A little sad…upset…
This heavy chest…this feeling of being a prisoner…
F..k this…all of it…

hey heres an update: I am not commiting suicide at this time. I have decided that my method is a little difficult to pull off, especially as I live with other people. I may make another plan in the future, not completely sure when or how though.

also I’m surprised on how many people commented. I appreciate that. Thanks.

I remember making this account maybe 7 years ago in my twenties. i feel so old and I am still just as lonely as I was back then.

I wish I had then let go and died when I was on the edge. i wish it so bad.  I really need to start seriously working on a plan out. It is just so hard because I don’t really want death, but I can’t live like this either.

why did i end up like this? why did nobody want me? i was so hopeful about the future as a child, i still remember. how stupid.

Why am I even […]

So I was looking into other cultures’ and time periods’ perspectives of suicide (spoiler: not universally demonized) and in my readings learned through Schopenhauer that my undergrad fave David Hume wrote an essay refuting his society’s condemnation of the act – which was suppressed for quite some time, it would seem. I thought some salient points would be worth sharing here, though I really recommend the actual essay itself.

First, if you’re of the religious ilk, he argues that killing yourself is no more going against the divine will or whatever than doing literally anything else. “God” fashioned the entire universe, any and everything that happens […]

hello everyone!

I have found a suicide method. It seems to be mostly successful. The only problem is being found too early. It could leave me with permanent brain damage so I’ll need to have a very detailed plan.

The other parts of my death are pretty easy. I don’t really want to write a suicide note. I don’t have much money or whatever to write into my will. All I need are a few household items and maybe some soap. I don’t like being too melodramatic so I kept it simple.

It’s almost funny how hard it is […]

i will not forgive him out of your convince. you’re my mother and you’ve been with me every step of my life, and i’ve told you the things that man has done to me. you simply don’t care, you just want us to be a “happy family” again. why do i have to be silenced? why do you leave me alone with this horrible excuse of a human being? why do you defend him?

when i told you i wanted to die, you told me you wouldn’t care if i killed myself. now you just deny saying that in the first place whenever i bring it […]

Everyone has good intentions when it comes to helping others. They try to help. They offer words of comfort like:
Your stronger than you know.
Things will get better.
You can get through this.
(Personal favorite) Think about your children.
What if people are thinking of their children when they decide to exit.
What if the last bit of strength they have is used doing one selfish act that will free them yet help the ones they love the most. Yes, it will hurt them – there is no doubt in my mind that suicide leaves a hole in a person’s heart that can […]

I’m a pathetic loser.
I can’t even get anyone to say hi to me.
I’m so ugly. So stupid. So pathetic.
I have no friends.
I have no one to talk to.
I have no one that loves me.
No matter what I do it doesn’t matter.
I will never have a friend.
I will never have anyone who wants me around.
I will never have anyone who knows me and accepts me.
I have done my best, it’s time to go.
Goodbye whoever reads this.
I’m safe now.

Mother, father, grandma, brother, daughter,

I made a decision, leave me alone. I don’t need your lectures, you can get off your pedestal. This is how it is and this is how it’s going to be. My daughter, my home, my family. I’m not coming back so get used to the idea.

The end

Every day I think about ways to stop this overwhelming pain and sadness. I can’t be bothered anymore. I feel that I can’t leave because I have my son to look after and he has already suffered tremendous loss. I can’t focus. I’m going to lose my job if I don’t return. I find no joy in anything. I only want to lie around and sleep or watch TV. I am a worthless nothing piece of crap. The love of my life blindsided me and left – no contact. Just cheated and left after eight years. I’ve struggled with my mental health for years and […]

When I do die, I don’t want anybody to miss me. I don’t want people to cry over me. I don’t want tears if sorrow shed because I’m not herw anymore. I want people to try and find good things about my life and smile at my death. I am not worth crying over. I am not worty anybody’s pity. I am not worth anybody’s sadness. I am not worth anybody’s anger. I am not worth anything. I am nothing and that is why I deserve to die. I am a disappointment and that is why I chose to leave. I am useless and that […]

I haven’t been on here for a while… because I thought maybe if I stayed away from the things that brought me comfort and validated my want for dying I’d feel less like dying…. I tried medications only to have been forced off them. Only to have to handle the judgement and criticism of my family. Because they’re perfect and I’m not. Today I found myself searching up ways to end my life. A day before my birthday. And every year I only want to die more…. What is the point of living. What’s the point of anything. I’m scared that if I do it […]

every day, it’s a struggle to keep enough energy to do the things I need to, or that I should do

I struggle to eat, like my relationship with food is a substantial amount of the problem. There is food I’d like, and it’s fucking expensive, and my income can’t afford for me to eat like that every day, really I can’t afford to eat like that at all…….. which means it’s work to eat. Every time my blood sugar drops, which is often, I have to go eat something…. when my energy sags I have to go smoke…. when my throat gets dry I have […]

Seems a gun is best but I don’t have one, I am broke and jobless and I’ve never even held one. Jumping off a bridge? Afraid of heights. Taking something? Like pills? I have no pills and it maybe wouldn’t work. I have no garage and my car is messed up as of today so no carbon dioxide, and I kind of think that is just something you see in movies. I live with people and I don’t want them to have to deal with it but even if I did get to the point where I said to hell with them, they are ALWAYS […]

i’m not someone people care about, never really have been. always been the girl with secrets. you know the type, imagine that one person in your school people know of but don’t know about. you could ask everyone but no one could tell you one thing about them, only that they’re quiet. i met someone a few months back on here, a really cool guy. i went ghost for over a month and didn’t reply to him. i regret that. i’ve never been good at maintaining relationships. never really been good at creating them either. i’ve been trying to convince myself i’m fine on my […]

I probably shouldn’t indulge in these feelings. That’s BS, some people say there is no such thing as “wrong feelings”, well what do you call it when your feelings are constantly demeaned and repressed by the people around you? It’s not a feelings friendly world for a dude.

Right, so the main thing is my new job…. which sometimes is nice, and others really drives me up the wall. It’s $15 an hour, which is solidly okay, average. The upshot is that in four years I can make $30+ an hour, and that’s just for doing my time. Not an easy thing to get anymore…. that […]

‘Send me a picture, get my mind off my problems’ I txted. A picture came back immediately, she just happened to be in bed, her face on the pillow, I scrutinized her face carefully, the face is the most important factor for me in terms of attraction. I deemed her face pretty and the fact it was on a pillow swung the pendulum my way bigtime. The marijuana I was smoking said to me ‘ compliment her, that’s the type of face you go for, compliment that face’ which is the absolute worst thing you can do in this scenario, absolutely fucking lethal, sexual suicide. […]

I think passively almost daily now…I wish i was dead. There seems to be no purpose for the chronic pain, the high stress of a thankless job, the constant alone-ness even though i am supporting my adult daughter, severely autistic grandson. I am 62 but back, neck and diverticulitis issues , asthma, arthritis make me feel much older. I am trapped by circumstances living in an area i really can’t afford, so my retirement will only last about 4 years no matter when i do that. I have not ideated the concept much, but the thought that my insurance policy payoff now would better be […]

I am alone because I isolate myself. I isolate myself because I feel like shit when I’m around other people. I feel like shit around others because I feel exposed and vulnerable and out of place and stupid. Because…I’ve spent so much of my life avoiding people that I’ve never learned how to handle the unexpected little complications that they inevitably produce? Or because I’m just intrinsically socially inept? Or because I’m so insanely self-conscious and socially anxious that the tiniest little thing sticks in my mind & ruins my day?

It’s not something I feel I can solve through exposure – there have been extended […]