my […]
UPDATE: I started typing this last night when I was on the verge of killing myself. Obviously I didn’t….. But I decided to share anyways.
Here I am telling my story to strangers, that will never really know me. I could have told someone else, but she wouldn’t listen. I could have told her family, but it would have hurt them too much. It destroys me to know the amount of pain they will endure, but at what point do I get to stop suffering? I can’t carry on living in misery, just to spare everyone some pain. Life is a giant shit sandwich, and right now I’m just […]
Memories are flashing through my head constantly now like a movie stuck on replay. All of my mistakes and superficial triumphs… In an effort to escape them, I resorted to my old self-harm habits: hair pulling, scratching, biting and eye gouging… With the very hand that is trying to rip away the past reflected in the eye above, so will it end the future. I find it ironic that if I came to SP sooner, I might have not “thrown away my ex due to depression” venting on here instead. Oh well… That superficial nymphomaniac probably would have dumped me anyway since I might as […]
Warning: for those reading this, I apologize for the lengthy post. I just can’t help but feel trapped in my body. It seems I can never escape the thoughts in my mind besides when I’m sleeping. I just want to sleep forever.
Why is it always me??? Why can’t I find the happiness I so truly want and deserve? Why do I feel unwanted? Used? Betrayed? Unloved? Is something wrong with me? Maybe I’m destined to be alone forever..and if that’s the case, why am I still here? The man I love doesn’t seem to love me back… yet I’ll find any excuse to try and […]
I can’t exactly say why I even write this, I guess I want to share my story to some extent to perhaps serve someone, in some way, sometime.
Tonight will be my seventh attempt in two weeks. My ninth total for the year. It’s not that I backed out of prior attempts, they had just not worked for the most uncanny reasons. I’ve learnt my body is extraordinary strong and resilient. I am a professional fitness person which I’m sure influences this but nonetheless tonight will be it.
I have no desire to self harm, I actually want the exact opposite the cessation of pain. My life […]
I wished for stars tonight because they were the last thing I wanted to see. Of course it has to be cloudy but it don’t really matter…
My last few hours that I plan on being alive and I am spending it here on the internet….How pathetic can I get??? Just sitting here waiting for darkness to fall. I even bought some incense sticks that are supposed to smell like Christmas. Stars and the smell of Christmas, I wanted happy thoughts in my head as I died. I know this post rambles and I am sorry, I have so many thoughts going through my head right […]
I’m 30 now and still can’t Forget my father spanking me, pointing the gun to my mom’s head. My older brother and sister hitting me and hurting me, and other kids making fun of me at school. They hurt me so many times and then they ran away soon and I had to grow up as an only son. I cannot forget that I could not sleep quietly because he threatened so many times of starting a fire on our house and on me and my mom in the Middle of the night and Kill us both and himself right after. I can’t just erase […]