im hungry. but i dont want to eat. i dont even want to have a drink so i can take an advil for my headache. ill think “im hungry” but then ill look at food and just see weight. ive already dropped basically back down to my school weight. and im just about under weight. (the bmi line being 17-18 and mine is currently 19). i know i dont need to lose weight but i hate how i look so much.

honestly it kind of confuses me. ill see other people talking saying “ive gone (pick an hour under a day) without eating” and im going…..but […]

Was going through my email and found an old email from this website. Holy hell it’s been years. Things got better and things got worse. The sad thing is the feeling of wanting to kill myself never left. But I have decided to live for those around me. Those who enjoy seeing me and my time. But i know when I get home I always make my peace with leaving them. I always know they’ll be okay when I’m gone. I’m not that important to anyone. I stopped being important long ago. I used to be sad my ex girlfriend left me and cheated on […]

I need a drink. I hate living with others. “don’t drink too much”. Why can’t I do what I want? And right now, I want a drink.

Whatever, you’ll be asleep soon.

I don’t know why I am so angry recently. Everything and everyone makes me so mad and it’s like everyone around me is so stupid. I just don’t wanna be around anyone, I don’t wanna go to work, all of my family is over for dinner and I don’t want to be around them, everything they do annoys me. I also don’t want to be around others because I don’t want to be here at all I feel like I just want to disappear. I feel too ugly and fat to be seen by anyone, and I feel like I really want to die right […]

Having a goal and finding that you’re somewhat good at something really helps. Although I don’t want to get better, I can’t help it. I haven’t felt this neutral in years, in winter, with this rainy, dark, weather. I don’t know how it is happening but I think I am getting better. I expected to be disappointed again. It really sucks saying this and many people, as much as they’ll understand will be offended by this. I don’t want to get better, if I stop being…who I was, I won’t be happy either. I expected so much worse. Seriously reconsidering how much of a idiotic […]

Im 30, never known my father other than he abused my mom till the day she gave birth to me. I found out hes been in prison since he was 21. Hes 50-something or other…point being i thought i didnt care. How could i? Someone so cruel to physically hurt the mother of their child even after giving birth to said child-thats not man. So why should i care? Recently outta the blue my mom shows me a picture of him for the first time in all my life and now- i dont know how to feel. Its weird, a numb kinda feeling. Like im […]

It is like a puppeteer and i its puppet. Its nothing more then a game. And im losing…

To give it nothing to put on an act for, am i only falling into its trap?

“To choose between your demons and the person who held you down, girl”

Its been 3 days. I havent said a word….

And neither have you.

Youre probably happy. You probably wish i didnt come back. You tell me you love me. You tell me that you care. But im nothing but problems. You say you look past all of that, but that doesnt mean i dont drain you.

You havent checked on me. I never not message you. Giving me space? Or im right and you dont care. Maybe you did at one point, but one person can only handle so much and i know im too much.

I wish i was dead. Then no one would have to put up […]

i do think that i must be doing something wrong, because there’s just no way life’s supposed to be this miserable.
my head feels warm and foggy; i can’t remember what it feels like to not have a headache lol

You knew not to check. You knew checking for a message would make you check more. You’re doing so good, just don’t talk to them. I don’t know how to not talk to them

When you can’t do shit, life is either telling you to kill yourself, or suffer.

Wanted to enjoy that show you decided you’d like? Nope! Triggers. You can’t watch that.

That game you’ve been working on the past 2 days straight? All that hard work and most of what you collected? GONE!

Why do I bother with anything? There’s no point if everything I work at, if everything I like, gets shoved in my face like I’m a clown and my likes are a pie….

The villagers in my game even rejected me….. There was a dance and everyone said no. The gifts I tried to give to make […]

As long as you have a pulse you have a problem and you just have to deal with that.

-love,me

Afterthought

‘I’m fine’ the mantra in my head

The lie I speak everyday

‘I’m not fine’ words you don’t say

But I hear them anyway

Carving more of what little is left within

To be there for you

Because I’ll always be there for you

I’ll always elevate you above myself

Sacrifice my needs to meet your own

And I know it’s not balanced

I know it’s not healthy

But this is the friendship paradigm

I’ve grown up believing

The issue is others don’t see that

They see a good person to talk too

So, they keep doing it

They see someone whose handling everything

So, I keep doing it

Except I’m not

I’m slowly cracking from within

Depression seeping under my skin

Infecting old scars, I […]

I can’t enjoy anything without being triggered. There is no life when you can’t do anything :'(

Curious to know what suicidal people watch to feel better, or at least distract themselves

I usually like to watch heavy stuff that forces you to think without getting too depressing, like 2001 A Space Odyssey or on the lighter side, Being John Malkovich

Can’t stand romcoms, you can probably guess why [spoiler alert: alone & miserable]

what do you guys like to watch when you’re having one of those days?

i never really understood what its like to feel depressed or be diagnosed with depression. Im not diagnosed with it but i- i feel like i am but no one really believes me they just think im sad and that life will be fine again but no. I felt this pain and hurt and emptiness in me for 2 years and subconciously ive been struggling to cope with this and somehow everyday its getting worse. Sometimes i’ll feel better and i’ll think im fine but then it comes back and i start to break down and feel so not motivated to live anymore. Its like […]

Everyone could get what they want. I wouldn’t have to live like this anymore and no one would have to know I’m gone.

If I make more then 1 everyone could have their own me…

Nothing is for me. Nothing is mine. Not even my own life.

I grew up in a very abusive home. I have severe mental illness because of this. I was groomed when I was 17 and moved into my groomers house when I graduated high school. Spent 4 miserable years being treated horribly. We had a son. I lost custody of him because I couldn’t afford a lawyer. I have nothing and no one. Monday I’ll be done.

Mostly I just want to not experience this anymore. I’m the bad guy in my own life, but I don’t know how to stop. You always think of the villain in a story “Why don’t you just stop being like that? Just stop being such an asshole.” Just stop. Simple.

But I still have these emotions and thoughts, even when I’m not acting on them. I still want to do bad things, deep down. I don’t know how to stop that. Or how to want to stop. How do you stop yourself from wanting something? How do you amputate off your deepest emotions and drives? Where […]

I don’t want to leave my favorite coworker. She’s slowly become my best friend over the last two months, and I don’t want to leave her.
My cousin. He’s an only child and I’ve taken on the role of older sibling to him so that he has some form of positive influence in his life.
My brother. I want to rebuild my relationship with my older brother. We haven’t spoken in over five years, but I want to reconnect with him and I know I can’t do that if I’m gone.
I want to spend as much time as I can with my family’s dog before he’s gone.
As […]