I can feel this fog on me again. My father has finally left. My parents were adamant in following me to Massachusetts until I hit baseline. I had to convince me new psychiatrist to tell them they can leave now. Now that I’m alone, I can feel it. That brokenness that I felt back home. Back in my old apartments. When I would lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I can feel it now. That sense of dread. The sense that I’m several layers out of my depth. The alarm bells ringing […]
Living without motivation is pretty miserable. Each day I wake up feeling tired, even if I’ve slept the night before. I get maybe 1-2 hours of having enough energy to function during the day, the rest of the time I’m just drifting through, putting off anything that takes effort. Every day is the same. Nothing ever gets better, it only slowly gets worse. I suppose that by definition this is depression – I have very little internal drive or pressure to get things done. I am literally de-pressed. There’s not enough inside my mind to force myself to function.
There’s so much that I need to […]
I flamed out of child welfare, as in it very nearly broke me sufficiently that I couldn’t get better…. and I thought that would be that, I’d move on with whatever was left of my life. I didn’t want to get back up, and so far the experience has been everything I worried it would be, namely painful. I’m still grasping at straws financially, it appears being paid a living wage just isn’t done in this culture…..
and suddenly I realize that where I am now is worse than child welfare. Not emotionally, but financially. I thought that was draining me dry, but this…. it’s just […]
I’ve tried every drug the doctors could give me, I’ve tried every bit of help i could find, i’ve tried every doctor
None of them seem to care. None of them seem to understand that what I lost I can’t get back. I went from someone extremely levelheaded to someone always on edge and paranoid. I went from someone who was always extremely tired to someone always on edge.
I’m done.
This will probably be my first and my last post here.
Gonna go out as comfy as possible. I found a way that seems relatively painless and goes out euphorically.
I’ve struggled with this stuff my entire life but […]
I’m so bitter about my failed friendship. I thought I was doing it right. She called me her best friend. We used to text each other nearly every day. I even took her to homecoming. Then she just stopped talking to me and started hanging out with other people. I know I shouldn’t be so worked up about this since I still have one friend (for now) but I am. Maybe it’s because I’ve never really had friends, maybe it’s because I’m a retarded fag, maybe I’m just crazy. I think about her all the fucking time. Sometimes I want to kill her wish […]
(this is literally just a huge vent) i’m 14 and in 9th grade, i’ve been struggling with mental health since i was in 4th grade, i was abused physically and verbally in my childhood, everything had been shitty in my life really. in 3rd grade started watching what i ate, this didn’t last long but then once i was in 6th grade it came back, i’ve had an eating disorder ever since then and i’ve never weighed over 100 pounds, ever since i was a kid i was told how skinny i was and was constantly complimented about it, i feel like my body is […]
Day 3 of being either constantly anxious leading to me being sick or depressed. Slightly paranoid probably. At least I don’t have to do anything today I guess. I’ve been worrying about everything. I’m eating less and less. And then I want to die for eating. I feel gross. Anyways. I missed my 4th day of school for an eye appointment, only to hear what I expected. Which isnt horrible I guess but it’s a long drive to talk to a doctor for 20 minutes max. I cant very well drive yet because of eye issues which is why I’m going haha. My grandparents took […]
I just spent 15 minutes laying on my friends couch panicking thinking there was going to be a shooting at my friends neighbors house but it was just my friends son watching tv loudly in his room. PTSD trigger like crazy. I reached the mindstate where I accept I was losing control over anything happens and it was all going to end badly no matter if I injected myself in the situation. Good thing I didn’t because I would of looked real crazy If I ran outside screaming only for there to be no one outside. This freind is my only escape from my home […]
I can’t get it out of my head. I just can’t. The ER was hell. It was literal hell on earth. I thought I was going to be stuck there forever. Ever single bad thing reminds me of that place. It reminds me how awful it was. To be locked in a box. No sun, couldn’t see my own brother, I was screamed at and yelled at and wasn’t able to tell what the button was for. I wanted to leave. I wanted out. I hated it. I hated it. My mind […]
Whenever I do something potentially embarrassing or naive with good intentions I tell myself it’s just my angelskin so I can focus on the shame and embarrassment from just existing how I am normally, a lonely tranny neet autistic loser.
I just wanna be good and help. I wanna feel like I can do something good.
What’s wrong with me lately?
I understand that my brain is wired differently and all that, but my god am I really such a mess in my own damn head?
I finished work and started to dread my 2nd job, I need more money, trying to get promoted, need money, drove home frustrated, need money…
Fucking stressed and angry and upset. Fuck.
I need to stop. Just calm down and stop.
I want to bang my head against a wall or a desk.
I need help financially, have to do something to fix myself.
Like I even know how to fix my own mess. Ugh.
I guess I’m going to posting here more often. This disease is so fresh and new to me that I just need time to reason it out. Even though everyone is being effected by this, my mind is more and more concerned for her. I’m sure that if she’s reading this, she is tired reading about herself. Maybe it makes her a little uncomfortable. Maybe a little guilty. I always want to reiterate that this is a me problem. It’s on me to just get over it. It’s on me to stop putting such a burden of […]
the attempt i made last night failed and obviously, I woke up this morning.
nothing bad has happened, not yet.
as this day reaches its end, i get this very very sickly feeling in my stomach. butterflies! so many.. i can feel myself almost puking out of anxiety.
but not because anything bad is gonna happen tomorrow (i hope). i’m going to a club in my school, and hopefully meet some new friends. i know if i’m that anxious, i probably shouldn’t go, but i still want friends. i won’t let some butterflies stop me.
bye
That’s all I want to write here
I really think I wanted to be a human. I wanted to feel like I was treated like another human being. Like I wasn’t so special, different, strange, weird or out of the ordinary. Not exactly to fit in, but be in the middle if that makes any sense. But, I’m honestly too tired at this point to try and get better. I have been trying. I was trying just last night. But really, I think this will just do me good. This loop has been going on forever and never seems to even want to end. So much hope is promised to me by […]
I have all the things I’m going to use. I know when I’m going to use it and how.
I really don’t want a funeral or a cremation. I don’t really even understand the concept of them. But, I think that’s really my personal perspective. I’m never really sad at a funeral. I’m never sure if the people around me are actually crying because they are really grieving the person who died’s death or if they are just crying so everyone around them doesn’t think they are an insensitive asshole. I think I just envy them. I also think that death is a part of […]
Hello again. This isnt really a vent post or anything sad, I just wanted to clear my head a little bit. For the past few days, maybe even the past week. I’ve been reading the Bible quite a lot. And yesterday I went through every single one of my posts on this website lol, reading all of them took more than 2 hours.
I guess I should say thank you to everyone that has helped me here, especially System (I dont know what happened to them but I hope theyre doing well), and HeartlessViking. I want to say that my life is getting better, and I […]
I was making myself some PB&J and suddenly a sob escaped my throat, and it was then I realized that I was not nearly as okay as I am trying to appear with the situation vis a vis job loss. I feel betrayed, and the part of me that doesn’t want to trust anyone feels vindicated.
See, I don’t fit, or more accurately I rarely somewhat fit. I did it working for the gas company, and I did it working for the hospital, neither of those jobs exist anymore. I came as close to fitting as I ever will in undergrad, and that was just a […]