i dont know why but i cant handle looking at myself. it makes me want to cry but i just cant. i seriously dont even know why this happens. i have a boyfriend but i know he could do so much better than me. i look at myself and i just want to disappear. my existence is embarrassing. i dont want to know what other people see. all of my friends are so pretty and i cant help but feel ugly.i dont even know if im ugly. i just want someone to tell me the truth. i dont want people to lie and […]
I’m 13 years old.
I’ve been on and off suicidal for 3 years, and the only reason I’m not dead yet is because I’m too weak to kill myself (I have very low pain tolerance).
There is so much I could talk about, but I need someone to listen to this…
I’m a waste of space, ok?
Don’t you fucking dare say I’m not.
I’m behind in school, I’m terrible at comforting people, I’m a creep, I’m crazy, and I have no fucking excuse.
I deny compliments, I talk shit about myself frequently to others, and they keep trying to be […]
it’s been a while since i posted here
they put so much pressure on me to know what i want to be doing in the future though the way they act, it’s hard to know what i should be doing in the present. it’s hard trying to follow their every command, trying to be perfect.
it’s so confusing.
i have this girl who calls herself my friend, but i’ve never said i’m hers. i hate her so much. she’s so self-centered, and the few times i’ve attempted to bring up my own problems(never again) she always makes it about her, and brings up her own. it’s […]
the only thing keeping me alive is my plan for when i go back to school, which will be next year.
i plan to commit in january 2024 at the top of my school building. i honestly hope i follow through with it. i’ve tried committing over 30 times these past 4 years, in which they all failed as you can see.
every day i try to find a reason to stay alive (in which i always succeed). but today, i really can’t find one.
nobody actually understands my sadness. i hate it honestly. but then again, they haven’t been through what i’ve been through so of course they wouldn’t understand.
another thought: would things actually be better if i jumped off a ledge? if i drowned myself? i would think so. but then again, when my aunt died, which was earlier this year, i kept having dreams of her being in pain knowing that she’s dead. what if i’m the same way when i die? then committing suicide would be completely useless. am i going crazy? i feel like i am. maybe i’m living in a nightmare.
What kills me is the feeling that a decent life was possible for me, if I’d just made better choices. I made a lot of terrible choices. I’m still making a lot of terrible choices. The thing is, past a certain point, you become your choices. For me to turn around now and start acting like a decent person…it just wouldn’t work. I don’t have the brain of a decent person, or the life experiences. It would be an act, and people would see through it.
I believe there are reasons I made the choices I made, reasons that ultimately extend beyond me. There were reasons […]
Tonight at work I called the police for a wellness check on one of our customers. It was clear she was really, really fucked up on drugs and I was genuinely concerned for her wellbeing. She was so fucked up I couldn’t tell what she was on or if she had overdosed or what. All I wanted is to help.
Police came and arrested her for an outstanding warrant and I felt and still feel terrible. Had I not called them, she would not be arrested. I live by one rule only: harm none, and I violated that tonight even if it was not […]
Ive been having lots of dreams lately. Theyre sometimes strange, sometimes painful. (Btw whoever said you cant feel physical pain in a dream was talking absolute bullshit.) Anyways, most of the dreams are not nice, some of them nightmares. Still, whenever I wake up I feel some regret. Even though the dreams may not have been enjoyable, they usually make me feel more than ‘reality’. Is it weird to feel more awake while dreaming?
Last night, I was stressed. I feel like it’s just all my emotions beginning to leak out. I had a pretty bad headache too. I just kept slamming my palm into my forehead, hoping it would just stop. It gave me a moment of relief and then it just continued to hurt. I don’t like consuming medicine because it weakens your body’s natural fighting. It might sound like a stupid reason, but it’s not in the long run, it’s not. It’s like I’m stuck here, for 3 more years. It sucks. I still hate myself. my left arm still hasn’t healed and you can see […]
today’s been horrible. I’ve been trying to be okay but it’s not exactly working. I managed to get my contacts in, mainly out of fear of pissing my dad off, but it made them hurt a lot. they felt like they were on fire. the school nurse was really nice about it though. I talked to the counselor today too. I’m a fucking inconvenience. I hate it. I feel like all I do is get in the way, adding another issue. I’m just another issue. I don’t know why I’m here anymore. I’m holding on for her, that’s it. she always tells me I’m not […]
Life……it’s a complicated thing for many people. Some of it is brought on by ourselves, though some of it is thrown upon us outside of our control. Both good things and bad things work that way. Sometimes you have to take a step back to see the full picture to not get lost in the details, and sometimes you have to take a closer look at things to find your way through the forest. Balance won’t always be the same. The scales can shift. The weights can slide and you have to be ready for when they do. Not everything in the future is foreseeable […]
I’ve been crying for the last fours hours. I just became overwhelmed with such sadness. I’m thinking about killing myself(again) but instead of trying to overdose on Mirtazapine my mind keeps playing the local Bridge. Over and over again on a loop. I keep thinking about the cold cold water. And that it’ll hurt, but then the pain. My pain will finally be over. I tired to die back in 2019.
And I honestly, stupidity thought that It would get better. That my family would treat me better that people would be nicer to me. I thought things would change. But I was WRONG. It Will […]
When I was 4, my parents split up. My mother never fought for me. She just ran to another state. My brother and I ended up living my life with my father. My father got with another woman who was mentally ill. They had 2 more children together. That woman thought there were maggots and worms under our skin while our father was out working. That woman started to cut some of my skin off and only saw blood. My father got home eventually and found a puddle of blood on the floor. He argued with her for the longest time. After that, she locked […]
I am 17 and I was recently diagnosed with a chronic illness. I had already been diagnosed with two other ones, but this third one has really thrown my life out of wack. My parents and I have always had a bad relationship, but this new diagnosis has caused even more problems. I got behind on my schoolwork from a combination of this diagnosis and mental health issues. I ended up having to drop a class because I wasn’t able to keep up. That’s where we are at today. I tried to own up to my parents about what happened before they found out from […]
I have started cutting myself with the blade of a pencil sharpener that shit is sharp and it works but I do it to get over all the pain I have, and it usually works for a couple minutes at a time it feels good to cut myself and I like the pain too much to stop now I am also going to get a therapist and hopefully it will help with me wanting to kill myself because it is getting worse day by day. Furthermore, I have started watching Hamza on YouTube and I will try to start working out to boost my self-esteem […]
My girlfriend broke up with me, I still can’t get over her it’s been a couple of days and I still like her I have told her that and i am attempting to get with her again and in case you guys care I read every comment and listen to them most of the time it happened because I called her out for something she did it ended up in an argument and I called her a ***** a couple of times and her friends (one of them being my ex) told her to break up with me so she did. I have told her […]
I hesitate to complain, because on several important metrics I’m doing better; namely eating and sleeping…
but apart from that surface level surviving…. I’m not so sure. I have some promising leads…. which I should follow up on. I tell myself I want to follow up on…. but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Even if I get these couple things off my books…. the fear is more is coming…. and it’s just fruitless. I’m so sick of trying my butt off, and it doesn’t result in anything.
I don’t know if I need to convince myself this time is different…. or if I just […]
Oh the many minds that have loved and lived in and poisoned and held
This body and this brain
A wilderness, a far away universe
Will the mystery remain a gray melody
Reverberating behind my closed eyes?
Growing and shrinking and creating and destroying and broad and narrow
If I cannot love it how I wish
See it through my and nobody elses eyes
I will bid my mystery, my chaos, the mess that I happened to kind of love so greatly goodbye
I will remember
Things I did, things done to me, in the name of love
They had no choice, they all said
Well, perhaps, neither did I
I find myself daydreaming about friendship. I see a person and I think of the potential fun and connection that comes with interaction. I feel so pathetic to daydream about something so simple as a positive interaction from someone my own age.