The title. I’ve been circling around it for years, and I’m finally here. Not on the going through with the process, but the decision. And to think my astrological sign was going to get lucky from May 16 to the end of the year or more. What an astounding lie.

I wish I could take this beater car and travel back in time. I miss the old days. Life today is such a scam. Tomorrow will be, too.

I’ve been collecting little trinkets that remind me of the past. Zippo lighters, books I used to read, visiting old places. It fills the void, you know? It’s so lonely these days. I’m always in a dark room. I’m tired of watching the sun rise. Each day is painful because time moves and I’m older again. Every now and then we review where our life has taken us and I’m still in so much pain. It really isn’t […]

This has been the worst fucking birthday, and I’ve had a lot of bad ones -_-

I thought I was this confident, stoic, and driven guy. I thought.

But nah I get myself in an interesting (fucked up?) situation. I start feeling so lost and, well, not me. I totally have lost myself. Maybe I was this guy. Maybe. If I was, I am definitely not anymore. I am so confused, jealous, insecure, overwhelmed, undisciplined, and fucking easy on myself. I hate it! It’s why I am so easily emotional and heartbroken these days. I thought I was ready. I thought I was different. But I’m fucking not. I’m just not.

:'(

I cant stop thinking about things. I wish I could be lovable, worth loving. Yet I’m this. Rotten pile of scum. Perhaps if I changed entirely, as in no part of myself existed anymore, and I was completely different, better, then maybe I would be. There must be something wrong with me that I can change. I want to be worth loving. I don’t want someone loving me to be a burden on their life. I don’t want it to be an obligation, or something someone does out of pity. But, all I am is pitiful. I’m ashamed of my existence. People say to change […]

but NO ONE would help me, and so I’ve rotted, and become rotten. Is it a wonder I’ve been the way I am? It’s not my fault I’ve become an angry monster. That anger has been flamed by EVERYONE in this shitty world that’s done me wrong. EVERY. SINGLE.ONE. of those fuckers.

was extinguished long ago. What’s left is an angry weepy mess. :'(

There’s so much misery inside of me, that I’ve spent so many years burying. Parts of me I didn’t know how to fulfil, or was too scared to. And in order to bury that misery, I’ve given power to other parts of myself that are insatiable, compulsions that never bring real peace or satisfaction.

So now no matter what I do, some repressed part of me will be screaming for the alternative. Contentment is not possible. It’s just a question of which path brings less misery. And knowing that makes me want to give up. But I won’t let myself end it. I’m too afraid of […]

I did it. I graduated high school today. It’s been a long day. The graduation part went fine, even though it was overwhelming. Had my after party, I even got my mom to come for a little bit, even though she was pissed off at my dad for some reason and hated the idea of being surrounded by people she hadn’t been around in years. But I’m glad she stuck by for a little bit.

I don’t really know how to feel about any of this. I’m sure this will all hit really soon and I’ll be terrified and upset, but right now I’m just… here. […]

I’m so tired of feeling this way. The pain is unbearable. Depression steals so much from me.

Yesterday morning I met a girl on the bus and I talked to her. Then in the evening I cried because I thought I would never see her again. 

I don’t understand why I’m so sentimental. My mood just goes up, down, up, down, and then flatlines. Like right now I just feel empty. There are so many things in my head that bother me. I feel like I am controlled mostly by fear. Like an animal. Fear of being alone. Fear of being judged. Fear of getting too close to someone. Fear of being depressed. And sometimes I even fear being happy. And forgetting. 
I […]

there was a point where i stopped feeling so depressed. it felt like coming up for a breath after a long dive in the ocean.  or like a foggy window, where the middle was finally wiped so i could properly see out of it. my head felt clearer. i didn’t feel so muddled in the dark. i felt nothing. or more so, i didn’t feel that depression anymore.

i could be happy, angry, or sad without feeling that depression. it was extremely weird; it was such a strange feeling. i had spent literally every day for at least 3 years feeling depressed. every, single, day. then […]

your insane fucked up mom is LESS insane and LESS fucked up than you are. -_-

-_-

I’m trying to shut it out, the real world, the whole ball of wax….. there’s nothing there for me right now anyway.

I keep getting sucked back in, into the drama, into the dopamine high of watching others hurt….. how sick is that? If there’s anything that makes me doubt intelligent design, it’s how humans handle dopamine. We like pain, mostly causing it but some sick folks like feeling it too…. I’ve been in both positions.

So why can’t I just drop it, all the dirt, all the agony and wailing, why isn’t it easier to look away? I’m trying, for what that’s worth. I’ve closed all […]

My mind is a mess, isn’t it?

Chad awoke in a strange area.

Multiple small islands surrounded him, floating in mid air. On each island, there’s a marble statue. Each statue is of something… significant? Chad doesn’t remember.

A football, a clarinet, running shoes, a bottle of… whiskey?

Chad doesn’t drink.

He’s just… uncertain. In a haze of utter madness and chaos.

He stands up, brushes himself off, and moves toward the statue of the football.

In a flash, he sees himself, scoring a touchdown! He almost forgot how passionate he was about football.

His teammates dunk him in sports drink and he gets a kiss from a hot cheerleader.

I don’t really feel […]