Rants

I have been alive for 9,230 consecutive days. At least what one can call the term, considering I’m breathing, having a heartbeat and I’m capable of forming my own thoughts. An inner life;an outer life;never felt alive-kind of deal. 5,215 days ago, I had made utter peace with mortality. In fact, I couldn’t wait to face it with all that I’ve had.

3,435 days ago, I had found understanding for that kind of thinking and I could move within a hidden space the way, I was supposed to for all my life. Unfortunately for me, everyone grew up. Except… Me. Things, a therapist can’t hear: “I […]

Some thoughts are causing me extreme pain, they won’t go away. I have gained weight, due to medication and I also eat like crazy. It’s gotten out of control, I used to do exercise at home and eat only particular things. I think my bad mentality got me addicted. I have given up a long time ago.

I do maybe know what I am going to study with my 25 years of meaningless existence oh so far. That’s a first for me. But I cannot imagine going out all the time. It’s so stressful for me, because I find myself revolting. I can’t handle any more […]

Lately I have been thinking about “The Butterfly Effect”, If I made the slightest difference in choice a while back would I be somewhere completely different than I am now? If I chose not to do something as simple as pick up a penny one day would everything around me be different? If I didn’t make a tiny choice at some point in my younger years would I live in the same state? Would I be making straight A’s instead of failing? With a small choice I made, did that cause this sequence of events in my life. Because of a few minor things that may have […]

It’s just one of those days to research ways to kms. No one knows how exhausted I am. I’ve hit rock bottom today and it feels as though I’m not going to get up any time soon. The worst is, that my doctor won’t write me up to take time off anymore. Well, I guess that sucks to everybody else. I’m not getting out of the house unless absolutely necessary. I can’t care about anybody’s needs anymore. I’m in a constant goose chase and I have nothing to show for it.

I could use a little weed or maybe some alcohol. its been a lot lately I been taking 2 Benadryl each day two sleep all day at school since im gonna fail anyways. I need a break. It would be nice if I could just pause time for a little while. I keep thinking I am going to try harder and I do for a little while but I just keep going back down. Can’t seem to ever catch up. All I ever do is sleep and work. Some times if I feel like it i’ll play my piano. I don’t play video games like […]

I took like 70 pills over the span of 2 nights. (20 one night and 50 the next). I did extensive research on what does not react well with eachother and how much can kill you. I took like more than that 7 of of each kind. I took Xanax, Oxycodone,          10 of Adderall, Prozac, Lexapro, Percocet, and some others I can’t quit remember the name of them though. So why did some 13 year old get to OD on Benadryl and I was only in the ICU for three days. Im only a few years older than him. He didn’t even […]

I feel kinda off after the talk I’ve had with a psychiatric outpatient clinic. I feel like, she didn’t really understand my limitations on how I struggle with life and what treatment I’d be willing to do. She kept shoving her clinic onto me. I’ve looked at it years back and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it.

To her, a stationary psycho clinic is like vegetating away and not grasping the problem. What the hell, I bet lots of people wouldn’t even consider getting help like that. I don’t wanna be a Debby-Downer but I have the feeling, no one really understands, how […]