You used your words, I used my heart. I became unheard, you became a dart. I reached out, you pushed away. I started to doubt but I was forced to stay.
Growing a flower, supposed to be a blessing. but you had the power. And I was left stressing..
Far from family , no one but you,
Loss of gravity, my hatred grew.
You where supposed to be my happy ending, but this chapter was just beginning.
My flower blossomed, she is so beautiful, I became cautioned, you grew so pitiful. Yelling and abusing, but with no bruising. I tried to flee, your family didn’t […]
Category:
Rants
I can’t escape the situation I’m in where I’m stuck with some shit up relatives who I can’t cope with. Sick of hearing their bossy-shit-who-thinks-they’re-perfect voices. I can’t keep bottling everything up inside me. I think I may just snap and kill them unconsciously. But my suicidal tendencies are stronger. Only thing stopping me from doing it is the lack of how to. I could just stab myself or just jump from our not so high rooftop but a part of me keeps telling that if I survive that shit I’ll be even in deeper shit. Tried to find a suicide group so that I […]
They ask me tell them everything and now I’m crazy. I tell them about my sadness. I tell them about my self loathing. I tell them about my secret desires to be dead. I tell them about this black pit I’m in.
They tell me I’m crazy
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I have a friend who listens and understands. But I don’t know what is wrong with me. I can go from being perfectly fine to being absolutely not fine in the blink of an eye. I dont know why. I can’t control it. I feel guilty for this. Even though I have a friend who listens I do not always want to share as I am scared of becoming a burden. What is wrong with me and how can I be normal?????
I feel the need to write here, because i’m back. back in this place I foolishly thought I could escape. I thought I could stop myself from drowning in my own head, but I can’t. I guess you could say this drop back into the abyss started with the first time I ever felt like this, but that’s another story for another time.
I feel this deep sorrow within myself, it always comes back. I find myself staring out the window at dawn, the soft pitter-patter of rain hitting the ground, the roof, and the trees. I find myself looking at the sky, which has a […]
i think its funny that people use suicide as a joke
when its the cause of so many peoples deaths
i find it funny that nobody fucking cares until youre already dead.
“she was beautiful” why didnt you tell her that before she was gone?
“she was so nice” then why did she never get a second glance from you?
” she deserved better” then why werent you the one to give her better? what, it wasnt your place? you didnt know? maybe you wouldve if youd given her that second glance.
im so tired of people pretending like the dead mattered to them when […]
Believe it or not my very first post here was in 2012. Lost, depressed and thinking of suicide i was told then ‘it gets better’, and to ‘just tough it out’.
Well almost 5 years later no longer a child, i have a degree, i fought so hard to stay here and to achieve something worth while… Why do i still feel like a failure?
I once was told the comparison of the ‘big black dog’ and depression, and how once it finds you it will never leave you. Its been over 5 years and the most i could manage was to forget about the dog […]
You know what sucks? How doing positive things is actually part of the cycle that will kill me! I don’t just mean in terms of it being part of my futile struggle against the forces of entropy and death. I mean in terms of how I work really hard on things I should, and no one will notice! So the cycle might just stop there.
Better still is how no one thinks I’m going to get better. It’s like the best anyone can hope for is that I won’t manage to kill myself this year. The funny part is that they are right, it will […]
The future isn’t some far off thing . Its right fucking now! And I could be waiting for things to get better and hoping for a better future for days, years, or months. Its a bunch of bullshit and everyone dies it doesn’t matter when you die as long as you do. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in control of your death but also I get to die when I WANT to die. Because its MY life not my moms or my sisters or my grandparents or my friends life its MINE! and the only reason people want suicidal people to stay […]
I hate the holidays I’m like the next Scrooge no matter the holiday I always feel blue. Families gather and go hunting for eggs while I am alone sitting here in my bed. The hate that I build around this time of year is such an indescribable undesirable fear. I can’t stand the holidays I’m miserable you see. Because when this time comes around the only one here is me.
I’d rather be any other animal or plant. Humans suck. As does so many things in this crappy human society because it’s built by crappy humans. Living in this shitty broken society with shitty humans is beyond aggravating. Do I sound angry and frustrated? Nooooooo, not at all…
So maybe it’s not much of a problem I mean I’ve been through way worse and felt way lower in my life but for some reason I can’t help but feel alone and depressed. Growing up I didn’t have friends and I hit my peak in middle school. I have hundreds of friends well I guess looking back none of them were really my friends but once I got to high school everything changed I didn’t trust anyone and I was the most paranoid person in the world. Not like omg the FBI is after me but like I always felt that someone was going […]
So this is my first time posting here. I’ve had depression for about 1.5yrs. Something I don’t really understand is why people don’t really understand what depression really is? Why are other things that are so pointless, educated in our lives like maths or science. I know there is so much to learn in this world but I guess you need to really feel it to know what it is.
Do you think killing your own self is worse than a terminal disease like cancer or even killing someone else? How hard would a decision like that be to kill your own self. Contemplation is my […]
I know I write a lot, but I am so grateful to finally have a place to express myself without those I know judging me. The pain never stops. I feel like my soul is constantly being crushed. I smile and chat and it is scary how good I have become at hiding the pain. Or maybe they don’t want to see. It is sad how desperate you can be just to know someone is there for you, that longing for the most basic of human interaction. I thought I was ok. Always goes that way, then the darkness returns, always a bit worse, a […]
i’m empty inside. I don’t care what happens to anyone around me. I don’t have the will to live. I hate everyone around me. I don’t know who I am. I don’t want to live but I’m too scared to die. I want all the pain to stop.
Trust me….
I am here for you….
How those empty words echo through my mind. I let my mask slip for a second to bare my soul, naked and alone. All I want is love, acceptance and maybe even a hug… The prison I am in is guarded by severe loneliness. Serving a life sentence. Why am I an outcast, why am I hated. Why am I alone. I have had it with trying, screw love, friendship and all those things, clearly I am not deserving.
For months on end I have been quiet, festering on the inside, like a virus eating at my soul. Now I am […]
I’m eighteen, I’m a senior in high school, and I’ve attended four different high schools, one for each year essentially. I’ve suffered from depression since I was eleven (due to childhood abuse), and during the beginning of my sophomore year, I suffered from my first severe flash back starting my downward spiral of PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder. During the fourteenth week of school that year, I was admitted into a private mental health facility for inpatient treatment. I was there for eight days, and right afterwards, I attended iOP which is intensive outpatient; it lasted for six weeks. So I was gone from school […]
Sorta upset. Sorta not. Mostly disgruntled. Okay, I’m pretty upset.
Its my birthday in a few days.. April 15th. I’m turning 18. Having a dumb party and all that good shit. Which.I’m excited about, yeah. But after that I have to take my fucking GED test that I’ve been studying for for years now on top of regular high school. (Its a weird homeschool situation.) sorta upset I had to drop out. That my high school diploma I would get if I didn’t drop out wouldn’t even count. Really upset that I have to take this dumb fucking test. I just want to pass. I’m so […]
When people say it gets better I believe that to be a lie. I have been dealing with depression for most of my life and just when you get better shit comes up and drags me back the the darkness of my mind and chains me back up until I can get free then drags me back into a endless cycle. From my experience it is always a endless cycle of in and out of depression. And I’m sick and tired of fighting, I’m sick and tired of people telling me that it’s going to get better because for most of my life when it […]