as of lately i have realized that i have not hidden the fact that i want to die. i have realized that it resides on the way my face rests and the way my eyes shadow darker every day. the way i carry myself and the way i talk about my future. the way i act and rashly make decisions. it’s not hidden and its out in the open. upon figuring this out, i have asked myself why my mom doesnt see it. why she doesnt,,,,,look. and i realized that she does see it. she sees it clearly but does not do a thing. she […]
It’s been a while since I wrote on here. But I need a release. I feel so alone. The most alone I’ve felt in a long while. I don’t know how else to deal with this feeling, so I’ve resorted to what feels most comforting to me. Just like it used to. I almost forgot how to write my emotions down. I just shrug them off and move on. But it feels like everything I’ve shrugged off has just been dragging at my feet. And now this are difficult for me. I can’t carry my weight, I’m dragging my feet. My heart feels heavy.
But […]
I am trash, here’s why.
Not only am I fat, (316 pounds of true fatness) but i am ugly (face/body is not symmetrical and symmetry is beauty) and a woman. A womans worth is seen by her attractiveness. However much it sucks, that is a true fact in this world. So I am garbage. By looking at me you’d think what most people on the internet think. That I’m a pig who stuffs her fat face constantly and lazy. The truth is I log everything I eat and have records for months and months that I don’t break 1400 calories a day usually and […]
…you are constantly striking out? And I don’t mean in the patriarchal sex way but like in every conversation I have, the things that i am trying to say get interpreted in a different way than how I intended and the other person won’t tell me what they heard or how they feel when I ask. I feel broken, like maybe there is a part of humanity that I am missing. I know we are all having a hard time and I hope we can find ways to move at the pace of love, talk things through and assume good intentions. When people dehumanize me […]
Just wanted to say it again.
Since starting antidepressants, it’s easier to face challenges in my life. No chalky lungs for a mind. I can take a deep breath and feel like the future holds something warm and deserving if I keep pushing those steps.
I’m not smoking 3 packs a day. I’m not stuck in nightshift. So much has changed, yet it’s hard to give myself any cred. I feel so much better than I did during coronavirus. I noticed that when I stop taking them for a couple days, my emotions crash, and I get a little sobby. I hate that the most when I run out of them.
It’s been… quite a week. A friend recommended me to work with them, my car broke down, and my parents decided to take a more active role in my life, and we got our tax return. I get that most of that is good news, but I just feel overwhelmed. I was supposed to be doing a self esteem journal, but that fell apart on Monday. I want so hard to satisfy others, but even now that’s a struggle.
Now I’m doing that thing, where I sit absolutely still and try to imagine I’m anywhere but here. It feels like my soul leaves my body, a […]
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Do you ever feel numb ? The feeling when your whole world seems to fall apart right in front of you and there’s nothing you can do about it . The feeling when you’re all choked up and the words just won’t seem to come out , the tears are stuck, , and they strangle you and all you feel is sole numbness and undescribable darkness in you . The feeling when you’re indecisive do you not care anymore ? Or are you just really tired ? Or is this just a phase that will pass ? The feeling when you’re exhausted mentally , physically […]
I don’t know if the people I knew are still here. I hope they are doing well. I first came to Suicide Project on 2012 or 2013. Since then, I went to university, graduated, bought two cars, built myself a nice house and now I own an accounting firm. Still, I keep coming back here occasionally.
And how here I am again. I can’t escape from this fate… This is where I belong.
I am so frustrated with life. I can not help the urge to end it all. I barley sleep. I only eat because I have to raise my 21 month old ensuring she is healthy to have a happier life than me… Every night I want to get up out of my bed, grab a knife, and stab myself… but I can not. I have to many obligations to this world that I put on myself. I hate it here. I really want to leave. I want life to be easier. Even if I didn’t have all these things going on in my life, I […]
What am I supposed to be? What am I? I think a lot. Today I was riding the bus back home and I saw a small toddler and his mom (I assume). All I can think was “Whatever you do, don’t grow up. Stay a kid as long as humanly possible. Whatever you do, stay small.” This is a pointless story, but it’s just something I thought about. I try to remember a time where things weren’t sad. Where I thought to myself, I’m not completely worthless. Sometimes I’m too scared to even more. […]
*Do not expect perfect grammar*
*Names have been modified*(hopefully all)
You can access the rest of my money in my bank account to pay my share of the rent.
I have student debt, and I believe it can be forgiven if I am dead.
It’s been hard. I know that there were suppose to be future plans, but I couldn’t last til then unfortunately.
I thought that maybe these feelings were just temporarily. But it has become too much for me to handle on my own. I guess I wasn’t strong enough to just wait it out […]
I always wonder Everytime that, maybe I’m not really suitable to this world… I feel like i was just forced to live here…
And everytime i think about it… i always thought of suicide…
I’m 16 years old, doing school… But i don’t attend classes.. it’s just i feel like i don’t belong to this place… i want freedom, peace of mind.. i want to be free, i want to do whatever i want as long as i can do it…
But everytime I’m attempting to suicide, i always think about “what will happen to my parents? will they cry? will they be happy? what about the […]
i’m not a good person. i could be recovering now but i want to stay where it’s safe and that’s all because of who i am and how i was brought up. i want someone to come in and fix it for me. i just feel nothing generally because i’ve always protected myself from feeling anything. i guess i try to help some people sometimes and i am creative but i don’t feel like anything is worth going through. i’m depressed because i want to be happy and i want everyone in the world to be happy and i want the world to be fixed […]
Then he told this parable:
“A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard; and he came looking for fruit on it and found none. So he said to the gardener,
‘See here! For three years I have come looking for fruit on this fig tree, and still I find none.
Cut it down! Why should it be wasting the soil?’
He replied, ‘Sir, let it alone for one more year, until I dig around it and put manure on it. If it bears fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it […]
I have this desperate urge to feel connected to another person, but I don’t think I’m capable. I don’t like people, not really. Not even myself. Especially not myself. A part of me thinks I’m better than everyone, though most of me knows I’m far worse. I can’t risk anyone seeing the truth. So it’s all meaningless. I’ve cut myself off from humanity – I’m completely alone. It’s understandable that my mind should seek an escape – isolation is a genetic dead end. But escape would require a brain that wasn’t poisoned. I will die this way, however long I live for.
Hello. This is more asking for your opinions than ranting.
I know I’m not the first one or the last one to say what I’mma say. I know I’m subjective since I am in depression, and this is not well documented, it’s only based on my personnal experience, and what I see on the internet.
In our societies (at least western developped ones, sorry for all the other users, I just talk bout what I know), are people getting… worse? Worse, for people ? Well, yes. Worse overall. And standards are lowering. Let me explain. I want to know if you agree with these points:
First obvious point:
softer […]