I’m so tired today. And overwhelmed. I just need a break. Maybe I could play sick? Idk. Seeing as I was always forced to go to school and do things anyway, and would get in trouble on top of that, I’m not sure how well it would work. But maybe it’s worth a shot. I cant stand this shit.

I just want to go home. It’s not been a good day so far. I’ve been forcing myself not to cry for half the day, because I’ve been around elementary kids for one of my classes and that would’ve been embarrassing. Not that high school is much […]

First I want to recommend a game I’ve been playing that is amazing in how good it is at relaxing me. It’s called Dorfromantic and it’s on Steam. It was marketed to me as a puzzle game, which it is, but you’re putting together a landscape and how you do it changes every time. You complete certain goals, you get more tiles.

Anyway the dark side of that is that I’ve lost about five hours today playing it. I can barely remember…. it’s legit lost time. Is that a bad thing? I’ve also been wondering if there are diminishing returns on escapism, like there are only […]

So I’ve spent the past couple of days finishing my byebye notes, (I don’t like the word suicide) but anyways, I know I won’t be ready for a little bit, you know? Do you guys thinks its bad for me to do that? I know bads not a good word for it, but I’m not sure how else to say it.

I’m not any better. I don’t know what I am anymore, other than exhausted in every way possible. And a pathetic little child. I need to realize I was probably a burden on my parents from what little I can remember, and that I’m no better now, for anyone. I’ve always been a selfish horrible pathetic little brat, havent I? I just couldn’t listen, I just needed to be talked to even though everyone was going through a hard time. All because I felt alone. I don’t know why I dont just end it now. I’m no better now. I keep my mouth shut for […]

I want not to feel this anymore. What is this? An insanely messy and conflicting mesh of things. In no particular order…

Fear: I’m afraid that I am completely unacceptable to other people, and will never be acceptable, no matter what I do in future. I have done unforgivable things, and want to do even more unforgivable things, and if anyone ever finds out, I will face violence & rejection. And if no one ever finds out, I’ll just be alone. Even if I’m with someone. Alone with the knowledge of what I’ve done, and what I still want to do.
Longing/Craving: Sometimes for healthy/good things. Sometimes for […]

What would you do if you found:
1- $10?
2- $100?
3- $1000?
4- $10,000?
5- $100,000?
6- $1,000,000?
7- $10,000,000?
(let’s say it’s not anyone’s lost money or any mafia money, so it’s ok to keep it or use it)

8- and would you still be depressed af if you had 1M or 10M?

I am not a child anymore.
I have not seen or spoken to these people in years.

They do not affect me. They SHOULD not affect me. They have NO bearing on my life— I need them out of my head. I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to REMEMBER any of it, because it DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE.
I don’t want to keep revisiting these things, unbidden. I have long since removed myself from the source, but somehow it keeps following me in my mind, creeping in without rhyme or warning.
It should not take so long to rid my body of […]

Just got my desktop to work again, though it’s not at 100%, but the point is I’m starting to feel a bit less disconnected, that sort of scared that I might have to do without long term.

it’s like I always say; little steps. Make a bit of progress, be satisfied with it. The second part is the one I’m still working on

Very profound and heartbreaking video. Definitely check it out!

This is why stuff like “thinking positive” doesn’t work on a lot of ppl.
If you’ve been abused/neglected/etc it goes way beyond just “thinking happy thoughts.”

Also, a commenter made a great point:
“It’s sad and everyone understands when it’s a child, but these same children become adults and people just expect them to be fully functioning and well-developed. There is no compassion then.”

EXACTLY.
We are just blamed and told to just “suck it up” and “forget about the past” and “just move on.” Anyone who’s ever been abused knows it’s not easy to just […]

Who would of thought that id randomly apply for a job and actually get it. Not only am i doing great, ive had three managers pull me aside and tell me that they want to start training me to have a position equivalent to theirs. I actually made the steps to be legit and get my drivers license too. Im not sure if im manic or something (im schitzoaffective) but i dont want to sink into another depression.

Came across this on reddit.

—–
“In my opinion this is why our smartest individual often suffer from crippling addictions.

The difference between “smart” and “dumb” is usually just focus with a sprinkling of aptitude. “smart” people focus more on their tasks for longer, but i dont think thats always a choice. Often “smart” people are frankly obsessed with whatever it is they are doing, to an unhealthy degree, and not by choice. Some minds just always need that level of stimulus, and for them i think the only way to ever actually rest in a lot of ways is to numb with substances. In […]

I know we don’t talk methods, but this here is a method that doesn’t kill, it just…. relocates. So my body is going to be all hell to try and kill. Lots of people are attached to it/would get upset if it wasn’t alive anymore.

I had this idea a few decades ago, but I didn’t have all the code for it. The idea of metacognition is to reprogram your own brain, and finally with a BS in psychology and computer science, I think I might just manage it.

The idea is to lift the back wall. Escape sanity, not life. I was just reviewing my music […]

The main reason why I write here anymore is because I just want to put my thoughts down. Maybe it is disrespectful to the other people here who have problems greater than mine. I look back on it and realized I had a real nice life. A lot of it I felt suicidal, but thinking about it now I can’t find the reasons why. I know other people on here have legit reasons for their desire to die. Legit suffering. Maybe looking back on it I never had that. It was always good and I was too stupid […]

I should be working. Instead I’m lying in bed, wallowing in my despair. I need to work because…? I remember, I need money to survive. And I need to survive because…? The answer to that one is fucking complicated.

Why would killing myself not be the reasonable choice? I’m alone. I spend each day and each night alone. And I’m likely to always be alone, to some extent. Even if I somehow made a lot of money, and sorted out all the material issues in my life, I’d still be left with the chronic inability to connect to other people. Even if I’m with someone, I’ll […]

How do you know if you’re “crazy” by societal standards?

I have some medical issues that affect me on a day to day and sometimes, I hear my parents calling my name when they’re nowhere near me. I pass out a fair bit when laying down and dream about random nonsense and I guess some people I knew from the before times. Random songs I’d heard before play in my head at random and I’d like it very much to stop. I flip back and forth between okay and not okay, and I’m always stressed about money shit. I need help but I’m in […]

I want to go home and sleep. I don’t want to bother with these thoughts anymore. Knowing I’m undeserving of any friends or my partners love/affection. Despite what they say I cant help but wonder if they(partner) would be better off without me around. Like everyone else. But I don’t know. My mind won’t let me think otherwise – I really have nothing to combat those thoughts. I’m just a pathetic little failure.

It’s my bio. dads birthday today. I can’t help but wonder how fucking disappointed he is in me. Not that he’s said anything directly, half the time he barely says anything […]

Most people are damaged. That sucks.

a small part of me is happy that my anxiety was vindicated, hit a snag in the Desktop work… now I don’t have it, spent a whole day working my butt off, and nothing, not yet anyway. I’m not saying it’s a lost cause, just more than I can take on, and it hurts.

Which is that hollowed out feeling. I feel like a Jack=O-Lantern, outwardly I don’t look too bad. Inside….. rot, deep and expanding rot. I keep smiling because I know the time will come soon that I can’t. I keep working because I know my capacity is waning. It feels literally like I’m […]

Eternal Hell
Is just living
Having to Exist
Wishing you didnt have to be here
Disgusted everybody
Im a monster
That deserves to die
Taking secrets to the grave
Made mistakes i wish i didnt make
Now im defined by my problems
Not strong enough to solve them
Fading away slowly
Time only endures the pain
One final day, It can all fade away
Until the pain ends, the only way i know out
Into the darkness, i will finally Escape