it has been 8 months since i last saw him, i cant remember the last time we spoke and its my fault for ignoring him. things were never meant to be this way and it is selfish of me to want but i wish thinsg were how they used to be. iam so scared of losing him and i really love my dad and i always have even if hes not a great guy to everyone else he was to me and i miss him so much but seeing him now is different to what we used to have things wont ever be the same […]
What a waste to live life having depression 90% of your life. Years and decades go by and you’re miserable af. Severe depression is so debilitating. And no one understands. We’re just labeled as “lazy” and shunned by society.
I have all these thoughts that come to me day after day, but when I get here to write them down, they seem to slip away. I still don’t know if I’m going to quit my Masters or stick with it. I’ve been looking up jobs in my spare time. I forgot why I choose to continue my education and run away from joining the workforce. Then I see the job postings and I remember again. It seems like I’d be worthless as a masters student or as a regular engineer. I can’t do anything. I’m totally worthless. […]
I hate and am ashamed of myself. I will never be able to be the perfect version of me that I expect myself to be. I dont even know why I always want to seem perfect and appear strong in front of people when inside I feel worthless and wish the worst to myself. It’s all an act, my life is like a super long and boring theater play staring a main actress that can’t even act properly.
I want to run away and hide from everyone. Live in a little farm or in the woods.. Next to a lake would be ideal. I don’t […]
oohhh my god. every morning is craziness. I’ts always “Why can’t you get ready faster” “Why do you sleep in so late” “I’m only trying to help you” “I’m disappointed in you”. I am bombarded by all this shit when I get up and I say “can we please have a peaceful morning just once?” and she says “Oh I know let me walk on eggshells because god forbid anyone hurts you’re one feeling”. I’ts got nothing to do with hurting my feelings, I’ts the fact that I am always doing something wrong. I know I should realize that it’s always going to be that […]
I am loosing my mind. I hate high school and I hate people. Everyday is so draining. everybody has been getting on my last nerve. I had to start working less shifts at my job because im so tired. Everyday is the same cycle of bullshit 1.wake up 2.get ready 3.go to school 4.deal with the same annoying people 5.deal with teachers who are in a shitty mood because these kids behave so shitty towards them. 6. go home and get Lectured about how I need to do better. its the same thing every day. its exhausting. and my mom wonders why I drank. […]
I can’t quite put it into words but
we were something else.
We burned bright together but
what was even more beautiful was how
we glowed in presence of each other.
I honestly thought we’d go the distance
but the fates conspired and we were
nothing more than ships passing in the night.
And though we never reached the shores
of our dreams together,
We should never meet in another life
19 Lies You Were Told as a Kid—That You Probably Still Believe
Adam and Eve ate an apple
“We see it in artwork, in TV shows, and movies that the forbidden fruit Adam and Eve ate referenced in the bible was an apple, right? Not so much. It is never actually referred to as any specific fruit. Many theologists theorize that, given the other geographical landmarks referenced, the fruit was likely a pomegranate or fig.”
Holy cow, I’m not religious but I just assumed there was an apple in the bible in the Adam and Eve story, bc that’s just what we’ve all been told, everywhere. […]
The fuck is this? Oppositional Defiant Disorder??
They’re just straight up making up shit.
Oppositional Defiant Disorder- ODD
“A disorder in a child marked by defiant and disobedient behavior to authority figures.
The cause of oppositional defiant disorder is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors.
Symptoms generally begin before a child is eight years old. They include irritable mood, argumentative and defiant behavior, aggression, and vindictiveness that last more than six months and cause significant problems at home or school.
Treatment involves individual and family therapy.”
So literally anyone who doesn’t believe in mainstream propaganda or doesn’t believe in authoritarian rules […]
Im 42 and I feel like I just wasn’t made for life. The thought of living 40 more years is so overwhelming. It’s also scary to share with people who aren’t strangers because they will lock you up for 3 days like they did my friend Mel. She’s dead now. I’m having a hard day. I have an autism 5 year old who screams ALOT and I love him so much but it’s hard being his parent. I hope I haven’t broken any post rules. I’m new. I haven’t left the house in 3 years and I needed to talk about how I am feeling. […]
I’m so damned tired- physically exhausted- but can’t sleep, then can’t function during the day. I am so weak. Bc I’m too exhausted to even go to the grocery store, then I don’t have enough nutrients, causing me to be even more weak and tired.
It hurts so bad.
I don’t want to be sick and tired anymore. No one knows what it’s like except for the ppl who are chronically ill and with chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s absolute fucking torture. And yes, I WOULD wish it on my worst enemy.
I don’t know if I’ve ever given as far into medications as I have this past year. Like borderline abusing medications, getting as medicated as I could so I didn’t have to feel. I’m not even sorry about any of that. I think that was the right move.
Lately though, the cost is getting to me. For one no sex drive, and I’m married to someone I love, I have things I could do if I had a sex drive. The other thing is that my energy level is constantly low right now. I thought I was just unmotivated, but I just feel tired all the […]
Trying is scary to me. If I do everything within my power, and it’s still not close to enough to get me anywhere worthwhile, but I still don’t have it in me to end it, then I’m just… stuck. Stuck in complete misery and despair. No more false hope or fantasies to tell myself, to get me through the day. Just the unrelenting awareness of my failure and inferiority. That’s terrifying.
But at the moment the story I’m telling myself is that I will try. That I am trying. Tentatively and gradually at first. But that I will eventually do all that’s reasonably possible to find […]
Woke up to being thrown out of my guild in this stupid game I’m playing. Then I went to join another guild, only to be kicked out of that one bc “my team is too weak.”
TF. We can’t even play games now without having to be in teams or guilds where you have to rely on others to do their end of the “work” and to do it well.
Whatever happened to just playing a fucking game at your own pace and having fun? Back in the day, games weren’t so “team” based. It’s fucking annoying now.
It wouldn’t be such a fucking […]
Emotional Deprivation in Infancy. 1948 Study comparing orphans to home babies
And this is why shit like “just think happy thoughts” don’t fucking work. Someone who has been physically and emotionally neglected since they were young does not and CANNOT get better with just “thinking positive.” We are so damaged, physically and cognitively. The problems are permanent (unless the baby was taken out of that bad environment into a good one as a baby/toddler).
I wasn’t an orphan but my childhood was SUPER horrible- I was neglected and uncared for, and then later abused for most of my childhood/teens, so no, I did […]
I just don’t know. I’m so far behind in school work. I am so behind in everything. I lack a lot of the social skills I need to make it. I am not sure when it started. When I started giving up. I think I don’t do anything anymore because I have already failed the school year, so what’s the point in trying. I keep saying I’ll try harder but I don’t.
I don’t know when I started drinking but it’s become a thing. I realized that I just take whatever I can […]
I’ve moved around a lot all my life. I would say that I’ve had about 7 childhood homes? I’ve lived in about 5 more houses, and I’m about to move again. Considering I’m only 16, it’s so much. A lot of people don’t have to constantly shift areas, they can just live in their childhood homes up until they leave school. Or maybe they’ll move once or twice. Sometimes I wonder how it would’ve been to have a stable place. It’s more of a passing thought though, it’s not my reality.
Centering this back in. At some point I started living with my mom and brother. […]
Started getting ready around 2:10PM.
Left the house at 2:40PM
1- I went out to get groceries, then put everything away
2- Did Laundry
3- Showered
5- Ate Dinner
It is now 10:08PM.
Took me 8 fucking hours to literally get groceries and do laundry.
I’m exhausted and feel like I’m about to collapse.
FML.
for the record, never found support for this, and I’ve been looking.
I was raised in high achievement culture. Put it this way, I only made friends with weirdos and outcasts, and most of the people I grew up around ended up pretty damn successful. I say all this to say I’m the runt of the litter, the black sheep who despite fine breeding and training still ended up almost useless.
And again; this is something I’ve never found another likewise afflicted. The pressure, to be something, somebody….. it’s unreal.
Today it hit me in the gut again, because once again I demonstrated my ability to adapt and […]