Sometimes I worry that if I’m known and then people would talk badly of the things i did in my past and pass it around if that makes sense. I had always feared that I would get captured behind cameras in public, passing by an event in what I think is my true form. The form my parents doesn’t know. It can be said that I think too much of the future that hasn’t happened yet.

I notice that my own offenses get replayed by my head obsessively that I get self-conscious trying to interact in spaces where they were people that had seen my […]

Self-Help Books are Fucking Bullshit.

Either it’s all “think positive” crap or it tells us to “just think differently.”

Yeah well thinking differently doesn’t change the facts- if you are poor or sick or have no job, or a job that pays shit, “thinking different” or “thinking everything is fine” isn’t going to magically change your situation or make your problems go away.

Actual lines in this self-help book I’m reading:
“We think that wanting is the source of our satisfaction. In fact, it is the source of our dissatisfaction.”
“To want to is believe that you are lacking, inadequate.
The present moment lacks nothing. The […]

It’s been a while, I’m still alive. I guess I made it. I’m still as jobless as I was when I first started posting here, single again too. I have too much rage inside me to even care about the hurt I’ll give in the case of committing to a relationship. This is quite the hate post so I don’t care what ends up with it. Don’t comment with advices I don’t need.

I am hurt. So hurt by the opposite gender. I wish I’m not but I fucking am. I wish I could sit still and not seek validation for my hatred. It’s not […]

Been a minute since I’ve wrote. I have had other ways I’ve been dealing with my issues lately. Really grateful for them. But it’s still a good way to catalogue my thoughts at different points in my life. I’m graduating after all. Defense committee approved my thesis. Felt like it was a gimme. I’ll always feel that way about whatever I do. Can think of a million things I did wrong and a handful of things I did right. Very typical of me. All that’s left is to submit the documentation and it’s done. […]

I don’t think I’ll ever feel close to another human being again. And I didn’t realise I needed that until it was far, far too late.

Even if I’m physically intimate with someone, I’ll always be aware in the back of my mind that if they knew the truth about me, they’d be repulsed. So I don’t think I’ll ever have those feelings of connection, trust, comfort or safety. I’ll always feel somewhat on edge. Distanced, disconnected, monitoring the situation for signs of threat. I will always be alone.

It’s this void inside that I can’t fill. Of course I have addictive behaviours. I’m constantly desperately looking […]

Today had the second pest control company do a quote, and I won’t be affording pest control done by anyone but me, and I  can’t see how anyone does frankly. Well, I do, people are suckers. I’m just really low financially. I didn’t realize how low I guess.

The first company came around and quoted it out at $14,000 to get rid of our rats and squirells.

I’d like to point out I could build a small house for that, and dig a shallow well and put in a chemical toilet and basic solar. Yes, I could get off grid with that kind of money. Shoot………. who […]

I was in a bind. Perhaps it was paranoia on my part but I suspected something was amiss in my pursuit of prescriptionsl sleepers. I decided to act on that feeling cancelled where I was going and requested an appointment with a female doctor, strict as fuck, cold, the Thatcher level of iron lady ruthlessness. I had two hours to go before a showdown with the iron lady. This was a situation from hell and I often find that when a situation from hell is thrust upon one without warning one purely through no choice steps up to the challenge. This doctor was the harshest […]

In the beginning there were floppy drives, remember floppy drives? 3.5″ and 5″ floppy drives I’m old enough to remember and we all had them. Early days of memory you had to use them to load your games and save your work. Then briefly zip drives, an attempt to create denser media, they didn’t catch on but my parents were data nerds so we had them. USB drives came next, those live on to today which is a small miracle.

The next stage in optical media were CD-Roms. Ah, my middle childhood. Not as flexible either literally or metaphorically. One scratch and you’re screwed. I must […]

Death can be so sudden sometimes. Still remember a summer two years ago due to someone who was quite important in another community just suddenly kicking the bucket at a rather young age, in their 20s or so, intentionally it seemed. Now, having it pop up in my mind, I look at all the posts a second time. I couldn’t have seen it coming from those necessarily alike how, for many other events in life that aren’t death related, in terms of interactions, we also can’t really see such stuff coming at least in a way that would be “guaranteed”, there’s a lot of stuff […]

I do things I’m ashamed of, as a way to escape the sadness that frequently envelops me. Because nothing else works. Nothing else changes my experience in the short term. Nothing else is exciting. Nothing else feels worthwhile. Nothing else has meaning.

The things that I do are not ok. Not because they have negative impacts on anyone else. But because they involve feeding a side of me that shouldn’t exist. They involve thoughts that no one should ever have. And even as one part of me is excited and satisfied, I feel the shame rising up. And the shame becomes the reason for the sadness.

The […]

My worthless birthing person kicked me out the household Monday because I couldn’t pay HER wifi bill. Which is $700. Yet here i am unemployed and LOOKING for a job unlike her. My friend is letting me crash on her couch. For a week. Anyway i hate my “mom” and and she did this bullshit after my birthday on April 11th im a 28 year old homeless woman for my birthday. I fycking hate her. But I know bad karma is coming her way soon. Pray for me guys. Later.

Life is bullshit.
Life is rigged.
Life is unfair.
Life is too much stress.
Life is lonesome for those who are misunderstood or not understood.

Life has too many problems. Or at least those who aren’t wealthy enough to just buy their way out of some problems.

Self-Diagnosed.

Therapy Helped.

Gave Me Drugs

To Keep Me Sane.

They Alter The Dosage.

I Feel Fine.

I Feel Fine?

The Darkness Grabs Me.

Mind Grows Heavy.

Is It Back?

Can I Ever Be Fine?

The Hands Drag Me In.

Am I Worth Saving?

Anger Fires Up Inside.

I’m Stuck.

In A Loop.

I’m Going Nowhere.

But I Don’t Want To Leave.

I use to hang out on this site a lot a long time ago. I was once suicidal, longing to die, but then I got help and received disability benefits. My life has been better. The best way to describe my depression is that I’ve learned to manage the symptoms, but it’s not gone. It’s easier for me to post here. I hope to God that the people in my life don’t find this post. This is going to be a doozy.

Anyway, I believe that I am asexual. I’ve done the research because I knew that something wasn’t right. It’s normal for people […]

I know what it is of course, it’s that if you watch certain sorts of videos on Youtube, Youtube will show you more things of that sort, and if you talk about things, search for things, Google can pick them up. So there’s no mystic forces here.

I spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out how far someone would have to fall to be certain they would die. It was a suicidal project, and so of course when the video arrived it was pre-empted by a Better Help ad, now that’s some good tie in marketing. Only suicidal people think about death as […]

Time and again, I find myself asking: “How could a creature this wretched and miserable not kill himself?”

And the obvious answers are survival instinct, a blind and deeply rooted fear of death, along with attachment to delusional fantasies of a life worth living.

And those don’t seem like very good reasons. It kind of feels like if that’s all that’s keeping me here in such misery, I “should” find some way to overcome those inhibitions and end it.

But that then raises questions of what that “should” is based on, if not personal preference. And all I can really come up with in terms of a moral […]

I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and excitement right now.

I spoke with the HR representative over the phone, and she mentioned that my background check might take a while to clear—possibly due to my frequent address changes or having a criminal record. During our conversation, she asked if I was hiding anything, so I told her about my two DUIs. To my surprise, she sounded relieved and explained that they mainly worry about violent offenses or aggravated DUIs, which mine weren’t.

She then asked if I wanted to start this Monday, but nothing is guaranteed until my background check goes through. She assured me that as […]

There’s never enough time to do everything one wants to do, even in 90 years. Only so many bachelors degrees, masters degrees, doctorates, research projects, children to have, and especially apparently careers to be had since companies absolutely will not cooperate.

and while I’m waiting here in the ether, waiting for a company to cooperate, the siren call of the road not taken keeps bugging me. I found out last week I could go back for a second bachelors. I had thought that would be stupid, but when the advisor told me about it I thought about finishing up my second major in computer science.

Then last […]

It’s terrible all over, there’s no denying that.

War, war, every day. Always a new explosion or beheading.

Economy, economy, things are never better than “cautiously optimistic”.

Yet for some reason, the front row seat for the whole show has been meant for you.

Look at what we go through to try to hang on to this theatre seat!

Oncologist: “I’m very sorry, sir, you have stage 4 cancer.”

War medic: “We can save half your arm and one leg.”

Father: “Oh, hello? Do I know you? You look familiar…. ”

A horror movie I never bought a ticket for…..

Guess I’ll have to enjoy the show or walk out.

What IS on the outside […]