I was in a very very dark place not too long ago. I felt worthless and like I had no purpose. But I recently went to a Catholic conference and I had an encounter. I met so many caring people, and I also experienced a loving God and I finally felt seen and known and loved. I found my purpose in life is just to spread love to people, and I don’t have to do anything to make my life worth living. I found healing and I haven’t gone back to that dark place since then. I found healing in God and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and an end to the suffering it truly does get better.
Stories of Hope
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).
Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.
Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.
Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.
May 15, 12:44AM
it’s a school night, i was supposed to sleep early to work on my important project, but something happened. i took 7 tablets of (?), i don’t know why i took them, shoved them down my throat and casually went to bed, after 10 minutes i felt this terrible pain in my stomach and my eyes were about to burst “it’s nothing” i said, and tried to sleep, but it only got worse so i decided to ask for help. searched the tablets name on google, “the lethal dosage could be as low as 4 tablets for a grown-up” “Do not take more than 3 (?) tablets per day or more than 5 tablets per week” Oh no.. i’m a teenager and i took.. 7, i rushed to my mum’s room trying to act as calm as i can and said “my stomach hurts, please take me to the hospital” weirdly enough she didn’t ask why, how severe is the pain, she took me without questions, you may wonder “why is it weird?” well, my mum will NEVER take me to the ER, she never did even when i was vomiting, she says it’s a waste of time and they’ll probably tell you to rest and that’s it, so for 17 years i never went to the ER with my mum, and that was the first time ever and i didn’t even tell her what i did yet. Okay so the hospital isn’t really far, it’s about 5 or 4 minutes away from where i live but with the pain i was feeling it felt like an hour and i’m not exaggerating, i was trying to hide my pain and act like it’s food poisoning or something but as time passes i was starting to lose it, when we reached the hospital i was in a pool of sweat i remember my face was shiny and my hands were sticky, but i managed to act calm but wait why are the lights off? Oh. this hospital has no emergency services today, we had to go to the other one which is 17 minutes away, i finally lost it, i started screaming in pain and hitting the car’s window with my hand, unable to breath and can’t see well, i was sweating heavily and my heart was beating so fast, it all happened in three minutes. we reached the hospital and once i stepped off the car i vomited everything i ate since 1997, i was about to spit my whole stomach out, they had to take me in with a wheelchair and took my biometrics, the nurse panicked when she saw my heart rate and my blood pressure both of them was extremely high, it was unbelievable, they rushed me to the emergency doctor, now, my mum and i are in the room and the doctor is asking me about what happened, my mum answered with what she knew so he told me it’s probably food poisoning and i’ll be okay but i decided to tell the truth, to save myself. I whispered to him what i did and he gasped “why didn’t you tell your mum?” “i can’t”, my mum angrily asked me about what happened and i didn’t answer, he sat on his chair again and told her to calm down “we will be calling the main hospital to take her by an ambulance, she has overdosed and the dose she took may be lethal due to the rates.” my mum was angry, frustrated she started yelling at me while the doctor tried to calm her down, they took me to the next room and had to put some needles and IV’s in me, my mum took my phone away and we had a fight so now, i’m about to die and my mum is mad at me, what a great thing. She called my sister telling her that she will come home a little late, the ambulance came and i started crying my eyes out while it was taking me to the hospital and i kept asking them if they will be taking me to the psych ward because they did it before and i really don’t trust them, he showed me the location and i finally calmed down. When i arrived there they rushed me in a luxurious room and put more needles and things in me, it seems like they’re using all of their machines to help me now, my mum was sitting next to me in the room and we didn’t say anything for hours while the nurses kept checking my rates and asking me about how i feel, it’s about 3AM now and i can’t sleep at all due to the high dosage i took (it had a lot of caffeine in it to keep me awake for a whole week) my mum didn’t sleep either, now, i don’t know what happened but i remember hearing a lot of voices at the same time and my weird machines going off, i slept, or in other words, i died. I didn’t know what happened next and when did i wake up but when i did i saw the relieve on everybody’s face, specially my mum’s. I hugged her and told her that i’ll never do it again, some emotional things happened and we were good. It’s around 6AM right now and i’m waiting for the psychaitrst to come so she can decide if it safe for me to get out, my mum had to take my siblings to school so she left and came with some clothes to me as i was sweating for god knows how much hours, the psychaitrst came and we talked for a bit and finally, i was able to go. We went to the mall and bought some stuff, i had to deal with a lot of things for a month afterwards, sweating, dizziness and dehydration.
i know what you’re thinking right now “wow, she’s so much stronger than me!”, well maybe not. i know you heard what i’m about to say at least a hundred times before, but hear me out.
i’m still depressed, in fact, i tried to kill myself yesterday, and i still want to do it, but what happened back in May made me feel how important i am to a lot of people and specially my dear mum. Suicide is scary, losing someone or yourself to suicide is scary, let me tell you something and it’s actually a fact based on some studies, most (if not all) of the people who committed suicide regret it at the last moment, when it’s already too late, i didn’t believe that but when i saw what happened, when i was at the hospital getting help for something i didn’t want anyone to save me from, i realised it’s true. When i had to stay two weeks in a psych ward to keep myself safe from me, i realised it’s true. It’s true, please don’t harm yourself, you deserve so much better even if you don’t see it clearly please go ask for help, there are people out there who are willing to help you, you matter, things will be so different without you and we don’t want to lose you. Maybe at some point of your life u tend to feel like suicide is an answer, but it’s never an answer for any question, any problem, anything. i don’t care if you’re weak, or strong, i don’t care about how mentally stable you are but i want you to stay alive, it’s not worth it, i’m not in the best place right now and i’ll probably be gone soon but i do know that suicide will never end the pain, it will be the worst decision to take.
I swear I had all the preparations done. Everything was in place. The method, the suicide letters to my family and friend, the timing.
Out of the blue I receive a message from the other side of the world. A 30-minute conversation has thrown my suicidal ideations out of the realm of “must” and into the chaotic reality of “should” and “can”.
I thought I had found my way out of the wilderness into the dark. Suddenly there’s a light. An unavoidable brightness lighting the path of a monster (me) that was blind to all else for too long.
Am I imagining this? Is my mind/body fighting so desperately to preserve itself at the end that I am now suddenly questioning my determined end?
The countdown’s on…4 3 2 1
I’m so happy.
Not about my life, nor that I found reasons to live longer now.
I’m just so happy and so proud about most of you.
I was so afraid sometimes that I wouldn’t find anyone among the commoners that think like me. I didn’t meet anyone, among 1 thousand people I might have met in my life until now, among friends, friends of friends, dating apps/websites, co-students, forums, … that actually thought like me or at least understand my suffering and how lonely I feel. How deeps is the abyss of my soul. Which result by having to fight every day, at least once a day against someone who actually does say something hurting to me or at least not thoughtful. The only people thinking like me were heroes of literature and so maybe I guess some parts of the personality of those authors.
Now I know.
Now I know that some of you, among those 7 billions people are actually kind.Who knows what true suffering means. And right now I’m full of tears. That much because it gives me so much feelings at once, so much proud, so much happiness, so much empathy, so much deep sadness,…
I’m full of tears while contemplating the abyss from the edge where I’m standing. The abyss of your sadness, of mine, of your souls. You are not empty. Or yes you are but in a beautiful way. A way that most human will never understand.
I’m re-assured now that I know. I can leave this world peacefully. Even if most of you will choose to end your lives, I know that some of you will have this beautiful sadness, empathy, … maybe it will be the seeds to reset this dying world. I hope that much for you. For all of you.
Nevertheless, I don’t envy you. I won’t be capable to maintain this facade, this sharade of life I’m living a year more. It’s just too much energy that I don’t have anymore. I will maybe explain in other posts some of those aspects because you, even if you don’t care, need one proof more. A proof that some people can get over it, and some just can’t.
I’m about to say something I really don’t want to say the way way I’m going to. I just don’t find any other ways to say it, plus the fact that we actually don’t do it the way we should.
Don’t ever be ashamed of this. All of this. All of these feelings. This is something beautiful, something true. Something that nobody besides some like us, can truly understand. Not because it’s madness or anything alike. Because it’s just smarter, deeper,… because this is what being human truly means…
Even if we wouldn’t agree on a lot of life’s principles maybe, even if you voted for dictators or Trumps alike, even if you have killed someone or anything alike, even if some of you have dark thoughts about hurting people, I don’t care. I really don’t. Because you have this tiny piece in you. This tiny dust that makes you maybe more human than most of the people. Don’t ever, even in death, even while you are killing yourself, ever ever loose it, please. If I can only ask one thing of you all, just do that for me please.
Thank you for the author of this website. I would have loved to be the founder of this. I would have loved to help to its development. This is truly a beautiful project for so many points.
Thank you all just for existing the way you do and some of you for what you do.
Credits to the artist Mimi N.
I am actually doing it I am leaving him. I got approved for an apartment today and can move in next week. Its in the same complex as one of my work friends so I have support and she can help me watch out for him. I am also getting him to sign something saying he wont take the dogs from me, and within a year I can file for divorce and really be done. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t have any furniture or anything else for that matter but i don’t care im done with the abuse and even if im scared out of my mind right now I am so glad im doing this!
It was weird seeing things I wrote 4 years ago. In so many ways, I have come a long way. In so many ways, I have stayed the same.
So I was V.C.333 when I was here before. I have no idea what that name means, or where I got it from. I just went back to the time I was around here before and found the posts.
Things are not as bleak and hopeless as they seemed then. I was on a lot of medication then for fibromyalgia and neuropathy. I went to a new doctor, and she said that before she would see me, I had to get off all my meds. We made a 4 week plan, and I did it. After that, I felt so much better, that I just did some physical therapy and never went back on them again. (The first two weeks of detox were hell, but it got much better.)
I now do yoga and meditation.
I still have some pain, but not near as much as I did when I was on pain meds and nerve meds.
I still fantasize about death. That is why I am here again. That never really goes away, but I manage it. I just needed to talk to people who understand, so I am back.
I was in counseling and on meds for awhile. I felt better, so I got a part time job. Then I lost my medicaid. lmao
Now I am out of counseling and getting back off my meds.
Oh well, that’s life. Right? Up and down. Never up too long and never stable.
She hugged me today.
She’s hugged me twice before. On my birthday, and again, on a day when I was miserable.
But today… I wasn’t turning a year older, or falling apart inside.
She just, hugged me. For no reason. Because, she wanted to? Because she thought I would want her to?
I don’t know. But for once, there wasn’t a clear reason..
Maybe now I’ll finally be brave enough to hug her. And not feel restrained by the necessity of needing a reason.
Between the line of fear and blame you begin to wonder why you came…
A lyrics from The Fray, How to save a life.
I’ve been bullied when i was in grade school and it was the scariest thing a little girl have to go through.
Highschool was a lot of fun, except things from family starts to jump out.
I started to appreciate the songs Perfect and Welcome to my life by Simple Plan… Its really the lyrics that made me close to the music. It embrace me to bed.
Boulevard of broken dreams by Green day came in my playlist, That’s when i realize my friends don’t understand me.
Now im in college and life fcks me up so damn much that it made me numb…
I’m depressed since i was a kid, when i was sixteen suicide thoughts came right in… now im twenty, i feel exhausted. Breathing is getting harder that i think it can choke me. Anxiety attacks are much worst cause my heart palpitates rapidly and it kinda hurt.
I hate everyone. They made me like this. but sometimes i think, maybe i made myself into this.
I’m actually scared to live,
and I’m actually scared to die.
I’m tired. I am screaming inside. I breakdown almost everyday and different time.
My depression and anxiety are my demons. I hear their voices, in the morning, afternoon, evening… they don’t seem to get tired at all.
Some people told me; “You need to be strong”, ” God will help you, just pray”, “Be positive”, ” There’s always a rainbow after the rain”, “You’ll get better soon”… It easier to say things like that but it doesn’t really help. It doesn’t work that way… It made me think, I had a bad life and they have a good one. They’re lucky.
My depression and anxiety have become a part of me for the past i dunno since i was nine? and until i die i have them with me… They’re my friend and my enemy.
In case your reading this, i don’t need someone to help me or to fix me, I just need people to stop breaking me.
I’m still here, found some friends who have been making my life better which has helped. Husband and I lost the house, we got some money back from it. And are now living with his parents. I’ve spent some of the money unbeknownst to him and now after 9 years (celebrated our 9th on Sep 27th) I am planning on leaving him. I wanted to know if ya’ll have any suggestions on what i should do before dropping this bomb on him that im walking away. Things have gotten good then bad and now worst, he is always angry at me and is now playfully smacking me in the face. He says its “playful” but i think he is just testing boundaries to see what he can do. He has no issues telling me how worthless i am and how much of a pardon my french but, c**t i am. And how no one other than him could love me because of how i am. I am going to slowly work on getting my precious stuff out of the place we are staying. Like my Nino’s flag he got when he died since he was in the service and my pets ashes. I am worried this will go badly so I plan on telling his mom first so she can be around when this goes down. I am serious this time and am looking at an apartment Friday. I couldn’t have done this without the friend i mentioned earlier. She is so amazing and i am so lucky she fell in my life the way she did. I feel like i acutally deserve to be happy for once and i know that wont happen with him. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks for reading Snowy! <3 <3
I started my account here in 2012 I have been through a whirlwind of adventure. From countless suicide attempts I discovered a reason to stay alive. I definitely do struggle, I got severe post partum depression but that actually changed my life. It kicked me in the ass to get a job and I learned being a stay at home mom wasnt my thing and that’s okay. My fiance has abusive tendencies but honestly I do too and were working on them together. I have been the sole provider for nearly a year now my fiance can’t hold a job and money is my biggest stressor. His mom moved out of state to arizona and our lease is ending next month and we have nothing but .14 in savings he lost his most recent job. Its beyond frustrating but hes better in other ways and I remind myself that. Things are finally taking a dramatic turn. Come october 14th were packing all our belongings aside from essentials into storage and leaving for Arizona we plan on staying with his mom til were on our feet. I am over the moon. My life is simultaneously falling apart and coming together at the same time. My parents are so toxic it’s best we get away anyways. They relentlessly talk bad about my fiance tell me I’m better off without him and that I should stay home with them forever. I’m finally getting away and hopefully staying away.
My reminder to keep pushing forward things change things get better. I wouldnt get to experience this and all the amazing things that have happened it my attempts worked years ago. Hang in there y’all
Raisin is sitting atop my recliner, to the left of my head. Somedays she will perch on my shoulder, and as I type this, she just moved down to my chest, and now she’s jumped off and left the room. Silly kitten. Silly kitten and her sandpaper tongue. She chooses what she wants, oblivious to time, to deadlines, to my wants and needs. She’s full of love and only seeks to give it. But to her, what is time? It’s the gaps between feedings, it’s the gaps between head scratches, it’s just really not what it is to Chuck.
Chuck moved out of his home yesterday. When I arrived, he was kicking it on his couch. The hottest day of our summer so far, the thermometer on his porch read 107, but the actual high was only around 100. I believe that somewhere near 35 or 40 celsius. Hot. Stiflingly hot, not a day to have to move if you don’t need to, but there were no alternatives for Chuck.
On a day this hot, the last thing anyone needs is a fever, but yup, you guessed it, Charlotte said ol’ Chuck was running one. He didn’t jump up off the couch when we arrived, he lingered in the cool breeze of his air conditioning. Smart man. Hell, we all lingered in it. His neighbor was in his living room also, didn’t catch her name though. She was there to see him off, Charlotte was sent by the agency to assist with some of the finer details, and me, well I was just Chucks chauffer today.
Chuck resigned himself to rising, and slowly trudged through the living room, on his way to “go take a leak.” I had to remind myself to be patient – we were supposed to have left fifteen minutes ago. You know me – anal about schedules. So I breathed deeply and relaxed, Chuck needed to pee, and I’d expect to be afforded the same courtesy.
Looking around Chucks living room, I realized I’d never see it again. He has a wall that is painted with an aquarium scene, the entire wall a soft yet deep aquatic blue, in which swim a myriad of different fish. It’s mesmerizing and beautiful, never seen a wall painted this way. Very cool. A single lamp sitting on an end table next to his couch illuminated the small space. Drawn curtains would have rendered the room dark had the light been off. In the uncomfortable summer heat, Chucks living room felt cozy, lived in, lived in for many long years.
Chuck finished peeing and slowly walked through the kitchen, ready to head down the stairs and outside, into my company’s van. A wheelchair awaited him for his ride. Charlotte, neighbor and I had to decide how best to assist him down the stairs, hemming and hawing about supporting him here, holding him up there, and ensuring his safe journey down his five stairs and into the wheelchair. Chuck shut us up when he said “I’m a puss, but not a total puss – I can make it.” So we chuckled and stood aside while he carefully stepped down the stairs, turned and lowered himself into the wheelchair.
Neighbor brought a duffel bag of belongings and asked me if I had room on the van for it. Absolutely I had room, in the passenger seat, along with another bag of a few miscellaneous medical supplies. Charlotte asked Chuck if he wanted to hold on to his glasses and his phone, and he said he wouldn’t be able to, so I placed them in the center console of the van. Trivial items? Maybe. Where would some of us be without our glasses, where would all of us be without our phones? Yeah. It would suck, right? Glasses and phone. “Testicles, spectacles, wallet and watch” someone once offered as an amusing checklist of any man’s vital necessities before leaving on a trip.
It’s time to go, Chuck.
Securely seated in the passenger compartment of the van, neighbor and second neighbor both wish Chuck farewell, but not before Chuck asked second neighbor to “crack the window on his pickup just a smidge” because of the heat. “Will do!” he replied, followed by “You take good care, Chuck.”
I wonder if Chuck got to admire the aquarium scene on his wall before he left – I’ll never forget it. He won’t have it to look at anymore. Ever.
The drive to Eugene took about an hour, Chuck drifting in and out of sleep, and our brief conversations included topics ranging from his careers as a mechanic, roofer, and logger to all the dust being generated by the tractors plowing the fields of the farms we were passing as we journeyed towards the home of the Oregon Ducks, and Chucks new home.
Well, we made it, Charlotte pulled in just after me, having followed Chuck and me in the agency’s car. She smiled, checked on Chuck, and made contact with a nurse who said “Hi Chuck, we’re expecting you, your room is all ready!”
I lowered Chuck down out of the van and maneuvered him and his oxygen tank through the front doors, into a beautiful lobby. Think Colorado ski lodge. Gorgeous. Wood, everywhere. Deep, plush rugs covering wood floors, and oh man, the temperature – cool. Everyone commented on it. This place has GOOD air conditioning. To the left and right of the lobby are visiting areas, well lit by sunlight streaming through large windows, adorned with high quality and extremely comfortable looking furniture. Bookcases full of hardcover books, tables and desks with lush green plants create an environment amenable to sitting for hours and relaxing with friends.
Charlotte, nurse, Chuck and I made our way into Chucks new home. I became aware of the silence – there just isnt a lot of noise here. That’s good. Chuck will benefit from the peace.
Chucks bedroom here is simple, clean and comfortable. A dresser to the left of the door, ample closet space, and a large window letting in the bright sunlight. No aquarium scene, though. I wonder if Chuck will miss it. I would, but hey, maybe he’s tired of it. Thirty some odd years of looking at it, maybe he could care less.
Thirty some odd years in his old home, and today Chuck moved to his new home. He peed just before we left, and asked second neighbor to crack the window on his pickup just a smidge, because of the heat. Chuck isn’t a puss, he came down his steps under his own power, like a man, for the final time.
I guess I was trying to feel what Chuck was feeling as he moved to his new place. I tried to empathize, and maybe for a few seconds during my time with Chuck I felt some of what he was feeling. I felt tired, frustrated, relieved, angry, sad, confused. . . resigned.
Charlotte is Chucks caregiver, and a fine representative of the agency that employs her. She always has a smile on her face and a “can-do” attitude. Yeah, I’d hope the agency would send her to provide me care. She told me Chucks fever had been sitting at 101 degrees for about two weeks now, and well, his symptoms just aren’t improving.
The dresser to the left of his bedroom door is where I set Chucks phone and glasses. A doctor entered the room, sat down near Chuck, and began discussing his fever, and his hiccuping. He didn’t hiccup during the ride, but apparently it’s been an issue, and Doc brought it up.
So, my job is done, and I said “See you later, Chuck”, to which he replied “Thanks for the transport, and get your mechanic to look at the transmission soon.” Chuck had noticed an odd sound coming from the transmission as he rode with me, and his experience as a mechanic gave him reason for concern.
With a final word to Chuck that his glasses and phone were on the dresser, I left the room, walked through the quiet hall to the spacious, beautiful lobby, and found what I desperately needed – the bathroom. After a quick visit, I was back in the van and ready to leave.
Chuck will also leave soon, but not today. Charlotte says it could be just a matter of weeks, perhaps less.
Chuck is resigned, but he’s still holding on to his time. Why shouldn’t he? It’s his to do with as he damn well pleases. If he wants the window on his pickup cracked because of the days heat, well, somebody crack the damn thing, ok? It’s not too much to ask for a neighbor like Chuck!
Chuck wasn’t wearing a watch, maybe he didn’t own one, maybe like many of us, he checked the time by looking at his phone. Time is relative, you can have lots of it, or not. Chuck has had his time, but it’s running out.
Chuck was checked into hospice today, and will die in a beautiful facility with great air conditioning and extravagant furnishings in Eugene, fifty eight miles from the town where he called home since. . . forever.
I knew Chuck for ninety minutes. Ninety minutes of his time, ninety minutes of mine. That’s ninety minutes less for both of us.
Time is a-tickin’ for us. And back in Chucks living room, a myriad of fish swim in beautiful blue water, whether Chuck is there or not.
I wonder if neighbor one or two turned off the light on the end table next to his couch. I hope so. “There’s no point in leaving unnecessary lights on’ dammit!” just sounds like something Chuck would say.
We’ve all got time. Maybe plenty, maybe not. I suppose what we do with it is really all that matters.
See ya later, Chuck. Glad I met you.
I know I’m not alone. There are many people in my life who love me and I hold them dear to me. They always make it clear that they are here for me, but why do I not feel it? Why do I still feel so lonely at times. Laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. 11:59 p.m. on a school night. Darkness fills the empty silence in my room. Do they not feel the way I do at this very moment? Laying here with this empty feeling and no motivation to even move in the slightest. My mind can’t even race because it doesn’t want to. I just lay here. Empty. I muster up the ability to look at my phone. Everyone that says they are here, aren’t online. I send multiple “hey”s in an attempt to feel something from even a simple reply. Minutes pass. 12:17 a.m. I lay with my phone face down. On vibrate so it’s not too loud but not to quiet in case a miracle happens. 12:23 a.m. Buzz buzz. Hope. Flipping the phone over I see a message from one of my closest friends. “can’t talk right now, busy” it reads. Simple, yet defeating. I feel my entire body relax again. The tenseness I did not recognize until after my hopes were revealed to be for nothing. I want to say that I need help, but if everyone is too busy? Sleep for them is important, but why does no one care about sleep for me. I close my eyes and lay there for what feels like forever. 1:56 a.m. Sleep finally hits my tired body, only to be woken up at 6:00 a.m. Most left me on read or apologized because they were asleep. That’s fine. I wish I could, though. Something so simple, taken. I go to a school and work hard, only to find out I had 2 papers due and a packet of review work for some of my classes. I get a 0% on these assignments, but never an, “Are you okay?” I sit at lunch in silence. An apple comes flying backwards and hits my milk, knocking it all over me. He turns around and says a simple but empty apology claiming it was an accident. That’s it. The final push to me breaking down for the first time today. I begin crying and run off to clean up. 12:13 p.m. I come back to many harsh, expected words from the table next to mine. “Crying over spilled milk?” None of them know that I spent last night cutting up my leg while sobbing in the shower. None of them know that I couldn’t get sleep nor receive help. Defeated, yet unsurprisingly predictable. At the end of the day, I toss my backpack on the floor of my bedroom and feel tears coming down my cheeks. I lay back on my bed once more, feeling empty and meaningless. I drift off and dream of a world where I am happy and someone is always checking up on me to make sure I’m okay. Maybe one day I’ll have that. I continue to hope. Unnoticed. I am not alone in life, for I am just lonely.
Four years later, I am here; thankful that I didn’t give up, that i didnt end it when i thought that was my only option. I reread some of my posts and i remember vividly what that time was like but to anyone reading, to anyone searching for a sliver of hope to hold on to: this is for you. An overused cliche line i used to hate is “it gets better”, I always thought it was just a stupid expression, a common courtesy. But it does truly get better, it wont be easy and it wont be fast; it takes time – sometimes even four years (i should know) but holding on is so so worth it. See for yourself. Don’t end it.
So I just got home today after I didnt go home last night
Too much.. my head cant contain it
I dont want to go home
Then he come to save me
I cry in his shoulder and he pat my head gently
I go to his place and it took 1 hour to arrive
He try booking another room
But we ended sleeping in the same room
He said he usually playing game and sleep on the floor
I know he was lying
He fall asleep and often wake up to change his position
So I told him to sleep beside me on the bed
The bed is big for 2 of us
When he fall asleep deeper.. my depression go deeper too
I cant breath properly and want to vomit..
With that condition.. sleeping is a hard thing to do
After pondering.. i decided to hold his pinkie
I feel calm and my nausea slightly gone
He wake up again and realize i hold his hand
He hold my hand and i feel warm inside
But not long he let my hand go
I feel sad..
In the morning.. he touch my hand and finger again
I pretend to sleep and close my eyes
I like it cause it makes me calm
I like his hand its big and warm
Even tho actually my hand is warmer cause i have a little bit fever
And his hand a little bit sweaty too
I find it funny and adoreable
He tell me to sleep again and again and again
And i said i cant sleep again and again and again
That moment he watch my wrist and see the cut
He ask me “your habit recurred again.. when you did this?”
I hid my hand and tell him it was long ago
But he know its recent
He touch my cut
He said that he dont want me to be like that
“If you need me.. just contact me.. i know i cant always be there.. but at least you know that this person always support you”
But i cant reply
I really dont know how to love you properly
I dont want ended hurting you or hurting myself
Around 10 am i take a bath
Then he take a bath after me
I wear his navy green tshirt back to the bed
Then we watch drama together about he who is love company robot and her who is fall in love with the robot
He tell me that she is crazy
But i think she is not.. love is freedom at least its the only one you can choose by yourself
After that he watch his drama and sit beside me on the floor
I hold his hand again and trying to sleep on the bed
He pat my head again… gently…
When I open my eyes
He told me “hey you fall asleep”
And i said “how? Im not.. i can hear the drama sound and i feel like im thinking and only close my eyes”
He reply “but you snore and you sleep for 45 mins”
I dont believe it but its a good news
Maybe its because he hold my hand and pat my head..
When he want to go buy food for our lunch
I dont want to let his hand go
“Just a little bit more..” I said
He giggle and said you are too adorable
He tell me to smile more
He tell me that i look pretty even without make up
He tell me that i look cute even yesterday when my face looks pale and pouting
He tell me his feelings wont change even tho im sick and have depression
He tell me he will go meet me everyday even tho im crazy and cant recognize him
Thank you for liking every side of me even the bad one.. really bad one
here i go again
trying to say things
to make it all easier
to help hurt less when the day comes
being an asshole
another sleepless night
the words of hers stuck in my head
i was just trying to do you right
but i can’t
learn from your mistake they said
i’m like a bomb but i’m constantly exploding
i was just trying to get you out of the blast zone
but i can’t
i need you here to hold down the switch to stop me from exploding
one last time
not enough tears can say i’m sorry
all of this just tells me
maybe it is time
to take that final bow
i don’t know how long it will take me to get better
i don’t know if i can
i don’t know if you are still gonna be here when i do
i don’t know if i’m going to be here for long
but i do know
someone else will come along and not make those mistake
to be better
better then i was
I’m done. I’ve had enough of Arizona. This place is literally my own personal version of hell on earth. I was born in AZ but it doesn’t mean I have to love it. My skin hates it so much. Triple digit temperatures all week are no fun when you gotta walk 15miles just to get to work. The careless peeps who run my side of town won’t build or expand public transportation in many neglected areas out here. I have a car now but I remember when I didn’t have one and arriving to work smelling like shit from sweating on my way there. Besides the weather, I have nothing but painful memories here. I hate seeing certain places that remind of bad memories. I guess I can thank my broken family for that. I’m abandoning them and unfortunately I can’t tell them where I’m going because I don’t want them to follow. There’s a few that I will miss so much but I know if I tell them where I’ll be going then they’ll just pass the word around to the rest. I’m doing this for me and hopefully for my future children if I ever get the opportunity to have some of my own. I’ll be moving to New Mexico. I don’t have much to lose. All I need is me and my car. Obviously it would be wise to secure a job over there first as well as an apartment. I’m not that naive to think I can just get up and go without any roadblocks. This is why I will be preparing for 1 year. I’ve done my research on communities and the environment over there. I’m well aware that I will be needing a new driver’s license as well. I can go on and on about how much I’ve thought this through just to prove that I have in fact researched enough. But my decision has been made.
Everything I own can fit in my small car so theres one less roadblock most people face when moving. The minimum wage may be lower over there but so is their housing prices. $9 an hour will be their minimum wage starting next year. Found many studio apartments for $500-$700. That’s an easy price to pay in my opinion. A little over a weeks worth of work and I have enough to rent a studio apartment already with the income tax rate in between 1.7% – 4.9%. In comparison to Arizona’s 2.59% – 4.54%. And many decent apartments out here cost a lot more between the ranges of $775-$950. People say that’s cheap in comparison to other places but if I can go cheaper without sacrificing safety and quality then WHY NOT?! And yes there are cheaper apartments out here that only charge $500 per month but those are the ones located in areas populated with gangbangers, drunk college students and crackheads as well as prostitutes. I’m sure this happens in every state but the key is knowing which areas to stay away from. Anyways I’m absolutely certain that I will love New Mexico. I’m tired of being trapped in Arizona aka satans fiery asshole. This place is getting too crowded anyway with the high rates of population growth every year here. And the natural formations out there look beautiful….at least based on what I can see from the pictures. I’ll be going out for walks, hikes more often once I get out there.
As I sit here alone tonight, this website came into my mind for the first time in almost 2 years. It almost feels sad that I still remembered my old login so easily.
As all of you may know, I’ve been harassed lately and now I’ve found a way to cope with my depression. My friends told me that I can’t just hide from society even if that’s the only way to feel better, they also told me that I have to face my fears. A method they think could help was try and meet new friends, which is understandable. And the other one was listen to music that made me feel comforted and special, they suggested a bunch of artist but the one that stand out for me was BTS. so I started listening to their music and it really felt like I was being comforted and especially the lyrics of the songs are just so good. Why I like them was because they help keep my suicide thoughts out of my mind, so I’ve been quiet happy lately. So this August 25th I’m going to there concert with my friends. Cause I have more reasons to live now and that made me and my friends happy.