3 years ago, when I was 16, I was searching for a way out. Anything that would distract me from the gritty, overbearing teenage angst and depression that was engulfing me. I found this site. I would spend hours scrolling through the posts of strangers going through identical things to myself. It was a safe space for me. Because I had no one. In a toxic household with a toxic family, I’d dropped out of the school I’d started the year at. I started online school. Things were easier but I got to spend a lot more time in my head and my room and there came a point in which I stopped coming out. For days. And then weeks. And then months. And then a couple of years. On a different account, that I lost the password for, I posted a suicide note. And on my 17th birthday I took 20 pills. I stumbled into my house and my parents found out but I couldn’t throw them up. I recovered. At a price. I developed an anxiety so severe I couldn’t eat, it got to the point where i ate once a day, if that, and lost a shit ton of weight over the summer. After that, I felt like everyone wanted me. Boys looked at me more and I felt desired so I kept the weight off, plus it’s hard to gain weight back, i pushed forward, though on a path of self destruction. I whored myself, gave myself away for free, got drunk every night, I tore myself apart from the inside out. Ate myself alive. To try to shut my mind off. Then I got pregnant. With my abusive exes baby. I got an abortion. That did a great deal of emotional trauma. I got a new boyfriend. I’ve had him for almost a year now. I’ve had a few decent jobs, I began trying to live, because just getting out of bed and putting makeup on and talking to someone other than my computer screen was a huge step. My mind is still in a scary place, but I’m growing, I’m breathing, I’m meditating and evolving spiritually, Im slowly getting my shit together. If you’re reading this and relate to any of it, this is a sign. Pour yourself a drink, put your favorite outfit on, do your hair and pull your shit together. You’re a part of everything, and everything is a part of you.
Stories of Hope
If it wasn’t for my boyfriend idk where I would be at. I’m honestly so blessed to have him. as some people know that have read my rants and stuff I’ve been crying everyday for a couple of months and almost 2-5 times a day and just been hurting really bad and hating who I am and suicide was a heavy thought on my mind. But if it wasn’t for him I’m pretty sure I would be gone. He deals with my mental break downs and when I cry and when I get angry and when I’m numb. We do argue a lot but he sticks through all of it. I really appreciate him and need to give him more credit for dealing with me. I can be annoying and crazy and upsetting but he really goes through all of that and finds some way to tell me that he loves me. I love you J ?? Your the only reason I’m alive today and help me hold on to the little bit of love for life I have left and that little bit is you and my family. I know you probably won’t ever see this cause I’m never gonna show you these types of rants cause I’ll probably get a speech like your my father or yelled at lmao but thank you you are the best thing that happened to me. And I just want to let everyone know That’s reading this you will find someone that will stay with you for anything and even through the bad times at the end of the day They’ll still be able to tell you I love you. they may already be in your life or You may still be searching but they Are here and they are waiting for you I promise
“Life is a gift! Live, laugh, love! You only live once (YOLO)! Thank God! Life is beautiful!” etc etc. Well, not really. Wake up and open your eyes to reality.
Only those people who are lucky & fortunate in life who can loudly say that life is a gift. The reality is, not everyone is fortunate. In fact, most people on this planet live in pain & sufferings just barely enough to survive. And then, even if people live in the first-world developed countries like in U.S or Europe for example, there are ironically still people who are depressed, and even suicidal/commit suicide. If life is a gift, like most people nowadays keep saying, then why all those reality exist? The only answer I can think of is: it is human’s nature perhaps for (most) human beings to always want to keep surviving (the survival mechanism), and therefore, they need the optimism bias (especially the most prevalent today with all those motivational & self-help industry); even if it’s at the cost of ignorance (“Ignorance is bliss”), simple-mindedness, naivety, being oblivious, selfish, shallow, superficial, and lacking empathy (in deep way), and honestly speaking, stupidity.
i first found out about ‘suicide forums’ when i was reading from a (shocker) suicide book. i quickly looked at the website, convincingly telling myself it was out of curiosity. closed the tab as if spending any more time on it would spread to me and infect me. it did. it became something i did a lot. reading through pages and pages of people and their thoughts. ironic to see so many alone people feel alone together. at this point i wouldn’t say i’m sad, i’m still. i wish i could write about how everything has messed me over. i feel drained, empty, tired of feeling out of place. i am fearful i will feel like this my entire life, unsatisfied. i sound spoiled. there’s nothing wrong with getting married, having kids, buying a house. it is too predictable. is there a point where i ‘learn to grow up’ where i realize everyone feels this way but just ignores. settles. i don’t want an expensive car. i don’t want a big house. i don’t want followers. i want to be someone. hypocritically i write on a suicide website. this is my problem. i can’t choose whether i want to change the world or take myself from it. different parts of the brain. i feel myself becoming more hopeless. be someone. be known for your kindness. impact people. you’ll never be anyone why try, end it before you’re in too far. i am so scared of ordinary. i’m scared my fear of ordinary will make me ordinary.
i am so privileged. the guilt is eating me up. ending it is cowardly but people would get over it. life moves on. people eventually move on.
So for a while now, probably a couple of months I’ve been crying every single day about something it could be the littlest thing but I just start crying and I just going to this episode of hating myself and wanting to just be alone and away from everything and everyone and then it turns into anger and then anybody who tries to help me I give a attitude to. And I do know that I’m clinically diagnosed with bipolar depression But for years it’s been under control and I’ve learned how to control it so much that years ago the Psychiatrist felt like I didn’t need any more medication and it was good for a while my emotions were pretty much under control and I had normal emotions. But that only lasted a while because I have been hiding my depression a lot but it’s never been this bad I’ve never cried every day of my life for months and almost like three or five times a day and it’s tiring and my head hurts and my body sore And I always feel like I’m tired or sick but it’s just because I’ve been crying so much and I don’t understand it I feel like I can’t even go outside anymore even though technically I really can’t because of the circumstances of the world right now but say we weren’t in quarantine and I had to go outside I probably wouldn’t because I’m scared that the smallest thing is going to hurt me or make me sad or anger me and then I’ll just go into an episode out in public and then hate myself even more than what I already do. I’m just confused on why this is happening and I want to change it because it’s taking a toll on my body And on my brain If you read this thank you have a good afternoon stay safe and wash your hands
Well I used this website before and honestly it’s a really helpful and supporting place and I’ve never experienced any type of hate being here so I decided to use it again and I thank the people on this website for being so nice to me when sharing my feelings really means a lot and would gladly do the same . I don’t even know how to put all that I’m feeling into proper words. I’ve been going through a lot in my own head. I constantly put myself down and I’m always saying that I hate myself. And the worse part is everything I say to myself I believe… I don’t like myself… I hate being who I am… I wish I didn’t exist or was never born cause I’m always constantly feeling like I make peoples life’s worse… I don’t know how to even talk to people anymore like a regular person. There was a time in life where I had to get hospitalized for my bipolar depression and for a while I was doing okay and but as time goes by I just hate myself more and more and I feel like it’s never going to stop. I always never really liked myself. Maybe as a kid but as I was growing up I got bullied a lot in elementary and middle school and a little bit in high school but not too much. All those moments just replay over and over again in my head and just remind me of why I hate myself and I just feel like giving up sometimes. I’m trying to change so I can’t feel this way anymore but due to the circumstances of the world right now it’s hard to change being stuck in the house all day which is basically what I did before and I was really depressed. There are some bright side to my life obviously I have a phone A roof over my head and a very supportive boyfriend Who helps me out with all these thoughts And I think God for these things that some people don’t have but we are all dealing with a different type of struggle no one’s life is ever perfect I was just really like some advice on how I could change the way I feel about myself because it’s come to a point where I don’t want people to be around me anymore and the only way to do that is to get rid of myself and I already tried it once and it failed And I didn’t even tell anyone and the only thing that stops me a boyfriend will be sad and so hurt if I did that to myself and he’s been trying to help me for so long so I’m trying to reach out to someone else to see if they could help me rethink myself So I can feel just a little better about myself Because I’ve been feeling this way for so long and it doesn’t only hurt me it hurts my boyfriend to see me like this knowing that he’s been trying to help me and it’s not working. Like I’ve never felt this type of hatred toward myself like it’s so different than anything I’ve ever felt before it’s like I just can’t stand myself and I just wanna feel a little better I doubt anyone would even read half of this but if you do thank you and I appreciate you reading a small part of my story I might upload a lot more on this website it helps me a lot after texting my feelings down about how I feel about myself it’s calmed me down from ballistic crying I hope everyone good night stay safe and Wash your hands
Some people are lucky; Some people are not.
The more you learn about this world and society, the more you will realize that Life is random (chances), and yes, Life is not fair. Reality is depressing.
Most people who still always keep saying that “if you work hard, you will be successful!” are naive, ignorant, and simple-minded typical “optimistic/positive/happy-go-lucky” people you always see everywhere. And even for those people who realized it and therefore said that what’s important is to “work smart”, it also usually often means to be sly, cunning, opportunistic bastards who are too often selfish, pricks, ruthless, cold, heartless, and only care about certain shallow things like money, profits, power, position. And sadly often for the vain reasons.
There are often far too many challenges, obstacles, and also bad people who lurk just around the dark corners to eat you up, use you, trick you, manipulate you, etc etc you just name it. That’s why usually the truly good people, and the genuinely smart, wise, and idealistic, visionary type of people who have truly great and noble ideas for the progress of the world are often crushed, and losing out to the selfish, vain bastards and pricks of the world and society that I’ve just mentioned above. No wonder there are many stressful, sad, depressed, and suicidal people all around the world/planet.
This world is a shithole. Humanity is sadly not that great. Life is often disappointing. Society is sick. Existence is (mostly) just a meaningless, stupid, and pointless pain and sufferings until you die.
yes, this shit is a soul cancer, depression is even worse than body cancer, it kills your soul , and once ur soul is dead, u are dead even if ur body keeps moving. and thats where we start thinking of commiting suicide cuz thats the only option we see, we are dead, so we want to kill the only thing left which is the body.
that bing said , i hope i dont reach that stage , am getting worse evveryday but am trying to fight back even tho i lose most of my battles vs depression, anxiety, overthinking and negativity . i am having these shits since 2016. its been almost 4 years and i am dying slowly. I AM SLOWLY GIVING UP.
those motiviational videos in youtube, its all bulshits , yea full of shits , Fuk them and Fuk society.
i dunno if i am gonna make it out of this one day, Dont know, maybe… or maybe i will end up like other souls , killing that last thing alive.
I now avoid this place because it kinda brings me moredown than the hope and light I feel I can bring to it. But I don’t know where else I can write this and keep it somewhat personal.
I feel like people love me. And that is good. I was so afraid people hated me and couldn’t stand me. I feared people wanted to kill me even. At some point the paranoia had taken over me, but it wasn’t true. I’m not a monster. I’m not evil. I’m not that horrible of a human being despite how I may have felt. There’s people who love me. My mother loves me. And I am doing ok. Thanks for life to have given me a second chance. If you’re reading this far and are planning on killing yourself don’t. Tommorow may be the day you overcome depression. And trust me, that will make life worth living. Hoping for a cure. Carlos out. No song today. Instead this video of how I kind of feel at the moment. Only difference is I don’t feel like a diamond, I feel inferior. But, I’m sure with time I’ll overcome that. I hope I can watch the full season of Steven universe future that show is awesome. My ex used to love it, now I know why. To bad he lives too far, I think I loved him without knowing. Kinda still would love to be straight. But that is another story. Carlos out
Looking back on what I’ve posted here a year to a year and a half ago, it’s so weird to me. As if I’m not the one who actually wrote those things. The negativity in those posts made me cringe, but I guess it can be good to vent sometimes. I’m in a better place now, though I still have my lows and struggle with insecurities. Despite this, I’d like to think things will turn out okay.
That’s all it takes… a moment. Everything in our lives is affected by every decision we choose to make in every present moment.
Earlier today my Mother chose, in a moment of despair, to go to her closet and get her handgun.
Earlier today I chose, in a moment of awareness, to go upstairs in response to the out of the ordinary noise I heard.
My life could have changed in a moment, and hers could have ended, had I not walked upstairs just as she was about to lock her bedroom door.
I just wanted to remind everybody of how important a single moment in time can be. Each and every person, all too often, takes a moment for granted. That applies to the good moments and the bad moments. But we all must remember that, good or bad, our decisions in a moment literally change everything.
That’s why I’m using my current moment to write this in hopes that everybody reading this will use their next moments for betterment instead of possibly using them to live in the sadness of moments that have already passed, & that cannot be changed, which may lead to a decision that cannot be undone.
Hopefully I didn’t waste my moment 🙂
Life is not fair
Some people are lucky,
Some people are not
Some people live a successful & happy life,
Some people fail miserably & even commit suicide
Everything is just only a random chance
The universe doesn’t care
We are just only a tiny little speck of dust in this vast universe
One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening. The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to. When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces. You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park. There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children. Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been? Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life? Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy. One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment. Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults. Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine. They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel. Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed. I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier. Continue to rest in peace.
When we grow up into being an adult, often we are pressured to be “realistic”. But at what cost? Too often, especially when you’re not ‘lucky/fortunate’ enough, all this whole “adulthood” and “grow up” things just turned us into a jaded, weary, bitter, cynical, apathy, limited, empty, cold, sad, & depressed person/individual..
The young, youthful, carefree, freespirit, creative, lively, happy, & dreamy/dreamer “child” / “childhood” in us often times slowly have died.. as we grow up into being an adult..
And for many people, it also usually means that we have to “let go”, or to be more honest & real, I would say that we are being pressured to kill our dreams..
Reality is cruel, cold, disappointing, very limiting, mundane/boring, stupid, pointless/meaningless (often times), & depressing.. especially for some of us who have fully realized it & wake up to the harsh truth.
For the past week, I am not feeling myself lately and this is not relatively a new feeling, but this past week has been more aggressive than its ever been and culminating today was the disaster i dont wanna think it is , but dismissing so , would not just be denial but also forthright i donno what, i am at a loss for flowery words, right now the only thought pulsing through my mind, is that i have to end this the quickest way possible i want to jump off a cliff,possibly a tavern, hack my heart with an axe, bleed till i die, but the moment i think i might end up with a botched up whatever suicide attempt, would make me feel worse than the most repulsive beggar in say an eternal time plane., for i dont believe finding beggars on earth repulsive is bad morality, i respect every being on earth equally,that term was just meant to signify my emotional and mental being and state right now, it is as if everything primal , normal and just everything in my life is slipping away from me. Parents of one of the members in my family passed away and another member who i was close too all my childhood is an emotionally stunted adult who might as well hack me to death just by emotionally stunting me sooner or later. He/She is an awesome person though.I am not crying for attention from abuse or anything.That doesnt me lack thereof either.Its like my apocalypse is today.Another person is not going through a good weather either.Its like my whole family is thrown into a shredder and the whole world , even trash who is just good at nothing but cheap and mediocre politics and manipulation is derisively mocking at me, since hey my weather is the worst.
Thoroughly unrelated to the drama , I also kinda like a person whos forbidden sweet, whom i knew only for three months and its been a year and im sure he/shes forgotten all about me, but sometimes i just feel i wanna leave everything and wanna spend the rest of my life wrapped in his/her arms.But I also know,probably that person would probably have forgotten though im sure he/she had a deep mutual emotional connection or was it just a fake skindeep thing and that person might actually find me repulsive in my current state of despair, and anyway he/she could just put me in a stranger bracket and maybe ill never get to even encounter him or her or even if i did never be nearly proximal again, but right now though my current state has nothing to do with a triviality like a boy or a girl fancy,makes me think a life spent in his/her arms would just be enough or even death in his arms with him/her not being indifferent to me would be enough, or
maybe i am using a boy/girl fancy distraction as an escapade to the hellish nightmare i am in right now.
sorry for wasting all your time
and maybe i am a stranger to everyone on earth and i just deserve to hack myself with an axe and bleed myself till i die. Though i know human flesh is not butter but sinew and that process is too violent for not meek but genuine and earnest me. I know reading this, already quite a lot of people are sneering on me, disgusted abt me, thinking i am a loser, but i am not, i have been the toughest and valiant with glorious failures and few contentment which was rationally good. But right now i m kinda in my early to mid twenties and i am scared where life is going, that maybe when im thirty itll just end up being a routine i want to die. and life today now this moment is more excruciating than i could have ever imagined. I wanna die before anything else falls apart. Its life every positive force in my body is soul sucked out of me. Hope im not creating despair by last statement to any reader here.Whatever shit im going through i know u must have urs of ur own magnitude as well, so out of pure love, i want you to know, i am sending love.
If i am dead , please observe one moment of silence for me,
if i end up surviving this, thank you for giving me this platform to write it out now.
Anyway right now its quite schrodingers cat isnt it.
I was in a very very dark place not too long ago. I felt worthless and like I had no purpose. But I recently went to a Catholic conference and I had an encounter. I met so many caring people, and I also experienced a loving God and I finally felt seen and known and loved. I found my purpose in life is just to spread love to people, and I don’t have to do anything to make my life worth living. I found healing and I haven’t gone back to that dark place since then. I found healing in God and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and an end to the suffering it truly does get better.
You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).
Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.
Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.
Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.
May 15, 12:44AM
it’s a school night, i was supposed to sleep early to work on my important project, but something happened. i took 7 tablets of (?), i don’t know why i took them, shoved them down my throat and casually went to bed, after 10 minutes i felt this terrible pain in my stomach and my eyes were about to burst “it’s nothing” i said, and tried to sleep, but it only got worse so i decided to ask for help. searched the tablets name on google, “the lethal dosage could be as low as 4 tablets for a grown-up” “Do not take more than 3 (?) tablets per day or more than 5 tablets per week” Oh no.. i’m a teenager and i took.. 7, i rushed to my mum’s room trying to act as calm as i can and said “my stomach hurts, please take me to the hospital” weirdly enough she didn’t ask why, how severe is the pain, she took me without questions, you may wonder “why is it weird?” well, my mum will NEVER take me to the ER, she never did even when i was vomiting, she says it’s a waste of time and they’ll probably tell you to rest and that’s it, so for 17 years i never went to the ER with my mum, and that was the first time ever and i didn’t even tell her what i did yet. Okay so the hospital isn’t really far, it’s about 5 or 4 minutes away from where i live but with the pain i was feeling it felt like an hour and i’m not exaggerating, i was trying to hide my pain and act like it’s food poisoning or something but as time passes i was starting to lose it, when we reached the hospital i was in a pool of sweat i remember my face was shiny and my hands were sticky, but i managed to act calm but wait why are the lights off? Oh. this hospital has no emergency services today, we had to go to the other one which is 17 minutes away, i finally lost it, i started screaming in pain and hitting the car’s window with my hand, unable to breath and can’t see well, i was sweating heavily and my heart was beating so fast, it all happened in three minutes. we reached the hospital and once i stepped off the car i vomited everything i ate since 1997, i was about to spit my whole stomach out, they had to take me in with a wheelchair and took my biometrics, the nurse panicked when she saw my heart rate and my blood pressure both of them was extremely high, it was unbelievable, they rushed me to the emergency doctor, now, my mum and i are in the room and the doctor is asking me about what happened, my mum answered with what she knew so he told me it’s probably food poisoning and i’ll be okay but i decided to tell the truth, to save myself. I whispered to him what i did and he gasped “why didn’t you tell your mum?” “i can’t”, my mum angrily asked me about what happened and i didn’t answer, he sat on his chair again and told her to calm down “we will be calling the main hospital to take her by an ambulance, she has overdosed and the dose she took may be lethal due to the rates.” my mum was angry, frustrated she started yelling at me while the doctor tried to calm her down, they took me to the next room and had to put some needles and IV’s in me, my mum took my phone away and we had a fight so now, i’m about to die and my mum is mad at me, what a great thing. She called my sister telling her that she will come home a little late, the ambulance came and i started crying my eyes out while it was taking me to the hospital and i kept asking them if they will be taking me to the psych ward because they did it before and i really don’t trust them, he showed me the location and i finally calmed down. When i arrived there they rushed me in a luxurious room and put more needles and things in me, it seems like they’re using all of their machines to help me now, my mum was sitting next to me in the room and we didn’t say anything for hours while the nurses kept checking my rates and asking me about how i feel, it’s about 3AM now and i can’t sleep at all due to the high dosage i took (it had a lot of caffeine in it to keep me awake for a whole week) my mum didn’t sleep either, now, i don’t know what happened but i remember hearing a lot of voices at the same time and my weird machines going off, i slept, or in other words, i died. I didn’t know what happened next and when did i wake up but when i did i saw the relieve on everybody’s face, specially my mum’s. I hugged her and told her that i’ll never do it again, some emotional things happened and we were good. It’s around 6AM right now and i’m waiting for the psychaitrst to come so she can decide if it safe for me to get out, my mum had to take my siblings to school so she left and came with some clothes to me as i was sweating for god knows how much hours, the psychaitrst came and we talked for a bit and finally, i was able to go. We went to the mall and bought some stuff, i had to deal with a lot of things for a month afterwards, sweating, dizziness and dehydration.
i know what you’re thinking right now “wow, she’s so much stronger than me!”, well maybe not. i know you heard what i’m about to say at least a hundred times before, but hear me out.
i’m still depressed, in fact, i tried to kill myself yesterday, and i still want to do it, but what happened back in May made me feel how important i am to a lot of people and specially my dear mum. Suicide is scary, losing someone or yourself to suicide is scary, let me tell you something and it’s actually a fact based on some studies, most (if not all) of the people who committed suicide regret it at the last moment, when it’s already too late, i didn’t believe that but when i saw what happened, when i was at the hospital getting help for something i didn’t want anyone to save me from, i realised it’s true. When i had to stay two weeks in a psych ward to keep myself safe from me, i realised it’s true. It’s true, please don’t harm yourself, you deserve so much better even if you don’t see it clearly please go ask for help, there are people out there who are willing to help you, you matter, things will be so different without you and we don’t want to lose you. Maybe at some point of your life u tend to feel like suicide is an answer, but it’s never an answer for any question, any problem, anything. i don’t care if you’re weak, or strong, i don’t care about how mentally stable you are but i want you to stay alive, it’s not worth it, i’m not in the best place right now and i’ll probably be gone soon but i do know that suicide will never end the pain, it will be the worst decision to take.
I swear I had all the preparations done. Everything was in place. The method, the suicide letters to my family and friend, the timing.
Out of the blue I receive a message from the other side of the world. A 30-minute conversation has thrown my suicidal ideations out of the realm of “must” and into the chaotic reality of “should” and “can”.
I thought I had found my way out of the wilderness into the dark. Suddenly there’s a light. An unavoidable brightness lighting the path of a monster (me) that was blind to all else for too long.
Am I imagining this? Is my mind/body fighting so desperately to preserve itself at the end that I am now suddenly questioning my determined end?
The countdown’s on…4 3 2 1
I’m so happy.
Not about my life, nor that I found reasons to live longer now.
I’m just so happy and so proud about most of you.
I was so afraid sometimes that I wouldn’t find anyone among the commoners that think like me. I didn’t meet anyone, among 1 thousand people I might have met in my life until now, among friends, friends of friends, dating apps/websites, co-students, forums, … that actually thought like me or at least understand my suffering and how lonely I feel. How deeps is the abyss of my soul. Which result by having to fight every day, at least once a day against someone who actually does say something hurting to me or at least not thoughtful. The only people thinking like me were heroes of literature and so maybe I guess some parts of the personality of those authors.
Now I know.
Now I know that some of you, among those 7 billions people are actually kind.Who knows what true suffering means. And right now I’m full of tears. That much because it gives me so much feelings at once, so much proud, so much happiness, so much empathy, so much deep sadness,…
I’m full of tears while contemplating the abyss from the edge where I’m standing. The abyss of your sadness, of mine, of your souls. You are not empty. Or yes you are but in a beautiful way. A way that most human will never understand.
I’m re-assured now that I know. I can leave this world peacefully. Even if most of you will choose to end your lives, I know that some of you will have this beautiful sadness, empathy, … maybe it will be the seeds to reset this dying world. I hope that much for you. For all of you.
Nevertheless, I don’t envy you. I won’t be capable to maintain this facade, this sharade of life I’m living a year more. It’s just too much energy that I don’t have anymore. I will maybe explain in other posts some of those aspects because you, even if you don’t care, need one proof more. A proof that some people can get over it, and some just can’t.
I’m about to say something I really don’t want to say the way way I’m going to. I just don’t find any other ways to say it, plus the fact that we actually don’t do it the way we should.
Don’t ever be ashamed of this. All of this. All of these feelings. This is something beautiful, something true. Something that nobody besides some like us, can truly understand. Not because it’s madness or anything alike. Because it’s just smarter, deeper,… because this is what being human truly means…
Even if we wouldn’t agree on a lot of life’s principles maybe, even if you voted for dictators or Trumps alike, even if you have killed someone or anything alike, even if some of you have dark thoughts about hurting people, I don’t care. I really don’t. Because you have this tiny piece in you. This tiny dust that makes you maybe more human than most of the people. Don’t ever, even in death, even while you are killing yourself, ever ever loose it, please. If I can only ask one thing of you all, just do that for me please.
Thank you for the author of this website. I would have loved to be the founder of this. I would have loved to help to its development. This is truly a beautiful project for so many points.
Thank you all just for existing the way you do and some of you for what you do.
Credits to the artist Mimi N.