I was doing fine up until last week when I ran out of my anti-psychotic medication, risperidone. It was treating my suicidal and homicidal thoughts. I was even looking for a job and got an interview But now, I ran out and can’t do any of that because my thoughts have come back again. It only costs €14 but my parents can’t give me that money as they’re abroad and left me for a month. Damn, life’s hard.
Rants
So yeah, fell in love, another bullshit story of a broken heart, yadda yadda yadda.
To keep things short, what I know think I must do is to get away from this person for a little while at least, so I can get a little better and whatnot. After all, I think it would be great to take care of myself for once in a lifetime. Right now, the only thing I want to do is to go on with my life. I’ve grown too apathetic to really care about most things that could happen next.
But, is it the correct thing to do? I wouldn’t wanna […]
If I am writing here right now, I guess it means I have come to a breaking point. I just can’t take this crap so I will get it off my chest. Second, sorry for my English, it’s just too bad.
I have been trying to beat all this crap for 15 years already. 15 years of sadness and tiredness with some anger. But during the last month, something has changed. All I feel is pure blind anger because there is no way out of this.
You can get the picture. Ignored, alone, everyone treats you like shit, no money, more and more tired, more and more […]
Hello again. Third times the charm I guess.
Since the last post I have tried all my efforts to recover and improve myself mentally and career wise. I got two jobs that I’m excited for (or maybe was, I’ll explain in a bit) and I finally was taking steps towards going to see a gender therapist to make a realistic transition timeline. So nothing can go wrong to where I can keep on living through even the toughest times right? (Spoiler alert: it all went wrong.)
Let me take you back about two years ago. At a new environment with no one I was familiar with, I […]
Have you ever thought about doing something so unforgettable?
Something that you cannot fix after pulling the trigger.
This isn’t the kind of thing you can say “I’m sorry” afterwards because if you do it there won’t be nobody to say these words.
Well, what is it? You will have to figure it out since I can’t say those words out loud.
Sometimes I feel that my life is like a graveyard of buried hopes since that’s where all my dreams like to go.
It is getting harder to breath
Harder to sleep
Harder to think
Harder to live
It´s hard for me to explain […]
Im not okay these days.. its been 3 days..
Too much thing triggering me..
These things.. the reason why Im being like this
Im still walking my days and work as always
But inside I feel not okay.. really not okay
I pretend to be okay and I cant say anything to anyone
Its just I become lazy again and getting pissed off easily
But even if Im geting pissed off.. I dont show it because im too lazy to quarrel about that
Ughh
Ughhhhhh
Ughhhhhhhhh
I need to get back…
Who am I?
currently in the bathroom, holding the razor in my hand trying not to cut, i’m eighty-something days clean and i can’t do it anymore. i’m not who i am anymore, i don’t even know myself anymore. it hurs, it really does, the pain i cause myself is more painful than the pain this razor causes. i’m. a. monster. and i can’t help but think of it every single day, think of how much i’ve changed and how much everyone i know hates it, hates ME, hates who i became. i want the old me back, please. i’ll do anything, but please don’t let […]
Wonder what spectacular, momentous events are taking place right now in places out of human reach. As I go about my days fretting over my sorry lot – lack of money, poor health, sucky job, low social status, zero relationships, no dreams and pathetic desires, there is something grand happening far out above, unconscious of me. Planets are floating, comets zipping by, stars exploding, molten lava furiously churning, gas clouds sparkling with the birth of stars, chaos amidst silence. Eternal unlike my time on earth and infinite unlike the ground I amble upon.
Sure they’re just dead matter whereas I’m a sentient Human of the 21st […]
Hi, I’m new here. I’ve been reading the post and all of you are so brave, I don’t even think I’ll post this on here. And I am sorry for the cursing, if I don’t remember to fix them, I am just too overwhelmed today, and I just want to die now! I fucked up, I truly fucked up, and all of you would tell me that it’s okay, but I don’t think it is okay. I messed up very badly. I have something wrong with me, I can feel it in my bones, and in my mind. I have something wrong with me. I […]
I just turned 29. I’ve accomplished nothing with my life. Because I’m a useless piece of shit. I have Borderline PD. I just got diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I have PTSD due to an abusive mother who never loved me. I am facing imminent homelessness. no job, no where to go. Will probably die on the streets this winter. I have a friend who is also facing homelessness. I love him dearly, but I feel like I can’t help him and that i’ll let him down. Or that I’m just a liability to his success. I just don’t see or feel any hope anymore. […]
So, I posted on here about 10 years ago. When I felt I had no where to turn. I’m there again. 10 years later. I have two beautiful children, a third on the way… a husband who I am sure does love me very much.. but why can’t I just be happy????
If it wasn’t for this child I’m carrying I honestly think I would have put a bullet in my head tonight. I keep thinking, for hours now, that I’ll have him or her – nurse them for a year or so… just long enough to see them develop with the beginnings of their own […]
It’s 4:30 in the morning and no one will listen to my stupid nonsense. It’s been a little over a year since my last post on here and I’m basically in the exact same boat still. I’m still bald at 20, I haven’t had sex in 4 years, I’m down to just a handful of friends, and now to throw an even bigger wrench in my plot, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m trans which is exactly what I need living in rural New York. I know my friends care about me cause they still won’t let me die no matter how […]
Suicide is not a joke. Simple as that. So why is it that some people have to go out and make a joke if it? And I’m not talking just like people saying they wanna kill themselves as an expression when something inconvenient happens because I do that too. I mean things like what happened today.
Mum talking to this guy and he really really likes me but I don’t really so our conversations are fairly one sided. I wasn’t talking to him because I said I was busy which I was, then an hour later he texts me again and said he was sorry but […]
Before you make that first cut, remember:
You will find the blood and pain realise addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren’t deep and will heal easily, they will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal. And years for the scars to fade. If you think you can limit the cutting to one part of your body, think again. It will spread when you run out of skin. You’ll find yourself cutting in places you would never think of. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in constant state of shame. Even if […]
Going to college has always been my dream but after 1 year I can’t afford it and I refuse to work my ass off in a minimum wage slavery job until the day I die. There is absolutely no happiness in this world without a degree and without the money that comes with it, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to serve stuck up pricks burgers for the rest of my life I REFUSE!
The financial aid office offers no help to independent students and my drunk deadbeat dad cannot cosign a single loan for me, and I have no biological mother in the […]
I still remember the reason why you become couple with your girlfriend
Its because she is the one who told you first that she likes you
Because she is brave enough
And she is the one who help you forget about me
But when you walk your days with her you realize that you cant forget me
You guess that she dump you because you never there for her
You never search her or ask her day
She always reach you first
Yes she didnt say the reason why she dump you
Are you going to repeat your fault again
I think you will
And […]
I already give you chance
2 times
But you ignore me
2 times
Dont blame me if you lose me
Dont regret your choice
Im not going to back to you
Im going to go far away
Far faar away
Dont hold me back
Dont tell me you love me
Cause love is not like this
Or at least this is not the love I want
I think
Maybe you are the one
But even if its true
This is not the future i want
You only give more pain and loneliness to my heart
I dont want to suffer more because of you
Its enough for me
I know I’m not alone. There are many people in my life who love me and I hold them dear to me. They always make it clear that they are here for me, but why do I not feel it? Why do I still feel so lonely at times. Laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. 11:59 p.m. on a school night. Darkness fills the empty silence in my room. Do they not feel the way I do at this very moment? Laying here with this empty feeling and no motivation to even move in the slightest. My mind can’t even race because it […]
We all constantly search for things in life that make us happy. Something or someone to bring us genuine joy. I search for that out of so many people. I see the potential and possibilities that lay deep within them waiting to come out. I want to see the best in people and help them as best as I can. When I reach out to receive the same help that I give, however, it’s pushed away. My mental health is too much for people and no one wants to keep trying for me the way I try for others. I search so hard for that […]
Four years later, I am here; thankful that I didn’t give up, that i didnt end it when i thought that was my only option. I reread some of my posts and i remember vividly what that time was like but to anyone reading, to anyone searching for a sliver of hope to hold on to: this is for you. An overused cliche line i used to hate is “it gets better”, I always thought it was just a stupid expression, a common courtesy. But it does truly get better, it wont be easy and it wont be fast; it takes time – […]