Okay so I’ve been dealing with a lot of emotional issues and because of those I end up acting irrationally. I try not to self-harm, because I know it doesn’t please God and it hurts my loved ones. But I am getting to the end of my rope. Today I was praying to the Lord for a sign that I shouldn’t kill myself today, but he didn’t answer. So I think maybe he is okay with me doing it, or maybe his grace has just run out for me. Either way, I should have done this a long long time ago.
Category:
My Suicide Note
See your oldest son wither away right before your eyes. I’m a parent of a 6 and 4 year old. I am a veteran who could barley stand on two feet before the military. Sprinkle some uncle sam b/s into the equation and you have damaged goods.
But as a parent…what’s it like to watch your oldest son wither away like an parched plant. I know it’s gotta be tough. I have ignored and self medicated my mental illness to the point where I am debilitated. They are old school and wounds you can’t see dont exist. Plus, being 34 on the cot in the […]
I suddenly couldn’t feel anymore. It take the adrenaline from the fight or flight response just to get out of bed in the morning. I have the opportunity to say bye as everything crumbles around me. Soon I’ll probably be admitted to the hospital if I make it that far. It pains me to wake up every morning knowing that someone else could use my wasted life to do great things.
I usually hide in hotel rooms due to not having a stable living situation. I made enough money to do so back when I was contracting for the military. Can’t afford it now. No where to hide the meltdown of drinking myself to sleeping pill after sleeping pill. This time in particular its bad. It’s more physical than it’s ever been.
I woke up this morning and didn’t go to work. I drove around in circles. I’m homeless save that I have a child in two separate locations. So I sleep on a cot during the week and a guest bed on the weekends. I have no energy and all. I only experience life through the veil of depression and utter calamity.
I’m a veteran and father of 2 small children. Thankfully their mothers/grandmothers are still around in my absence. And to be honest I’ve been absent for quite some time. I cannot remember my last genuine smile. My illness is so bad that I’ve been […]
Ive been reading suicideproject posts for many many years now, but ive never expected myself to actually post anything here.
Why would I?
You know, I have this diary.. someone told me long ago, that writing my problems down along with the current date might help me get through things. That, looking back at these problems after years, will make me realise how small they were.
My first entry was made the night I ran away, hid in the woods, cold, scared, hurt, with no one to turn to. After that, it was basically a long series of entries, it was me dealing with the whole thing, with […]
”I still love you as much as i did then which is totally a whole frikin lot! I’ll never leaveeee youuuuu because i needdddddd youuuu foreverrrr innnn myyy lifeeee (yes there is a tune to that, my own kind of tune that is) Well my sweet sweet love i’m going to sit in front of the heater my feet seem to be going nmb from the coldness. I LOVE YOU LIKE A FAT KID LOVES CAKE”
but then you left us all.
i hate this.
it’s like drowning in the ocean,
the deeper you drown,
the harder it gets to breathe,
the darker it gets to see,
the colder the water gets,
your body becomes numb,
you can no longer swim.
no matter how hard you scream,
nobody can hear you,
nobody can see you.
no matter how hard you fight the wave,
you’re too deep in the ocean,
and in the end
you get tired of trying and fighting,
you give up,
you’re all alone.
it’s frightening how calm
and peaceful it may seem from the surface,
but deadly at the same time,
because no one can tell
what’s deep […]
You might be invisible, but I can see you standing on every corner of my mind.
Do I report an invisible man?
Do I report a faceless and voiceless man?
I still remember what you did to me that year
That summer day where you ruin my life
I remember what you wanted to do with me
I remember everything, yet your face is still a blur
Who am I suppose to run from?
Who am I suppose to hide from?
I still feel you
I can feel how you pushed me against that house
Your hands were two, but they felt like two millions
I’ve officially ran out of motivation. I’m too tired and I’m sick of living. Everyone I’ve ever loved hates me and that’s okay.
My name is Niki Wonoto. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia.
I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.
Ive been betrayed, abused, mentally fucked, cheated, lied to , spied on, stolen from, robbed of happyness and all my belongings, caged in psych wards, my entire life… But it occured to me, a few years ago… That I too, live in some kind of floating box CIA prison , the same as Terry A Davis claimed he did, and explained… For over 20 years. Even in my youth, people shit on me, talk down to me, betray me. .. fuck me over… The suicide attempts, the depression, the pain i went through, the betrayals…. I never knew I lived in some kind of prison […]
People always tell me that I’m privileged, spoiled, and have a good life, that I should be grateful. But what if that is still not enough? What if I want so much more in life?
by niki
written by niki
I’m an idealist. I have big dreams, and even visions to change the world. But sadly, in reality, there are still so many factors that limit me from achieving all my dreams. Instead, here I am just being another normal, ordinary, average Joe on the street that just only do mundane, boring, & meaningless job everyday. Even worse now, this all has led me to experience an existential crisis (or existential depression), that honestly, now I don’t even have any motivation, or basically zero energy to wake up every morning, because what’s the point? What is the point of living, and what is the purpose […]
It seems to go in a bitter, vicious cycle. I take meds. I get better. I run out of meds. I don’t have financial resources to pay for the meds. I find the resources but not before I’ve “detoxed” off of paxil, buspar and doxepin. Not pleasant. Then the cycle starts over. During the time I am “detoxing”, I usually try to call it quits. I push my family further away. I retreat into myself. I haven’t worked outside my house in 3 years. The cycle starts over. I’m tired of this cycle. I want out, I want it to end. I am […]
I don’t know why I feel like this. I feel worthless. My ex has ruined me, and I cant move past that anytime soon. I can’t do any of my work for school…I’m 3 weeks behind. I just wanna fucking die. My ex just up and left, No explanation no closure. I’m a pathetic excuse of a son and brother, I can’t even do the simple thing of doing my schoolwork, I rarely leave my room and If I do its to grab food/ride around outside. I’m not sure what the point of my writing this is. I plan on writing my note soon. I […]
“I don’t believe in luck! I create my own luck!”. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in life.
by niki
written by niki
A friend of mine used to tweet a phrase that always sticks with me: “Some people are lucky, some people are not.” That was some years ago, and the more I live now, the more I see (& realized/learned) that it’s true. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in their lives. Or in life, for all that matters. I don’t know and I’m not sure if it’s due to the meritocracy thing (“If you work hard, you WILL succeed/reach success!”), or if it’s due to the ‘positive/optimistic’ self-help culture/trend/hype that is literally almost everywhere nowadays, etc etc. But I think it’s […]
In feb of this year i cut my radial artery in my wrist. I just lost my best friend my twin flame my guy. Never got to say goodbye or sorry. I have had many suicide atrempts unfortunately but this one amd the one previous should have been the last. I dont remember doing it i just remember holding my arm i realizing it was bad cause it was squirting like in the movies. . My first thought was not to get help it was to proceed to get into the bath tub and let it happen. Not sure how much time passed but i […]
No matter what you go through in life you always hear, “It will get better”. It didn’t and it won’t. I have no one to turn to and no one who would even care at this point. It’s not that I’ve ruined all of my friendships or I’m particularly mean, I’m just forgettable. I’m the person who will never be the favorite friend but would do anything for the people around me. Even my family I try to impress throughout all the abuse, sexual assault and negligence, I faced as a child I’ve still always tried to strive for their approval. In friendships, betrayal has […]
To: Sister with a flower in the head
You are really greedy huh? You have been living well, have many friends, have lovely boyfriend, have your youth life without studying, hang out friends, eating good food, top three doctor college, but still you said you are jealous of me…
You said its not enough and you still need 1% of my happiness. How can you be so cruel as a sister huh? You want to play music like me, you want to be loved by parents like me, like me, like me, like im living with the best live more than yours.
Everyone can see even […]
It’s simple and I’ve come to accept that my life is a failure. I agree that not every living body has the ability to play this game. “Living” (game of life)
Mentally and physically the older you get the less you can control. What boosts your chances of having success is adopting early to the challenges we typically face has humans. Being social enough to have friends, learn to speak with strangers. Work hard and bring value to share with your family. Express emotions with the opposite sex to love and protect.
Ive took it all for granted.. didnt bother to learn from my […]