I’m back in a place where I was very unhappy, and my mind is attacking me with a vengeance. It’s been quiet for so long that I can’t stand it this time. I want to stop being this ill. Fuck.

I’ll try and be honest with the people in my life. I’ll try and be honest with myself, and think more complete, coherent thoughts. My mind isn’t working as I’d like it to. I’ve been sober a while but it’s not clear in the least. I want a solution to my illness. I wish I could go back and take the change slow, and watch my […]

I don’t want to be here anymore. My reality is broken.

I had a cartoon I watched with an uncle who any time someone was trying to wrap up a conversation with him would say, “One more thing.”, so sometimes I do that, not that I’ve ever mentioned it directly to anyone.

Anyway, my one more thing is about the trap that is recovery. This is the most subversive thing I’ve ever thought of, and I sincerely want to be wrong. The idea is this; capitalism commoditizes our trauma by pressuring us to heal and then monetizing the resultant creativity. Essentially, the entirety of the creative world has become a massive skinner engine of causing pain and […]

Tomorrow is my last therapy appointment with this therapist, so there won’t be time to process this, and I need to.

Last night I had a dream that I was working as a teacher’s assistant in my old elementary school. I’m no Freudian, but it’s where the dream went next that really made it stick. I was trying to find my way back to my car, and I ended up in the middle school I went to, a separate entire building, and they were renovating it. Some sort of school official came by by they wouldn’t help me get out, we ended up walking around bits […]

Okay so here me out. A cat. Thats it . I love cats. Ive never been able to have one due to space issues so the reality may be a while off .And im not saying a cats a cure . But yk id love to adopt an older one and just chill .  Although, I wouldnt want to make another creatures life miserable so i guess im asking if yall think its a good idea ?

Hey. I used to frequently post here throughout 2015-16, though I joined around 10 years ago. Is anyone still around from those years?

I’m still suicidal, hence being here once again lol. My mental health is declining and for the last 3 years (since the start of covid) it’s been affecting my physical health too. I’m currently getting migraines (ocular migraines) that I know are caused by my fucked up brain.

I had one relationship in my life. I did not like it. It lasted for about 1 year 2 months. It felt, boring? I don’t understand the point of a relationship. I get it cognitively, but emotionally is strange. Someone either hasn’t been through enough for me to connect with them, or whenever they have, the relationship usually is pretty bad, we both struggle with boundaries, or another one of the many potential issues. Maybe two mentally unstable people shouldn’t be together. But I mean like come on, it works so well for like one week.

Relationships for most people serve 2 main purposes in my […]

Between the lack of sleep, monetary bullshit, and somewhat self-imposed loner life I’d lived since after college and returning home, this is the most uncertain I’ve felt in my entire life.

Feels as if everyday I slip further and further into some form of madness. I did laugh and maniacally sing a stupid little rhyme about my own misfortunes a few weeks back, so there’s that.

I miss some of the wonder and appreciation for some of the specifics when I was a young teen mostly. Felt like the stuff I learned was actually useful and being applied toward what I wanted to do in life. I […]

My life sucks.

To start off, my mom. Suffice to say my mom is an abusive neglectful stupid sadistic fucking ****. I’d like to say my was abused and an abuser, but quite frankly, my mom is a petty, manipulative covert narcissist and I’m pretty sure she just frustrated every man she’d ever been with to the point that they’d beat on her. Well. Randy, the guy she was with, was probably abusive as well. Shit attracts shit. So either way she got beaten a lot and when I was almost 2 my 14 year old half brother beat my 3 year old sister to death […]

Raindrops have been catching my eye lately. Humans and our shit are predictable and banal, but raindrops…not so much. Feels good to take pictures again, just wish I could make myself stick with it.

I believe in the Biblical God. I’m just upset about the fact I’ve been brought into existence atall .I feel incompatible with it. I find this life insufferable but its not due to my current circumstance I have a job,family and friends but im still unhappy. I think its my childhood that ruined the will to live bit honestly but im tired of dredging up trauma i just don’t think its worth the hassle? Like what would i be healing for? To have a house some kids and a 9-5? Or maybe to travel the world? Make art or something. Sounds awful. Helping people could […]

Whether it’s Christmas or any other day, the question remains unchanged. I’m not living, just existing and for what? My pets are the only immediate reason. Yes, there are some people who do care about me, but honestly, it’s not enough. The lonliness and purposelessness of my life is unbearable. Everyday is a major struggle to simply endure. It feels like a slow, torturous burn. And I have no real hope for change. Major depression and PTSD have destroyed my life. You always hear and read “help is available” but it’s really not. Unless you are wealthy and can afford intensive, long term, high quality […]

it’s rather late, but still, i would like to wish everyone an okay christmas and a better year. keep hanging on.

It could be called something different, for example if we wanted to talk about it neurobiolocially, it’s anhedonia, the inability to feel.

Point is though, this is becoming my default. It isn’t that I want to talk about it, it’s that if I don’t it’ll fester into poison which will slowly kill me. As in yes, where I am is unpleasant, but it could get worse.

I think it comes back to the finiteness of reward, and the specificity of my tastes. I don’t get pleasure from the majority of movies, same is true of games. Finding one that hits that motivation core is a wonderful experience, […]

-My mom says that I have been a kind person since I was a child.

-I believe that I became empathetic after my friend killed himself after an argument we had.

-Now I’m not really sure why I care so much about others, but I’m starting to hate it.

-I’ve always hated it, I just never realized it. It was and is ruining my life. I haven’t tamed it yet. yet.

-For the past 3 years, a good chunk of my friends (mostly online) have had mental problems that were put onto me.

-I thought that I shouldn’t let my friends death go to waste and use all the things […]

I’ve wasted my life. And I’m too old to fix it. I’m sure there’s plenty I can do to improve things, but I’m never going to catch up on all those years of relationships and formative life experiences. And I see that more clearly on the rare occasions I’m actually around people. Which makes me not want to be around people. But I need to be around people in order to improve my life. And so the cycle continues.

It’s so hard to accept – being socially non-existent. Having nothing to say for yourself. I just sit there and wait for the ground to swallow me. […]

That’s pretty pathetic. I feel horrible day in and day out. Got my method prepared and I’m just worried if I fail. Because afterwards my life will be a living hell indeed. Lost my job a while back and can’t keep up with payments and I’m threatened with lawsuits. I can’t take this anymore. It’s not even that big of an amount in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I’m spiraling. I don’t know what to do. I don’t see any way out anymore. It’s Christmas Eve and the only thing I’m thinking about is how to properly end things and when and […]

It’s -30 degrees, and I felt at peace.
Thought about how hard the walk is, how cold it is. Thought about my hands and toes which still hurt.

Wondered if I could make it to the coffee shop.
And I made it.
So I’m sitting here, wondering how treacherous the walk back will be. I wonder if I can get a ride to work tomorrow.
It’s funny how we wonder about everything else except the present moment.

The yumminess of the sandwich I’m eating and the warm coffee that’s filling my belly.
The joy of how peaceful it is right here, where […]

Since I was 10, my birthday wish has remained the same. All I wish for is for mother to die. Overtime, I noticed that it is quite hard for her to die. She is darn healthy all the time, even COVID did nothing to her.

She loves to draw her own conclusion without being informed. She said she knew I didn’t want to pursue my studies. For real, what does she know. Does she know how many nights I spent crying and feeling that I am useless, failing at every attempt I do? Does she know that my social anxiety is so severe that I hyperventilate […]