my life has been going rather fine! we moved into a new house and i’ve been helping out a lot with home improvement stuff and cleaning out our yard and planting stuff! i got a garden growing and some flowering blooming.. we have so many plans for this house.. it’s overwhelming, but in a fun way. me and my brother seem to stay out of eachother’s way, but he’s still an asshole time to time, but that’s it.
but another thing always comes again to ruin it.
about two years ago, i went through a breakup over call when i was venting to my […]
Category:
Rants
I have these wounds that can be sealed,
leaving these marks that keep.
But the wounds can never be healed,
They were way too deep.
The confidence I lack,
The damage that has been done,
Trying to fight against the attack,
when I am less than one,
I can’t breath at all.
The version of myself I want but can’t be,
Because I put up a wall,
Helping the self destruct that is me.
Im not in control of my own head anymore. I haven’t been in a while. Depression has taken over. I’ve been making friends with it.
I had a great shift at work yesterday then I got home and once I got in my room I just started crying. I HATE CRYING. I never wanna cry again.
I have these small little moments of excitement but its a fleeting feeling. It never lasts for very long
I got screamed at that I didn’t get my mom a coffee when I place an online order, even though I only had enough money in to get my own. She screamed at […]
I hate that i’m always lonely. I hate that I push people away. I hate that I feel like I could snap at any moment. I hate that I have MDD, DMDD, GAD, and ADD. I hate that I hate myself.
ughhh why? why am I here. I don’t understand. Ive got a bottle of rum so I think im just gonna drink to my hearts content until I pass out.
I want to be with someone who makes me feel good. Somebody who is funny and will make me smile. Someone who will be there when i’m down. Someone I can do all those same things for in return. I know i’m not good enough though I am going to be lonely forever.
Depression has ruined everything. when something is peaceful its only for a few moments. Then everything goes to shit again. I get annoyed and start pushing people away. I don’t realize I’ve been pushing everyone away until Im really low. Its the same cycle over and over and over. one big endless cycle.
I had an urge to end it all the other day. I don’t know why I Didn’t.
Im so lonely and I just want a relationship where somebody cares about me. Someone who shares my interests and who will make me smile and laugh. But how can somebody love me when I don’t love […]
all theses thoughts inside my head. all this pain. all these things make me wish I were dead. my brain is destroying myself from the inside out. any stability I had left is withering away. at the moment there is no peace, no happy, no joy. all the things that drive me crazy.
Im never gonna escape the self destruct area because it IS ME. I feel I am slowly and subconsciously destroying my relationship with my mom. I never wanna talk anymore. Talking to people annoys me. Im failing all my classes and my mom just wants to withdraw me from school till next year. I hate high school. Its like there’s instructions in my brain to self destruct my life and I can’t stop it. Im falling towards rock bottom and and occasionally land on ledges that break my fall But its only for a moment Then the ledge crumbles out from under me.
My friend can fall asleep in midst a second, even during our conversations and already at like 9 pm, while I lay awake in bed for hours until the birds start to sing at 4 am. I’m such a night crawler and society screws me because of it. I’d like to see the successful morning people stay up til 7 am like I do *sigh* sadly there’s nothing for me out there.
I’d like a chance to see, whether I’d be happier when living and working at night. Maybe my depression really depends on this. I’m tired all the time, I stress myself because I need […]
I don’t know what or why…what do I want, why do I do? There’s an illusion of self assurance, I’m assertive, so far high achieving but lost. Studying at a world leading university but now I flounder. Not necessarily because what I do is pointless or hard -often it seems both- but because what do I want to do in life? Medical difficulties compound the work difficulties, a perpetuating cycle of mounting stress. A look at what I enjoy…the activities and hobbies seem so unimportant but they’re still more fulfilling than the hollowness of academia or a “cog job” where I don’t really matter. Consumption […]
I was on my laptop and my algebra teacher told everyone to close their computers. I did not. he called my name and said CLOSE YOUR COMPUTER. He said aloud so the whole class could hear “this is your third warning and see class I should not have to give you 3 warnings.” uuggghh no actually you stupid fuck it was my first warning. You teach algebra for fucks sake, you should know how much 3 is. (Obviously I didn’t say that.) So I open up my computer just to finish the quiz I was working on from another class real quick. He yells at […]
Before I rant I’m just gonna give a brief backstory because why the fuck not :). [So long story short me and my sister suffered a lot of mental and some physical abuse from my Dad and when I was 12 a restraining order between us and him was put in place, which he didn’t try to even fight because he doesn’t care (I haven’t seen him since)].
Anyways So my aunt died a couple weeks ago. (Aunt = Dads brothers wife) I didn’t have a close relationship with her mainly because I don’t remember her before she had a stroke and brain aneurysm and lost […]
I hate and am ashamed of myself. I will never be able to be the perfect version of me that I expect myself to be. I dont even know why I always want to seem perfect and appear strong in front of people when inside I feel worthless and wish the worst to myself. It’s all an act, my life is like a super long and boring theater play staring a main actress that can’t even act properly.
I want to run away and hide from everyone. Live in a little farm or in the woods.. Next to a lake would be ideal. I don’t […]
oohhh my god. every morning is craziness. I’ts always “Why can’t you get ready faster” “Why do you sleep in so late” “I’m only trying to help you” “I’m disappointed in you”. I am bombarded by all this shit when I get up and I say “can we please have a peaceful morning just once?” and she says “Oh I know let me walk on eggshells because god forbid anyone hurts you’re one feeling”. I’ts got nothing to do with hurting my feelings, I’ts the fact that I am always doing something wrong. I know I should realize that it’s always going to be that […]
I am loosing my mind. I hate high school and I hate people. Everyday is so draining. everybody has been getting on my last nerve. I had to start working less shifts at my job because im so tired. Everyday is the same cycle of bullshit 1.wake up 2.get ready 3.go to school 4.deal with the same annoying people 5.deal with teachers who are in a shitty mood because these kids behave so shitty towards them. 6. go home and get Lectured about how I need to do better. its the same thing every day. its exhausting. and my mom wonders why I drank. […]
I just don’t know. I’m so far behind in school work. I am so behind in everything. I lack a lot of the social skills I need to make it. I am not sure when it started. When I started giving up. I think I don’t do anything anymore because I have already failed the school year, so what’s the point in trying. I keep saying I’ll try harder but I don’t.
I don’t know when I started drinking but it’s become a thing. I realized that I just take whatever I can […]
I feel like at this point, I’m starting to accept that whatever is going on with me probably won’t ever go away.
No matter how much I wish it would or how much I plead for happiness, or beg for something, anything better, It’s not going anywhere.
A couple years back in my freshman year of high school my mother believed I was suicidal, but I don’t think that was the case.
I don’t think I’ve ever really been suicidal, but I do fantasize about death.
If I were to die, would it matter? It’s only another part of life, and the world keeps […]
Y’know, sometimes I feel like I wasn’t meant to born. I think I’m defective. I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me or whatever but I just can’t seem to do anything right.
I don’t fit in with anyone and I can’t make friends because I don’t understand anything. I don’t get why people act the way they do, talk the way they do, or dress the way they do. I feel like a fucking idiot because I’m always out of the loop. I’m the one that never gets it. Everyone else is in on the secret and I’m sitting in the next room […]
I’ve been on this site for awhile, hah.
I really hit rock bottom. Nothing I do helps.
I just hope my partner will still love me even through this all.
I am not a child anymore.
I have not seen or spoken to these people in years.
They do not affect me. They SHOULD not affect me. They have NO bearing on my life— I need them out of my head. I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to REMEMBER any of it, because it DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE.
I don’t want to keep revisiting these things, unbidden. I have long since removed myself from the source, but somehow it keeps following me in my mind, creeping in without rhyme or warning.
It should not take so long to rid my body of […]