I always think about myself. I know some people think i care so much about others and am altruistic and stuff and I in fact need them to think that. I don’t want them to know how egocentric my thoughts actually are. Whenever I’m alone I don’t think about philosophical questions or real life problems or anything interesting, no, it’s always me me me. How am I doing? Am I getting worse or better? Do I need help? Will I screw up and start cutting again or will I manage to hold my own this time?

Lately I’m feeling too down around others, I think they […]

I broke down today. The first time in a while. It’s always in the privacy of my apartment. I have this odd tick that when it gets really bad I laugh. It always feels so forced and unreal, but it still happens. I am tired. I don’t know what I want.

For context, I’m a British American. I was born in the Uk, was raised there until I was about 10 and then moved to the US. I’m in high School, and i have a few friends, but most of them only seem to focus on the fact that I’m British.

I introduce myself, and someone comes up behind me and shouts “Yeah! Their British!!” And then that new person only seems to focus on “Wow! There is an English person in my class! Cool!” or “Ew, British.” I joke around with my friends about e being English, but i feel like i don’t have a choice. […]

This is my first post. Everything is quite disorganize and I don’t know how to present my thoughts appropriately + being intoxicated with Vodka. I apologize to all readers in advance. Really, I am sorry.

So…I am a 20ish person trying to get into a graduate program. Since the program is research related, I am in the process of writing a proposal to get into a master program.  Wrote the first draft… well that turned out as a disaster. Was told that it was too undergraduate quality. I knew I was never the smart enough for academic stuff. Even stayed behind for a year during high […]

I haven’t posted in a long time here. I don’t even have anything to say, it’s not like things are better but they don’t feel extremely worse either. I would lie if I would say that I want to be alive. I’m not planning on killing myself but I still wouldn’t complain if I randomly die in any way. Life is still hard, it’s actually really fucking hard, so if you’re reading this, I’m fucking proud of you.
That’s it I guess, have a beautiful night.

My mind goes round and round. Hope yall are having an ok night

I feel like I’ve been trying hard – at least, harder than I normally do. I’ve been working a lot. It feels good to be earning again, and for the first time it might be enough to support myself. I hate the pressure of deadlines though. There’s never enough time, and I end up rushing and making mistakes. And that leaves me feeling like crap. Because if I make too many, then maybe they’ll stop sending work my way, and then I’ll be back to square one. But also because it taps into my fundamental fear of being judged by others. If I make mistakes […]

i feel like i should just give up.
just move in and bury it all deep down and try to be ‘normal’. just tell him “you made me so happy all my problems are gone”.

i have so many problems he’s going to know that’s bullsh**.
i hate being different. i hate being me.

i feel worse trying to hide it….. ill just cut more and try to get more weed and booze, maybe idk…. i wont have a job just what he makes….. i cant use his money for that sh*t….but i hate living sober
talking about it just makes me feel bad and regretful though….

I really want to help my friends.

But I don’t know how.

And this is taking me down.

I cani’t do anything for them.

I feel useless.

Last semester. Need to finish my capstone project. Won’t graduate without it. Scared out of my mind. Don’t think it will amount to much. Need to contact my supervisor from my last internship. Need a signed letter to verify that I did it or I won’t graduate. Really it is my fault. I’ve gone back on trying not to contact her. I stopped no contact a while ago. Thing is she won’t respond. Maybe she saw my last post and got mad. Maybe it made her sad. Maybe she hates me. […]

i need you. without you my life has no purpose. i have nothing. i have no family, no friends, no home….
i know its something i can never tell you but its true…

feeling like i am about to explode
so i can’t sleep
the pressure of everything
collapsing in on me
things i haven’t done
no one taught me
i can’t seek out everything
when i don’t know how

do i think that people would remember me
a year after i stop existing?
outside of my family
i think my friends would forget me
not that i have many
a lot of buddies
but not many who would shed tears
because after being isolated all this time
no one tried to have a real conversation
only texts for contact tracing

i had a good […]

Its is true and in this hell you have a heaven also. The rich and powerful, by human standards, are in heaven on earth and enjoy that heaven on earth building monuments unto themselves to say…I was here… after they die, yet, there’s more to it than that. They even build large homes and skyscraper homes to remove themselves from the ground floor where they see suffering. To them its not a part of their world so they are okay with the suffrage due to it being a norm in the group think society, when it comes to those without and those that have, as […]

i don’t know why i’m dreading going back to school, other than the fact I have a new roommate that i know nothing about. i can’t sleep, i can’t think, at least i haven’t given into my urge to cut all of break.

i feel like i’ve done nothing with my life. i’ve wasted all my time doing pointless shit and i’m not working towards anything because i’m just going to die anyways!!!

im tired of “living”

im tired of having no personality besides sad and sarcastic

im tired of being comfortable with sadness

im tired of not knowing how to live

im tired of trying to escape my negative reality

im tired of pretending im fine

im tired of being “that guy”

im tired of being that stereotypical nerdy ***** nobody would dream of

im tired of fighting my sad thoughts when they’re right

im tired of talking to people who dont care

im tired of watching greed, malice and ego be rewarded, no matter the field

im tired of existing for other people

im tired of being manipulated

im tired of having feelings

im tired of eating, drinking and sleeping

im […]

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I have been a person I don’t like for a long time, and I can’t change it or fix it because I’m just too impulsive. I say what’s really on my mind without thinking.. I don’t think before I do. I was always taught to use the traffic light method.. And my personality with my disorders is just so impulsive I skip right over the Red, and yellow, and go straight for the green and just say it.

I have talked to my therapist and she says to just keep journaling.. But it honestly doesn’t help. […]

Even when I try my hardest to keep my head up and be happier in life and have been happier. I finally found a love who is very good for me and he does everything and beyond for me. And gives me the absolute world. But yet, with all of that I’m still broken and feel like I’m still falling down this dark rabbit hole. I don’t know how to get out of it. When I try and climb out I slip down further and further. I don’t know what to do or where to go anymore. I want to just get in my car […]

why havent i just gotten it over with yet……

The people here are nicer than the people around me in real life. I feel sad when i read their problems and i wish i could help them. Its a sad but a happy place atleast we’re not alone here.

Earlier today I was looking in the mirror, looking at my eyes which have become more hollow and empty these days. Looking, it was obvious why;

I dedicated my life towards trying to make my fellow humans more empathetic, more kind, and came up short on resources. The millions of people who worked on this same thing, they are giving up. The forces of cruelty and division are persistent, and the defense has surrendered.

I don’t think we can call ourselves “human” anymore, because we are not humane.

Us, the ones so pained by the loss? We’re the canaries in the coal mine. The air has gone bad, […]