Category:

Stories of Loss

For those who have passed on.

the guilt of a victim

by system 3/5/2021

written by system

i am left with unbearable shame after what he did to me. i dwell on what i “could have done differently” and go into a spiral of self blame and hatred. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. when truly, no, it wasn’t. he had every opportunity to not be an abusive, sadistic, conscienceless monster. he chose to continue. he chose to blackmail me. he chose to abuse me. he chose to force me to mutilate myself. i did not choose to be abused. i did not choose to be stripped of my dignity. i did not choose to become a puppet.

I WAS […]

3/5/2021 3 comments

i love the person you pretended to be

by system 3/4/2021

written by system

“I’m sorry if I’m too pushy sometimes : ( I’m bad at showing my feelings, I’m sure you’ve noticed. but I truly do love you & it did really hurt when you said those things about no one being able to love you…. I know you’ve probably heard this a thousand times over, but that’s just not true. you’re pretty & vvvvv lovable you stupid.”

you never loved me. never. you never did. you lied to me. ******, why did you do this to me?

you would always tell me “this is the last time i’ll make you do anything like this”

but it was never the last […]

3/4/2021 13 comments

i love you, i want you dead

by system 3/3/2021

written by system

“I will xoxo. I hope someday you’ll truly realize how much I love you, how much I care for you & how I’ll never do anything to bring you harm ever again. your body is just so perfect to me, I adore your personality & the way you feel for me & love me makes me wanna break down. please don’t confuse me wanting your body, as the only reason I talk to you.”

oh, trust me, I fucking know that’s not the only reason you talked to me. you spoke to me because you wanted to keep me wrapped around your finger. you spoke to […]

3/3/2021 2 comments

why do i miss you

by system 3/2/2021

written by system

“the thought of what I did to you, it tore me up inside. you didn’t deserve that, no one does. thinking of how happy you made me, how miserable I made you feel at times. how could you forgive me? please don’t confuse me as ungrateful, I love you. how could I not? I hate to be an echo chamber of words whispered into your ear a million times over, but you’re worth it. your smile that could melt away the stars, so bright, filling others with pure bliss. your soft spoken words, it’s as if the wind carries your words & dance to the […]

3/2/2021 5 comments

liar [internal dialogue]

by system 3/1/2021

written by system

you lied.

you lied you lied you lied you lied you LIED.

liar liar liar liar liar LIAR

YOU WERE AND CONTINUE TO BE THE SOURCE OF MY PAIN, I FEEL SO ALONE WITHOUT YOU AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME.

FUCK YOU

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I WISH I NEVER […]

3/1/2021 9 comments

temptation

by system 2/27/2021

written by system

i’m tempted to do it; to take a butcher’s knife and just cut off the flesh in which his name is engraved. i would take back my power and erase him from me. this vessel is no longer mine. i want to tear off my skin. i feel ashamed and disgusting to have ever been in his control. i have not yet figured out how to un-train myself to sit, stay, and lay down. the fear is embedded in my soul and my entire being.

i’m tempted to do it, if i’m lucky i might just bleed out

2/27/2021 14 comments

internal dialogue

by system 2/26/2021

written by system

I can’t take it
i can’t I can’t i can’t
get out of my head
get out of my head
get OUT OF MY HEAD

I hate him
why did he do this to me?? why did he make me do all those things?? i want to tear my flesh open my skin is fucikgin crawling
I HATE YOU ****** you took EVERYTHING FROM ME

YOU TURNED MY 8 YEARS OF ABUSE INTO 9. THIS BODY IS NO LONGER MINE, YOUR NAME IS ENGRAVED IN IT.

im at my fucking breaking point. i’m VERY close to making an extremely irreversible impulsive decision. would that make you happy, ******???? […]

2/26/2021 4 comments

everything and nothing

by system 2/25/2021

written by system

he gave me everything and nothing all at the same time. i was absolutely convinced that i was in love with him, that he was the only one who could ever truly be with me. because he told me so. he told me that he was the only person who could ever possibly understand someone like me, the only person who could truly make me happy. it was a falsity, to say the least. a sham. i bled for him. i destroyed myself for him. i gave him every ounce of life that i had left in me until i was running on empty. […]

2/25/2021 3 comments

nameless, faceless

by system 2/23/2021

written by system

they seldom had a name or a face. they knew everything about me but i knew nothing about them. their anonymity versus my specificity. no name, no face. just words, just abuse. they offered me nothing but threats and love that was a falsity. once caught in the first one’s trap, i was left wounded like a fox in the jaws of a bear trap. with bone showing and flesh cut away, it made me easier to catch. it weakened me. then came the next hunter, the next predator. and the next. and the next. unachievable is my justice as they remain nameless, faceless.

2/23/2021 2 comments

grieving for things i hardly remember

by system 2/22/2021

written by system

my early childhood. back then, when my sadness was not my default emotion. back then, when i had everything. when the world was beautiful. when i wasn’t running on empty. when things were ok. when i was ok. when my household was happy and perfect. everything was perfect. before my disorders started to show up.

yet, that feeling of happiness has become so fleeting, so foreign. i have yet to re-experience the bliss and carelessness i had as a young child. so many things that i cannot remember. but i think back, and i remember how i used to smile. i had a best friend. i […]

2/22/2021 1 comment

repulsion

by system 2/14/2021

written by system

the disgust. the self shaming and hatred. it kills me. because of the nature of the abuse i’ve endured, i’m left with a body devoid of purity, a husk adorned with scars and tainted with contempt. i am repulsed. i am repulsed with myself, i am repulsed by sexuality because it has not been presented to me as a loving gift, but a weapon. a weapon to degrade me and disintegrate any sense of dignity i had left. a weapon to steal away the power from me, to leave me as nothing but a puppet. a slave. reduced to an object. discarded once they’ve tortured […]

2/14/2021 3 comments

Ice, darkness and ants.

by Once 2/14/2021

written by Once

Hello insomnia, again. This is sort of a non-specific rant, about nothing. Today’s Valentines day, and here I am, pouring out my heart to SP. Wonderful. Maybe I’ll buy it some flowers and am box of chocolates. What a stupid tradition, right up there with the World War 1 xmas truce – let’s stop killing one another and exchange gifts for one evening. There was a nasty ice storm here night before last. The power has been out for a while and I am unable to relax enough to sleep while wearing twenty pounds of […]

2/14/2021 7 comments

What I want from life is something it can’t offer.

by ThrowItAway 2/4/2021

written by ThrowItAway

A decade ago I entered high school. My middle school friends and I ended up not having any shared courses with each other throughout all of high school. So it’s no surprised that we ended up drifting apart. I didn’t really end up making any new friends either. After high-school the acquaintances I did make went out to different parts of my country to go the university. At this time I ended up in University and was truly alone. Outside of group projects I can’t say I interacted with anyone much; no parties, no trips, nothing. Attend lectures, do projects, waste my life, go to […]

2/4/2021 3 comments

today, and all the other days [a cry for help]

by system 2/4/2021

written by system

I’m hurting a lot today. I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting. Everything has become so mundane. I’ve been sober since late September, I think. I’m proud of myself, I guess. But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult. I’m having the same issue with sleep. I have horrifying chronic nightmares. Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror. I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. I used to snort Ritalin at night in […]

2/4/2021 3 comments

how do i feel

by system 2/3/2021

written by system

Dead. Dead, but breathing, to put it simply. I can feel myself deteriorating slowly from the inside. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I can feel it in my bones. At this point, I look into the mirror and I am terrified. Who the hell is that? Is that me?

Is it?

I suppose I look like any other person. I suppose.

My insides are all sick and rot. Like bondage on my organs, the PTSD gets a tighter hold on me every single day. I can’t quite process what happened in August. I know what happened, but it all feels like a fever dream. Do I really have the right […]

2/3/2021 3 comments

just end this, she was my only friend

by lonely_loner 2/2/2021

written by lonely_loner

I made very good friends with a girl on Roblox, who I call Bella.

She was my only friend, better yet, my bff. She was the only who understood.

But then things got awkward.

We didn’t know what to say. We didn’t even know what to do.

Eventually, I joined, and she told me it was super awkward. She said that was all she could say.

I asked her if this was goodbye.

She never responded in chat.

So, when she spoke again to someone else, I private chatted her. And told her, Thank you for being my friend. Bye. <3

And I left.

Then I erased all contact. All of it.

I am only […]

2/2/2021 3 comments

Tissue Box

by BlueFairy 1/29/2021

written by BlueFairy

This isn’t the one about the editor or the one about the illustrator.

1/29/2021 0 comment

I wonder what it must feel like for a parent to….

by its_my_fault_how 1/18/2021

written by its_my_fault_how

See your oldest son wither away right before your eyes. I’m a parent of a 6 and 4 year old. I am a veteran who could barley stand on two feet before the military. Sprinkle some uncle sam b/s into the equation and you have damaged goods.

But as a parent…what’s it like to watch your oldest son wither away like an parched plant. I know it’s gotta be tough. I have ignored and self medicated my mental illness to the point where I am debilitated. They are old school and wounds you can’t see dont exist. Plus, being 34 on the cot in the […]

1/18/2021 4 comments

I wanted to get a hotel room…

by its_my_fault_how 1/18/2021

written by its_my_fault_how

I usually hide in hotel rooms due to not having a stable living situation. I made enough money to do so back when I was contracting for the military. Can’t afford it now. No where to hide the meltdown of drinking myself to sleeping pill after sleeping pill. This time in particular its bad. It’s more physical than it’s ever been.

1/18/2021 2 comments

Any odds are good odds for the damned

by Thewayoutisthrough 1/13/2021

written by Thewayoutisthrough

”I still love you as much as i did then which is totally a whole frikin lot! I’ll never leaveeee youuuuu because i needdddddd youuuu foreverrrr innnn myyy lifeeee (yes there is a tune to that, my own kind of tune that is) Well my sweet sweet love i’m going to sit in front of the heater my feet seem to be going nmb from the coldness. I LOVE YOU LIKE A FAT KID LOVES CAKE”

but then you left us all.

i hate this.

1/13/2021 0 comment

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