I’m being mocked. I swear, it’s like she’s mocking me. I’d much rather tell my friends, but all I ever do is vent, rant, and bring them into my issues. I feel like a burden, and I know that it’s hard for them to find words in order to respond and help me. I’m full of issues. This time, it’s because of racism and I’m not too sure if I really should tell them because they are all the same race, I’m the only one who is different. I knew that there’d be a term test, but I missed it because of family issues, but my teacher won’t email me what to review or what was done. Instead, she brings up the fact that I missed a group presentation and I have a week to think of a way to make it up. She’s just mocking me because she knows, there’s no answer, no solution, no excuse, no way to make it up! Since the beginning of the year, she has been going out of her way to bring me deeper and deeper in the grade-book and all else; all because she hates me for a reason I can’t change. She accused me of plagiarism, gave me intentional zeros, even told my mother off when she came in to talk about my zeros. She also intentionally gave me wrong answers when I came in for help so that she can “rightly” mark me down. Now, she’s telling me I can’t makeup an assignment because it was a group project. Yes, I am aware of that, but weeks before, she said that there’d be a makeup assignment if days were missed———now I can’t makeup the assignment and I don’t know what to study. It’s probably all my fault. I should’ve emailed her the second I found out that I’d miss the project. Maybe I am at fault. But, I’m not sure how to tell my mother, our relationship is too thin for news like this. She’ll bring down hail on me if she can’t persuade my teacher, and maybe even make me leave the house with nothing but the clothes on my back again……………..I can’t do this. Why must everything be blown out of proportions? I don’t know what to do anymore—–
Suicide is always an option for me. Here’s what I mean.
Let’s say I lose my Car Keys. When I go through my head to assess my options, my options will look like:
1. Trace your steps
2. Replace the keys
3. Kill yourself.
It’s always there for some reason, in my list of options when I’m trying to solve problems. Isnt that ridiculous!? Even when I’m not depressed it’s like that.suicide
I would say I’m only mildly depressed right now, and that I’ve been working hard to make progress. I have made progress, lots of it. But it’s still there, like this annoying little whisper. I keep having to remind myself that things arent bad enough to warrant suicide. I know recovering is a process, and that these sort of things happen when you’re trying to improve. Doing my best to ignore it and keep going anyway. I guess I just never realized how destructive my own negative thinking really was.
And I am not even drinking alcohol anymore,
For how long will I live in this mind and body,
a slave to a genetic structure I am not allowed,
to destroy I tried once with the original intention to die but I panic I took the wrong sleeping pills or I didn’t take enough sleeping pills, damnit there is no one in this world willing to kill me not even myself.
She is supposed to be my cousin – family. She is supposed to be my best friend, my soulmate, the person that makes me smile and the person I can never stay mad at. But I’ve lost her. I would say I lost her yesterday but really I have been slowly losing her for a long time. Every argument starts with me calling her out on something, her getting mad and saying I always cause problems, then I apologise very well, she says it is not enough anymore because it always happens and is always “my fault”. I always am the one t say sorry and the one to try and fix things. She eventually comes back so I push the things she does to me aside. Is it sad that one day I was so so happy and excited because she was actually nice to me for a day? She lives a few hours away but I still would make the effort every spare chance I got to go and see her. Every single night we used to say “goodnight I love you” but now the only time we talk is when I’m trying be nice and all she says is “IDC, cool, K”. I get so fucking sad whenever it comes up on my memories a photo of her because I was so happy with her as my best friend. Then she moved on. She began to stop talking to me, stop asking to see me. Ofcourse I still went to see her but she would make up a heap of excuses after I travel just to see her. Eventually I gave up trying because there’s no point of trying for someone who doesn’t want anything to do with you. So the last week, I did something really stupid and she found out about it. She saw multiple photos and videos of me smoking. I tried to lie about it saying it wasn’t me but she couldn’t care less what I had to say. I said I wouldn’t do it again but the next couple days she saw it again. She was saying nasty, horrible things to me which I won’t even repeat, and it was all on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, and now she is hating on me a few days before new year and my birthday. I was so excited to give her a careful thought about Christmas present with a heartfelt card but she would honestly tear it apart and that is how much she hates me right now. She even got her mum (my aunty), who lovED me too, to say nasty things too, and to block me, and then even after that would text me to say stop “stop harassing ___ with your lies, you’ve hurt her enough”, like SHE is the one who has hurt me more than I have ever been hurt before. She literally made me soooooooo tempted to kill myself. She makes me miserable. She is literally like PTSD like every time I see something that reminds me of her or how we used to be a huge wave of sad passes over me and believe me I am not one to cry in front of anyone. OH! And I forgot to mention what was the worst day of my life (emotionally, excluding loss of people), but now is just one of the worst days of my life which are all caused by her. So a couple months ago we were constantly arguing and then one day I was at my dads house and about to go to work and I was trying to sort things out with her when she says that its enough and that we shouldn’t be and aren’t friends anymore. She said this among many other really hurtful things to me and I couldn’t bare it. All I wanted to do was be in my bed and ball my eyes out for hours on end. But no, I held the tears back so hard that my neck was physically hurting because of the lump I had in my throat, I couldn’t talk. I have never m=been hurt by her more in my life than that day, until this week. I am done with her. She means nothing to me anymore and I still love her and all I want is her to come back but I have accepted that isn’t happening and I’m just done with her. She is supposed to be my best friend but thats not the case any more. She is supposed to be my family but she certainly isn’t acting like I am anymore. She hurts the fuck out of me.
How shall one be happy if one doesn’t know how to be happy in this world when you’re own existence is nothing but a joke to others you have my information just kill me please I won’t be able to deal with my own problems when all I think about from time to die is suicide.
happiness is something that I don’t feel kill me someone out there you know how to find me just kill me for those who know how to bypass the system and bring me a peacefully and painless death.
And take away these feelings. Make me cold and numb. Let me wash away this life, let it have never existed, for i am not worthy of these opportunities i have. Paint my skies black and rip my existence from ever being here. Life is a fucking travesty. I feel like i am trapped, tied up. Unable to free myself, from myself. I am tied down by strings, toyed with by the puppet master which is life. Given the opportunity to see everything i ever wanted, just out of my own reach. Life you confusing old *****, let me have what my heart longs for, or rip it from my own body, and leave whats left to live in limbo, without ever being remembered. For i have never seen a challenge so brutally unforgiving, it is comical. You gave me love, and you ripped it from my arms, and left it forever suspended above my head. I claw at these cold callous walls all day until my hands bleed, and i weep all night. It no longer feels in my control, it feels as if i will never be able to reach it. Why life, why are you so fucking cold, you fucking monster. You shared these feelings with those i hold the most dear, so i formally ask you this now. Let me fly, or give me death.
It’s been half a year since I last came here. A lot of things can happen and change in six months, and it’s still incredible how some things remain constant in your life, for better or worse.
Tonight I feel down, yet again, but I’m getting to the point where this feeling is overwhelming me, more than the usual “I can handle this amount of sadness” feeling I tend to ignore most of the times. College is tearing holes in my self-confidence, my mental health and my ability to maintain healthy social interactions with others. With everyone around me having the typical “Holiday cheerfulness” and organizing parties and whatnot, I’m having an embracing feeling of anxiety where I’m pushing everyone away, ignoring them or their invitations and then feel guilty because of that, but can’t find the courage to apologize or to simply tell the truth and say something like “I’m feing down, I can’t make it to your party, sorry”. No, instead of that I keep inventing excuses that end up making everyone around feel disappointed about me and end up making me feel more like the shitty human being I apparently am. And also the fact that everyone around is currently on a relationship while I’m still single doesn’t help either. I feel like I don’t fit anywhere around all these couples, like an outcast. Then again I’m one.
So yeah, the usual loneliness and all the “being forgotten by everyone” sensation is back. On the most cheerful of seasons. Ironic.
Everyone is cheap. Everyone lets me down. No one can be trusted. Nobody gives a shit. No one understands. Everyone’s world revolves around themselves. Can you blame them? Human nature baby. I love it, when my mood starts to switch up and i start leaning on people, just to get hurt or crushed or let down. Its awesome. I wish i could remember how fucking shallow everyone will always be, so i can stop investing time into nothing. Nobody cares, and i shouldnt expect them to.
Too bad i hate life and myself enough to care about myself as much as everyone else does. Nobody will ever be able to fulfill me anyway. Even if someone was to try, i wouldnt even know what i wanted from someone. I just hate life sometimes, and wish i could just have financial freedom to do as i please. Or my dreams in life blew up and i could work on actual passions, instead of working a shitty 9-5, like the slave of a system i am. Or maybe one of these days i can cut into one of my vanes and pass out and bleed to death, or crash my car again but this time succeed in killing myself instead of just throwing myself into endless debt.
What is it i am looking for in life? I dont understand. I dont enjoy being happy, i will never trust people.. Seems like nowadays i just want to be as depressed as humanly possible. Maybe my girlfriend will tell me shes cheating on me or something one of these days, and it can finally push me to just killing myself, because thats the only future i can realistically depend on.
God forbid i told someone in my life how i truly feel. It would just be selfish as fuck anyway. I dont want sympathy, or basic help. I can get the standard pep talk about how great life is, and how they are always there for me ha. Bullshit.. It would just be me testing out how long before i push them away. No.. What i want is to continually drag my soul in the fucking dirt. My own little war, nobody else needs to get involved, than eventually i can push myself to leaving this boring life. Ive already accepted the fact that i am selfish, lazy, and unable to sustain an independent life anymore. I am a failure waiting my own death. I blame myself more than the world around me.
I’m still facing eviction with nowhere to go.
I pursued a lead on craigslist and it turned out to be a scam. They wanted me to wire them money and then they send the key and papers in the mail. Yeah right.
I feel so stupid. Wasted a week pursuing this lead before they revealed their scheme. People think because I’m mentally disabled that I’m completely stupid. It’s hurtful and I’ve grown to resent it.
I don’t know what to do. I’m pretty much at the bottom of the barrel as far as housing goes. If I go to another boarding house or worse, a halfway house, I’ll encounter all the same kinds of despicable people that are getting me into trouble where I am.
I just want to love alone in peace. I’m sick and need to get better, but I need to be well to get another place. It’s a vicious cycle. I can’t go on like this. I need a miracle.
There’s nothing wrong with my life. I have friends, a good education, a loving/supportive family, I’ve been doing the things I love, I pretty much have everything I want, I’m not homeless, and my health is great. Yet I’ve still been suffering mentally and emotionally. I don’t understand.
I’m sure there are many people out there that are in the same boat as I am to a certain degree, but for me what I think about myself and my body are true. Every day I look in the mirror and see a fat, ugly and worthless person staring back at me. I want so so much to become skinnier and to actually change but I can’t do it. I can’t commit to anything and it is really affecting me negatively. I study VCE health and am taught that a factor of mental health and wellbeing is positive self esteem. I have every right to not have positive self esteem, and if you looked like I do then so would you. I may be told that I’m gorgeous by my friends but I know it is just them being nice to me or they are clearly not talking about the same me that I am. I was told that I am average weight for my age but that isn’t true. Yes, I am what a “normal” weight would be classed as, but I am definitely not average when everyone around me is skinny and fit. It’s coming to summer and all I go to are non-popular beaches if I even get enough courage to go at all. I can’t live on looking the way I do and there is no way to stop me from being so fat. I know that I need to lose weight but there is no safe way to do so fast, and no way that my stubborn self can stick to. I need help…
You are screaming and I can’t hear you.
I am screaming and you can’t hear me;
One person in a sea of 8 billion.
Live alone and love your T.V.
I’m surrounded by horrible people and I’m becoming a horrible person. I’m tired of being abused and losing. I’m tired of trying only to fail. I’m afraid of the future in my current state, afraid of death, hospitalization, and jail.
I don’t even remember what it’s like to be loved. People hate me without ever getting to know me and they judge me based on the way I react when I fall into their traps. I’m tired of being lied to and abused, called names and deliberately bullied.
It’s okay for everybody to mistreat and disrespect me, but when I get pushed over the edge they can all say, “See, we were right all along.”
I love life, living and learning, but I need to get away from horrible people, because I’m becoming a horrible person, and that’s what makes me want to die.
As a rule, I am sentimental to the point of neurosis. Given as I am to swaying wildly from one emotional extreme to the other, when it comes to making permanent changes, (or changes I view as permanent) I stop in my tracks. I freeze. I let dilapidation surround me. I orgiastically wreathe myself in ambivalence. This has had the benefit of keeping me alive when I would’ve rather died, but it also has the deleterious effect of keeping me in a state in which a full, worthwhile life is impossible. And so I begrudgingly trundle myself from one moment to the next, one impulse to the next, overwhelmed like Lucy and the chocolates. I’m in a chess game with my own mortality. This game is in the autumn of its life. Knight on horseback riding between morally dubious decisions that corrode my soul. I am a creature of compulsion. Knight on love’s back riding fucked up one minute, binge eating in the next, cutting the next, fucking the next, isolating the next, jumping into relationships the next. Dodging the shrouded king. Soon he will corner me. No take-backsies when he does.
Step over a rats carcass, then two. Break your mother’s heart on the count of three.
This really does in some way feel like the end. Not that I’m completely stuck; sure I have enough love and support and resources available to me that I could find some way to solve some of the problems that plague me. Just that it will only be a matter of time until I am stuck again, the whole process done over. I am an ant in a web, franticly writhing with all the force that intangible will of survival can muster. Try as I might, escape is impossible. I’m exhausted. I just want to rest.
I’m tired of living in my head, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep going.
Mom and Dad, you were both so screwed up and all that disfunction overflowed from your cup. Abandoning me at the age of four, I watched my father walk out that door. Left with a woman so selfish and cold that I don’t even remember her being in my life until I was 8 years old when she married an abusive psychopath that chased us down and in his wrath threatened to kidnap my baby sister.
Fairy tale step parents was what I had, it would been better if I had never had a dad, because I expected him to be there for me, but all my parents ever did was neglect me and allow harm to come to me.
I’m so messed up, and the older I get, the worse it gets, and when look back at my life all I have are regrets.
I’m 21 years old and I’ve been suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts for almost 10 years now (I think so at least, I don’t remember much but I’m pretty sure I first tried to run away from my home when I was 11 or so).
I don’t think it’s my dad who used to come home drunk and beat my mom.
I don’t think it’s my suicidal mom, whom I have caught quite a few time trying to kill herself when I was a kid.
I don’t think it’s the lack of friends, or the introversion.
I don’t think it’s the constant lack of money and the fear getting kicked out of my house with my jobless parents.
I think it was all of it and more that made me into the mess I am today.
And with that, I still manage to keep a facade, to pretend that I’m a normal human being.
I have friends, most people find me charming, intelligent, funny… But why does it all sound so wrong ?
Why does my lack of self-esteem and suicidal tendencies keep me from living a normal life ?
I keep sabotaging my life, cutting ties with my friends, failing exams, hurting myself.
I can’t fix my life, and I can’t kill myself (and I’ve tried to do both).
I don’t live, I just exist in this limbo, this unending torture that I subject myself to.
I guess I’m just waiting for the one little thing to push me over the edge, one way or another, whether it helps me kill myself or fix my life.
I think this year will be the year I get my answer, as I’m going to fail my degree without any easy way to reorient myself.
I don,’t even know why I’m posting this here, I guess I wanted to get things off my chest, maybe get someone to talk to…
Anyways, my rant is now over, please ignore any spelling or grammatical errors as English is not my native language.
I have a pretty good life, especially compared to most people. My dad’s rich. My mum’s poor. so i guess i’m somewhere in the inbetween. i get okay grades, and i have friends. my biggest complaints are well-deserved depression, shitty anxiety, and a semi-physical, but mostly verbally abusive stepmom. They think I’m a goody two shoes. I kinda am? but honestly, i wish someone would fucking notice when i just walk outside at night in the middle of a conversation and stay walking for long periods of time, or set fires in sewers, or do drugs cause hey free drugs are free. it just. nobody gives a shit anymore. i dont think they even know.
I’m the voice in your head as you read this. That’s how reading works. Everyone does it. Is it a female voice, a male voice? Maybe it’s a voice that’s altogether different! Perhaps you’ve even given me an accent or a lisp to make me sound funny. Whatever the case may be, your mind created it. What else do you think your mind’s been creating lately? Is it really your mind, or is it you?
Anyway, if you decide to have a Snack today then enjoy it! It’s the small things that make you smile.
Does anyone here spend most of the time indoors and only going out when necessary? It’s been weeks since I’ve gotten out of the house and I’m losing my mind already. I haven’t had social contact aside from my girlfriend and sad thing is we only see each other hours at best because she has classes to attend to. My routine consists of moping in bed, waking up, doing nothing and then seeing my girlfriend every time her classes are up which is in the wee hours of the afternoon. My life is trash and honestly, it wouldn’t make a difference if I died today. I wouldn’t even be surprised if no one came to my funeral.
It also doesn’t help I don’t have a job so I really have nothing to do in my house aside from either staring in front of my computer screen or just laying in bed. This is my daily routine and it’s more than 8 hours a day. Imagine doing this for every single day of your existence of doing nothing but just staring in front of the computer, sitting around and moping in bed. I’m already in my 30s and I can’t imagine doing the same thing over and over again for 30 more years. I’d rather die than go through this for another 30 years of my miserable existence. It’s either I off myself or go to a monastery and spend all my remaining days there for the rest of my life. I’m already a shut-in anyway so why not shut myself out in the real world? At least I will have something to do in a monastery rather than doing nothing inside the house but mope around and be a leper all day.
I’ve really lost it all. I lost my friends, I lost my job, family doesn’t give a damn about me and all I have are my negative feelings and thoughts which bother my mind. I’ve got no one to talk to about my problems aside from my girlfriend. Even then, I don’t want to burden her too much with my problems. Seems everything I touch goes down the drain. Now all I have are feelings of despair, hopelessness and helplessness that I’m starting to have suicidal ideations. Anyone in the same boat? How do you guys cope up in such a hell and nightmare? I want to go outside and socialize, I really do but I have no one to turn to in my state. I have no social support and help in my situation aside from the woman in my life who still hasn’t abandoned me after all this time. It’s a miracle she’s still with me after all the failures I’ve been through. To have someone who deeply cares no matter where you are now is a miracle in this day and age, but even then I don’t know how this will last.
I am torn between getting help and killing myself.
I don’t hate myself nor do I think that I don’t deserve to live. And I love my friends, with whom I shared many beautiful moments. When I think about leaving them behind I feel infinitely sorry, because I know they wont be better off without me. They will be hurt and left with so many questions that I cannot answer in one last letter.
But my problem is that I cannot help but wonder why I should stay alive in this world for another 60 years. Having to work for 40 years for someone else’s profit, having to watch how more and more of nature is being destroyed, being unable to do something about millions of people being starved out of nationalist interest. Factory farming, bile bears, poaching, foie gras, slavery, you name it… The list could probably be extended infinitely.
I’m disgusted and people keep telling me I have to accept the world like it is, but I don’t want to. I know nothing changes if I’m not around anymore, yet at least I don’t have to suffer through it.
Every time I imagine my future all of these thoughts keep coming back and I’m left with this bland taste, losing interest in everything. What does it matter? Why should I study, why should I work? Just to keep living in a world I don’t really want to be part of?
Seems like bad fucking deal.