tonight when i arrived from work, i was welcomed by silence and lights out, which meant everyone was asleep. i was not surprised, considering i just got here and it’s 11:10 pm. even though i understand why they’re asleep, considering it’s a Tuesday night, i still know that deep down i wish they were waiting for me. but they don’t care that much, and i understand that. i’ve felt very anxious all day, and i don’t know why, considering last night i tried to get more sleep than usual. it’s weird. speaking of weird; today is the birthday of an old friend of mine. she […]
Rants
Misery loves company
I lack company. All my 16 years it seems I’ve ever only known misery. I spend my time faking my happiness and crying alone in my room. I’m tired of being lonely. I’m not even bold enough to end it. *sigh* I just wish I had someone around me who even slightly knew this pain.
you know those days where you wake up and decide you will definitely enjoy that day? you decide you’re going to do anything you can to feel happy and do everything you always put off. you feel determined and excited. today was supposed to be one of those days. since yesterday wasn’t the day off i would’ve liked it to be, i decided to try my best and have an acceptable day today. it didn’t particularly work, and i’m not surprised.
numbness is a very strange feeling. at first, you don’t understand it; but after a while, you forget how you felt before. what it […]
(I wrote this a few days ago, so now I’m down to 25 days)
“I have always heard that you should never make a decision based on a whim, and that if you are in doubt, sleep on it, before deciding. Considering the magnitude of terminating my own life, I decided to sleep on it quite a bit- I’ll give it a whole month.
My reasoning for this decision is not actually all that important. There has been a building pattern of unhappiness in my life, and one event was finally the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. It was not the “reason” but merely the […]
I felt today didn’t start so good. I told my two friends I didn’t want to hang out because I was in a depressed mood (told them I didn’t feel well) and I had to clean. But they ended up showing up at my house anyways. I agreed to go but I told my sisters not to come even though my friends asked them to come (I get jealous and lonely when I, my sisters and my friends hang out together.. all they do is pay attention to them.. but that’s another story). The whole time I felt horrible. Horrible for not letting my sisters […]
Life has been such a huge freaking struggle and I feel like I’m done. The chronic pain I suffer from, my sick family, my failure as a person, I’m sick of it. I’m tired of living…but, I’m not positive I want to die.
I’m kind of convincing myself not to off myself by challenging the concept of suicide. You see right now, when I think about suicide I ask myself how my corpse will look, or how others will react as well as the bliss of nothingness. If I was going to really commit suicide, I’d have to stop caring about superficial aspects of my postmortem […]
Okay before I give you any details in what’s happening now, let me start by saying me and this person have had beef together in the past. And.. we both liked each other.. not to sure we both like each other anymore. If you want to know about some of the past issues I have had with him check a few posts from 2016.
Moving on…
So the other night on snapchat I saw him making very concerning posts. Stuff like “I wish I died before the ambulance arrived at my house,” “I already know I’m not wanted, don’t have to remind me,” so on an so […]
Myself included, I tolerate my existence I don’t like it at all. What’s the point then? Why tolerate it? And even worse if you know you can’t fix it, like I KNOW I can’t fix me, the fact while my peers live their life I’m trying to work at being mentallly ready for life falling further behind day by day, just to be a different me, can you be a different you? Really what’s the point of getting out of bed and looking at […]
When I look back upon my life, I see the many pitfalls I otherwise naively walked into. All the potential and talent wasted because I had convinced myself it would be a worthless endeavor. I never believed I was intelligent even when I heard it said of me. I had thought, if I am so smart – then why does it all seem so dumb? Why were others so capable of being satisified in the struggle of accomplishing something? All I wanted was to be distracted. Distracted from what was wanted, needed, desired, and/or demanded of me. Not that I wanted to become lazy, or […]
I don’t want to be suicidal. I don’t want to feel as though the only way to make things better for everyone is through my absence. But that’s always where I seem to end up.
Too many feelings all at once
I don’t know how to stop
Wish it would end
I don’t want to be here
It hurts to be alive
It hurts to hurt you
I’m tired of trying, of being, of
Why can’t I be normal??!?!??!!?!??!!?!??!?!?
What is my purpose
Why am I here
Jumbled thoughts running through my head
Just keep living
One more day
Make it to the next
I am calm
The storm has passed
More like locked away
But we don’t talk about that
I never talk […]
Many things can happen in life,
This I know.
But what do you do,
When the pain is to much to bare.
You hurt yourself,
And call It fair,
You tell yourself that it is your you fault,
That you should have cared.
Now it’s to late.
I didn’t think it would happen to me. At all. Why would it happen? That is what I don’t understand, he tries to help, and I know he cares. It hurt him too, but why? Why does it hurt? Why am I so upset? The baby, can I […]
I feel like everything is working against me right now. I feel very tied down, and I want to run away. I have responsibilities, and I have a path planned for my future, and I have goals I need to achieve to reach that future. But they aren’t what I want to do. They don’t make me happy. They don’t bring me satisfaction. I like writing — a lot. I like writing stories about people who would literally be considered my alter ego. If I could sit and write all day, every day, for hours and hours on end, there is no doubt in my […]
Is there a God?
I’m angry. I wish there was a God. Something that gives me hope. I wish I could have that comfort from believing.
But I know there is no God.
I keep being told that I’m doing a good job, only been critiqued on one thing, but then well I wasn’t in trouble or anything like that. He said he wants to focus on zoning things in the store, since that was my strong point, and that we have too many employees and the plants have enough water due to the rain.
I’ve worked too many jobs to know where this heading, Yeah, they’re going to soften the blow, this is why I never believe the good comments, then they’ll laid you off because you were not needed enough for the company. I have noticed that […]
Sometimes its just frustrating to keep on with the uphill battle is all. Been in highs and lows and while the lows are particularly bad they arent like how they used to be.
Regardless, its still really fucking frustrating when ya actually try to do what you’re supposed to and it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. Keeping up with the doctors, actually giving a shit bout my general health. Even trying to manage or eliminate stress factors in my life but im still battling these hallucinations and voices.
Sometimes something does get to me but its really easy to squash those worries if I ACTUALLY […]
My life has always been a living hell. Grew up in a dysfunctional family. Suffered a lot of verbal abuse and some physical. It was so bad my friends were scared to come over. That started when I was 8 years old and all that time beforehand, I had a normal childhood. It was when my mom got the new boyfriend shit changed which was when I was 8 and so forth. I was a smart kid and I considered myself smart. A and B student through high school. Had high self esteem. Didn’t have too many friends which didn’t bothered me. Lack of friends […]
don’t you dare compete with other peoples pain. since when is this a competition??? reading other comments on tons of posts saying that other people have it worse, that someone is hurt more than others, blah blah blah.
fun fact: EVERYONE HURTS. accept it. help each other and we can all grow stronger together.
belittling someone else’s pain isn’t gonna make you feel better. and, why do you wanna be the one to “hurt more” anyways? wouldn’t u typically consider that an.. idk.. bad thing?
sorry im hella emotional right now and i got kinda mad. sorry friends i love you all, this is just my opinion. have […]
When I was a kid I wanted nothing but to get to my teenage years.
I wish I didn’t rush growing up.
Now it feels like a chore to just get out of bed in the morning. I still go to bed hoping I don’t wake up the next morning. I would love to go back to those childhood days when everything was okay.
I sometimes wish this was all just a dream. I’m tired of being where I am now, but I can’t go to anyone for help or I’ll be told I am only seeking attention.
I tried calling for help, and yet no one listened.
All my […]
I can never have any real friends. All I attract is perverts everywhere I go saying that they’re my friend, more like hoping to be a friend with benefits. Nobody cares about what I have to say or what I like. I might as well walk around saying, “Blah, blah, blah, look at my tits” over and over again. People are going to group me into that category of sluts, even though I don’t put out. I get sexualized every where I turn, and people wonder why I hate sex so much. Why I don’t want to go out anymore? Can never look a man […]
I went to group yesterday and today with a bag of clothes to go to the hospital. Yesterday, I could not bring myself to talk to the therapist. I have been on my phone every night with two and three different crises lines. But I always say that I will be safe even with the racing thoughts and plans to attempt suicide.
Today, I asked the therapist how do you push across the point of knowing you need help to actually taking it. She told me that the only person who could answer that question was the one asking it. She thanked me for coming to […]