10 days before I have to decide. 10 days. I’m scared. So god damn scared. Don’t know what’s up or what’s down. Just don’t know hot to cope. I’m just no good. Plain and simple. Tomorrow I’m going to ask the prof what she thinks. To ask her if I’m good enough. I think right now she’s upset with the progress of the project. I don’t think she is happy. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I want someone to tell me I’m no good. Straight up. When I ask my […]
and this second one reminds me of my mother. I know that even if I’m only in my twenties, she’s elderly. She’s struggling to make it. We had a sit down talk a few months back about how one day she’ll pass away, what her arrangements were etc… I think she wants me to feel ready. When my dad died, I wasn’t. At all. But I listen to this second song to accept that day in a sense. I struggle so badly with mourning and loss. This one is a calm prayer for all of it….
FUCKING DAMN ITTTTTT!!!!!! I FOUND THE ONE THING, ONE BELIEF, A PRACTICE THAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD, LIKE I ACOMPLISH SOMEHING WHENEVER I DO SOMETHING RELATED TO IT RIGHT???!!? WELL GUESS WHAT APPARENTLY I CAN’T HAVE THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I’M ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING. WHO FUCKING CARES IF IT’S NOT REAL. IT FUCKING MAKES ME HAPPY!!!! IS THAT REALLY BOTHERING YOU, A RANDOM ASS PERSON ONLINE???!??! CAN’T I JUST FUCKING HAVE FUN???? LOOK WHAT YOU DID! NOW I’M DOUBTING THE EXISTANCE OF WHAT I PRACTICE! ISN’T THAT FUCKING PECULIAR!!!! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?? WAS THIS YOUR GOAL??? TO […]
I am in a lot of pain daily with my arms, back, knees and the pain meds only scratch the surface and then there is the emotional pain. I lost my mum suddenly without warning she was fine and then she collapsed and drop dead while sipping on her cup of tea and they couldn’t save her, she died of heart disease undiagnosed and that’s my fate also because I’ve been diagnosed but the meds for it make me ill and I can barely exercise because of the pain so I think that’s going to be my fate also but I’m okay with that I’ve […]
Utterly annoyed with life. I can not even talk to my spouse about any coping mechanism I use as to not yell or scream or hit…. without him getting triggered and abusive. I can not live like this anymore.
I want to run. Run until I can find an end. Run away over the streets, the cars, the houses… run away from everything and everyone. I will run. I will live. I will not give into any death call or abuse. I will survive!
But, until I can run I will stay here taking care of my little one. making her life better and get her away […]
im not ready to go to college. the future used to seem so far away and now that it’s nearly on top of me, its so much. i want this stress and expectations to end, and the easiest way to do that is by not living anymore. there’s nothing for me especially with the world going to shit. i wish this was a kinder place.
So i’ve been away from home getting help for the past 3 months. The reason why i was away locked up was because of an argument with my step father which led to a harsh physical abuse which led to a suicide attempt which led to me being locked up and away for 3 months and i did well there so i was sent home last saturday. I was staying with my grandmother and today i overheard that my mother was getting married on sunday(day after tommorow) with that person. And now i want to cut. I dont want to be bad again. I dont […]
My friend is right but the worst part is I thought it before she said it. I get you probably aren’t doing it on purpose but that doesn’t change the fact you are. It doesn’t matter what I do, the only way “we” are going to work is clearly if I follow every little fucking thing that you want. I’m done.
I’m going to go back to smoking up
I’m going to go back to drinking
I’m going to go back to cutting
Whether or not I take my meds is up to me
I’m going to talk to any guy I want
I better be dying if they’re taking me […]
i want someone to at least care for me, i just want a new big brother that doesn’t abuse me. i just want to be loved not romantically and i just want to be hugged.
i suppose thats too much to ask for..
i hope once i die, i can retrieve all i wanted in this life.
I haven’t had bad tendencies or attempted suicide since i was 18 in high school. Now I am 23 and each month the thoughts and urges todo so have steadily grown. Really when my womanly time hits is when it hits an all time high. I have goals in my life and some day i want children. If these feelings keep growing, theres no telling if ill make it to those happy times. I don’t want to go back on medication but that seems like my only option. Nobody understands me and when they say to express myself (tell all my feelings) they look as […]
Everything is so stressful, I’m getting to the point where I’m planning suicide. I want to OD but at the same time k don’t want to I want to continue on and live my life I can’t die now I want to die when I’m 30 or something. I just want the pain to end. I would go into therapy but that would take months and my family can’t afford that. I feel so helpless my parents don’t even believe that I’m depressed. I try to tell them that I’m not ok but they just completely invalidate my feelings. The other day I was having […]
The toll booth, the hometown that has never been masked, the person who refuses to save my life. Illusion, huge, bulging self-esteem, submerged inferiority complex. I thought I could finally draw all the hearts, but my fingers led me nowhere. You’re lying on a knitted car seat cover at the end of June, beige thread rubbing against your tender thighs, isolated from sex since childhood, and raped you all over again. How clean is the hymen? The hazy eyes of a nineteenth-century girl when she was about to marry, just want to tear the paper, drown, drown you, burn you, why did you only want […]
Success isn’t everything, you can’t be happy if you don’t have your freedom.
I could have done so much more to be successful but the cage I would have put myself in to get there would only make me miserable. I did what I had to, because if I didn’t, I can’t imagine I would have made it this far.
When I woke up this morning, I knew I have fallen out of reality again. Everything looks, sounds and feels grey. I have gone through at least 10 YouTube videos where 3 are just repeats of the same video. I have watched 1 encouragement video about money, doesn’t sound encouraging to me at this point. It’s like time have just stopped even while I see the water flowing, the people walking, yet the time is static. Everything is beyond my reach, that’s because I am walking through a black and white movie. I can’t remember the feeling that pushes me forward, the goals that I […]
For me worse, way worse.
It makes you wonder, if you could go back in time to when you first became suicidal, what could you honestly say to your younger self?
The truth?
“Hey kid, it gets worse. A lot worse. So if you kill yourself now, you’ll be saving us both a lot of pain.”
Before you start reading about my shitty life i just want to say that my english kinda suck soo real sorry for everything wrong with it.
I would have leave a long story of mine here but i dont give a fuck anymore the only think that is on my mind is that i completly failed at life and the only way for me to live would be giving up on all my dreams and passions just soo i can work 5 days a week sleep for 2 days of weekend and go back to work that is killing me inside sometimes having only […]
i feel like im a sad and depressed person trying to tell herself that shes happy
my mind is always i wanna die i wanna die but i know i shouldnt listen but sometimes i just wanna fall back into the hole because staying out of it is so hard
im so fucking tired of everything. i am going nowhere in life, fuck my parents, fuck the fucking world and fuck everything. no one gives a single fucking shit about me. fuck off
the desire to matter is a deadly thing,
more deadly still the ambition that drives one to achieve, to desire more
Every day is another notch
every day another loss
yet resiliency is a curse
intellect a burden
for it is just another door to pain
an open invitation to abuse
it would be better to stay dead,
but why would it get better?
death taunts one onwards, towards further destruction
promising an end to pain, but only beyond more pain still
“let me ride on the wall of death, one more time”
“let me ride on the wall of death, one more time”
“You can waste your time on the other rides, this is the nearest to being […]
Let’s start by saying obviously I have family that loves me. I’m also fortunate enough for the friends I do have who really care for me. But they’re not with me every night I go to bed. Trying to sleep as the feeling of loneliness eats me alive inside. I do have my pet cat who keeps me company during these restless nights when he feels like it, and I’m grateful for that. I wish I had a girl who would be there through my suffering, and possibly see the good in me even when I can’t. As much as it would give […]