It bothers me that nobody really mentions the empty part of depression. I’m talking about the times where there’s not actually anything wrong, nothing is happening but at the same time I feel so depressed it physically hurts my heart.
It’s so silly though. To think that something simple like brushing my teeth or putting on socks seems like such a daunting task. Everything feels so heavy all at once but at the same time, I can’t feel anything.
It’s embarrassing too.
I try keep it under control, but there are times where I’ll go five or more days straight without showering just because […]
Category:
Rants
I guess if i told the people around me that I’m depressed and suicidal, they would say I’m too young to know what that means. I no longer have a backup plan, for the method I dreamed so longingly about found its way to be as torturous as life. Yeah, I’ve done my research.
Things used to be easier when I didn’t have someone to disappoint. And then my stupid ass decided to fall in love, and I basically tell him everything. We’re dating? Fun. Half the time I feel guilty for lying to my parents about him and the other half is spent feeling […]
Just started the new school year and most of my friends weren’t treating me like one. They’d say no to hanging out, no to anything they shut down all conversation I tried to make. This went on for the first week and I dumped then all
I feel horrible. I don’t think I did anything that bad to all of them
And it’s not like they were in a bad mood they were friendly and shit to each other
I’ve known them all since like primary..nfjcnxmxmxmxnslssk.
I have lost what mental fortitude I have. I feel like my life has only served to hurt others and am just two cowardly to kill myself. I have a objectively good life which I don’t deserve. I have friends who put up with me out of the kindness of their hearts but whom I know I drag down every time I see them. I see every day that I am a burden to my family and my only wish in life is to be of some use somehow. I am unintelligent, and this only burdens others further, as they have to constantly keep me […]
Tomorrow is my seventeenth birthday. Technically it’s in 1 hour, 23 minutes, and 7 seconds.
I should be happy, grateful even.
I don’t really know if I am allowed to be underwhelmed, but that’s the truth.
I feel so selfish for not wanting to celebrate or do much. I’m not trying to, but in reality I’ll just end up ruining it for everybody. My heart is as heavy as stones, and it’s dragging people down with me.
What a bummer, I know.
I wish the world was prettier than it actually is.
I feel so extinguished and saddened because I wish, I just wish I was in a different universe than this.
One that isn’t filled with so much rage and aggression and anguish and despair and horrible awful miserable devastation and loneliness.
I long for a world that is liberating. A place full of color and beauty, dreamers, adventure, peace, kindness, and simple joy from the sheer kiss of freedom.
A world without the constricting pressure of society and the absurdity of our social network. I wish this world weren’t so judgmental, so hateful, […]
i feel like its just a constant back-and-forth between a life that’s tolerable and one that is absolute misery. i’ve gone this entire day speaking to nobody in-person, just stewing in my own thoughts as i try to get things finished around the house. i’m doing everything right, i’m practicing healthy coping skills and eating better and exercising and i have people in this world to live for but i just want to wipe it all away so i can disappear without it hurting anyone
it’s been this way for years, and i just don’t get the point anymore of enduring this constant psychache. i didn’t […]
Honestly I don’t think I have much room to talk seeing as everyone is so tired these days, but I really am tired. Worn out. Exhausted.
I wont kill myself though, I can’t. I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with it, but If I were to die I wouldn’t be upset.
Whenever a topic like suicide is brought up, my mother often makes comments or tells me how much of a coward that person is. That it’s not brave. I don’t know if I agree or not. I never have known, I’m too indecisive. Even with small things like […]
Let it go. Go ahead. You don’t deserve what’s happening to you but that doesn’t mean you should stop being nice. You can find joy in spreading it to others, and while some may find it fun to bring you down, it slowly destroys their soul. I don’t have anyone to tell my feelings to. Talk with your consciousness. It’s okay, Trust this struggle is part of the process. And trust that as long as you don’t give up and keep pushing forward, no matter how hopeless things seem… you will make it.
Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that […]
I get attached easily and I hold on to things tightly so please don’t let my mind want things that I can’t handle dont let my mind trick me into wanting things I don’t need or things that are not good for me, please don’t let my heart miss people who don’t miss me. Don’t let my heart long for the ones who left. Don’t let my heart fall in love with someone who doesn’t want to stay.
I know you’re plan is un, known but until you reveal it to me. PLEASE make it easier. Don’t let me hold on to what I need to […]
Recently I’ve accepted and begun to better understand that the road to recovery has ups and downs, but relapses suck. Like, really, really suck.
I was having a terrible day. The worst one I’d had in a while, and that’s saying something. I guess I got overwhelmed with the assignment in front of me so I decided to go to the bathroom and just as I arrived, the old friends I used to do things with practically materialized out of thin air like an awful calling card.
Now, i’m a fairly neutral person. I don’t make very many friends, but I don’t make enemies either. Needless to […]
trying to maintain my mental health thru someone
someone that love me and know my story
weve been together since 2010
from a friend to best friend to love
from cheerful to depressed version
started to
loving myself
grooming myself
looking into the bright side
trying to be better
but i
afraid to be in relationship
relationship is a frail thing
break like a glass
cant be forever
and what makes me scared the most
what if i dont love him back
what if he develop depression too
what if i fail you?
just like today
when my parents trying to take the mental health stability i earned and […]
lately every time i take a step forward, something throws me back 3 steps. [background; long story short, my father killed himself when i was 5, i blamed myself, mother got into an abusive relationship and got on drugs. when i was 11 i moved with my aunt, (somehow got even worse) ive had drugs pushed on me the whole time here, lots of drinking and fighting, lying to police, etc.,, i was treated like a slave and belittled by my cousins for 4 years. so so much more that i cant even begin to explain.] The first time i tried to kill myself was […]
Dear mom; I wish you could see what was really going on with me, i wish you could see the truth on what is wrong with me… I wish you knew that you’re the reason I’m like this, I didn’t want to be like this… you have made me feel as if i was just a big problem in your life… I’m sorry for being born.
Dear Dad; I love you dad so much you treat me better than mom but… why… why do you have to make me and my sister unconfutable? you shouldn’t be sneaking pictures of us and not tells us why… “Cheese”…. […]
Was just thinking.
Someone told me I would fall in love with anyone that fell in love with me so I started thinking about it.
I blame most of my mental problems on my mother. Idk if that’s alright. I am obsessed with the way I look and I think about it everyday, everyday the reason why I do things isn’t because I want to better myself or anything, and usually the main reason I do things is because I want to receive compliments from people in the future because I just love it when people tell me nice things…
It’s so easy to vent to people online […]
When I say that I find my existence pretty weird, I mean mildly meaningless. Mild is an understatement. The new year began with the most amount of ideations that I have ever had to deal with because of a host of reasons. One being, my parents have retired from their job and my sibling and I should be supporting the family. My sibling has a wonderful job, an amazing partner, and is trying to live her best life. But here I am, still in college, with absolutely no job, no nothing. I am doing nothing to support this family. And with the line of career […]
I’m so fucking tired. I did what all of these dickshit fucking therapists say. “Do fucking yoga”, “take deep breaths”, “see loved ones”, “eat good”. Shit I’ve done fucking all of it, and I’m still ready to blast my fucking brains out. I’m so tired of this being the constant. I’ve used up all my energy to get to the fucking point I can do all the bullshit they say you’re supposed to, but it doesn’t mean shit when you’ve already attempted a few times. Nothing fucking changes, nothing’s going to until I do myself in or something else takes me out. God fucking damn.
My birthday is coming up soon. I’ll be seventeen, but I don’t feel excited like I’m supposed to. I honestly don’t feel much at all. My big brother left recently for the military, We don’t have family here except my cousins who, mind you, aren’t blood related. I love them, but it’s not the same.
It’s just me and my parents.
I don’t mind really, but at the same time, I feel jealous when I see the kids who get to go out, or throw big parties, or do things without a care in the world.
My best friend tells me about […]
I thought telling myself im getting better
Telling you im getting better
Will actually make me feel better
But its not
Its just makes me feel lonelier more than before
Trapped in my box of lie coating with happiness
Im so sorry i choose to left this way
But even if i ask and scream for help
You wont help me
You wont be here
Only my smile and cheerful side makes you happy
Makes you closer
Guess everyone loves the sunshine
But forget about the rain in the same sky
There are so many things i should prepare for my mom, dad, sis, best friends, friends, and enemy.
But do i really need to do all of that?
Im afraid they will be sad cause im gone
But will my letter and gifts makes them understand what ive been thru or makes them less sad?
Should i jump from a building?
Should i drink the mix of drugs?
Should i cut my neck/wrist?
Im so afraid to live yet im afraid to hurt them too
At the same time
Im happy cause there will be someone crying in my funeral and to leave this painful feeling
Ive been […]