I remember briefly reading this one reddit post about being fated to die by suicide. Some people are meant to be doctors, some are meant to be successful and rich. Some, are just meant to suffer and die. Maybe that’s it. But because life is unfair like that, we’re all still here doing whatever we need to do.

Am I fated to die by my own hands myself? I don’t know for sure but I don’t think I could live a good fairly smooth life in this lifetime. Everything I try to do to increase my social standing I back off from it on my own. […]

I hate my life. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of never being satisfied. I am surrounded by good things that are to me tainted by the fact that they are not better, and that I am incapable of making them better. I have tried to settle, to be complacent, but it never works, it never helps.

I can’t hold a decent job. I quit college because it got too har, even though I had a free ride. I lost custody and visitation of one of my kids. I’ve abused my current spouse many times and even enjoyed it. I hate both of my […]

I’m not ever sorry if you found me out here. If anything, it’s proof you didn’t keep to your words. You lied about finding out too then. I don’t like you checking in on me. I don’t like being confronted for my venting. And social media was very terrible for us that I would still refuse to understand why it matters to you. Being blocked is like us having broken up? Almost as if you were not searching for me the first place.

All these while did not exist I guess. I had never done anything for you. I had never compromised, I had never been […]

I’m recovering emotionally, but never have I felt more psychotic. Things I say and think don’t make sense and don’t line up, there’s a white blur constantly occupying my skull, my vision is decreasing quickly, the sudden sensations i get while thinking about certain topics…they’re not headaches, I can’t even feel them that surely, but they hurt and my reaction to them are that of a crazy person. I can’t see a single future out there where I can go back to normality, I’m destroying everyone’s lives, I’m a walking plague. How do you deal with the fact that everything you do is wrong? Wrong? […]

I’m in a relationship with an ex of mine and i’m really happy, im smoking less, getting stuff done and having my own life while with this girl and she has hers, it seems to work. I feel the happiest I have in a very long time yet my anxiety is the worst it has ever been. Every time she tells me about her life and there is someone else she was into in the story i feel so insecure. I know it’s normal to talk about past relationships, it just hurts. And i know i’m an asshole for feeling that way and i don’t […]

It’s ya boy, Thanatos. I thought I’d give an update for anyone interested. I’ve also posted before as Ignorance Will Prevail.

I’m currently in the process of finding a new place to live and I’m considering moving west to Madison where I can participate at the homeless veteran’s center and I where I have a job lined up.

I’ve gained an interest in an academic field, Systems Engineering.  I don’t really think I’m smart enough to complete a degree in the field, but it is interesting. I was considering the concept of AI and the Greek Logos, which stands for reason and is often represented by water. […]

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I’ve mostly been in my childhood home, stuck. Stuck in the place where a million bad things happened.  Where I learned not to trust the people I still live with.  That I am nothing.  Assaulted and beaten, I’m unworthy of love and will never find safety.  I can feel how much being here makes me emotionally repressed.  I cannot leave because earn money.  I am disabled and can’t take care of myself.  I can’t go anywhere else, stay with others because I’m a shit person others eventually hate.  I don’t want to die, I just don’t want […]

Can it be enough to live for others?

It was a Sunday night and I was in my bed and I was just trying to sleep but the voices came I was able to ignore them at first but every minute they kept getting louder and louder “Nobody loves you, you deserve to die” The voices said over and over and over again. I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and I went Upstairs Grabbed the sharpest knife in my house and shoved it 3 inches deep into my stomach.
I fell straight to the ground and tried to call out for help but I was in to much pain to scream, I […]

I do not even want to write about everything that went wrong with my life or how I feel about it. I have been suicidal since 2017. March 2017 was my first failed attempt, followed by denial, self harm and awful depression episodes. I never stopped thinking about since then. Therapy did not help, medication either. My life changed since then, good and bad stuff happened but nothing really made me think oh well this is worth it maybe. I feel like I’m going to pass out from the anger and frustration when people tell me the usual stuff like “it gets better”, “it’ll pass”. […]

I don’t even have the motivation to write anymore. It used to be that I love writing, and I am always depressed in my fucking head, so why not put those feelings into words. But everyday that I come home and think I should write something I just don’t feel like it. I’m so fucking unproductive and I waste my days. It’s a shame I no longer feel like killing myself because these days I absolutely have that option. Some days when i’m bored i’ll point my gun at my head, look myself in the mirror and just think “imagine.”

I want to get […]

This is it. This is the hardest one yet. Last semester. Senior Project. Project Manager. New Job as a TA. It’s barely the second week and I feel like I’m limping already. I can feel the pressure in my head build up. Can’t find the right valve to turn to release it. Bit by bit by bit by bit I can feel it welling up. Right half of the brain. Don’t know how I’m going to make it. I knew it would come. I knew it would be painful and hard. […]

a disease is “a deviation from the normal functional state”

We just accept that being alive is the normal functional state. But if you look at the universe beyond our myopic little selfish bubble, the normal functional state of the universe is a limitless expanse of nothing but rocks and lifeless particles. So the eruption of life, organic chaos, on the surface of one of these rocks is like an infection in the universe. Life is the fucking disease. Suicide is the cure. Maybe then the universe can finally brush us off like the pests we are.

“Tonight, I’m calling all astronauts, all the lonely people that the world forgot. If you hear my voice, come pick me up. Are you out there cause your all I’ve got”

The lyrics of this song describes how I feel. I feel that I’m not welcome in this world. I don’t understand why people need to be harsh. I’ve been visiting this site for years since 2013 especially everytime my mind betrays me but it is only now that I’ve decided to write my heart out.

I would like to connect with my fellow astronauts. Greetings, my fellow astronauts. 

I want to put a bullet through my head. I fucking hate living. There’s no point in trying to better my life. I don’t give a fuck how much I drown myself in it as long as I’m drowning.

Where is your heart,

 When it is not with me.

being abused sucks. uh. here have some vague minimalist poetry:

my brain is falling apart

i’m very nervous to meet my new roommate

my problems are burying me so i drown them

even though my mental illnesses are in my face like a clown (kinda hard to miss), im in denial about it. i cant deal with my emotions. if i try they attack me. it feels like theres way too much. my friend’s right….im drowning myself in it.
its Saturday and guess what i am? yep drunk and high. the stupid funny thing is…… we talked about that while i was still sober. i even thought about it then. im going to drink later, maybe i should try and not drink tonight. but nope, i didnt even try. hell […]