I am a 34 year old male. I suffer from severe bipolar disorder, with psychosis, PTSD as the result of rape, sexual abuse, and several gunfights. I’m also a drug addict and an alcoholic. I absolutely and unequivocally hate my life, the hell through which I live on a daily basis.
There is very little respite from this agony. Five or ten minutes, perhaps an hour at a time. Alcohol and drugs, in general, no longer help. I take medication, which has limited effect, even when sober for months at a time. I believe in God, but ever since my father died, I’ve hated God. Still […]
hi everyone, sorry for the shitpost lol but i was wondering, i get a monthly prescription of fluoxetine for 30 or so pills (meant to take 30mg a day) but i usually just take however many my mood kinda requires (usually 40mg-80mg) and my pills plateaued around 3 months ago and ive been to the doctors and everything (and they havent done anything about it), anyways getting off track, ive been getting old thoughts about ending myself again and im so fucking desperate not to fall back into this rut. i must admit, ive been cutting lightly to cope with it, but regardless im scared […]
you people all seem so smart. you know so many things, so many words, you always have things to say, even though you don’t even like being alive.
while i, even though i don’t hate life as much as you do, have never figured out how to become smart no matter how much i tried. i think that the vocabulary that i use is no bigger than one thousand words. i have been trying to find ways to learn to write better over the past few months but it was all for nothing.
i’ve written the below all out trying to vent my feelings out in a more positive way. its helped a bit, but i still feel raw. i’m not expecting anyone to respond, i just know putting this out here to people who may listen might help me get back to a somewhat level head.
Exhaustion. Drained, whatever you call it. I don’;t care anymore. ‘Blood is pounding in my head and it just keeps going. im tired. nothing changes. i do something, only to be set back to square one because of my own failure. its not pessimism, its realism. the reality i’ve been […]
So alone …So lonely…
How are you all doing?
I feel like i have been so manic that my head is going to spilt in half. That my chest will burst open. That my legs will break from pacing around so much. That my heart will give out from how much it hurts. I feel like i am losing my mind. And in the middle of it all, i dissociating from my body. Im watching from the sidelines. And i cant do anything about it. No matter how loud i am acreaming at my self TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND JUST BREATHE
BREATHE YOU FUCKING IDIOT
JUST STOP FUCKING MOVING AROUND […]
And discovery is the mouth of a cave, draped in vines, deep in the forest, untouched by anyone else. I miss this feeling – roaming aimlessly with a nervousness – and the abyss of feeling lost – You always win something. You always find something gorgeous. The evergreen moss, the massive jaws drooling in the pouring rain. A chamber that breathes and echoes – a sweet reverberation – a hive you want to fill with candlelight and a dark red wine.
Still, it would feel empty – this imaginary place. Wood rots, and enriches the soil, but cannot wholly thrive beyond that. But the sky […]
everyone hates me, no one loves me and no one ever will, everyone wants me dead, everyone cares about me, everyone loves me.. it’s all the same damn thing in my head. why can’t my brain make up its mind? do people care about me or not?? stop giving me a damn headache! i’m trying to sleep here!
The voices. I listened to them for 3 years. Every day I listened to them tell me how worthless I was, how I didn’t deserve a loving family, that I was stupid and would be better off dead. Then one day, the voices stopped. I haven’t heard them in nearly a year, until last week.
In the past year of peace and quiet, my wife and I have redeveloped our relationship and we actually act like husband and wife instead of roommates or business partners. My daughter adores me again and my son actually acknowledges my existence. I’ve got a good job, comfortable home, good […]
Your eating disorder breaks my soul. < / 3
you deserve all the love for yourself in the universe. I like that someone complimented you. One of those sun peaks through the clouds moments that feels nice for a second.
Your sister was a little insensitive, and I’m sorry you cried like that. I’m sorry those negative thoughts possessed you enough to harm yourself in those ways, the corset and the rest… It’s okay to be imperfect, nobody’s perfect, I wish you could feel that, more than anything.
Also, you are very smart. Your witty intuition and beautiful words in your entries came […]
I don’t know why my brain suddenly cleared up today…I have to write this down.
I’ve always believed that mental illness can be cured by itself, and if it doesn’t, it’s because I deserve it as a punishment, but this time it’s really not going to work. If my speaking, writing, and thinking skills are two woodsheds, an episode is an earthquake plus tsunami. I’ve done…everything, to myself, for myself. I said that I deserved it, I’ll just die of illness, and many other things that I couldn’t understand now that my mind is clear… But the time for suicide has passed, and now […]
I feel sad because there’s a part of me that’s missing. I used to be a certain way and now I’m not due to how much I let the world shut me down. I’m definitely exaggerating when I say the world but I’m really talking about the people who were in my immediate family and inner circles. I mean I guess there’s times to be serious and so I suppose I was wrong to be such a clown at those times but throughout the years I let my father beat out my inner clown. I used to just wanna laugh all the time even if […]
I know I’m a bit fixated on death, probably always have been and always will. My first encounter with it was at age five, my great aunt who I loved more than my mother at the time passed away, ovarian cancer. I was devestated.
At age 12-14 I watched my grandma waste away from Lou Gehrig’s disease. In the words from one of my favorite films, Pet Sematary, “sometimes dead is better.” She was utterly miserable by the end. She was also a big enthusiast on the whole living thing; cooked healthy, gardened, worked out regularly, took care of others right up to the end. I’ve […]
sorry about all the shitposting lately. things have never been this bad.
ordered my “suicide kit” on ebay. By that I mean poison. Last night I stumbled on a news story about a suicide, and the dumbass newspaper reporter told exactly what the poison was. and the dose. It’s not a controlled substance because it has a common harmless use, but if you eat it… glory days. Sure enough I found the stuff on ebay for $4, and it’s 4x the amount the person took. So for $1 i may have bought my ticket out of here. We’ll see in about a week. I should’ve sprung […]
I’m so tired of how much agony goes into being yourself. I don’t know what to do anymore… my soul wants to be unapologetically myself, but my heart just wants to give up, drink alcohol and let myself decay…
see my last post, idk if its’t the fucking meds that scrambled my brains or if it’s the universe choking the air out of my lungs but i cant fucking breathe. all this motherfucking pain. squeezing the life out of me like a tube of fucking toothpaste and the cap is the top of my head. watch it spew.
my story is nothing new. in fact you dont need to read another word. just log it in your head as another fucked up wasted life. log it in your head as another worthless asshole who tried and tried. if youre the literary type, read The death […]
Been a long time since I posted here. I wish I could say it was because things were going okay, but that is not the case. One person can only handle so much. Thing don’t always get better, but they can always get worse. That’s where I have been and that’s where I am at… a continuous downward cycle of abuse, disrespect and bullying. That’s been my life. Too many bad choices and surrounded by cruel people. Living with my poor choices is not easy. There should be forgiveness for mistakes and there is none. Just the wicked never rest or walk away. I have […]